awkward family situation - what to do?

[LookAtFrostyGo]

Will try and be brief.

My DM is NC with her birth family, she left as a mid-teen to live with another family member and has had no contact in the past 40 years. I wasn't aware of this until my early teens. DM will not talk about it.

Roll on to last year and we had a family funeral. DM (well mostly DF actually) eventually told us what had happened (violence) to cause he to leave and she was worried her siblings would be at the funeral (her parents already dead) and she did not want any contact.

At funeral DM's sibling introduced himself to me, i was polite but ended the conversation as quick as I could for DM's sake.

4 months later now and I get a message on FB from a lady who asks if i am DM's daughter and she thinks she's my cousin. I am assuming therefore she is this sibling's daughter. My name is quite unique and was printed on the order of service at the funeral which i guess is how she has found me.

i don't know what to do now.

DM is clear she wants no contact and will not talk about it all. She has said she is fine if i wanted to make contact (this was before the funeral) but i know she didn't mean it.

I'm torn as I have nothing against this girl, she and I had nothing to do with the situation with my DM and i admit i am curious. But at the same time i don't want to hurt my DM.

Any advice on how to move forward with this? I don't want to mention it to DM as i don't want to upset her but at the same time her reasons for being NC are not relevant to me and this girl.

Help?

@ElsieMc

My half sister responded to some limited contact but dropped me pretty quickly after telling me she had not spoken to my birth mother for 25 years and she did not want to tell her dad (who may be my dad also) about me. She gave no reason for this and I have sadly accepted the situation.

I suspect it's inheritance related.

I would pay her no heed. If you want to contact this man, do it.

Sorry, it does sound tough

Me me me me me. This isn't about the OP. This is about her mother, who escaped a traumatic and abusive situation and I find it quite upsetting that the OP has even flirted with the idea of 'it would be nice to know extended family'.

@Juells

I think it's the lure of family. I just can't blame OP for being curious about her mum's side.

Sorry it's upset you, hope it hasn't triggered any memories.

Thank you so much for everyone who posted, it has really helped.

after talking to DF yesterday morning i then spoke to DH last night. It's now very clear to me that my want to contact was purely as a reaction to feeling 'abandoned' by my 'grandparents' and that coming to light so recently with my 'grandfather's' death and the will.

I took DF's advice and have slept on it but this morning i'm very sure of what i want and need to do and that is definitely to put a stop to any contact. Not just for DM but for me too, this is not a pandora's box worth opening. I have plenty of loving family on my DF's side and i don't need to go looking elsewhere.

I have DC of my own with a bad relationship with my MIL - i have some idea of how bad it would have to be to severe that relationship and deny my DC their grandparent (MIL is not that bad at the moment) - whatever DM went through was clearly traumatic and I need to continue to trust in her decision.

Clearly this contact has to be initiated by DM's brother, its the only way the cousin could know my name. I have no desire at all to know him as he has hurt my DM in some way. Clearly anything I said to this cousin would get back to her father and that is just not fair on DM.

So thank you all for your balanced advice, especially withgrace who shared so much. I'm going to send my message that i wrote yesterday and then tell DM that this has happened and I have shut it down (glossing over my wobble about it) so the 'secret' can't get back to her from elsewhere.

Thank you all!

frosty
I think it's also important to remember that if your DM's brother wanted to mend fences, apologise etc there is nothing stopping him, apart from his own courage, from contacting your mum directly and facing the music, so to speak. He doesn't need a go between.

Chances are they are just being nosy. I think you've made the right call.

Your mum has been through hell, and managed to somehow turn her life around. She sacrificed her family, her support network and her connection to her past to keep herself and her family safe. It’s not something you do lightly, believe me

^this

The thought of anyone from my family getting in touch with my DC is the stuff of nightmares

^and this

It may be that the person contacting you has no idea what happened to your mum. But you may end up in contact with your DMs abuser through them whether you mean to or not. They may even have deliberately engineered this contact to get close to your mum (or you) in order to continue the abuse.

I do not usually talk about my past in any detail with DH, but I will discuss the abuse I experienced during my childhood with DD when she is old enough. She needs to understand the risk from my family. They may seem nice but they are not.

Well done Op.