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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wedding

162 replies

scotlandg · 02/01/2019 18:14

Brother is getting married. Met his partner twice. They only met a year ago and we had our third daughter recently. They didn't attend the christening so Christmas was our first meeting. We have three girls under 5. Middle one has special needs so tricky to leave with anyone else. She is well behaved but medically is easier if with us or trained ppl. Been told our children not welcome at wedding. All the people who I could normally ask to help with the children are at wedding. Due to special needs middle child is harder to leave. Wedding is totally child free. Is no kids on her side and she's borderline blanked mine over Christmas. Numbers are 200 plus. I did suggest would be really tricky for us due to not really able to leave them with just me person - is 4 year old, 2 year old and baby. When I explained was tricky was told they trying to keep numbers to 200 and that if we couldn't go they would understand. I am confused about what best to do? I guess I'm a bit upset as I thought maybe as they the only immediate children that they could even be bridesmaids. They would have been excited to go. I am not sure what is best to do? It wouldn't be fair to leave someone with all three. We have never left them before except with my mum. I am I being unreasonable? I don't want to cause a rift. Just am not sure what best to do. I am thinking maybe best my husband stays home with the children? I don't want to go after this but I know it would upset my parents if I didn't. Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:
helpmum2003 · 02/01/2019 18:37

OP this is so hard. Clearly they have a right to choose guests they want and you have a choice whether to go or not.

If it's a 7 hour drive and you'd not enjoy the wedding without DH and kids I would decline gracefully.

Good luck!

Original poster
scotlandg · 02/01/2019 18:37

She's made it really clear she doesn't want them there so it's made me feel quite upset on behalf of the kids I guess. I was upset she blanked them too. Maybe I'm just hormonal from baby so bit oversensitive.

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 02/01/2019 18:38

As in leave and join your DP for the evening with the kids

CherryPavlova · 02/01/2019 18:39

Could you train someone to care for your child between now and then? Maybe speak to the local hospital children’s ward and ask whether a children’s nurse wants to start babysitting.
Otherwise is her medical condition such you could apply for respite through local authority or children’s hospice?
Some areas have a scheme for families with a child with special needs where the parents/siblings get time off whilst a trained volunteer looks after the child with special needs.

You could hire a cottage near the wedding and take an agency children’s nurse with you, perhaps?

It might be a good idea to broaden the number of people who you are comfortable leaving your children with anyway.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 02/01/2019 18:41

I wouldn’t go op they don’t want to put themselves out and include immediate family so I wouldn’t put yourself out especially for 7hours away. What does your family say?

Accountant222 · 02/01/2019 18:41

Don't go, take your family for a lovely day out with the money you would have spent attending and present.

DoDoo · 02/01/2019 18:41

Why are they horrible people? I understand your predicament OP, it's annoying and a nuisance for you and if you said you couldn't attend then that would be understandable.

But some people just want a child free day for their wedding and that's okay, it doesn't make them awful people... If they said no children but acted completely insulted when you said you may not be able to attend, that would be wrong of them but they haven't.

And I know from experience of wedding planning that it isn't as simple as saying 'you can't find space for your sister's kids in 200 guests' because likely most of those 200 guests have children too and you end up feeling obliged to invite them all to avoid comments like the ones here.

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 02/01/2019 18:43

Their wedding, their choice. You don't have to go.

HannahnotAgnes · 02/01/2019 18:44

Try not to take it personally Op - she may just not be keen on children (a lot of people aren't). Don't write her off just yet.

Windgate · 02/01/2019 18:49

Been told our children not welcome at wedding that if we couldn't go they would understand
If that is actually what has been said then, sadly, you know your family are unwelcome and you have your perfect reason to decline the invitation. I'm sorry Flowers

HairyDogsFeet · 02/01/2019 18:50

When is the wedding? RSVP will be a couple of weeks before and so you don’t have to decide yet

mummymeister · 02/01/2019 18:51

I honestly think this will be one of those times when/if they have their own kids they will look back and think "wow, and we didn't want our nieces and nephews there" You have a couple of options all of which are going to need planning and which one you go for really all depends on how bothered you are. If you really want to go then start speaking to some of the specialist nanny agencies in your area to find one to train up and leave the kids overnight with them in your house. it will be a faff and expensive. or go on your own . personally, I wouldn't go but I would write to my brother and tell him why not . Yes, its their wedding but weddings are supposed to be about families and everyone will notice that one of his sisters isn't there. if you do decide not to go make sure that you let everyone in your family know why. This is obviously a wedding more about "show" than about family and it wouldn't be one I would want any part in.

itsalloverforanotheryear · 02/01/2019 18:53

Do you have any friends, childminder, babysitter you can call on? If not I'd not bother going as it's so far away.

divadee · 02/01/2019 18:58

I sometimes wonder if I live in a parallel universe. The posters saying hire a medical nurse or a qualified medical nanny etc...... do they realise how much this would cost? On top of travel, clothes, hotel rooms (and an extra one for the hired help), presents etc...... all to attend a wedding where it's been made clear she isn't that bothered if you attend or not. Wtf??????

Her brother is a knob. He is letting the bride be a bridezilla to his family. OP don't go, tell the family why. Yes your mum and dad will possibly be upset but then they also need to realise that it's impossible for you to go. Maybe mum will then have a word about brothers behaviour.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/01/2019 19:08

When I explained was tricky was told they trying to keep numbers to 200 and that if we couldn't go they would understand

I wouldn't have said anything about it being "tricky" myself, but anyway their response couldn't have been fairer - they've given the invitation, you're free to attend or not and they're being understanding either way instead of putting expectations on you or being huffy if you don't go

I thought maybe as they the only immediate children that they could even be bridesmaids

Could I ask why - especially as they don't sound keen on having kids at the wedding at all? I mean this gently, but IME it's often best to wait on what the couple ask or suggest, rather than nursing hopes over what might happen

Seniorcitizen1 · 02/01/2019 19:10

You know what the answer is - you don’t go. If they are miffed too bad - they are making it child free so must except some no shows even close family

Original poster
scotlandg · 02/01/2019 19:10

We don't really have the spare funds to Hire specialist nurse. My second became ill when I was pregnant with third baby. Since then I've not been able to work as I need to be near child 2 at all times. Is unlikely I will be able to work for some time, if ever - as depends on how child 2 is doing. So we manage ok on husbands salary but we don't have money for extras. My brother is my first child's godfather, I guess I just thought we had a closer relationship than we do. Problem is I am really reluctant to upset my parents and they would prob lean on me to go rather than upset my brothers new partner. Our sibling passed away last year so I'm keen to avoid doing any actions to distress them. Just thought that would mean brother would be even more likely to want family there but I guess not. The funny thing is they have told us to save our baby stuff for them!

OP posts:
Chalkitup · 02/01/2019 19:15

I wouldn't go.
Fair enough the trend these days seems to be for people to want child free weddings. But even so most couples still include their very immediate family members children.
When living that far away, all the travelling, the fact you're breastfeeding and may not be able to even leave your baby for more than a few hours, having no comprehension of how difficult it is with 3 young children to get childcare, even without medical issues is very self absorbed imo. But their choice I suppose. I'm sensing that you arnt very close to your brother? Also if they've invited 200 people it's not exactly like they're scrimping is it.
Surely your family will understand why it's virtually impossible for you to go.

Greyhound22 · 02/01/2019 19:19

Just don't go.

I've declined all child free invites since I've had DS. It's totally their choice not to have children at the wedding but they then have to realise people may not go.

Caused a bit of trouble with one wedding as other family members were leaving their DCs and going but I hadn't left DS before and it was a 3 hour drive.

Just be polite and say sadly you will be unable to attend - hope they have a nice day and send a nice card.

OrdinarySnowflake · 02/01/2019 19:20

Perhaps this is just highlighting that you aren't as close to you brother as you hoped you would be?

I wouldn't go, or jsut you go and your DH stay at home. Is there other family you can sit with?

arsearsearse · 02/01/2019 19:20

Your brother and his partner are being selfish and blinkered. So now it’s your choice whether or not to cause a rift. Could you hire a cottage with your parents, your dh and your kids, and make a holiday of it? Your dh and the kids stay home on the day of the wedding but arrange to see other family who’ve come from abroad the day before or after. That way you adhere to their wishes, your parents are happy, and you were at your brother’s wedding. Doesn’t stop him being an arse but you will have made the most of the situation

Original poster
scotlandg · 02/01/2019 19:22

Ah reason why is brother was with previous partner for long time (until last year) and when they were talking about wedding they always mentioned they wanted our girls in part of the ceremony. Guess maybe that's why. But I'm not bothered about that is less stress they aren't in honestly. Just more a bit upset she doesn't want them there at all and blanked them at Xmas. I guess I just have to accept it as is course their day. Just feel a bit upset as ours is normally a close family but maybe I'm just being sensitive. Hopefully baby will wean ok before then! Lol

OP posts:
Atalune · 02/01/2019 19:22

You need to talk to your brother and explain everything as you have here.

You’re breast feeding- babes in arms are usually permitted at weddings.

I would go with DH with all kids to a hotel- attend the wedding with your baby and leave early to go back to help dh.

It’s a crappy compromise but I would do that.

Pinkprincess1978 · 02/01/2019 19:25

To be fair to them your children are still very young and will not enjoy the wedding even if they were invited. They don't want young children running around their wedding which I can totally understand.

Everyone is entitled to the wedding they want and usually on mumsnet that is the consensus so I'm surprised at how many people in here are saying differently.

Yes in a few years they may feel differently and wish they had allowed your young children but they also might not. They seem to expect and understand you might not go so as long as there is no back lash then they are doing nothing wrong. I would say to leave the children with your DH but given how far the wedding is realistically you are looking at 3 days away which is a long time to be away from your young children especially the baby so personally I wouldn't go.

iamyourequal · 02/01/2019 19:28

If you are the only immediate family to the couple with kids, then 3 extra little people wouldn’t matter a jot to the extra cost. I think your future SIL is being a complete bridezilla. She will be sorry when she has kids of her own. We didn’t have children at our wedding. It was a rushed ‘shotgun’ wedding with only 10 there and we were paying for it all ourselves too (including overnight stay for all). If I could go back in time I would definitely invite my nephews ands niece. Looking back I feel absolutely awful we didn’t. I would tell you brother ASAP that you can’t go and give full honest reason why not. Hopefully between now and wedding they will have a rethink and invite you all.

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