Wedding

[scotlandg]

Brother is getting married. Met his partner twice. They only met a year ago and we had our third daughter recently. They didn't attend the christening so Christmas was our first meeting. We have three girls under 5. Middle one has special needs so tricky to leave with anyone else. She is well behaved but medically is easier if with us or trained ppl. Been told our children not welcome at wedding. All the people who I could normally ask to help with the children are at wedding. Due to special needs middle child is harder to leave. Wedding is totally child free. Is no kids on her side and she's borderline blanked mine over Christmas. Numbers are 200 plus. I did suggest would be really tricky for us due to not really able to leave them with just me person - is 4 year old, 2 year old and baby. When I explained was tricky was told they trying to keep numbers to 200 and that if we couldn't go they would understand. I am confused about what best to do? I guess I'm a bit upset as I thought maybe as they the only immediate children that they could even be bridesmaids. They would have been excited to go. I am not sure what is best to do? It wouldn't be fair to leave someone with all three. We have never left them before except with my mum. I am I being unreasonable? I don't want to cause a rift. Just am not sure what best to do. I am thinking maybe best my husband stays home with the children? I don't want to go after this but I know it would upset my parents if I didn't. Thanks for any advice.

You're not upsetting your parents. Broken record

"It's the wedding of their dreams and unfortunately it's just not feasible for me to come due to timing. One of those things isn't it"

Yeah, well, he doesn't care about upsetting your parents and you can't make all the issues you have go away, so something has to give. Just tell your folks now, We are not going to the wedding. It's childfree, don't have any solutions to work for us and with the distance we're not able to make it work. And then don't give it a second thought, your brother isn't.

Sorry no ideas for you just is plainly ridiculous not to invite kids to a 200 person wedding! People need to start thinking about others for once rather than this perfect day rubbish. 200 is hardly close friends! Nice people would have your 2 elder dc's as flower girls/page boys (sorry forgot gender!)

I had babies at mine, was no problem at all, just don't get the child free thing

Were your parents upset they didn't come to the christening?

I wouldn't go. All that money for a snub. No.

No my parents just said he was in new relationship and they had gone away for romantic weekend. They are a lot harder on me not doing the right thing family wise. Think they figure he is harder to force to do something. I tend to if really pushed as I end up feeling bad.

Oh, I totally understand childfree weddings. I've seen some weddings nigh on destroyed by out of control kids the parents did nothing to control.

Don't feel bad, and don't go. Just keep repeating that you're sorry to miss it, but travelling for 14 hours alone just isn't feasible. Especially leaving behind a breastfed baby and a child with complex medical needs.

This sounds really similar to my DHs family. His cousin is getting married in the summer and recently when we got together she was trying to convince her husband to be (pretend he’s your brother...oh god maybe he is 🙈) to not have kids at their wedding. Of course I was completely agreeing as we didn’t have kids at our wedding. It wasn’t until she declared it was her husband to be nieces/nephews that she didn’t want there. The only reason we had no kids is because we had no nieces/nephews and couldn’t justify inviting all of our friend’s kids (I mean when would you stop) but if we did have nieces and nephews they would have 100% been there or had at least been invited. Please PM me if your wedding is in Scotland as this sounds such a familiar story xx

They are a lot harder on me not doing the right thing family wise. Think they figure he is harder to force to do something. I tend to if really pushed as I end up feeling bad.

Well, fuck that, scotland. Seriously. That is a toxic dynamic where he's golden balls and you're the second horse. There's support on here on the stately homes threads to help you learn to respond to this type of guilt tripping.

Step out of the FOG put yourself, DH and DC first!!!

Wedding is not in this country. Huge apparently ex royal estate! Lol. Not sure I didn't catch all details as was more focusing on the children. I do totally understand if children misbehave you take them out, we would always do that. So far they have been good at events. Just naughty at home! Lol. We would absolutely do that. I wouldn't even mind if they could stay on the estate and potter around with my husband during it. But they just don't want them there at all.

It might be 'their wedding, their choice' but you'd think he could find a place for his sisters 3 children out of 200 people, especially as it means his sister can't go otherwise. He sounds really selfish OP. And your update about your parents being harder on you than him is really unfair.

If I was you I wouldn't go. And if asked why i would answer that I have a breastfed baby and with a child with medical needs and it is not possible to leave them for three days. And I'd point out to people that you aren't even allowed to have them stay in the apartment. Other people will think your brother is an arse too.

Okay, they don't want them there. You are going to have to accept this. But also because of this, you can't go. That's life! Just get to where you can accept this and move on from it because they won't change.

If you want to go and I can understand why, could you either make it into a holiday so stop nearby with the kids, go to the wedding and reception and back to hubby and the kids, or speak to parents and travel / bunk Inn with them if DH can cope with the three kids for several days? Obviously the latter is harder as DD has additional needs so might not be possible.
Or talk to parents, explain the situation and ask their advice? It might help them be less moany when thry realise what position thryve put you in?

Jesus. I was the most child-unfriendly person before I had dc still am and I thought I was hard line about my wedding. My bridesmaid was miffed I didn’t invite her ds, my godson, for example (but she understood). BUT even I allowed a breast fed baby when her mother explained she couldn’t be left, and I would have relented for the children of a close family member if they had no other option.

I was going to say you go, leave the dc with your dh, but since your update about them even being banned from staying in an apartment on site I have changed my mind. Fuck them. Don’t go, make it clear to your parents that they have made it completely impossible, and give your baby stuff to a charity shop.

Yes I will talk to my parents and explain. I was good to come on here first as I know they will try and shoot me down and act that I'm being unreasonable so at least I know I'm not being so. Thank you

Phew 🙈 we also said to breastfeeding mum’s that they were welcome to bring their babies. It’s crazy they haven’t at least said that....not that it makes it any easier for your elder two of course but she’s being very unreasonable xx

She said that if you couldn't go she would understand?

Sorry. She doesn't want you there. There are probably friends she'd rather invite. I'd decline. Support your brother when it all goes wrong in a few years.

"Wedding is not in this country."

When is the wedding, @scotlandg?

Does it involve flights or ferries, as well as 7 hours travel?

You do not have to justify yourself to your parents. They think the sun shines out of your brother's arse but he's a dickhead. There's no curing stupid, though, and you're wasting your breath. Just keep it simple and if they lay on the guilt just repeat. Truly, get the stately homes threads so you can get support and help in not allowing them to guilt trip you any more. YANBU!

Take the ex as your plus 1

My brother married 3x - 2 child free didn’t go. My sister married 2x - 2nd child free didn’t go. Just don’t go

What reason have they given for you not being allowed to all go and stay on site and just you attend the wedding? That was going to be my suggestion and the fact it’s been vetoed is totally unreasonable.

Enormsnob that would be so funny if I did! She is lovely although sadly for her she is still sad about the whole thing :). Wedding is in rural France. Not confirmed as yet as they only got engaged Xmas day in morning. Lol plans had been drawn up by the evening tho so I don't know if she had already been planning it!