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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

awkward family situation - what to do?

132 replies

LookAtFrostyGo · 02/01/2019 08:34

Will try and be brief.

My DM is NC with her birth family, she left as a mid-teen to live with another family member and has had no contact in the past 40 years. I wasn't aware of this until my early teens. DM will not talk about it.

Roll on to last year and we had a family funeral. DM (well mostly DF actually) eventually told us what had happened (violence) to cause he to leave and she was worried her siblings would be at the funeral (her parents already dead) and she did not want any contact.

At funeral DM's sibling introduced himself to me, i was polite but ended the conversation as quick as I could for DM's sake.

4 months later now and I get a message on FB from a lady who asks if i am DM's daughter and she thinks she's my cousin. I am assuming therefore she is this sibling's daughter. My name is quite unique and was printed on the order of service at the funeral which i guess is how she has found me.

i don't know what to do now.

DM is clear she wants no contact and will not talk about it all. She has said she is fine if i wanted to make contact (this was before the funeral) but i know she didn't mean it.

I'm torn as I have nothing against this girl, she and I had nothing to do with the situation with my DM and i admit i am curious. But at the same time i don't want to hurt my DM.

Any advice on how to move forward with this? I don't want to mention it to DM as i don't want to upset her but at the same time her reasons for being NC are not relevant to me and this girl.

Help?

OP posts:
HannahnotAgnes · 02/01/2019 09:22

I agree with @Withgraceinmyheart - please read that post Op if nothing else.

Original poster
LookAtFrostyGo · 02/01/2019 09:25

mini i don't doubt her, she clearly is very traumatised by what happened, what i mean is that 40 years of not addressing this and pretending it didn't happen may have distorted her memories of what happened. not that what happened wasn't bad but just that her feelings may have multiplied over time as she never dealt with it.

I will message and say that i'm sorry but i don't feel comfortable persuing contact.

OP posts:
Original poster
LookAtFrostyGo · 02/01/2019 09:28

anyone want to help me word a good, polite 'i'm sure you're lovely but thanks but no thanks' message?!

OP posts:
Forever21 · 02/01/2019 09:29

Surely your dms siblings were in the same boat as your mother, Was they not victims too?

StillMe1 · 02/01/2019 09:30

Please be careful. Violence is very nasty. If you do make contact be watchful.
A cautionary tale. There was a person who my whole family was NC for 15 years. DC took it upon themselves to create contact. I gave this person the benefit of the doubt but in due course, the person proved to be exactly the same as the reason the family went NC. Even more nastiness was created by the contact. I resent the DC for forcing the contact.

Original poster
LookAtFrostyGo · 02/01/2019 09:31

forever21 i'm not sure. when DM left on sibling would have been 17/18/19 i think, the other would have been 12/13 i think? (just guessing). I think she felt bad about leaving the younger but her priority was to get away.

OP posts:
Original poster
LookAtFrostyGo · 02/01/2019 09:33

just looked at the message again, i think part of what has thrown me is she actually looks a lot like DM when she was younger, maybe that's why i feel this urge to connect with a stranger.

OP posts:
Withgraceinmyheart · 02/01/2019 09:34

Thanks for those who said my post was helpful.

OP, just wanted to say that I wasn’t blaming you for being polite and friendly at the funeral! Of course you’d didnt want to cause a scene. But that’s exactly what manipulation relies on, you not wanted to offend and make things awkward.

Reading your posts makes me realise how important it is that I talk to my children about my past and my family. I don’t want to, but I will because of stuff like this.

I just want to say that the fact that you don’t seem to have much knowledge about how abusive family situations work is pretty amazing. It shows that your mum managed to do what I’m dreaming of, and keep her children safe and innocent. She truly sounds like an amazing woman.

Original poster
LookAtFrostyGo · 02/01/2019 09:36

this is a bit more outing but i guess its quite identifiable anyway - her siblings are both brothers - i have always wondered, although never asked and DM has never said, if there was a more sinister reason why she didn't think twice about leaving her younger brother and getting herself away, being that she was the only girl and that from her account her own DM was completely minimising and accepting of her DF's physical violence. but that is pure conjecture.

OP posts:
Withgraceinmyheart · 02/01/2019 09:36

I’d go for something like:

‘Thanks for getting in touch. Sadly, I don’t think it would be appropriate for us to be in touch given the situation between our parents. All the best.’

Keep it simple, non specific and definitely don’t apportion any blame.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/01/2019 09:36

I would actually reply to the girl, and tell her that it's not really a good idea for you to stay in contact due to the issues with your mum, and knowing that it would cause your mum stress.

And then leave it.

I think it would be unnecessarily rude to not reply - as you say, there are no issues between you - but I also think there's no need to stress your mum out about it either.

Juells · 02/01/2019 09:36

anyone want to help me word a good, polite 'i'm sure you're lovely but thanks but no thanks' message?!

You don't have to answer, and I wouldn't. If you send any acknowledgment it's an opening that can be worked on, you might have a "But why? That's all in the past, we're a different generation, blah blah blah". You know your mother doesn't want contact, why on earth are you considering even replying?

I have about ten friend requests I've never answered, I just ignore them.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 02/01/2019 09:37

Thanks for your message. Unfortunately due to the family history I am sure you understand that it's not appropriate for me to remain in touch with you. I won't be responding to any further contact.

One thing did jump out at me from your post - the point about secrets having a way of coming out. That's very true - and because of that I would tell your DM what's happened and how you've responded. Yes she'll be upset - but she'll be even more upset if she finds out from someone else.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 02/01/2019 09:37

Thanks for your message. Unfortunately due to the family history I am sure you understand that it's not appropriate for me to remain in touch with you. I won't be responding to any further contact.

One thing did jump out at me from your post - the point about secrets having a way of coming out. That's very true - and because of that I would tell your DM what's happened and how you've responded. Yes she'll be upset - but she'll be even more upset if she finds out from someone else.

Luvey · 02/01/2019 09:38

Yes OP I was thinking the same . Again just conjecture but still .....

Original poster
LookAtFrostyGo · 02/01/2019 09:43

withgrace thank you so much for sharing your story, it had really really helped me. you have no idea how much.

as a person in the position of your DC, for me it would have been helpful if this has always been 'known' in an age appropriate way, rather than large chunks of story being dropped on us only when absolutely necessary (and often out of context). If we had grown up with DM saying 'they were not nice people and I decided i didn't want to live in that situation, for now that is all you need to know' i think it would have been easier for me and my Dbro. i'm in my 30s and only just found out last year what the 'tipping point' was.

I completely understand how hard it would be to talk about it, i saw how hard it was for DM, and even then DF did most of the talking but if you can take a bit of the secrecy away it will help avoid them possibly secretly seeking them out.

my DM is amazing, i have had a lovely life, very safe and absolutely no direct idea of how abusive relationships develop and work. and i am so grateful that she has kept us from that. the sad thing is that she has never sought help to deal with her feeling on it, now iknow more of teh story she makes so much more sense in the way she is and the way sshe reacts to things. I hope you have got help to deal with your own trama withgrace, what i can see from DM is how long lasting the effects can be xx

OP posts:
mrsrhodgilbert · 02/01/2019 09:45

I can understand your curiosity op, I have a similar family situation. My dm who is now 78 has had no contact with her family since she married as a young woman. I am 52 and have never been told about what happened, just a few snippets. I know her parents and siblings are dead but I have cousins. Due to a cancer diagnosis I did broach the subject with my df about genetics. I was being asked about family history by the hospital and could never give an answer. Sadly df became very angry that I even asked, but that’s a whole different story. I did some Facebook research and found my cousins but I have never contacted them, it’s very clear I would be opening up a hornets nest. I still wonder about the genetics, I can see my aunt died of cancer after much research, but I can’t take it further.

I think I’d advise you to leave well alone.

Consolidateyourloins · 02/01/2019 09:46

I'm usually the first to say go NC, but in this case I really don't see any harm in having some contact with your cousin, as long as you maintain clear boundaries (i.e. cousin doesn't try and you don't allow her to cajole you into see the rest of the family or try and inveigle information out of you about you or your DM.

I have an abusive brother in law who I have not spoken to in 10 years. I don't see my sister (his wife) much but I love my nieces and nephews and we have a strong bond.

You can maintain relationships with the next generation. The cousin has not done anything wrong (yet). This may also be the means to help DM move on for her sake (not suggesting for a moment she should forgive them).

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/01/2019 09:50

Withgrace's post is exactly why you should leave well alone, LookatFrosty. Why would you even contemplate this? I read your OP and subsequent posts and it seems that you are so enamoured of the idea of getting in touch/finding out more, that you're trampling all over your mum's wishes and concerns.

This is HER family, not yours. She took the decision long ago to be out of contact with them. Respect her feelings.

That comment of 'we are not our parents' irritated me. Same as a comment of 'we are not our children' would. Total disregard for the other person. Urgh.

SpikyHedgehogg · 02/01/2019 09:52

I really feel for you and your cousin, trying to make sense of the family history - so many secrets Sad. There's a chance to make things different with your generation.

Her father didn't abuse your mother, so she is two generations away from the abuser. Your mother has said she is fine if you make contact.

What have you got to lose by replying, "hi"? There's no need at this stage for the contact to go beyond social media (and if she's young it's unlikely to in my experience Grin ).

WeirdCatLady · 02/01/2019 09:54

I’m in the same position as your mom. My dd has cousins that she has never met. If she wanted to get in contact with them I would say no problem, whatever makes you happy etc. But, like your mom, I wouldn’t mean it. I’d be gutted if dd wanted to make contact with them.

Yes, my dd’s cousins have never done anything to me, one of them wasn’t even born when I last saw my siblings. But I would feel it was a betrayal of sorts. I know that unreasonable but I’m being honest. I would simply message back, No thank you, I have no wish to have any contact with you.

EchoCardioGran · 02/01/2019 09:55

Why don't you talk to your mother OP and tell her that there has been an attempt to open contact with you?
This happened with my own adult children, they told me about the approach. I answered their questions, and they made their own decision.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/01/2019 09:58

Will you be able to not talk about this to your mother, OP? Would you be able to not talk about your mother to this person? That's the thing. Imparting news from somebody who is no contact isn't right.

You have, as you say, limited information so it's fair to say that you only know what your mum has told you.

Original poster
LookAtFrostyGo · 02/01/2019 09:58

ok, so i've got:

Thank you for your message, yes I am [DM's] daughter. Due to the family history I don't feel comfortable getting in contact but I wish you all the best. Best wishes, Frosty.

I don't want to be too harsh as at this point i have no reason to think she is trying to manipulate me, but equally i want a firm and polite 'no thanks'.

OP posts:
Juells · 02/01/2019 09:59

Her father didn't abuse your mother,

You have no reason to know that.

Your mother has said she is fine if you make contact.

It doesn't sound like she's fine with it, no matter what she says. I have a family situation where I tell everyone I'm fine with it, but I'm bloody not!