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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

awkward family situation - what to do?

132 replies

LookAtFrostyGo · 02/01/2019 08:34

Will try and be brief.

My DM is NC with her birth family, she left as a mid-teen to live with another family member and has had no contact in the past 40 years. I wasn't aware of this until my early teens. DM will not talk about it.

Roll on to last year and we had a family funeral. DM (well mostly DF actually) eventually told us what had happened (violence) to cause he to leave and she was worried her siblings would be at the funeral (her parents already dead) and she did not want any contact.

At funeral DM's sibling introduced himself to me, i was polite but ended the conversation as quick as I could for DM's sake.

4 months later now and I get a message on FB from a lady who asks if i am DM's daughter and she thinks she's my cousin. I am assuming therefore she is this sibling's daughter. My name is quite unique and was printed on the order of service at the funeral which i guess is how she has found me.

i don't know what to do now.

DM is clear she wants no contact and will not talk about it all. She has said she is fine if i wanted to make contact (this was before the funeral) but i know she didn't mean it.

I'm torn as I have nothing against this girl, she and I had nothing to do with the situation with my DM and i admit i am curious. But at the same time i don't want to hurt my DM.

Any advice on how to move forward with this? I don't want to mention it to DM as i don't want to upset her but at the same time her reasons for being NC are not relevant to me and this girl.

Help?

OP posts:
Original poster
LookAtFrostyGo · 02/01/2019 10:01

weirdcat that is exactly what DM would do.

I am going to tell her and Df about the contact but after i've sent the reply shutting it down so i can present it as 'this happened and i've said no' so DM doesn't feel pressure to pretend she wouldn't mind. That way no secrets, it would be bad if it somehow got back to DM that contact had been made and she didn't know.

OP posts:
Juells · 02/01/2019 10:01

I really think that the OP risks damaging her relationship with her DM if she has any contact with that side of the family. Even if her DM says it's fine, she might see it as a massive betrayal.

Original poster
LookAtFrostyGo · 02/01/2019 10:02

spiky - her exact words about her brother were 'he was too much like our father' - could be that he was just showing traits, could be he was already violent. its open to interpretation.

OP posts:
SilkenTofu · 02/01/2019 10:06

Seriously, you are considering having a relationship with your cousin, the daughter of a man who was violent/abusive to your mum along with her parents? These people were so horrible to her that she has had no contact since. Playing happy families with your extended family is just another slap in her face and will possibly trigger horrible feelings and memories.

she and I had nothing to do with the situation

You would both be enabling her misery and potential further abuse.

SpikyHedgehogg · 02/01/2019 10:12

We can only go on what people tell us. If OP's mum has told her that the brother didn't abuse her (yet) and that she's fine with contact than we should believe her mum, in exactly the same way that we believe her version about the abuse.

I know that the subtext to "No, that's fine" is often "bloody not fine" but I think that a lot of harm and confusion comes from ignoring the explicit communication. Either accept the "it's fine" or challenge it with, "I hear you saying that but I feel you don't really mean it" and open up a conversation.

Frosty I think your message is just perfect and achieves just what you want it to.

W0rriedMum · 02/01/2019 10:12

I am another who would not further contact. It can only go badly while your mum is alive.
As you say, there is possibly more to the story than you know, and given another family member stepped in to take her - which would have been quite unusual as families didn't tend to interfere - it may even have been beyond physical abuse which was sadly too common back then.
Your mother is traumatised - I would leave well alone and remember the petrified teen she was back then.

SpikyHedgehogg · 02/01/2019 10:13

Seriously, you are considering having a relationship with your cousin, the daughter of a man who was violent/abusive to your mum along with her parents?

No, OP's mum herself said she left before there was a chance he might become abusive. If you believe that he's really an abuser, than why not accept contact from his (vulnerable?) daughter??

W0rriedMum · 02/01/2019 10:13

Also, could you bear to hear positive stories over people whom you believe abused your mum? I think the entire situation is too challenging.

SpikyHedgehogg · 02/01/2019 10:14

You would both be enabling her misery and potential further abuse.

I personally haven't read anything in the OP's words that she would ever facilitate abuse.

diddl · 02/01/2019 10:15

How many relatives of relatives are you supposed to continue discounting though?

That said-could they have contacted you sooner if they had wanted or would this have been the only chance due to seeing your name?

SpikyHedgehogg · 02/01/2019 10:16

Also, could you bear to hear positive stories over people whom you believe abused your mum? I think the entire situation is too challenging.

I agree with this, but the OP isn't getting in contact with the abuser. She's replying to a message that the abuser's granddaughter sent.

This situation is being painted as a black & white situation. Either you refuse any contact whatsoever from the cousin or you completely get taken over by the birth family and betray your mother. I don't think they are the only two choices here.

Anyway, the OP has made her decision and I think that her reply is perfect for what she wants the outcome to be.

Seaweed42 · 02/01/2019 10:17

You could just ignore the message.
If your mother is on Facebook too then if you message this woman your DM will be getting friend requests etc from her and start seeing all the other woman's relatives appearing in her Friend suggestions.
Just Ignore it and do nothing is my advice.
You can always go back in 6 months time and answer her.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/01/2019 10:18

I just can't believe how nosey and blinkered you'd have to be to ride roughshod over a family member's feelings to do this? I mean, OP has never met this family, they're not her family other than on a theoretical 'tree'? Confused

I'm glad that you're not going to pursue this, LookatFrosty. Telling your mother than you've declined contact would probably be a great relief to her.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 02/01/2019 10:19

Your mum showed incredible strength and sense of self to know to walk away as a teenager from a very bad situation. Countless adults find that difficult or impossible ... yet she managed to do it. And she went on to raise you in a happy, safe, secure home.

I'm glad you've decided to respect that and decline contact. Don't destroy what she's worked so hard for ... a happy family! a happy you! You weren't missing a thing until someone suggested you might be... not their place, really.

Juells · 02/01/2019 10:20

If your mother is on Facebook too then if you message this woman your DM will be getting friend requests etc from her and start seeing all the other woman's relatives appearing in her Friend suggestions.

This. Photos of all her family members will start popping up as 'friend suggestions'.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 02/01/2019 10:24

How many relatives of relatives are you supposed to continue discounting though

Yes, exactly. Why should the OP be severed from her wider family?

Juells · 02/01/2019 10:30

Yes, exactly. Why should the OP be severed from her wider family?

She doesn't know them, never did, and it will upset her mother if she's in contact. My mother went NC with a large swathe of my father's family and it never bothered us. As adults we've run into them again through other family members, and understand why she gave them the elbow - and admire her for doing it.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/01/2019 10:36

I think in your shoes OP I would talk to your mum and explain what's going on and be lead by her reaction and feelings on this matter.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/01/2019 10:39

Exactly, Juells. The adults at the time determine the relationships that their children will have.

For some, 'go NC' seems to be easy, a 'badge of courage' almost and I could quite see that for some of the posters here - easy come, easy go. For OP's mum she cut off her whole birth family. That was a serious decision and she's maintained it all this time. This was her right - her family. It's not OP's family to 'sever', she never knew them.

Original poster
LookAtFrostyGo · 02/01/2019 10:40

bizarrely DF has just phoned and i've completely offloaded on him. Turns out i have some deeper reasons within myself as to why i was considering contact (the people i saw as my grandparents not actually viewing me the same way) and somewhere inside part of me was looking to replace that family that i thought i had and have lost in a way.

DF has advised me to sleep on it before doing anything, work through my feelings and why i'm conflicted and then see. he's going to call me again in the morning to talk again. i love my DF. He agrees that he thinks there was historical abuse before he came on the scene. but DM is cagey even with him about it all.

DM not on FB so no risk there.

i will sleep on it but i will be sending my message tomorrow. whatever my feelings I cannot do that to my DM.

Thank you for all your advice.

OP posts:
Myimaginaryreindeerhasfleas · 02/01/2019 10:40

Don’t engage at all. We all have family somewhere we’ve never met. FB has made it easier to get in touch but really there’s no reason for you to be. This is one of those situations where you don’t need to be polite.

Reassure your DM that this is going to be your approach. It will set her mind at rest.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/01/2019 10:41

I missed AWishForWings' post; that sums it up for me exactly.

Verbena37 · 02/01/2019 10:43

You say your Dm left because she thought her sibling was following the same violent tendencies as her DF. However, if she left, she never knew what happened. Perhaps her sibling sorted himself out and was never like her DF. Or perhaps the sibling wasn’t nice and the cousin wants to contact you to chat over why your DM left.

You and your cousin weren’t born at that time so none of it is your fault and you can’t be blamed for wanting to know more/meet your cousin.

If I was in your position, I’d contact through Fb and chat for a bit before deciding if you should meet.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/01/2019 10:43

Frosty, good for you. I completely understand the craving to 'replace'. Maybe your mum/dad could iron out that feeling that you have of your grandparents not being as present as you expect?

That is definitely something I would do if I felt that way.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/01/2019 10:44

It sounds like your mum hasn't dealt with what has happened and has shut it away. It was a long time ago and personally I don't think it's very fair that the OP has no dealings with this side of the family, ever. Her mum doesn't need to know anything about her DD having contact with her cousin. It's a lot to put on the OP.