Ex In Laws and how to be fair to DD

[MsLucyLastic]

My Ex and I recently divorced. We are still best of friends, see each other and our DD as family, and our new partners are on board with this too. So far so good.

My family still view ExH as family and we all had Xmas together, along with my ex MIL who accepted the invitation post our divorce.

It is exMILs birthday on Friday. I am not invited. As I am not "family" any more. They have said they only want to see DD with my ex.

Which is fine. I cannot demand an invitation and, just because ex and I have said we would love to be treated as a family still, for DDs benefit so she doesn't have to choose who to be with, doesn't mean that others have to respect our stance on this.

However, my in Laws do expect to be invited to anything my DD is involved with, regardless of whether DD is with me or ex on that day. I don't see how this can work re inviting them to.school things for DD in the week. Obviously I will be there. Apparently they still expect me to invite them.

AIBU to feel confused as to.what they expect and not know what the fair thing to do is anymore?

FuckingYuleLog......you mean I should get rid of the minibus? 😂😂😂

I'm giving my in laws no more headspace. "Petty and entitled", as a PP said, just about sums them up.

I will continue to invite them to all DD's stuff, but I really cannot be bothered now to engage with them much beyond that. They have upset me, my family, my exH, our friends.....and I am now very glad they don't see me as family. It means I, and my parents, have no obligation to invite them to anything.

Amen! I'm glad you've come to this realisation.

I suspect some people on this thread are either jealous of your amicable split or feel similarly entitled like your ex-MIL.

Would love to know how ex-MIL responds to lack of invitations 😂

I think you must be confusing the life out of everyone OP-hence the mixed messages you are getting.
You are full of a desire to put your child first. To be honest, were that the case you would have remained married to the man you describe as perfect in all ways. Your desire to leave him was about sex and certainly had nothing to do with putting your child first.

Having made that decision, you are now trying to limit the damage by pretending all is the same except what happens in the bedroom. I wonder how much time has passed in all of this? The divorce sounds relatively recent and yet your daughter is already "loved" by these two new people.

@Skunkatanka ah ok. So the fact that my ex lost desire desire for me first and also wanted a divorce should be ignored? Its all down to me and lack of sexual.deaire is it?

Funnily enough, my DD is happier since the split. Which we went through to put her first.

I cannot imagine how crap some poster's lives must be if they struggle so hard to have loving feelings.towards others.

@skunkatanka - also, your post drips with bitterness. Is it intended to? If you find a simply described situation confusing, I am afraid I can't help that.

I am intrigued to find that mine and ex's split was just about sex. And even if it was, that is fine and I certainly wouldn't be trying to justify it. As it happens, there were other reasons.too, that I have omitted for the sake of anonymity.

@Consolidateyourloins - thank you! I imagine you will hear my in law's response......wherever you are!

It was you that said it was about physical attraction OP. You have described your ex in nothing but glowing terms. Relationships always change with time- it sounds like the rush of romance was gone and so you both decided to move on. This WILL be at the expense of your child- whatever you do now to mitigate the situation.
You didn't answer my question about how long ago you split up. As I said, it sounds like you are very much working it all out and deciding how to co parent, and yet there are two new partners on the scene for your child to get used to.

How long have you been divorced? This all sounds rather new so maybe they are trying to get their heads around all of this still.

@Skunkatanka I described my ex in glowing terms because he is a lovely man and a great dad. We had been together for 15 years, so the rosy glow had long worn off. That wasn't it at all. We realised a couple of years ago that our marriage was over....that we are like siblings together, nothing more. We tried to make it work, but couldn't.

We have both changed as people and what we want out of life. There is nothing wrong with either of us, but we aren't compatible as as married couple now, due to those differences, and due to attraction totally dying on both sides.

I wouldn't have married him if he wasn't fabulous. He still is. But not in a way that is right for me and vice versa. We want our DD to grow up seeing adult relationships where the couple love and adore each other, are affectionate to each other. She would not have got that with me and Ex. All physical displays of togetherness, even holding hands, had gone. We decided that we could end up disliking each other if we didn't accept that we weren't right to be married anymore. And wanted to be able to coparent well, and maintain the love and affection we do have. So we split. For our DD and also for each other.

He moved out months ago. My DP is an old friend who we have all known for years, though we didnt become romantically involved until a few months ago, when my DD said she was ready for me and her dad to date again. DP.and DD really adore each other and have such a good relationship.

I didn't write all this initially, as it felt too intimate to share with strangers online. But I guess if I am going to not be taken at my word, then I need to explain further to verify what I have already said.

@Rachelle3211 we split ages ago and ex moved to his own place months ago.

So months, not years, and yet the new partners "love" your daughter. Honestly, OP I think you need to slow down a bit. Establish the co parenting relationship properly and give your daughter longer than a few months to come to terms with it before you're both in other relationships- particularly given the blurry lines you've drawn and seem desperate to maintain between the past and the future.

@skunkatanka - did you miss the bit where I said that DP had been our friend for years? He didn't ask me out until she was ready. Likewise with ExH's new DP.

I don't get how the lines are blurry? DD is with me Sun-Thurs and with ex Fri and Sat.

I am happy to include Ex and his new partner in family events. I will get ex to ask his family to all things relating to DD. But they now won't get invited to family events that aren't for DD.

DD will spend time with ex and his DP and her family, as well as his own, and with my DP's family too.

In all seriousness, what further lines do you think need to be drawn?

Oh and Ex and I were separated for 5 months before my new DP asked me out.

You sound totally fine, MsLucyLastic. Carry on doing what you are doing. It is clearly working for you. And don't give your ex-in-laws any headspace at all. They are now no longer your problem. It's up to your ex how he deals with them and up to him to let them know about school events etc.

*@Epanoui@ thank you