Wedding

[scotlandg]

Brother is getting married. Met his partner twice. They only met a year ago and we had our third daughter recently. They didn't attend the christening so Christmas was our first meeting. We have three girls under 5. Middle one has special needs so tricky to leave with anyone else. She is well behaved but medically is easier if with us or trained ppl. Been told our children not welcome at wedding. All the people who I could normally ask to help with the children are at wedding. Due to special needs middle child is harder to leave. Wedding is totally child free. Is no kids on her side and she's borderline blanked mine over Christmas. Numbers are 200 plus. I did suggest would be really tricky for us due to not really able to leave them with just me person - is 4 year old, 2 year old and baby. When I explained was tricky was told they trying to keep numbers to 200 and that if we couldn't go they would understand. I am confused about what best to do? I guess I'm a bit upset as I thought maybe as they the only immediate children that they could even be bridesmaids. They would have been excited to go. I am not sure what is best to do? It wouldn't be fair to leave someone with all three. We have never left them before except with my mum. I am I being unreasonable? I don't want to cause a rift. Just am not sure what best to do. I am thinking maybe best my husband stays home with the children? I don't want to go after this but I know it would upset my parents if I didn't. Thanks for any advice.

Sell your baby stuff to find your trip there

Are they getting married near where your parents live? Can you make it at least a long weekend catching up with family if you're making all that effort to go?

I wouldn't go.

No, it's where she is from and is somewhere very remote so no hotels near. But my husband could drop me off and collect me and we could stay 30 mins away I guess. Everyone else is staying as they have booked 200 bedrooms/individual apartments. Said the children can't stay in apartment with husband during it. So obv we cant actually stay there but rest of guests will do so. Absolutely nobody else has children in any of the rest of the family. So they would be the only ones. Their friendship group don't have children yet I don't think. I'm older than my brother although she is my age. Really appreciate all the advice. Helps me gather my thoughts :)

The funny thing is they have told us to save our baby stuff for them!

What a shame you had a friend with much more immediate needs!

You are banned from using the accommodation during the event...

F*ck em I don't think she even wants you there!!!

Said the children can't stay in apartment with husband during it.

Who said and why not?

I'd just leave them when their dad whist you attend the wedding. Not worth causing a rift over.

Aw OP I don’t think you’re being over-sensitive at all. I get that some people want child free weddings, but I wouldn’t usually think this exclusion would include immediate family such as nieces and nephews. I would be very upset if my sibling didn’t invite my DC to their wedding, and by the same token even though me and my DP have discussed an (almost) child free wedding, it would definitely still include both my sisters and his sisters children.

I personally would be tempted to not go at all in your position. I understand you not wanting to upset your parents but has your brother considered this when he has excluded his nieces knowing this will make it almost impossible for you to attend..?? He’s said to not worry if you can’t make it so obviously thinks this is a likely outcome. I’d only go if you actually really want to and are able to arrange childcare (either your DP or a sitter). Lots of love OP, families can be a bloody nightmare! X

I honestly think if you go you May end up just very upset at the way you, your DH and DC are being treated.

They are renting like a big estate with over 200 accommodation rooms/apartments. Said the children are not to be there at all or during any or celebrations. It's 3 days worth as they doing beach bbqs etc. It was made massively clear to me that the children including breastfed baby must be left elsewhere. I was quite surprised at so didn't really answer properly at time.

Your update has left me gobsmacked.

Decline and tell them why. Rude.

Oh my god DO NOT save your baby things for them!!! If you’re having more children say sorry no, we still need it, if not sell it immediately! That is unbelievably presumptuous especially considering how this woman ignores your children and the pair of them refuse to invite them to a close family wedding. I’m very close to my sisters and one had children before me but I wouldn’t dream of demanding she give me her possessions for free!

To me it doesn't sound as though DB and fiancee actually want you to come - how is your relationship with them both? It seems that they're putting obstacles in your way and hoping you bow out (the comment about the apartment is particularly telling).

Personally I would send a lovely card with your best wishes for the day and say you hope to see them afterwards, but I wouldn't go.

I really don't think it's feasible.

How are you parents going to feel when you are there for the hour ceremony and don't get to spend any time with anyone as they are all too busy partying for 3 days?

What happens if DC2 is ill or DC3 still being bf?

Are the guests paying for their own rooms? Are all their friends loaded???

Filling your latest update I would 100% decline and tell ‘dear’ brother and your parents exactly why. I’m sorry but your brother and his future wife are a set of dickheads.

I'd honestly quit tying myself in knots over this and tell them all right now that you are not going. LOL @ the idea that people have all this money to hire specialist nurses and nannies. It's not feasible for either of you to go. So don't. DH didn't go to his brother's wedding as it was a destination wedding and I was 39 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child at the time. It was a 3 hour flight away, I was already pregnant when they got engaged and set up the date. We got a lot of flack from his family but wtf? It wasn't possible and they wanted that date. Practice thickening your hide and letting it all just roll right off you.

Just leave them with their dad for the day and if anyone else mentions anything tell them politely why you're not partaking in the 3 day event.

It's their wedding so respect their wishes, it's one day

They haven't done anything wrong. Having children anywhere changes the tone of an event, if they don't want that for their day then it's entirely up to them.

They aren't horrible people, just doing things differently.

I would probably stay near and go to the wedding alone and leave dh with the children for the day in your shoes.

*Just leave them with their dad for the day and if anyone else mentions anything tell them politely why you're not partaking in the 3 day event.

It's their wedding so respect their wishes, it's one day*

But it's not 1 day if it's 7 hours from where the OP lives?

The couple have made it super clear that it is a child free zone. There are no exceptions, so it’s isnt that’s your family is being singled out.

I’m going to do some projecting here perhaps, but the reason they’re saying no to kids on site is that they think you’ll bring them in by stealth. Half way through the speeches you get a call from DH that one of the kids won’t settle....

You may not do that. A guest at my wedding did. It does not please the other 180 guests that left their kids.

Until this I was reasonably close with my brother or so I thought. I was also close with his previous partner of 13 years and continued the friendship when he left her for this new partner so I don't know if they are annoyed I did that. They have quite a jet set wealthy crowd and I'm a fairly run down exhausted mum so maybe don't want us to bring down the instagram opportunities! Lol. Not sure really. Maybe I offended her somehow. She spent all of Xmas talking about the wedding and obviously I had to keep going off to sort the little ones and feed the baby so maybe she thought I was being rude. Basically I just don't want to upset my parents.

It's a 3 day event and you have a small baby. Just don't go.

It's also during school term time but actually ceremony is Saturday. So we can only attend bit anyway. Not sure if the guests paying for the rooms. I think probably are. They all seem fairly well off/live in expensive areas of London/Paris etc.

I wouldn't go. I'm sorry, it's crap but they sound completely unreasonable. Yes it's their weekend but they are also family, you're not someone off the street!!

I’d not be going. It’s entirely up to them to have a child-free wedding but the lack of understanding surrounding your unique situation is extremely selfish.

It seems plain they don’t want you there given the offered solutions aren’t acceptable.

If I had the money to fling at my wedding like that I’d pay extra for the nurse myself if it meant my sibling could come.