Ex In Laws and how to be fair to DD

[MsLucyLastic]

My Ex and I recently divorced. We are still best of friends, see each other and our DD as family, and our new partners are on board with this too. So far so good.

My family still view ExH as family and we all had Xmas together, along with my ex MIL who accepted the invitation post our divorce.

It is exMILs birthday on Friday. I am not invited. As I am not "family" any more. They have said they only want to see DD with my ex.

Which is fine. I cannot demand an invitation and, just because ex and I have said we would love to be treated as a family still, for DDs benefit so she doesn't have to choose who to be with, doesn't mean that others have to respect our stance on this.

However, my in Laws do expect to be invited to anything my DD is involved with, regardless of whether DD is with me or ex on that day. I don't see how this can work re inviting them to.school things for DD in the week. Obviously I will be there. Apparently they still expect me to invite them.

AIBU to feel confused as to.what they expect and not know what the fair thing to do is anymore?

Events that are important to everyone e.g. DD’s birthday, Christmas, school events everyone goes to, subject to tickets blah blah

But it's unlikely MIL will invite OP to Christmas at hers when she's hosting ex and dd. That's fine, unless she accepts she can't expect to be invited to Christmas at OP or her mum's.

*as long as she accepts

I don’t think the pil are being frosty. It would be very unusual for pil to invite an ex wife to a family do when their son has a new partner. They would have to be very friendly to maintain that kind of relationship which clearly isn’t the case. The op isn’t part of their family anymore - only her dd. They may be happy to spend time with her if necessary when seeing their gd but they have no need to if she’s in the care of her dad.
We have no idea how the new partner feels about the whole thing either. They may be pretending to be ok about it but likely the ils are closer to her now.

it sounds like you want things to carry on as if you and ex are still married but without the sex. But by divorcing you are in a very different position. What happens when your ex goes to his new partners parents for Christmas? Where will DD be then? Are you expecting invites there?

As you are now divorced you need to make it clear you are now separate from your DH you are not part of the same family. If you all get on so we’ll not sure why you’re divorced.

Once you make it clear you are very separate from Ex albeit you all still get on all the decisions will fall into place more easily.

I don't feel she should suffer or feel awkward for one second due to her pils frosty behaviour.

I know we all take different things from the same threads, but I don't see that the OP's ex-ILs have been frosty towards her. She hasn't said that they were 'off' with her at Christmas (or any other time); they just haven't invited her to the ex-MILs birthday party.

I think it's great that the OP and her ex are maintaining such a great relationship, but I just don't see where the alleged confusion is. The ex-ILs don't see her (rightly or wrongly) as part of their family anymore but they obviously want to keep a close relationship with their GD, hence asking to be invited to school events. Nowhere has the OP said that the ex-ILs have suggested she shouldn't go.

Ok to clear things up re where the confusion is, because I am not being disingenuous:

I am sad but totally accept that the in laws dont see me as family any.more. Because I am not, but DD always will be, obviously.

Huge drip feed (sorry, I deserve a kicking for missing this out but I was trying to deal with the future not focus on the past):

Ex MIL and ex SIL had a shitfit that my family arranged theatre tickets this Xmas for the whole family including exH, but didn't invite the in laws.

They had a shitfit when my parents invited my ex for a birthday meal. My parents invited his mum as a nice gesture of harmony, but then my SIL was really cross at not being invited.

This is why I am.confused. They are demanding and getting cross at not being invited to everything my family does, when it isn't even stuff for DD. So if they don't see me or my family.as "family" anymore, that is fine, but I don't understand why they still.expect to be invited to things that aren't for DD.

Really sorry all, I am a.fuckwit and should have put that in the OP.

I understand their moving on stance, I don't understand their double standards.

I don't understand my exMIL ringing.my.mum and asking for a.lift to a school thing for DD. It feels like it is all on their terms.

All I give a shit about is my DD and maintaining a good relationship with my ex. For those who questioned why we split if we get on so well, would it have been better to wait until we were tearing lumps off each other and unable to.parent effectively? We split because we love each other but not in a.sexual.way.

oh, and ex in laws have told my ex that they only want to see DD when he is there. Which won't be the case when DD has school things on. So it seemed weird.

I just want DD to have loads of people who love her. And I don't want any bad feeling. It would feel wrong for them.not.to.come to her school stuff just because Ex isn't there. Yet they are saying they only want to see her with him.

Leave the school stuff to them and up to them to negotiate. You do your thing and if they are there then they are there. I wouldn't go out of my way to invite them to other events, it is a bit weird being expected to be invited to the theatre etc. I would bat it back into exh territory though, let him explain to them why it is unreasonable to expect invites to everything. I think that holds even if you were still together.

fwiw, I just can't believe you and your ex, and new partners are all going on holiday together.

Why? We get on brilliantly.together. DD loves being with us all and we spend the time together laughing and having fun. Why would we not enjoy spending time.together?

All sounds a bit batshit. My in-laws don't get invited to stuff with DH, DS and my family and we're still together!

Have DD do things with your family and include EDH if you want but just accept the invite won't be reciprocated. As for school stuff, her dad can tell them what's on, when and who'll be there. If they don't want to go if he's not there, then it's their loss!

Hmm - I think there is a difference between being at "key" events and making demands to be involved in everything.

In the same way that you will miss out on some things that your DD attends (eg MIL's birthday) because family dynamics have changed, the "outlaws" will have to accept that they will miss out on some things too (eg the theatre tickets).

I think it's great that you are accommodating each other's families as much as you are, and I think it is perfectly fair that you don't become dictated to. You and the ex seem perfectly willing and capable to decide which of your daughter's events invitations should be extended to.

If there is any bad feeling I think that's coming from your confused boundaries.

You are divorced you can't carry on as before.
The ex inlaws aren't your family they're your dds family.

I wonder what both new partners make of all this as surely they can't both feel totally comfortable with it, it's messed up!

I have so far invited my in.laws to all DDs things, because it is the right thing to do.

The only thing I personally feel hurt by is my MIL taking up my family's invitation for Xmas, and their goodwill, whilst she knew what her stance towards my family.is.
But all these things involved dd, if dd has a play/party etc then carry on as a blended family.
But say you had a party, no dd invited would you still invite your ex mil?

What's going to happen if you and your ex marry your new partners? Are all the step grandparents going to get involved too?

@Zevitevitchofcwsmas Ex is gutted about their stance. Is calling them hypocrites, and is furious that if they don't want to see me as family anymore, they then have no right to demand invitations to things that aren't specifically arranged for DD. He hasn't spoken to them.all.New Year and spent it with my family, as he is raging at his own. He is hurt on mine and my.family's behalf re the double standards.

You should read this:

www.amazon.co.uk/Adults-family-dysfunctional-yours-Christmas/dp/1409178315/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&keywords=the+adults&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1546384483&sr=1-1

Your new partners may not be as happy with all this as you would like to think they are.

@purplelila2 - our new partnera are totally on board re.DD as they know there is no romantic love between ex and I. But that we get on excellently now we aren't married and are a fab parenting team.

Why is it wrong for us all.to get on and put DD first? DD now has four grown ups that love her instead of two. Is that not a good thing? Our new DPs totally get it and we have a whale of a time.together. yet that is batshit? Why?

Are you saying it would be healthier for my DD of her 4 adult parenting team.didn't get on? How?

Ok right you need to just separate things out a bit here. Grandparents don't go to or get invited to absolutely everything irrespective of whether parents are together bor separated, they just don't.

So for example:
General school stuff - no invite necessary

School panto/play- ex can let them know it's on, cost of tickets, keep it casual, you'll be there too but it's up to ex to invite. You can all go, doesn't need to be besties on tour but if you run in to each other then be pleasant as always

Dd's birthday party - all invited

Your birthday/new partner/mother's/father's birthday - absolutely no need to invite them just ex if you would like

One of their birthdays - ex and dd get invited and you do not

You miss out on absolutely nothing or step aside for nothing to do with dd so they go alone.

Christmas I would separate from them. Not ex, I think it's lovely you can all do it together but you can come together with ex/new partners/dd for the morning/dinner and then go to your own families in the afternoon or whatever way you want to sort it out but no need for in-laws to be there with your family for stuff like that.

Maybe ops g. Paltrow? She's holidaying with her ex Chris Martin and his partner and her new hubby.

Same as that kardashian woman

Op if their own son is disgusted.. Perhaps draw back here and don't let them dictate anything. There's no reason for them to be invited to any school stuff anyway

@Returnofthesmileybar thank you. That is actually really helpful and pretty much as I thought.

For Xmas next year, me and DP, Ex and his DP will spend the morning together at one of our houses, then I think DD is going with ex to either his family or his new DP's family. Fine with me. It will reverse the year after. We thought that sounded fair?

I am happy to invite in laws to all.DD's stuff. Birthdays etc.

Other family events I will.invite ex and his new DP to (she doesn't have kids and doesn't want any).

Prior to all this hoohaa, I would have invited ex, his DP and exMIL to all family occasions on my side too (the invitation this past Xmas came from me). And my new DP's lot too.

Now I won't invite ex MIL as I don't want to overstep her boundaries. I am fine with not going to exIL's family stuff. We aren't family.any more.

I just hope.my ex SIL and ex MIL.stop demanding an invitation to things on my family's side which aren't based around DD.

Am I at least right that that is double standards? It feels like it is.

It seems your lack of party invitation was in retaliation for them not being invited to things by your family. They have no right to be invited to things and neither do you. I realise you say you were fine with not being invited but you clearly took it as a snub.
It’s great if you and your ex get on but expecting to do things as a big extended unit now is a bit much imo and causing problems.
I’m still not sure how you can say that the in laws both expect to be invited to stuff with you and have attended it but will only see dd when he is there. Both things can’t be true.

@Zevitevitchofcwsmas ha, not GP but I would mind being a few quid behind her!

Ex is disgusted at what he perceives too to be double standards. He is also.pissed off as his family contacted some mutual friends.of ours to discuss our split and say that we need to spend less time together.

He was incandescent when he specifically told.his family that we would spend Xmas day and Boxing day together this year, to minimise disruption to our DD. His MIL and SIL.then invited him for boxing day and were annoyed when ex declined, as I wasn't invited. Apparently it is weird to.invite exinlaws for Xmas (fine) yet ex MIL still fully intended to spend Xmas day with my family as "that is different, she is the grandmother". My ex pointing out that DD wanted her mum and dad there was "not the point" apparently.

@FuckingYuleLog: I’m still not sure how you can say that the in laws both expect to be invited to stuff with you and have attended it but will only see dd when he is there. Both things can’t be true.

Quite! That's why I am confused! They seemed happy to spend Xmas day with me but said to ex a few days before that they only want to see DD with him.from now on.
Then happily came and ate and drank with us on Xmas day.

It makes no sense. That is why I am confused! It is '"weird" to do things with ex ILs yet they have a shitfit when I don't invite them to all my family's things.

I truly no longer care which stance they want to take.....invite or not. Weird or not. But I am "being petty" when I don't invite my ex MIL to a family thing my mum.has arranged (nothing to do with DD), yet they find it inappropriate to.invite my family to things which aren't centred around DD.

The school thing I will.leave to ex to.sort and will be smiley and lovely.with them if They turn up. That's best for DD.

I just wish they would decide what the fuck they want the rest of the time as it isn't consistent.

I think it's lovely you guys, new partners included, can be so adult about everything and all get along, it's refreshing!

You have the right idea, if it involves dd great, if not no invite necessary. But just step back anyway and let ex handle them, he sounds like he will so let them throw their toys out of their pram if they aren't invited.

It's not petty to not invite them to things that don't involve dd, nobody opens their home, extends invitations and hospitality to people when it's clear that it's never going to be reciprocated. And mil is not unreasonable either to not want to continue to see you as part of her family, that's absolutely fine. The unreasonable part is her accepting your hospitality but never extending back. So the obvious thing is dd is the common ground and otherwise you just keep it to you/ex/your family.

@Returnofthesmileybar thank you, that means a lot and makes total sense.