Wedding

[scotlandg]

Brother is getting married. Met his partner twice. They only met a year ago and we had our third daughter recently. They didn't attend the christening so Christmas was our first meeting. We have three girls under 5. Middle one has special needs so tricky to leave with anyone else. She is well behaved but medically is easier if with us or trained ppl. Been told our children not welcome at wedding. All the people who I could normally ask to help with the children are at wedding. Due to special needs middle child is harder to leave. Wedding is totally child free. Is no kids on her side and she's borderline blanked mine over Christmas. Numbers are 200 plus. I did suggest would be really tricky for us due to not really able to leave them with just me person - is 4 year old, 2 year old and baby. When I explained was tricky was told they trying to keep numbers to 200 and that if we couldn't go they would understand. I am confused about what best to do? I guess I'm a bit upset as I thought maybe as they the only immediate children that they could even be bridesmaids. They would have been excited to go. I am not sure what is best to do? It wouldn't be fair to leave someone with all three. We have never left them before except with my mum. I am I being unreasonable? I don't want to cause a rift. Just am not sure what best to do. I am thinking maybe best my husband stays home with the children? I don't want to go after this but I know it would upset my parents if I didn't. Thanks for any advice.

The issue isn't the child free wedding or the op not wanting to go as it's going to be complicated. The problem is the parents who will make a big deal out of it!

She sounds awful, but don’t let her ruin your family.

So the OP has to fork out a small fortune (travel, accomodation, clothes, gift etc) to appease her self-centered family?

Sod that.

Given that the bride to be has said she will understand if you can't make it, I suspect she doesn't want you or your children there. Although given you have only met her twice, I don't really understand how she has come to that conclusion.
I really wouldn't make the effort to go. And don't be bullied into attending by your parents, if your decision is not to go. You are perfectly capable of making your own mind up, whatever that might be.
I would be selling my baby equipment too.

Not a cat in hells chance I would attend the wedding. Bride to be sounds like an absolute bridezilla. And who was asking for your baby stuffy? Your parents or them? Fuck that. No way.

Out of interest what do your parents say about the logistics? If they guilt trip you do you have your replies all ready? X

I think she is putting barriers in the way. Too many compromises for you, none by them x usually I wouldn’t expect a bride and groom to compromise but this is close family.

And like hell would they be getting any baby gear in the future either!

I agree that ultimately it's their prerogative to have a child-free wedding, so long as they're gracious if this means some people can't attend (which it sounds like they will be).

However I understand completely that you'd be upset that your brother would rather you didn't attend his wedding, rather than make an exception for your kids. The absolute refusal to allow them in the vicinity seems very uncompromising and must be hurtful.

I don't think you should go and you should be clear why if your parents have the audacity to object. Your brother has made it very clear that the wedding is a child-free zone, even if this means you don't attend. They need to take it up with him if they have a problem (just make sure it's clear that you respect your brother's wishes, so any challenge your parents may make isn't attributed as having come from you).

We had a child-free wedding, but had any siblings had children they would have been the exception. Then again I know (or hope!) that we'll be very close to any future nieces and nephews, as we're close to siblings - it doesn't sound like you / your kids and your brother and his fiance have that relationship?

We also made an exception for breast-fed babies, as our intention in not inviting children wasn't to preclude their parents from attending! It was down to numbers and the kind of wedding we wanted - we hoped that everyone would be able to make arrangements with over 12 month's notice, and thankfully they did.

Pfft. I've declined wedding invites for way less.
Save your baby stuff, fucking cheek. I'd have smiled back and said, "yep, I'm saving it for all the future babies I'll be having" and enjoy their face

Rant: while I get that some out of control kids ruin events, and some families are toxic, but generally... I am sick of this trend of Perfect Day > family/community bonds. The perfect [insert item] is not more important than caring about how you treat people - especially people you call family, double especially for children.
The perfect venue that requires hours of travel and therefore excludes some of your future support system is just a stupid trend.

I'd have fish and chips on the beach before I'd exclude any of my family's children.

Ok, good I just needed to check I wasn't being unreasonable. Child with medical issues was rushed off in ambulance other day so I guess I am quite anxious to leave them and so didn't know if I was being selfish. I will have my answers prepared for my parents. Basically I think my brother won't mind if I'm not there as he wants to do whatever makes bride happy and I don't think she's keen on me and my children.

I would not go, and I don't say that lightly.
200 guests and 3 small people can't be squeezed in? And they aren't even allowed to be on the premises/ in the accommodation. Bridezilla comes to mind!

Does your brother feel the same as his fiancé? I'm sorry you lost your other sibling. I would've thought that a family wedding would be a great opportunity for everyone to come together after what I'm assuming hasn't been a great time for your family. It doesn't seem like the death of a sibling has given your brother any perspective on what's important in life. I would let them get on with it.

Just read your updates Op & have now changed my mind - I don't think you should go. It's far too far & quite obvious that they don't want you anywhere near with the rule that your DCs aren't even allowed to stay there.

So sorry Op, I can imagine it's made you feel horrible but remember that it's about them & not you - they're the ones who are completely out of order & if your DB is a decent bloke, then he'll surely regret it one day but I just hope it's not too late to repair the damage this will cause to your family relationships.

Ah op given your updates I'd be turning it down too.

If you are in another country and your daughter needs medical assistance while you're not there you'll feel awful. I'd hate to cope with that and a tiny baby and another small child alone, if your DH ends up in that circumstance.

Also it does sound like there are barriers in place to not have your children there. And who would do that knowing that GP's coming from Australia could have the opportunity to see their GDC - someone who doesn't want the attention focus off them for a minute!!!

And fuck saving the baby stuff for someone who couldn't make it to a family christening - get it sold.

She doesn’t have children. She doesn’t want that sort of wedding. It’s hard to take but not everyone sees it as “ two families coming together” and want it more to be a celebration of “them”.
Could you not suggest to your parents that you do a meal together before or after the wedding? Just to wish them well but with less investment.
I agree with a previous poster who said the wedding won’t be nearly as much fun for the guests as the bride and groom think. Some of the pissed up couples will love it, lots more will secretly begrudge shelling out a fortune on a three day extravaganza,
Let’s hope it doesn’t rain though.

The issue isn't the child free wedding or the op not wanting to go as it's going to be complicated. The problem is the parents who will make a big deal out of it!

So, the OP refers them back to her brother. It is the B&G who have put the barriers there, not the OP being difficult. OP just needs to say "I would love to be able to be there. I am incredibly sad that DBro is making it impossible for us to come, but it is his wedding, his choice"

I would feel really hurt by this OP. I don't really see how you can go to the wedding and your brother should be mindful of your circumstances. 200 (!!)guests but very close family members can't be accommodated! It's a poor show.

I agree @yikesanotherbooboo & likely guests will notice too so they might not get their perfect day anyway as people will openly question why the Op isn't there. Everyone likes to see happy families at weddings & it's noticeable when siblings aren't there (especially if friends know you were previously close & with what happened with your other sibling).

I can understand some child free weddings as the numbers can really bump up the cost. I have never gone across a wedging where breast fed babies weren't expected to attend, how ridiculous. Why bother inviting the mother only to say she can't attend due to failing to adhere to the rules.
Personally , I would put family first in any wedding scenario so that if there is culling of guest numbers to be done it would be among friends and colleagues. 200 is a preposterously large number of invites for any sort of intimate event... sorry I'm rambling OP.... incensed on your behalf!!!

Gosh OP. I'm all for child-free weddings (had one myself and been to a few since I've had my own kids) but this one really takes the cake. Banning your DC from the hotel and the 3 days (?!) of events (I know this is common in some cultures but WTF? Unless of course your SIL is of a culture where that is common)
Sorry but your brother sounds like a twat. I really have no respect for those who have affairs, and I think he will regret the way the wedding is done in a few years - and I'm also guessing the marriage won't last that long either. Do your parents know how hard logistically it is for you? I can't believe they're putting pressure on you to attend.

I wouldn't dream of going and wouldn't lose a moment's sleep over it. 'It's not possible'. The end.

They won’t let a breastfed baby attend with its mother? They sound like absolute twats.

Also Op they are in very early planning stages. Bride will know what she envisgned and has only met you and the children a couple of times. Your children although family have less to do with her and your brother than the friends that introduced them or her best friends that have put up with numerous flopped relationships over the years. I’m guessing they will be her bridesmaids.
I didn’t have my young nieces and nephews being part of the ceremony because it wasn’t a young family wedding. However with hindsight it would have been fine to have them throwing a few petals etc. But the wedding planning was organic. We had to organise the simplest plan based on very little. They may have 200 ready to invite but who knows if they will all accept or if the venue will suit them.

Hi, yes, I guess that's the rub. Prob feeling a bit hurt he would rather I didn't attend than could bring the children. He knows I can't really access other childcare for child with sn/medical issues and also bf baby even if I could ask a friend to have our oldest. It is not a cultural thing the three day events. I think they just to be a big celebration I guess.

I hope your daughter is doing much better.

I'm all for a child free wedding if that's the bride and grooms choice. However in this case it sounds less like a child free wedding and more like just your child(ren) free wedding. She's made no attempt to get to know your children, obviously has no inclination to try and make a good impression with her in-laws and quite honestly, your brother sounds spineless. I'd skip it, send your regrets and if your parents question it, you can simply say you are your children are your priority. Good luck and don't back down !

to be fair I wouldn't prioritise people i've only met twice over other friends and family who i see regularly. You say they didn't come to your christening or see the children so why would they invite them. Its a two way street if effort isnt being made on both sides to meet up. Once you invite one side of children it opens a can of worms for the other side. Their wedding their choice. I wold leave the children at home with partner and go with other family members.

Don’t go, they have told you they are fine with that, tell your parents dB is completely fine with it, talk to him. I think peacemakers very easily slide into being doormats, don’t be a doormat for two people who sound like they don’t give a rats ass. Presumably brother and ex had lots of mutual friends after 10 years, I hope there are a lot of hmmmms at this new gf overnight, engaged a week later (time frames exaggerated) and 3 day overseas extravaganza where closely related children may not even be glimpsed in the distance planned that same evening (time frame NOT exaggerated according to the op!)

Have a lovely catch up with ex that weekend and tell her she’s better off without your brother. I’m sorry for your loss of a sibling and hope your unwell child’s condition is stable, that sounds very stressful.