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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with DPs self inflicted health related sickness

152 replies

DecorationsAreDown · 02/01/2019 21:11

DP (Age 50+) has a life long condition managed successfully with daily medication.
We have been together for 3 years & live together.
In the 3 years he has had about 15 ‘episodes ‘ which result in 4-5 days of recovery
Day 1 : cannot move except to use the loo
Day 2 : able to shower but can’t form sentences or move beyond moving to the settee
Day 3 : headachy & slow movements
Until back to normal day 5-6

I have absolute sympathy for this condition.
My issue is that every single episode has been caused by partying which he knows is the cause.
So since 6am on NYD I have been attending to his every whim. Under normal circumstances I would have absolutely no problem doing so but he has basically been drunk for the entire holiday period & now I’m walking on egg shells so he can recover .
He says I’m being unsympathetic

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 02/01/2019 22:24

You do realise that other women don't live like this, don't you? And that other men don't behave like this?

If you sat in a hospital waiting room there would be lots of patients with epilepsy. Virtually none of them would dream of behaving like this.

I don't know how you can have any respect for him.

Dosmamas · 02/01/2019 22:26

@DecorationsAreDown I'm sorry to hear he is putting you through this. So I will change my stance here and say you YANBU, I curbed my behaviour out of humiliation and guilt that I put my mum through seeing me in ICU on a ventilator fighting for my life after I decided to ignore my epilepsy and go on a bender. Since I took the diagnosis seriously I have gained my life back and have been very lucky to be seizure free.

You need to read him the riot act, you are not his personal paramedic/nurse, if you weren't there to wait on him hand and foot then the reality is he could be in hospital with an assortment of seizure injuries and maybe he needs to feel the sting of that next time he decides to mess around with his brain. (Not the injuries...I meant What it feels like to overcome a seizure without any help)

PinaColada1 · 02/01/2019 22:28

My Ex never drunk a drop of alcohol. It is possible! He knew he was a high risk of becoming an alcoholic so he didn’t.

Nacreous · 02/01/2019 22:28

When it's not drinking at all, and the condition varies I can understand the odd screw up.

I like alcohol, specifically wine and beer. I like the taste. I was tee-total or close to it for most of university. I had a variable condition. Sometimes I'd just really want a glass of wine, or to celebrate with my friends. People kept saying you get used to being the sober one. I didn't.

Sometimes I'd have a glass of wine and be okay. Sometimes it would knock me out for days. I was just grateful my friends were sorry I couldn't be having more fun, and hugely glad they weren't ill and in pain like me.

BUT I didn't do it 5x a year, and it wasn't usually caused by drinking to excess (maybe once in 3 years? Out of maybe 4 or 5 alcohol related errors in total. Other times of being ill, more numerous). I also didn't expect to be waited on (but did appreciate if they'd bring me some groceries if I was struggling to walk).

I really can understand someone not wanting to become tee-total though. Drinking is an important part of many social groups, and people don't generally want to make an entire new set of tee-total friends just because they have a medical condition.

CatnissEverdene · 02/01/2019 22:30

He's incredibly stupid.

As are you for running round after him.

You are enabling his behaviour.

Dosmamas · 02/01/2019 22:30

@Wolfiefan ahh sorry, I thought it meant it limits what you can do with your life.BlushBlush

Wolfiefan · 02/01/2019 22:30

I had to check! Blush

MattFreisCheekyDimples · 02/01/2019 22:31

Hmm, if there are no children to think of in this picture, I'd be walking, I'm afraid. Bad enough you're putting up with this without also being accused of being 'unsympathetic'. What's keeping you with this man, OP? What are his redeeming features?

Miggeldy · 02/01/2019 22:32

Oh please.
What a loser he is.

Bin.

Myimaginaryreindeerhasfleas · 02/01/2019 22:33

Five times a year he does this to himself? YANBU. I bet his employer loves him.

Dosmamas · 02/01/2019 22:38

I love these threads, it's like any hint of hardship in a relationship is straight away "leave" "divorce" "bin him" as though every poster here actually divorces/leaves their partner when ever there is trouble. I'm gonna get on my high horse here but if your married don't the words "in sickness and in health" mean anything to you? Self inflicted or not, he's being an arse, and insensitive, but unless there is more to the story there is no malice here, just ignorance to his partner's feelings.

SheilaHammond · 02/01/2019 22:39

My DH has epilepsy too. Chronic conditions like this put a strain on the whole family. Even though I empathise with him and the restrictions it brings, I wouldn’t put up such irresponsible behaviour. It’s unfair on everyone.

He should have a specialist epilepsy nurse (if you are n the U.K.) you could talk to them for help.

WhoWants2Know · 02/01/2019 22:40

FFS! Has he not heard of SUDEP? Tell him to fucking google it and get a grip.

Seriously, a night out is worth dying for?

Have you or he read how any of his meds interact with alcohol?

PositivelyPERF · 02/01/2019 22:40

So how far are you willing to give up your life for this man, OP? He already has you pandering to his pathetic behaviour. He’s not a child or young adult, FFS. Are you willing to spoon feed him, attend to his toileting needs, wash and dress him? Because if he continues like this then there a very good chance he’s going to end up with a brain injury. I spent years nursing head injury patients and believe me, you don’t wan5 to end up doing that. Get out of this relationship with this man child, before you end up an unhappy carer.

userschmoozer · 02/01/2019 22:43

Dosmamas thats a common comment to make on these types of thread, but generally people feel that women don't have to stay with men who are abusive or addicted.
Life's too short to waste it enabling someone with their addiction, whatever it is.

Petalflowers · 02/01/2019 22:47

So he has a five day self-induced hangover, plus he is endangering his,life.

He needs to,grow up and take reposnsibilty for his health. If you know excess alcohol causes this,problem, then you don’t drink. There’s plenty of acceptable soft drinks on the market nowadays, or buy a coke and pretend you are drinking rum and coke, for example.

Wordthe · 02/01/2019 22:47

in sickness and in health, yes but it doesn't say in self sabotage co dependence addiction and enabling

the partner in question is not ignorant of her feelings, he's is DARVO-ing her

Wordthe · 02/01/2019 22:48

deliberately inducing epileptic seizures, this is surely very bad for his brain?

Butteredghost · 02/01/2019 22:49

If I have understood correctly, you are saying he could have a few drinks but just not get totally wasted? If yes then he is being even more UR. Drinking to excess isn't a right. There's no point him thinking "poor me, I'm the only one who can't get wasted" - I would think most of us are in the same position. We have to stick to a sensible amount of alcohol due to health conditions, general desire to be healthy, on a diet, taking care of dc, or for work, eg, people that work on Saturday or are on call.

I mean what if OP decided to go on a bender on day 1 of DHs confinement? If benders are something that anyone can and should do whenever and can't be avoided, why shouldn't she?

AnyFucker · 02/01/2019 22:49

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MattFreisCheekyDimples · 02/01/2019 22:53

They aren't married and don't have a family, dosmamas. He is OP's partner of 3 years. It's not the same. And it's more than a 'hint of hardship' imo when the DP is inflicting regular trauma on himself and expecting the OP to pick up the pieces.

madcatladyforever · 02/01/2019 22:55

Oh did I drop all the saucepans, sorry love.

dangermouseisace · 02/01/2019 22:59

YANBU. He’s 50+ not 15.

WhoWants2Know · 02/01/2019 23:01

If his seizures are the sort that need a 5 day recovery, then any one of them could kill him. I don't say that to be scary, I say that as a person who works with people who have seizures, and who has seen what they can do.

Is that drink worth his life? Worth causing further permanent brain damage? Worth breaking his spine and losing the ability to walk because of a tonic-clinic seizure?

UncleFailBOOT · 02/01/2019 23:02

Well, he can make his choices with regard to his behaviours, can't he.

And so can OP. You can choose to put up with that, or not. You can choose to say: If you want to do this to yourself, you can. I can't stop you, it's your decision. But I don't want a part of the self-inflicted result of your choice.

Leaving other people to pick up the pieces of someone else's self-inflicted illness is a dealbreaker for me. It would be different if it was part of a condition that the person couldn't help; making choices that have a guaranteed negative effect is a whole different ballgame. Especially when they do it quite often. So I'd be out.