Wedding

[scotlandg]

Brother is getting married. Met his partner twice. They only met a year ago and we had our third daughter recently. They didn't attend the christening so Christmas was our first meeting. We have three girls under 5. Middle one has special needs so tricky to leave with anyone else. She is well behaved but medically is easier if with us or trained ppl. Been told our children not welcome at wedding. All the people who I could normally ask to help with the children are at wedding. Due to special needs middle child is harder to leave. Wedding is totally child free. Is no kids on her side and she's borderline blanked mine over Christmas. Numbers are 200 plus. I did suggest would be really tricky for us due to not really able to leave them with just me person - is 4 year old, 2 year old and baby. When I explained was tricky was told they trying to keep numbers to 200 and that if we couldn't go they would understand. I am confused about what best to do? I guess I'm a bit upset as I thought maybe as they the only immediate children that they could even be bridesmaids. They would have been excited to go. I am not sure what is best to do? It wouldn't be fair to leave someone with all three. We have never left them before except with my mum. I am I being unreasonable? I don't want to cause a rift. Just am not sure what best to do. I am thinking maybe best my husband stays home with the children? I don't want to go after this but I know it would upset my parents if I didn't. Thanks for any advice.

The cost, the hassle, the bridezilla...

If you're parents want to pay for you and family to have a week at a luxury fire nearby I'd consider it

This is fucking ridiculous. You're his sister FGS. Wedding of 200. Who does she think she is? Meghan Markle? (She'd probably be kinder.) I strongly suspect delusions of grandeur here. She sounds awful OP.

Their wedding, their choice blah blah blah.

I think you are BU.

I think you're taking it too personally and you sounds a bit PFB, PSB and PTB tbh!

It sounds like they don't want any children at all - perhaps they feel that's the fairest?

Start making exceptions and it gets complicated and stressful.

Also perhaps they feel if they let your kids stay, then how can they say no to other people's kids?

And then that leads to the danger that guests will drop out of the evening early or the kinds will drift over anyway.

And as you say, you're not particularly close to your brother and you don't sound like you know the bride that well (or even like her tbh)

The MN rule is usually, your wedding, your choice but don't expect people to come - which they don't!

You have the option of going by yourself, and as it's your family, you won't be alone!

Don't make this wedding about you and your kids, let them have it their way with good grace!

Lol they said 200 guest list was their absolute minimum shortlist and that they have had to axe lots already. She didn't want to really invite much of her family. So I think it's mainly her and I guess his friends?work colleagues maybe. Not sure in honesty.

I wouldn’t bother going, one of my favourite mn expressions, it’s an invite not a court summons.

It's pretty clear you prefer the ex and wish he'd married her, with your little cherubs as attendants. And you're entitled to feel that way, but given that your opinion is probably fairly obvious to his actual fiancée I'd not be going out of my for you either to be honest.

Could you all travel stay in hotel and just you go to ceremony. Then arrange to see the family members you won’t see otherwise for breakfast say the day after. It will reflect badly on them that you are there alone. I was seriously ill when my brother married and went to ceremony with a tracheotomy in and didn’t stay for evening but I was glad I went. Would be very odd not to see brother married.

Flamboyantpotato id not met her before Christmas. So I had no knowledge of her to form a judgement. Yes I do feel bad for previous partner. He left her after well over a decade at Christmas for the new partner. Which of course is his choice. However I was close ex to her because of the long time I've known her. I don't think I should just disown someone because their relationship didn't work out.

Your brother sounds a twat, scotland.

This is why women who are with some guy for years and years and he keeps putting off marriage and kids are told to LEAVE him on here.

Oh hang on - a three day wedding at a chateau in rural France you say?

I went to one of these. It was made out to be this amazing place, and we should all be grateful the B&G were splurging to hire the entire place for us all to stay there. Beautiful grounds, swimming pool, the works.

Well, it was bloody awful. Rundown, hideously uncomfortable ancient beds, unbearably stuffy at night but if you opened the windows the mosquitos from the stagnant moat swarmed in, very basic communal bathrooms, bring your own towels and bedding, tiny swimming pool, overgrown grounds full of nettles, and miles from the nearest village so there was nowhere to escape to.

Honestly, you’ll be dodging a bullet by not going.

The terms of the invite don’t suit you, so I think you should offer a genuine and heartfelt I’m sorry I can’t come to your brother. I would advise you do your very best not to let it fester or come between you and your brother - they will soon realise how unreasonable they have been in months or years, but if you make it an issue they will double down and this will set the pattern for your future relationship. Just wish them well and let them grow up a bit.

So he was with some for years left her at Christmas got engaged straight away and the wedding is already planned ? Have I read that all correctly?
I wouldn't worry ID be surprised if it actually goes ahead

You’ll be picking up the pieces before too long!

They are renting like a big estate with over 200 accommodation rooms/apartments. Said the children are not to be there at all or during any or celebrations. It's 3 days worth as they doing beach bbqs etc. It was made massively clear to me that the children including breastfed baby must be left elsewhere

and

The wedding is in another country 7 hours away

Mean they have sort of self selected.

From the title / OP, I had more sympathy with the B&G, and can understand them preferring a wedding without a 4, and 2 yr old and newborn and was going to suggest you going on your own (won't really be on your own of course as all your family will be there) but these choices mean it isn't possible. You can't leave a breastfed baby and it really isn't at all practical to take them all with you, so it looks like none of you will be able to go.

However, I can't really imagine that 200 other people will want to spend their money, time, and annual leave couped up in a rural french chateau for 3 days either, so I expect her guest list will shrink once the replies start to come in, and then the room prices for everyone else will go up if she is hoping to recoup the cost from guests so , potentially once someone has pointed all this out (close family can't come, will guests choose to ?) then plans might change a bit.

This has made me so angry on your behalf!!!

Your brother missed your child’s christening for a weekend away with his gf?! What a dick.

We didn’t have children at our wedding, but we only knew one couple with children. If my siblings had children we would’ve obviously allowed them - i can’t believe how much of a fucking arsehole your brother is. And his bitch “fiancée”. Sounds like some ridiculous rebound rush wedding and hopefully doesn’t happen. Bastards.

It’s their wedding and their choice. If they want to have 200, 500 or 1,000 people and no children amongst that number then that is their choice too. They are not unreasonable to say “no children at all” as long as they accept that those with children may opt not to attend. It sounds like they are OK with this, so it’s fair enough really.

You, in turn, have the choice whether to attend sans children, or not attend at all.

They sound like assholes to be honest 😂! I get the whole "wanting to have their wedding their way" but it sounds like it's all HER way and your brother hasn't really had a say, and I guarantee would probably like to have you all there, rather than none of you at all. He should be standing up for himself and his side of the family and demanding a say in it. If people don't want kids at their wedding fair enough, but it's his nieces for gods sake. Seems they've lost sight of what a wedding should be all about, a celebration of love with your family to witness, not some "insta perfect" crap to get as many likes as they can. I wouldn't go as it stands. I'd message brother and say that you're "all really really disappointed that the children haven't been invited, and unfortunately not going to be able to attend due to no childcare, which is a real shame. Hopefully you'll reconsider making an exception on the strict 'no child rule' for you nieces as they and you would hate to miss their special day" a bit of guilt and leaving the ball in his court. Some women are so odd when it comes to being a bride. I know someone who was told said she couldn't bring her 1 week old baby to her wedding as she didn't want to lose any of the attention 🤣🤣🤣🤣 seriously.

I wouldn't go OP.
Your sil-to-be sounds like a typical pampered and spoilt little rich girl who is too selfish and self absorbed to think of anyone else.

Your brother is either just as selfish and self absorbed or he's afraid of the gravy train grinding to a halt if he stands up for himself or his sister.

They probably won't last too long as a married couple anyway, esp if a child comes along.
So no point wasting your money.

It sounds like they don't want you there, or anyone who isn't rich. I'd feel relieved, tbh. Unless they are hiring Dick Strawbridge's chateau, it would probably suck.

Please go. My family is in tatters over something like this that happened 20 years ago. Come and rant here, but keep it cool with your family. If you can make it work that you all go and spend time in the closest village, fab, otherwise just go for part of the day by yourself. She sounds awful, but don’t let her ruin your family.

They probably won't last too long as a married couple anyway

I agree this isn’t a wedding it’s a performance

I can't believe you'd jump through all those hoops so as not to upset your parents!

No-one seems to care about upsetting you!

If people make selfish plans and demand that others go along with their dictats or sling their hooks then they are the ones who 'ruin the family', ffs, nz. And if a family is that fragile that one selfish twonk's plans leave a family 'in tatters' then it was on its last legs anyhow. The OP has a breastfed baby and a child with SN and a low income. She also has a twat for a brother.