awkward family situation - what to do?

[LookAtFrostyGo]

Will try and be brief.

My DM is NC with her birth family, she left as a mid-teen to live with another family member and has had no contact in the past 40 years. I wasn't aware of this until my early teens. DM will not talk about it.

Roll on to last year and we had a family funeral. DM (well mostly DF actually) eventually told us what had happened (violence) to cause he to leave and she was worried her siblings would be at the funeral (her parents already dead) and she did not want any contact.

At funeral DM's sibling introduced himself to me, i was polite but ended the conversation as quick as I could for DM's sake.

4 months later now and I get a message on FB from a lady who asks if i am DM's daughter and she thinks she's my cousin. I am assuming therefore she is this sibling's daughter. My name is quite unique and was printed on the order of service at the funeral which i guess is how she has found me.

i don't know what to do now.

DM is clear she wants no contact and will not talk about it all. She has said she is fine if i wanted to make contact (this was before the funeral) but i know she didn't mean it.

I'm torn as I have nothing against this girl, she and I had nothing to do with the situation with my DM and i admit i am curious. But at the same time i don't want to hurt my DM.

Any advice on how to move forward with this? I don't want to mention it to DM as i don't want to upset her but at the same time her reasons for being NC are not relevant to me and this girl.

Help?

I'm sorry but people don't warp the memories of abuse that make you walk away from everything you ever know. from your family from your life from your home. don't do that lightly. you seem to be making up the excuse here that watch she went through wasn't as big as she says it is and I think that's pitiful to your mum to anyone that survived and ran away from an abuse so massive it causes u to go 2nd forever!

I agree with pp who say just leave it alone. There is just too much you don't know and the chances of upsetting your mum and ruining your relationship are too high. Your mum's actions to avoid her birth family speaks volumes, and I think tell you all you need to know.

lying the funeral was my 'grandfather' - the man who raised my DM after she left. the will made it clear he favoured he 'real' grandchildren over me and Dbro (very outing now but what the heck). my 'grandmother' through the wonderful medium of dementia is making it abundantly clear she feels the same. as much as i knew they weren't my real grandparents since i was a young teen i always loved them like they were and thought they felt the same, the fact they didn't/don't has hit me harder than i thought. i think this is why part of me is reaching out to want to connect.

it wont be the right thing to do though, i know that. i will be saying no. for DM's sake. The more i think about it the more i think this has to have come from DM's brother, its too much of a timing coincidence that they have contacted me now and she can only know my name from DM's sibling following the funeral.

I would tell your DM about contact, and tell her you will be guided by her decision.

I would leave it. She is a stranger so you are not losing anything by not having a relationship.

If you are curious about potential revelations they may have, that can wait until your mother has died.

That's awful, Frosty, I'm sorry you were so cognisant of that. We see it here all the time; mostly posters talk of blended family life being equal but quite often, you can see there is a genetic imperative that raises its ugly head. Wills can really be a stark slap in the face sometimes, I'm sorry.

You should have been treated equally, you and your mum both. You as a granddaughter and your mum as a daughter. Blood isn't everything.

The thing is, you don't know this branch of the family and opening Pandora's Box could be an enormous mistake. What posters have said about the convenient timing is also something to think about.

If you still feel the same when your mum is no longer around then that would be the time to pursue it if you want to.

I'm really sorry your grandparents (real or not) have treated you this way. For what its worth, my grandparents played the favour game amongst their grandchildren, it didn't matter how much you actually got on with them or the time you spent with them, it only mattered about our gender and the gender of the relevant parent! All water under the bridge now for me but its left plenty of mental scars within my extended family.

Can you access counselling of some sort, maybe even grief counselling? These thoughts and feelings have a way of eating away at you over time if not dealt with. Good luck with everything.

I'm glad that you're not going to pursue this, LookatFrosty. Telling your mother than you've declined contact would probably be a great relief to her.

I agree. Although I see why you're conflicted about making contact, I agree you shouldn't out of respect and support for your DM. Your DF sounds lovely btw.

"I am going to tell her and Df about the contact but after i've sent the reply shutting it down so i can present it as 'this happened and i've said no' so DM doesn't feel pressure to pretend she wouldn't mind. That way no secrets, it would be bad if it somehow got back to DM that contact had been made and she didn't know."

I think you are doing exactly the right thing LookAtFrostyGo. Your mum's brothers have had 40 years to rewrite history in their own heads and in the heads of their children. They're not going to admit being 'bad people' to themselves, and certainly not to their children. Your cousin will have been given a very different family history to the one you've become aware of.

Big ((hugs)) to your mum. Removing herself from that would have been very difficult back then. And respect to the family member who took her in.

You sound like a lovely, caring daughter, I’ll bet your mom is very proud of you

Block and ignore.

What a difficult situation OP - I think you're right to put the situation on hold at present, while you work through your own emotions.

Secrets will always come out - which is why DH told our DC (in their 20s) of his family background recently. They were shocked and it has had huge repercussions within the wider family, but I'd rather they coped with it now with our support, than at some time in the future when DH isn't around to say 'but despite everything, I'm ok'.

I think you are doing the right thing OP by not being in contact with the person. I would ask you though to think about why you think your mum hasn't dealt with what happened, just because she won't talk about it. Not talking about something traumatic is just as valid a way of dealing with something as talking about it. Also, if the abuse was bad, which it must have been for her to leave her family, then of course it's still upsetting to her now. It sounds like you sort of think she should be all ok and fine with talking about it now that a lot of time has passed? Things don't work that way, not should they have to.

For me the 'caring' thing to do would be to not engage, not reply, and not tell my DM about the contact at all. Why drag up such negative feelings for her when she's put it behind her? There are things in my life that are safely buried, don't bother me at all, but if something happens that reminds me it's as if the skin over the memory is paper thin. We don't all need to deal with things in the same way, for some people it works to just put it out of our minds.

Ah, cross-posted, took a long time to read the full thread. I posted "And respect to the family member who took her in." and you have since wrote of the favouritism shown by those family members for their grandchildren over you and your brother .

Regardless, they took her in 40 years ago. I'm old enough to remember those times, you say your mother was mid-teens; a friend at 16 rented her own bedsit and went to college/worked part-time in '79, independence at 16 was not unusual back then. Had these relatives left your mother to do similar, no-one would have thought any the worse of them. So at least be reassured that they did it because they wanted to. Because they cared about her. It would also set them against your mother's parents, and they accepted that too.

I don't know what your grandmother has been saying in her dementia, but please, try to think of it as the dementia speaking and not her. You said that you "always loved them like they were [my grandparents] and thought they felt the same". I sincerely doubt you would have thought they loved you if they didn't. Children are very astute in reading adults' behaviour. If they hadn't loved you, you'd have known - you'd have been distressed by it in childhood, you'd have been aware of it.

I wouldn’t bother.

At its most basic level, you are unlikely to have an earth shattering connection to this stranger and it will hurt your mother tremendously from the sounds of it.

For context, while I have “free access” to over 20+ cousins I’m only in regular contact with 2 of them (and even then only 1-2 per year) as we don’t get on that well/don’t have much in common.

Respect your mum. Respect the terrible, frightening and lonely path she’s had to walk in getting herself and her family away from these people. Don’t give them a way back in.

What a tricky dilemma.

My own first instinct would be for some contact, but reading other contributions has made me see that I am assuming that the reason for NC is at some level a misunderstanding, or at least localised to individual members of the family and not widespread, which you might be in a position to resolve.

Since you can't possibly know in advance which it is, I think your choice would be guided by what you hope to gain from the contact. Certainly not an easy choice, all the best.

he only saw the more public outbursts, in particular he was there at the very public 'tipping point' incident

@LookAtFrostyGo reread the above sentence and imagine it applies to your own Dc. Abuse that your Grandfather was not afraid to hide in public was most likely much more extreme at home. Please think very carefully about that.

Withgraceinmyheart nails it in my opinion too.

We have a similar situation within extended family. Approaching any of the (now adult) children would be seen as a very controlling, abusive step and would be met with strong resistance by us.

Oh, your dad's fab isn't he? But I think you're right, send the reply and th tell your mum so it's a fait accompli, and she has no reason to worry about it further.

It does sound that you are subconsciously hoping to replace one family with another, in your grief. You know it doesn't work like that, though, and so you have dithered a bit.

You do not need this family which your mum rejected. Imagine that it's not your mum at the centre, but a friend. You would be worried sick if their child decided to have contact with your friend's abusive ex-family. I do believe that your mum's sibling is behind his child's tentative FB contact, but even if he's not, you do not want to come within the compass of his attention. Keep well away.

Thank you for your lovely reply OP. It’s been really helpful for me to post on this thread and hear your perspective, and your advice is really useful.

I am getting lots of help to deal with the trauma of my past, it’s really hard though and I understand why so many people don’t.

If you would like your mum to tell you more about her past, this could be a good opportunity. I would imagine that part of her unwillingness is the fear that you will be ‘judging’ her story and turn around and say ‘well that doesn’t sound that bad actually’. One of things I worry about is my dc will think I’ve ‘been a drama queen’ and stolen their relationship with their family for no good reason.

So, if you send a message to the cousin saying you don’t want contact, then tell your mum that you’ve already done that and she doesn’t have to worry (it sounds like that’s what you’re thinking of doing), what you’re really saying to your mum is ‘I believe you. I get that what happened to you was serious, and I respect your judgement that these aren’t people we want to be around.’ That could be an incredibly powerful thing for your mum, and might make her more willing to talk to you about it.

Don’t push her for details though. Just let her know that you’re interested in talking more about it she ever wants to, because you love her and want to understand her life. I would love my DC to say that to me when they’re older.

Have you thought about getting some support for yourself? Someone to talk things through with? Your mum did an amazing thing by getting safe and keeping you safe too, but you still lost stuff. You lost out on family relationships and connection with your history. I’m so sad that my DC will probably also feel that way when they’re older, and I would want them to process that grief because it’s real too.

I really feel for you. What a hard situation to navigate. It's tricky because I agree with everything that Withgraceinmyheart says. But I have experienced family relationships where because I am not blood related and feel like an outsider. So, I can sympathise with you wanting to reach out and also - and I am not sure how to phrase this exactly - I think it is important to allow yourself to recognise that you have experienced loss because of your mother's decision. This is not to question her decision or to blame her but it's nevertheless part of the grieving process for you - the grandparents you didn't have, the extended family etc. FB is crap in that regard. I too, have a window on all the things I 'didn't have' growing up. It's not easy and it needs acknowledging.

I would be tempted not to reply at all. She won't know how active a user you are of FB. This has two benefits 1) it does leave the door open, if you learn more and it's something you want 2) BUT you are not engaging with them until you're ready, which also may be never. It is possible this person has experienced equal difficulties and is looking for some support. That's the hard part. But I think I agree it's more likely you're entering a hornet's nest which could implode in ways you can't predict.

The anxiety that your Mum will likely feel
If you are in even the most basic contact with her estranged family will be immense? Personally, I would not reply and continue on with my life as it was before.

There's a whole family history that you are being denied - including of potential genetic issues, etc.

My paternal grandfather walked out on my Gran when my dad was 1 in 1942. She brought Dad up without help or much money. The Gf went off and had another family, who evidently had a happy and stable upbringing. About 5 years ago they contacted my db on FB to try and get some sort of contact going. I didn't want to know. They had had the happy family that my Dad didn't have; they had the things my dad and Gran didn't get.

I don't have any curiosity about them; I am not bothered that I apparently have step uncles and cousins out there. I'd got to almost 50 without them, so didn't feel the lack. I hadn't been 'denied' anything.

I got in contact with my half sibling last year and it was not a happy event op. My birth mother always made it clear she did not want a relationship with me so I let it be. I was adopted out. My half sister responded to some limited contact but dropped me pretty quickly after telling me she had not spoken to my birth mother for 25 years and she did not want to tell her dad (who may be my dad also) about me. She gave no reason for this and I have sadly accepted the situation.

What I am saying op is that you could be opening a can of worms here. It is very hard to resist knowing something about your biological family but your dm is no contact for a reason. Whilst she is putting a brave face on matters, I can tell you that it will be very hurtful for her if you get in touch with the family she rejected. I waited until after my adopted parents had died out of respect to them. I now know how lucky I was that I ended up as their daughter.

I think you've made the right decision to nip this in the bud. The odds are against you having such a powerful connection with this cousin that it outweighs the ongoing stress and pain it will cause your mum.

My money's on the cousin being a flying monkey sent by your uncle. Better off out of it unless some startling new information should come to light (like the cousin also being NC with all of them) and even then it just feels like more awfulness to be dragged into