Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

awkward family situation - what to do?

132 replies

LookAtFrostyGo · 02/01/2019 08:34

Will try and be brief.

My DM is NC with her birth family, she left as a mid-teen to live with another family member and has had no contact in the past 40 years. I wasn't aware of this until my early teens. DM will not talk about it.

Roll on to last year and we had a family funeral. DM (well mostly DF actually) eventually told us what had happened (violence) to cause he to leave and she was worried her siblings would be at the funeral (her parents already dead) and she did not want any contact.

At funeral DM's sibling introduced himself to me, i was polite but ended the conversation as quick as I could for DM's sake.

4 months later now and I get a message on FB from a lady who asks if i am DM's daughter and she thinks she's my cousin. I am assuming therefore she is this sibling's daughter. My name is quite unique and was printed on the order of service at the funeral which i guess is how she has found me.

i don't know what to do now.

DM is clear she wants no contact and will not talk about it all. She has said she is fine if i wanted to make contact (this was before the funeral) but i know she didn't mean it.

I'm torn as I have nothing against this girl, she and I had nothing to do with the situation with my DM and i admit i am curious. But at the same time i don't want to hurt my DM.

Any advice on how to move forward with this? I don't want to mention it to DM as i don't want to upset her but at the same time her reasons for being NC are not relevant to me and this girl.

Help?

OP posts:

Grannyannex · 02/01/2019 08:57

It’s ok to say to your DM ‘you’ll never guess who contacted me on FB? And then say you were worried about responding’

Withgraceinmyheart · 02/01/2019 08:58

I’m NC with my birth family due to violence and abuse. The thought of anyone from my family getting in touch with my DC is the stuff of nightmares. They’re all under 5 but I sometimes panic just thinking about when theyre older and have access Facebook (or whatever it is then).

Your mum has been through hell, and managed to somehow turn her life around. She sacrificed her family, her support network and her connection to her past to keep herself and her family safe. It’s not something you do lightly, believe me.

Your post reads very much like this sibling of your mums is trying to use you to get in back in your mums life and continue to abuse her through you. You having a relationship with anyone in her family will cause your mum a lot of stress and pain. She will be worried for you.

The thing to note here is that your mums sibling deliberately introduced themselves to you, knowing that your mum doesn’t want any contact. That shows that this person still has zero respect for your mum and her wishes and I still trying to control the situation and hurt her. I don’t know what this person did in the past, but this small, seemingly harmless action shows that they have not changed. It sounds like this person is manipulating you, and using your naïveté to settle old scores with your mum.

And now ‘randomly’ that persons child has got in touch with you. Except it isn’t random is it? You showed at the funeral that you were willing to engage and ‘be polite’ and that has been taken as encouragement to move things to the next level. They’ve sent their child to do this because they know it’s likely to be better received.

You said the reasons for your mum not seeing them are ‘nothing to do with you’. I don’t think that’s true. Violence and abuse don’t happen in a vacuum, they are part of a toxic, disfunctional family environment which is pertpetuated over generations. The person whose contacting you (as far as you know) still a part of that. They are part of a world in which violence and abuse are acceptable. They want you and your mum back in that world too.

Please, just don’t.

Respect your mum. Respect the terrible, frightening and lonely path she’s had to walk in getting herself and her family away from these people. Don’t give them a way back in.

Grannyannex · 02/01/2019 08:59

My first thought was for the cousin who might be going through similar to what your mum went through

Kahlua4me · 02/01/2019 08:59

Is there a possibility that your cousin could be in the same situation as your dm was all those years ago? If your dm stopped contact with her siblings because she thought they were too similar to their father perhaps your cousin is being hurt now too.

I think you could contact her via messenger or similar as it doesn’t have to continue or getting any closer than that.

Luvey · 02/01/2019 09:00

This is so sad. I feel sorry for your mum but at the same time it sounds like shes written off her siblings as a means to escape her dfs violence and her childhood trauma.

Who knows... perhaps the siblings did turn out like her df or who knows perhaps they've turned out to be wonderful people.

It sounds like your mum has never dealt with the previous trauma.
I can't help thinking though that whatever happened it must have been pretty horrific for her to still have such a strong stance about her birth family. Can you ask your dad if he can elaborate/explain it a bit more?

You've a tough dilema ahead x

Apple103 · 02/01/2019 09:01

Why on earth would you feel bad for keeping your distance from a stranger? That is all she is to you. You know this all would upset your DM greatly so what is there even to think about?
Unless you are desperate for a new family member then why would you risk hurting your mum.

Original poster

LookAtFrostyGo · 02/01/2019 09:02

implants and ohgrace thank you for sharing. It is very helpful to see from my DM's perspective, i hadn't considered it in the way and a lot of what you say ohgrace does make sense.

I was just trying to not cause a scene at the funeral, i can see how that may have accidently been more welcoming than i ment it to be.

Ok, so i think a message back saying that i'm sorry but i cant be in contact is the way to go.

I think i will tell my DF about the contact and see if he thinks i should mention it to DM at all.

OP posts:

SpikyHedgehogg · 02/01/2019 09:03

I'm in the minority here. I'd definitely respond, and with the intention/hope of meeting up.

bowchicawowwow · 02/01/2019 09:04

So your mum was no contact with her parents and siblings but still maintains some family ties through attending funerals etc? I think your cousin is probably just curious and things will fizzle out once you have exchanged a couple of emails. You could keep the correspondence very light touch, you don't have to be buxom buddies or go straight into examining the past.

Original poster

LookAtFrostyGo · 02/01/2019 09:05

luvey i'm not sure my DF knows too much of what went on while DM was a child, they met when DM was an early teen so he only saw the more public outbursts, in particular he was there at the very public 'tipping point' incident that made DM walk away. in some ways i'm not sure how accurate DM's memory would be, things tend to warp in your mind over time, especially when you had a strong reaction to them in teh first place.

OP posts:

UniversalAunt · 02/01/2019 09:06

@Withgraceinmyheart has nailed it.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 02/01/2019 09:06

I'd click block and just ignore it.

Original poster

LookAtFrostyGo · 02/01/2019 09:07

bowchica DM lived with another family member, she cut all contact with her parents and siblings but was still living within the family. These people were the only 'grandparents' and 'uncles' i knew growing up. my 'uncle' is still in touch with DM's sibling but again, i only found this out recently as he doesn't speak about it with DM around obviously.

OP posts:

Luvey · 02/01/2019 09:07

Well if you've a good relationship with your mum and she's gave you a good life, erhaps don't risk it if you know she'll be upset and stressed?

It's very sad.
Your poor mum

cookiecrumbles14 · 02/01/2019 09:08

I experienced something similar - a family member reached out to me and I was torn (for my own sake, not for anyone else's - I wanted to protect myself).

I wasn't sure if I wanted to respond / get to know that branch of the family given my history with an immediate member (sorry so vague, want to keep this short and sweet!). I'd assumed every member of that side of the family was the same as the family member I'd distanced myself from. What I found was that they had all experienced the same as me and rather than being my worst nightmare, they were incredibly supportive, provided me with more family history, expanded my family in happy ways.

My experience is to say not to jump to any conclusions - it sounds like your DM had a horrid time, and yes, these things can be generational and you're right to be wary, but also - this woman IS family. A stranger, but family. You won't lose anything by giving her a chance, but you could gain something xx

SpikyHedgehogg · 02/01/2019 09:08

"buxom buddies"

Original poster

LookAtFrostyGo · 02/01/2019 09:08

the funeral was of a connecting family member between the two if that makes sense.

OP posts:

ThatsNotNiceRoger · 02/01/2019 09:09

I don’t necessarily agree with a lot of posters on here. My DM is not in contact with some family yet my cousin and DB have recently got in contact and now have a great friendship. My DM has no issues with this because ultimately it has nothing to do with my DB or cousin.

Juells · 02/01/2019 09:13

I don't know why you'd bother. This is a stranger to you, and being in contact with her will bring up all sorts of bad feelings for your mother.

Just let the friend invite sit there, and ignore it. For all you know the cousin might just be being nosy, hoping to find out what caused the family rift. Something very very very serious must have happened for your mother to be NC for forty years. You know she was worried about that funeral and who she might meet, so respect her feelings even if you don't know exactly why she feels that way.

TSSDNCOP · 02/01/2019 09:13

Respect your mum. Respect the terrible, frightening and lonely path she’s had to walk in getting herself and her family away from these people. Don’t give them a way back in.

Very sensible advice.

My husbands family set-up is unconventional. My husband respects the boundaries but my SIL cannot help herself giving the whole thing a prod from time to time, despite it being crystal clear her overtures are unwelcome.

cantthinkofanythingwitty · 02/01/2019 09:13

My half siblings contacted me on fb. I responded, it was all an exercise to jist find out information about me and when they had it I never heard from them again.

Luckily I was not bothered in the slightest, just be aware that it may have made contact just to be nosey rather than a genuine interest in building a relationship

cantthinkofanythingwitty · 02/01/2019 09:14

They may have made contact*

YetAnotherSpartacus · 02/01/2019 09:14

There's a whole family history that you are being denied - including of potential genetic issues, etc. Why not ask her outright why she is getting in touch and what she knows of your Mother's particular history?

MiniCooperLover · 02/01/2019 09:15

It's a little sad OP that you seem to be trying to justify the possibility of contact by now doubting how true your DM's memories are. Please don't doubt her. She clearly went through a terrible time. Please respect your DM.

Josiebloggs · 02/01/2019 09:20

I'd be concerned the aunt was using her daughter to try and manipulate you into some kind of contact. What is the best possible thing that could happen if you replied? You could maybe have a friendship with a cousin? Im not sure thats worth the upset it will cause your mum.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6