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AIBU?

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Original poster

awkward family situation - what to do?

132 replies

LookAtFrostyGo · 02/01/2019 08:34

Will try and be brief.

My DM is NC with her birth family, she left as a mid-teen to live with another family member and has had no contact in the past 40 years. I wasn't aware of this until my early teens. DM will not talk about it.

Roll on to last year and we had a family funeral. DM (well mostly DF actually) eventually told us what had happened (violence) to cause he to leave and she was worried her siblings would be at the funeral (her parents already dead) and she did not want any contact.

At funeral DM's sibling introduced himself to me, i was polite but ended the conversation as quick as I could for DM's sake.

4 months later now and I get a message on FB from a lady who asks if i am DM's daughter and she thinks she's my cousin. I am assuming therefore she is this sibling's daughter. My name is quite unique and was printed on the order of service at the funeral which i guess is how she has found me.

i don't know what to do now.

DM is clear she wants no contact and will not talk about it all. She has said she is fine if i wanted to make contact (this was before the funeral) but i know she didn't mean it.

I'm torn as I have nothing against this girl, she and I had nothing to do with the situation with my DM and i admit i am curious. But at the same time i don't want to hurt my DM.

Any advice on how to move forward with this? I don't want to mention it to DM as i don't want to upset her but at the same time her reasons for being NC are not relevant to me and this girl.

Help?

OP posts:
ViolaLucyofTirol · 02/01/2019 08:37

We are not our parents so l would at least 'connect' with her via message, is it sibling of DM who she moved away because of?

Dogsmellssobadbob · 02/01/2019 08:39

I would stay away
Unless you are desperate for new family members why would you upset your DM?

Imagine if you had been abused and then your family agreed to be in contact in a friendly way with that person

If your DM is a good mum to you and you care about her just ignore the message

Sarahjconnor · 02/01/2019 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LookAtFrostyGo · 02/01/2019 08:41

She moved away because of violence on her DF's part, which her DM refused to acknowledge as a problem and she felt that her sibling was following the violent tendencies so cut complete contact. This girl is the daughter of that sibling.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/01/2019 08:41

You can either reply to your cousin or block and ignore. Your mum doesn't need to know if you do have contact with her.

What's your gut saying?

LL83 · 02/01/2019 08:42

I would respond to message in case she has anything important to say.

Polite one off chat, wish her all the best but no future contact.

Unless you really want to see her?

Original poster
LookAtFrostyGo · 02/01/2019 08:43

i don't know what i hope to achieve. I have never had an interest in contact with her siblings, i accepted (before i know the reasons) that she had a very good reason to be NC and i respect that.

But this girl is nothing to do with those reasons and she has reached out to me. and I feel bad to just ignore her. and i'm curious, she is my family.

i was wondering whether to reply and nicely say that i can't be in contact out of respect for DM?

OP posts:
LadyintheRadiator · 02/01/2019 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 02/01/2019 08:44

Tell the cousin the truth.

The thought of making contact with her birth family still fills her with fear, after all these years, so you must be considerate pf her wishes. Facebook contact, maybe, Meeting up, possibly not.

I can understand why you are curious but would probably recommend that you take your mum's lead on this. She is the one with the very strong emotional reaction to this. They are her family. She gets to choose whether or not she has contact with them. You would have to be extremely careful not to hurt her - and it sounds as though that might not be possible.

Then again, in not wanting to hurt her, not telling her, you are infantilising her. Maybe a calm discussion is the way to go. Te her about the contact, your reservations and ask her for her honest opinion.

Original poster
LookAtFrostyGo · 02/01/2019 08:45

it would get back to my DM - the relative she lived with's son is in contact with DM's sibling, has been for years. Secrets have a way of finding their way out i find.

and DM and i are very close and i would not upset her for the world.

which i guess is my answer. i just feel bad that i would otherwise be quite happy/interested in getting to know her a bit.

OP posts:
RitaTheBeater · 02/01/2019 08:47

It’s impossible to know whether this lady is going to bring happiness and joy into your life or the opposite.

She might have her own side of what happened, told to get by her father and it may cause some problems. Or she might become a much valued member of your family.

It may be that there is more to it all and that your mother does not want any more information from the ‘other side’ to either reach you or for her to have to talk or think about any more.

I think I’d tell your mum that this woman has contacted you and then see what she says.

Original poster
LookAtFrostyGo · 02/01/2019 08:48

lady yes i suppose that's true, but equally me and this cousin are not our parents and don't necessarily need protecting from each other.

I believe my DM has never dealt with her issues from her youth, it isn't normal to pretend your early life didn't exist and never mention it unless you have some kind of PTSD attached to it.

If i told DM she would tell me she was fine if i wante dto have contact but she wouldn't mean it and would be very hurt and stressed about it.

OP posts:
sandgrown · 02/01/2019 08:49

I would not ignore your cousin as she is not to blame for what happened. Maybe just restrict to limited contact on social media so as not to upset your mum.

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2019 08:50

You can message back and explain why you can't be in touch?
Maybe she's in the same situation?

SummerStrong · 02/01/2019 08:50

Ask your DM if she would feel comfortable if you responded to your cousin. If she says it's fine, then do so. But tread lightly and be considerate of your DM feelings.

Original poster
LookAtFrostyGo · 02/01/2019 08:50

rita i do not doubt that there are two sides to every story however the final tipping point that made DM leave was witnessed by many people (my DF included) so i dont doubt that situation. However with regard to her siblings i don't think anything actually happened, she just felt they were too similar to her DF to want to risk any contact, she prefered to pretend that part of her life and her whole birth family didn't exist.

OP posts:
AdoreTheBeach · 02/01/2019 08:50

Interesting one as I see you point OP. Why not advise you cousin that due to the situation between your DM and your cousin’s parent, that out of tesprct for for your DM, you don’t feel comfortable pursuing a relationship. thank her for reaching out to make contact and you will be in touch in the future should the situation change.

This way you’re honest as to why you’re not accepting this first move but also not cutting off any possible future interaction.

Original poster
LookAtFrostyGo · 02/01/2019 08:51

nanny she is unlikely to be in the same situation as her parent, DM's sibling went out of their way to introduce themselves to me at the funeral and tried to prolong the conversation. i feel therefore that they would be happy to have contact.

OP posts:
OhLemons · 02/01/2019 08:54

Does this cousin still love with the sibling that was violent towards your mum?

Original poster
LookAtFrostyGo · 02/01/2019 08:55

to add, the relative who is in touch with this sibling has never made any mention of them being violent or in anyway like DM's parents - however having met them they does look 'the type' that could very easily be that way (judgey, yes but i have limited info to go on). but the limited info i have is that they are married with a family and no indication of issues.

OP posts:
OhLemons · 02/01/2019 08:55

Live not love!

MatildaTheCat · 02/01/2019 08:55

Because your DM not only had an issue with her parents but also her sibling who is parent to your cousin I would say there is a lot of scope for a conflict of interest. This person is a total stranger and almost certainly anything you say will go back to those people which is precisely the opposite of NC.

So unfortunately I think you either ignore or send a very polite message saying that out of respect to your DM you aren’t able to connect.

Not many people go totally NC and deny their childhoods, it must have been fairly desperate.

Grannyannex · 02/01/2019 08:56

If this sibling has violent tendencies then possibly the cousin has had a difficult childhood too? I would respond and chat. There maybe more to this

implantsandaDyson · 02/01/2019 08:56

To be very honest I wouldn't contact the cousin, well I might just send a short message saying that due to previous family circumstances it wouldn't be appropriate to be in contact. With the best will in the world you don't have any connection to the cousin apart from the fact that your parents shared parents. You've no shared childhood memories, photos etc, they're a stranger to you. I'm not sure what you'd hope the outcome of contact to be?

I don't talk about a traumatic event in my past - the odd time to my husband but certainly not to my kids and I don't think I will no matter what age they are. So I would let your mum deal with her childhood in the way she feels best.

Original poster
LookAtFrostyGo · 02/01/2019 08:56

ohlemons can't say for definite but there is a wedding photo on her FB so i would assume not. the only way she could have found me is through her parent though, my name spelling is unusual and i am married myself so she couldn't 'guess' my name, she would have to be told it. and my name was printed in the order of service for the funeral as i did a reading.

OP posts:
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