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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with DPs self inflicted health related sickness

152 replies

DecorationsAreDown · 02/01/2019 21:11

DP (Age 50+) has a life long condition managed successfully with daily medication.
We have been together for 3 years & live together.
In the 3 years he has had about 15 ‘episodes ‘ which result in 4-5 days of recovery
Day 1 : cannot move except to use the loo
Day 2 : able to shower but can’t form sentences or move beyond moving to the settee
Day 3 : headachy & slow movements
Until back to normal day 5-6

I have absolute sympathy for this condition.
My issue is that every single episode has been caused by partying which he knows is the cause.
So since 6am on NYD I have been attending to his every whim. Under normal circumstances I would have absolutely no problem doing so but he has basically been drunk for the entire holiday period & now I’m walking on egg shells so he can recover .
He says I’m being unsympathetic

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 02/01/2019 23:02

Decorationsaredown, I do feel sorry for you. I had a good friend who died because of epilepsy but she didn't self inflict, her epilepsy was difficult to control from the age of nine and her condition was unstable. Lovely person, died at forty.

As well as feeling for you, I feel sorry for your partner. However he is over fifty, he should have learned some self control by now. I wonder if he becomes so depressed sometimes that he doesn't care.

He needs help, even talking about it to someone suitably qualified and neutral might help. Plus he does have to realise what an effect all this has on you which is grossly unfair.

I really hope you can sort this out and be happy.

Flowers
WhoWants2Know · 02/01/2019 23:06

I hope AF is right.

AwakeNow · 02/01/2019 23:19

If feeling trapped because you cannot drink alcohol, I wonder if you have a substance abuse problem. Most who do not, have no issues not drinking alcohol. I could not care less about booze. I can "let my hair down" without booze.

I don't offer sympathy or care to people with hangovers. They caused it.

DrinkReprehensibly · 02/01/2019 23:19

YANBU. I have epilepsy and despite my username, I don't drink a drop because it gives me guaranteed seizures. My recovery time is more like a day of sleeping it off but his recovery time is considerable. My doctors have told me that there is no tolerable number of seizures and every seizure is deadly so we always try and aim for no seizures wherever possible. That is why I don't drink.

Despite this i still have a few seizures a year and my DH is amazing at taking care of me. It's horrible for him to witness and i don't take it for granted. I would be totally ashamed to cause that level of burden on someone by choice. He's making a conscious decision to do this to you. It's definitely unfair and unacceptable.

AwakeNow · 02/01/2019 23:21

That ^ was to Dosmamas, forgot to put the name in, sorry.

Saracen · 02/01/2019 23:22

Someone who knowingly maks himself so ill with that frequency is an alcoholic.

Other people who don't have the same medical condition could probably drink the same amount without suffering much. That isn't relevant, just as it isn't relevant that some alcoholics drink half a bottle of wine a night while others down several bottles of spirits.

You can carry on actively bailing him out whenever his alcoholism lands him in trouble. You can stay with him but distance yourself from his problems by refusing to care for him during these episodes. You can leave him.

Schmoobarb · 02/01/2019 23:23

YANBU

Original poster
DecorationsAreDown · 02/01/2019 23:33

@AnyFucker - report if you don’t think it’s real.
I’m not sure why you think it’s not.
I’m sat here with my DP on day 2 - he can’t speak properly.
I love him but I’m not sure I can support him anymore.
I won’t go through the whole naming of ancient threads to prove this is real.

OP posts:
thebaronetofcockburn · 02/01/2019 23:36

but if your married don't the words "in sickness and in health" mean anything to you?

They're not married.

notapizzaeater · 02/01/2019 23:37

Does his doctors know about this ? Is sounds scary, what if there was no one around to help him?

thebaronetofcockburn · 02/01/2019 23:40

I’m sat here with my DP on day 2 - he can’t speak properly.
I love him but I’m not sure I can support him anymore.

You're not supporting, you're enabling him. He is endangering his life and his health because he is a substance abuser. He will only drag you down with him.

AwakeNow · 02/01/2019 23:56

Let him suffer, he was well aware he would be useless, and drank alcohol regardless. If you think he may be dehydrated, send him off in an ambulance. You do not need to be putting up with his irresponsible behavior.

If you do decide to put up with this fool, maybe make a rule that he stays elsewhere if planning to drink. If he needs to pre-arrange and pay for a room and a person to care for his hungover self for five days, he may smarten up.

theLadyofShallnot · 03/01/2019 00:04

OP.

I'm all for the sickness and in health jazz. Just not if you are doing all the caring and looking after because he can't be arsed to care for himself/makes his condition worse by being self-indulgent.

He is choosing to make his health worse. I wouldn't be choosing to mollycoddle him through it.

You? Unsympathetic? Hardly. You are being far more accommodating than I would be.

His lack of concern for his health is fair enough. Crack on. But making it affect you is bloody selfish. I'd be off. You deserve better.

PositivelyPERF · 03/01/2019 00:11

but if your married don't the words "in sickness and in health" mean anything to you

First of all they’re not married and second of all, those vows don’t say self inflicted sickness

OneOrgasmicBirthPlease · 03/01/2019 00:34

Codependency is real. He has an impressively well-trained ex-wife too, only stepped down from her role once he found a new carer. This man knows how to set himself up in life.

DeepanKrispanEven · 03/01/2019 01:01

So what's his excuse for allowing himself to get into this state?

I realised by the age of 21 that if I drank a lot I ended up with a horrendous migraine so, unsurprisingly, I decided to stop drinking a lot. I'm not claiming any virtue in that: I like a drink, I still have the odd glass or to, but just decided that the consequences of getting drunk weren't worth it. So why can't a grown man for whom drinking brings about much worse consequences make a similar decision?

Doobee · 03/01/2019 01:45

Is this why the ex wife is an ex? I’m guessing she’s now really enjoying her freedom! Why are you doing this? Love works both ways you know. What does he do for you?

Sashkin · 03/01/2019 01:55

If he can’t walk or talk, he should be in hospital, though I appreciate that if it is now Day 2 that ship might have sailed.

Next time this happens ring an ambulance and pack him off to A&E. I wouldn’t go with him personally, but that’s up to you. See if spending six week a year in hospital makes this less appealing for him.

BumbleBeee69 · 03/01/2019 02:26

This guy sounds like an utter tosspot, laying on his lazy hungover arse for almost 5 days being catered to hand and foot by his good lady. Hmm

I call bullshit and think he’s simply a lazy fucker.

Angrybird345 · 03/01/2019 06:58

Sorry but I wouldn’t be helping him. Next time it could leave him permanently unable to talk or something. Let him deal with it in his own.

StealthPolarBear · 03/01/2019 07:22

"EVERYTHING for him - that’s my issue.
I’ve had 3 kids - they’re in their 20s now so those days are over ."
Are you seriously saying that when he's in these states you're helping him to the toilet?
I suspect a couple more of these sessions and he'll kill himself so tbh I'd leave him to it.

swingofthings · 03/01/2019 07:25

Have you discussed this when he is in recovery mode? Why does he do it? He must feel dreadful during these times, so the need to drink to oblivion must be strong. Is he pretending to cope with his feelings towards his illness but is actually not coping and sadly drinking to try to forget even though it comes to bite him afterwards and make him feel worse? Could he need counselling?

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 03/01/2019 07:33

Anyfucker would probably do well to not comment on subjects she has no idea about Hmm

Everyones epilepsy is different, I can quite imagine this scenario being caused by the bodies reaction to the alcohol plus the reaction of heavy epilepsy drugs.........my family member who has epilepsy isnt allowed alcohol at all. They suffer from tonic clonic / drop seizures and even a couple of drinks has an effect, theyve never been 'drunk' but I can imagine the state theyd end up in if they got blotto.

Op, he needs to grow up. He's putting his life at risk........people running round after him won't mean a thing when he's dead.

Catquest1 · 03/01/2019 07:42

There's a point isnt there where we all have to take a bit of personal responsibility for our own health.

And yes hes a grown up and he is allowed to make bad choices but thing is he must know the score. He must know that this is how lots of alcohol affects him and then how it affects you. And yet he thats what he continues to choose.

Holidayshopping · 03/01/2019 07:48

I have to do EVERYTHING for him - that’s my issue.

Like what?

If you weren’t there, what would he do? Do you work-are you working today, what’s he going to to? Does he work?

I don’t think I could stay with such a short-sighted selfish stupid man. Give him the choice, OP and tell him-you stop doing this or I’m out of here and that is why. If he hasn’t done this in decades, he’s only doing it now because you let him.