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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex In Laws and how to be fair to DD

140 replies

MsLucyLastic · 01/01/2019 19:25

My Ex and I recently divorced. We are still best of friends, see each other and our DD as family, and our new partners are on board with this too. So far so good.

My family still view ExH as family and we all had Xmas together, along with my ex MIL who accepted the invitation post our divorce.

It is exMILs birthday on Friday. I am not invited. As I am not "family" any more. They have said they only want to see DD with my ex.

Which is fine. I cannot demand an invitation and, just because ex and I have said we would love to be treated as a family still, for DDs benefit so she doesn't have to choose who to be with, doesn't mean that others have to respect our stance on this.

However, my in Laws do expect to be invited to anything my DD is involved with, regardless of whether DD is with me or ex on that day. I don't see how this can work re inviting them to.school things for DD in the week. Obviously I will be there. Apparently they still expect me to invite them.

AIBU to feel confused as to.what they expect and not know what the fair thing to do is anymore?

OP posts:

user139328237 · 01/01/2019 19:29

Presumably they want to continue to treat you as family when the event is for your daughters benefit but not when the event is for someone else in the family. It's not a particularly strange viewpoint and while it's tough to start with it isn't really practicle to continue to be treated as family long term.

Idontmeanto · 01/01/2019 19:29

Great they want to be involved, but ex now has responsibility for keeping them up to date with her schedule. Any, “we didn’t know she had a netball match/sharing assembly/awards night” is his problem.

starfishmummy · 01/01/2019 19:30

It does seem like they can't make up their minds! But it's all very new for you all and maybe things will sort themselves out in time?

Escolar · 01/01/2019 19:32

I'd leave this entirely in your ex's hands if I were you. His responsibility to invite them to any of DD's events, not yours.

PotteringAlong · 01/01/2019 19:34

I have said we would love to be treated as a family still, for DDs benefit

But it’s your MiL’s birthday party. If it was your daughters you might have a point but it isn’t.

TeddybearBaby · 01/01/2019 19:37

Sounds too much to me tbh. Very confusing set up you’re going for, where you are treated like family but aren’t. Great to be amicable but I think the child needs clearer boundaries. Things happening at the school aren’t your things really are they? If it was your birthday, I wouldn’t expect you to invite your ex in-laws cos you’re not married to their son any more 🤷🏻‍♀️

trojanpony · 01/01/2019 19:38

I think you need to just contact them and point this out.
I’d explain that you are fairly easy going as to which one it is but they either want to be friendly/inclusive about it or they don’t.

jessstan2 · 01/01/2019 19:39

Just let it go op, it sounds like your arrangement is pretty good as it is, don't make it more complicated.

I understand your feelings.

Barbie222 · 01/01/2019 19:43

In the nicest possible way, it sounds like they want a bit of space from you so that they can develop a relationship between your ex, his daughter and his new partner which has probably been a bit shackled by the arrangements so far. I honestly think that these sorts of arrangements where everyone promises to be the best of friends forever make it very difficult for anyone to move on. Their arrangement prioritises their granddaughter as it should, plus it lets you know subtly that they are ready to take a step forward now.

Firesuit · 01/01/2019 19:44

Their relationship with GD is more important than theirs with you. If they and she are going to be together on on important days in the lives of either, it doesn't follow that they and you should.

Original poster

MsLucyLastic · 01/01/2019 19:48

Just to be clear, I totally respect their lack of invitation to my exMILs birthday. Sad that they only want to see DD with ex, but totally their right.

I am confused as to how they plan on attending things during the week if it will be me there and not ex? Which will be the case 99% of the time as he works and I don't.

I can't get my head around wanting to he invited yet not wanting to see me. Do they expect me not to go?

Whichever PP mentioned DDs boundaries. She hasn't been confused yet. She knows she has a huge family who love her and some are linked by blood and some by love alone. But that she is loved by all. She has a great routine and sees us all getting on well. It is just In laws who have now added confusion.

OP posts:

lalalalyra · 01/01/2019 19:52

I can't get my head around wanting to he invited yet not wanting to see me. Do they expect me not to go?

I think you are over thinking it.

Parties, weddings etc on his side she goes with ex without you. Parties, weddings etc on your side she goes with you without ex.

Parties, assemblies, sports days that you would normally go together and with them then you all still go. If he can't it's up to them if they choose to go without him or not.

TeddybearBaby · 01/01/2019 19:55

Your daughter is family with you and family with her dad and she is loved by all but you and your ex have now moved on to new partners and and are no longer family. She is all of your priorities which is great. I still think your arrangement at the moment is too much and not healthy. Just my opinion! No right or wrong.

During the week they will see you because they are supporting their gd and you’re the one that happens to be there. They’re not trying to be unkind / avoid you. They’re just moving on with their family and friends in a natural way. That’s how I’m seeing it. Obvs no one really knows apart from them.

Gizlotsmum · 01/01/2019 19:59

I think they are not so much not wanting to see you but they are holding a family event and in their eyes you are no longer family.

For school things they will be there for your dd who is their family. The fact that you will be there doesn’t change anything as they are not trying to not see you they just aren’t inviting you to their family events

picklemebaubles · 01/01/2019 20:02

It's not about you, or who else will be there, it's about DD. You're not seeing her as fully separate from you, but they are.

They want to see her when they usually would. Whether you are there or not isn't relevant.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/01/2019 20:04

They expect you to invite them. Therefore they expect to stay in contact with you, surely? I can see why you think it is a bit rude to go to Christmas then not invite you to the mils birthday. But don’t overthink it. Everyone is deciding how to play this right now and it looks as though your ex’s family want contact only when it is about your dd. So no more Xmas invites imo as it doesn’t sound as though these will be reciprocated in ways you’d like.

Lindtnotlint · 01/01/2019 20:05

I don’t think they are being unreasonable here...

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 01/01/2019 20:08

I guess the equivalent would be your DM's birthday party- she would invite you and your new partner and dd but why would she invite your ex, and if she invited your ex should she then invite his new partner as you have your new partner? Then what about if they have another child? An invite for three becomes for five, six etc. When do the invites stop? When you have been apart a year? Two years? Five years? Plan something nice to do instead.

I agree though that school events are now your ex's responsibility to plan for and inform them. Make sure he gets the emails. It sounds as if you can be polite to them when you see them so it shouldn't be an issue.

FuckingYuleLog · 01/01/2019 20:11

What school things would they be going to? Plays, sports days that kind of thing?
I can quite see why they’d be happy to go and see your dd in something at school you are present at but your mil not want you at her b’day party. They are different things. They couldn’t really expect you to miss out on seeing your own dd at school things but they can see dd without you at a family party.
Seems like you want to justify making them miss out on school events as revenge for them not inviting you tbh.

Original poster

MsLucyLastic · 01/01/2019 20:11

Ah I think therein lies the issue. To be quite honest, my ex doesn't have much time for his family and is much closer to mine. Because they are very religious but hypocritical with it.

So he has always been closer to my family. My mum views his as a son and that won't change. They adore each other. Which works a.treat as ex and I love each other as brother and sister.

My new DP and ex also adore each other and have a great laugh together. And my family adore new DP.

So ex will always be invited to "my" family things as they are now his family too.

Yep that is weird and unusual but good for DD. If it drops off over time, then so be it.

OP posts:

TheBigBangRocks · 01/01/2019 20:12

For family events, it's only right they will want just your DD and her dad there. School events aren't your events, they are open to family and they are your DDs family.

FuckingYuleLog · 01/01/2019 20:18

If your mum likes your ex a lot and wants to invite him to things that’s up to her. Your mil obviously doesn’t feel the same about you which is her right.
Seems like she will tolerate you if she gets to see her gd basically but isn’t going to invite you when her dad is there and you don’t have to be.
I think it’s disingenuous to claim to be confused. If your ils still expect to be invited to things when your dd is in your care then they obviously don’t have a problem with it. It honestly just seems like you want support for excluding them from things as tit for tat which wouldn’t be in your dds best interest if she has a good relationship with them.
If I’m wrong then can you clarify what exactly you’re confused about?

MumW · 01/01/2019 20:22

I guess that you might invite ex to your birthday bash as you all get along but wouldn't invite exPIL.

HugeAckmansWife · 01/01/2019 20:22

So I worked really bloody hard to keep good relations with ex in laws. Their twat of a son has lied about me and done all sorts but I have mostly managed to stay on good terms. There has been no problem with them coming to school events, kids birthday events etc where I am there and ex isn't but I wouldn't be expected to get an invite to one of their birthday events. That would be up to ex to take the kids. They actually do still send me birthday cards / gifts but as ex is now married to a fairly insecure ow they are understandably in a difficult position. It's lovely that you and your ex are 'best of friends' but your relationship with the in laws is now about your DD, not you. They don't expect not to see you at her school events, they don't dislike you, I'm guessing, but your 'place' has changed and if your ex can take her to his family event then there's no real place for you there unless it's specifically about DD.

Gth1234 · 01/01/2019 20:26

your ex-inlaws, and your ex-husband ought not expect to be invited to your family dos, and you ought to make sure they don't get invited.

It makes it sound like you regret your decision.

IMHO

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