Wedding

[scotlandg]

Brother is getting married. Met his partner twice. They only met a year ago and we had our third daughter recently. They didn't attend the christening so Christmas was our first meeting. We have three girls under 5. Middle one has special needs so tricky to leave with anyone else. She is well behaved but medically is easier if with us or trained ppl. Been told our children not welcome at wedding. All the people who I could normally ask to help with the children are at wedding. Due to special needs middle child is harder to leave. Wedding is totally child free. Is no kids on her side and she's borderline blanked mine over Christmas. Numbers are 200 plus. I did suggest would be really tricky for us due to not really able to leave them with just me person - is 4 year old, 2 year old and baby. When I explained was tricky was told they trying to keep numbers to 200 and that if we couldn't go they would understand. I am confused about what best to do? I guess I'm a bit upset as I thought maybe as they the only immediate children that they could even be bridesmaids. They would have been excited to go. I am not sure what is best to do? It wouldn't be fair to leave someone with all three. We have never left them before except with my mum. I am I being unreasonable? I don't want to cause a rift. Just am not sure what best to do. I am thinking maybe best my husband stays home with the children? I don't want to go after this but I know it would upset my parents if I didn't. Thanks for any advice.

They have made it abundantly clear that they don't actually want you there.

I certainly wouldn't be putting my EBF baby and child with SN through a major change to their routine for several days in order to attend this wedding.

Your parents need to butt out. If they harangue you, you need to tell them that it isn't possible to attend as the children are not allowed into the venue at any time.

While you can choose the invite choice to your own wedding you can't do so free from criticism. If it's more important to them to have a posh wedding with distant friends than close familt I wouldn't be making any effort to attend. They don't sound like they care much about family at all.

No way in a million years would I be going.

Don't go, having a childfree wedding is fair enough but not allowing your DH and DCs to stay with you somewhere 7 hours from home is just ridiculous, and it sounds like they are not that bothered about you being there tbh. I also really doubt 200 people are close enough to this couple to pay the flights and accomodation tbh but they'll find that out later!

Husband stays at home and you go seems the most sensible plan.

Why you can't leave your kids is immaterial really.

Everyone is entitled to the wedding they want and usually on mumsnet that is the consensus so I'm surprised at how many people in here are saying differently.

^^^
This. I understand that your upset, i doubt she ignored them, she hasn't known them long enough to have a bond yet and as you said,they live over 7 hours away so it's not like she has really had a chance to get to know them either.
It's their wedding and if they've chosen to go child free then that's their choice, no-one else's kids have been invited.

A Lovely letter to grandparents is due saying how much you’d love to catch up but with a childfree wedding and venue , dcs medical needs and all family at the wedding means you can’t afford to leave for 3 days. You hope to be able to bring baby to visit next year.

"to be fair I wouldn't prioritise people i've only met twice over other friends and family who i see regularly."

Wednesday 32, the bride may have only met OP twice, but last time I checked the are generally 2 people getting married at a wedding. In this case the other person is the OP's brother?!

I'm going to go against the tide here- YABU.

They are entitled to have a child free wedding if that is what they want. The presence of children changes the tone and increases their expenses if they have to invite everyone's children.

If your children are allowed as an exception, then they'll offend all the other guests who left their children at home, only to arrive and see your children there.

Don't go. You have a good excuse- say you can't leave DC2 due to medical issues. Send a present and a telegram or whatever.

Or you alone could go for just the wedding.

I also think it's a cop out to blame the fiancé instead of your brother. Is is both of their wedding. He could have invited you. Fiancé has no connection to you, you would never have fallen on her side of the guest list. He didn't invite you. Get annoyed at him if you must be annoyed at someone.

I think it's sexist to always blame the woman for social failings. My MIL gets pissy at me if she doesn't like a present or doesn't think she gets enough invitations to dinner. Never at her son, DH, who should be the one maintaining the relationship with his family.

Weddings are a two way street. The couple can dictate whatever terms they want - their day, their choice. If that means no kids then so be it. However, they don't have a right to be upset at you if you choose not to come because those terms inconvenience you. I know you are worried about "causing a rift" but is that actually going to happen here? This situation is only unfair if they now get upset that you don't want to come.

I also think it's a cop out to blame the fiancé instead of your brother. Is is both of their wedding. He could have invited you. Fiancé has no connection to you, you would never have fallen on her side of the guest list. He didn't invite you. Get annoyed at him if you must be annoyed at someone

I agree. I wondered this when reading.

How sure are you OP that this is all down to your (soon to be) SIL? I know you say she blanked your children at Christmas etc... But to me this all sounds as though you've been informed through someone else what she has said rather than her actually informing you directly.

Me and DP have recently done guest lists and it wasn't up to me to invite his family, it was down to him to decide who he wanted there on his side.

I think there is a lot of speculation here that this decision is solely down to your SIL when in reality your brother could have had a lot more involvement in the decision making than you realise and being that you should be one of his guests, that's where I'd be directing any upset.

YANBU. There’s going to be 200 people at that wedding. 200! And there isn’t room for the groom’s three small nieces? And no having nieces and nephews at a wedding doesn’t mean you need to let everyone’s kids come.

And whoever said why should the bride invite someone she’s only met twice, well apart from the fact OP is the groom’s sister, remember the groom? Well at a wedding with 200 guests and a couple that have only been together a year do you think they will both know every single one of them well. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if there were more than a few that one of them hadn’t met at all.