Ex In Laws and how to be fair to DD

[MsLucyLastic]

My Ex and I recently divorced. We are still best of friends, see each other and our DD as family, and our new partners are on board with this too. So far so good.

My family still view ExH as family and we all had Xmas together, along with my ex MIL who accepted the invitation post our divorce.

It is exMILs birthday on Friday. I am not invited. As I am not "family" any more. They have said they only want to see DD with my ex.

Which is fine. I cannot demand an invitation and, just because ex and I have said we would love to be treated as a family still, for DDs benefit so she doesn't have to choose who to be with, doesn't mean that others have to respect our stance on this.

However, my in Laws do expect to be invited to anything my DD is involved with, regardless of whether DD is with me or ex on that day. I don't see how this can work re inviting them to.school things for DD in the week. Obviously I will be there. Apparently they still expect me to invite them.

AIBU to feel confused as to.what they expect and not know what the fair thing to do is anymore?

Its fantastic thst you all get on so well. I have similar situation with my ex. We have been on holiday together with and without our new partners. She is coming to my wedding with her partner this year. My family are very friendly towards her. Her family blank me if they see me in town, even when im with my children (their grandchildren).

I agree with previous posters- dont invite them to anything except school events. They'll get over it.

@Eviecee thank you. It is nice to know that other exes get on well with their new partners.

It seems to really flummox people. I sometimes think others would rather that we didn't like each other, just so we fit into their world view of how exes "should" behave.

I cannot fathom why this would be better for DD.

It's great that you get on. Your latest updates change the situation- they are being unreasonable! Let ex handle them. No need to invite them to anything, then. He can invite them when it's appropriate.

As for your plans for next Christmas, they sound great!

It's quite simple, they want to be invited to your daughter stuff because they are her family....they want your daughter but not you invited to their stuff because your daughter is a blood relative and you are an ex plus it would be weird because you have a partner

Basically they are coming to your daughter's stuff for your daughter, and the invitations to their stuff is for your daughter...how hard is it to grasp that?..

You have a partner, why would.you even want to.go to their stuff and pretend to be family with an ex in-laws...that would be weird for them and weird for your partner...

It sounds like the in-laws want everything on their terms , irrespective of benefits to your daughter. The attitude towards family events seems to be that what’s yours is theirs, what’s theirs is their own, which goes against the inclusive approach that you and your ex have tried to foster.

If they are insistent on only seeing DD without you, then it isn’t down to you to organise their attendance at her events. In your shoes I would make sure that your ex is aware of dates and ticketing arrangements for all of DD’s events, and let him organise attendance with his family.

It might not be what you want to hear OP - and I understand how painful these severing of ties is - you must feel it very painfully as you have done your best to keep being inclusive. BUT - I agree with others that this seems natural to me.

You are the primary carer so they are asking if you can include them in events that are about your daughter. They aren't asking to come to your personal events and parties.

They are then redrawing boundaries around their own family events - that hurts for you - but I think it could be worth considering the value of doing this. It might be better for you to give this space over to your in laws - let them build a life with their son and granddaughter that doesn't always have to include you.

I think it's setting a difficult precedent if you always want to be at their 'family' events.

Why not try it for a while and try to see the benefits? You might one day want to move on and hve your own life and new partner and not want to always have to attend their events also.

As a child of divorced parents I do think boundaries need to be very clear for children - they need to get it that things are over and different now.

It's great that you get on - I hope that continues for you -but it is healthy to let there be space and change.

Just to add - I don't think you need to go out of your way in including them either when it's your time. But that also gives you a freedom ? You can set the boundaries ay way you like but try to put your daughter first and think what will work long term.

@SuchAToDo - all that sounds perfectly reasonable..........so how do their hissy fits about not being invited to my family (none DD things) fit in to your point?

I have said that I have zero problem not being invited. I get it! It is the double standards that I have an issue with.

@SuchAToDo

It's quite simple, they want to be invited to your daughter stuff because they are her family....they want your daughter but not you invited to their stuff because your daughter is a blood relative and you are an ex plus it would be weird because you have a partner

Hahaha, no, it doesn't work that way. They don't want OP in their house? Fine. But they expect to be invited to OP's house or her DM's house? No. Hell no. They want OP to facilitate their contact at school? Again, hell no. That's for their son to facilitate. It's more wifework bulshit.

Basically they are coming to your daughter's stuff for your daughter, and the invitations to their stuff is for your daughter...how hard is it to grasp that?..

How convenient for them. Society does not work that way!

The other thing is that in MIL's preferred way, MIL and SIL will ALWAYS be at your dd's events and your parents will not as MIl won't invite you and your parents. Maybe DD wants some quality time with her maternal grandparents without MIL and SIL there. It's really selfish of your MIL and SIL, don't entertain this shit.

OP, they're not just hypocrites in religion, they're hypocrites in many ways

@PickMeBaubles - thank you. It truly is only the double standards that I am pissed off about. The not being family is normal, albeit sad.

@Waterrat - to be honest, given that ex In Law events were always low on the fun quotient, it was more the principle than the reality of going anyway.

I keep remembering other things which I wish I had mentionned earlier. My ex MIL phoning my mum and saying that she hoped they could still be family and invite each other to things. My ex SIL apparently was sat on my DM's sofa for two hours a couple of weeks ago, saying she wanted us all to still be family.

So my surprise at their change of attitude hasn't come from nothing. It has come.from them doing an about turn for their events, but expecting full inclusion with my family etc.

If they had maintained one stance or the other, it would have been fine. But the double standards, and almost two facedness, is what is confusing.

@Consolidateyourloins - it is the hypocrisy that is what has caused hurt and confusion to be honest.

I know that if I arrange an event for DD they will expect an invitation as her family. If they arrange something for DD, they wouldn't invite me despite being DD wanting me there and being DD's mum.

I won't have DD torn or upset. She is bright and WILL realise if one of the two lots of people involved is unfair to the other.

Luckily, exH is adamant that the first time DD gets upset at my exclusion from something they arrange for DD, is the last time he facilitates such things with them.

This very much reminds me of how things were for my DSis's DH when they got together. Her DH's ex used to spend Christmas Day with him and their DS, and his ex MIL had a key to their house. (His ex had left their DS with him because she couldn't cope hence the ex MIL having a key. Ex MIL also had very conservative Christian views about divorce, didn't recognise it!). My DSis found it all too much about the key to the house understandably, so that was stopped and they moved house shortly afterwards.

Ex MIL still has involvement in their lives as my DSis's DSS's DGM (she's come to terms with the divorce now) and DSis's own DC call her Granny (Name).

DBIL's ex meanwhile found a new partner, moved away and has 2 more DC. It made the whole set up easier. DSS continued to live with his dad (DSis was his primary carer for some years), and went to his mum EOW.

The relationship with his ex has always been amicable (she and DSis are Facebook friends), though they have had their moments.

The point really is that things can't really stay the same in relation to your ex's family. I suspect it's become difficult precisely because it is confusing! Some boundaries do need to be drawn. It's lovely that you do get on so well with each other's new partners, but what happens if/when one of you gets together with a new partner?

Luckily, exH is adamant that the first time DD gets upset at my exclusion from something they arrange for DD, is the last time he facilitates such things with them.

That's great, but I would also take it further - the first time time they don't invite you or your family to an event for DD is the last chance - you shouldn't invite them to an event either.

Of course there may be some exceptions, i.e. if you and ex have a family birthday party together for dd then you would invite them all.

”So does it sound fair if I invite everyone to DD's things (which I always have and will do)? And if they have a problem with seeing me there, would it be kind to not go to some things to cater to them? That I am confused about! I obviously want to see my DDs stuff, but should I sometimes dip out if they don't want me there?”

Don’t miss out on things. Why would you? Also don’t be the one who invites them. Your ex should do that. If there’s a school play or whatever, and there is capacity for grandparents to attend, he can and should be the one to tell them. They can then decide whether to go or not.

@Inertia thank you. That's how it feels to me too. Ex is very good at sorting school events and is in total agreement that he will arrange them with his family.

He also said his mum can stop asking me and my mum for lifts to the school things. She drives but worries she won't be able to park her car (there are ALWAYS spaces) so expects me or my mum to take her. It feels really cheeky for her to expect us to.facilitate this now.

Is that unfair?

I would say its your ex in-laws who are struggling with your amicable split, I would say they think you should both be bitter and can’t stand to be in each others company, but the fact that you both obviously still love, care and respect each other is probably hard for them to understand.

I think its really refreshing that the both of you not only want what is best for your dd to grow and be surrounded by love kindness and compassion what ever the circumstances, she one lucky little lady to have such great parents, and maybe in time the ex in-laws will come to understand that you still wish to be seen as a family unit regardless of the fact you are no longer married to each other.

It feels really cheeky for her to expect us to.facilitate this now.

Is that unfair?

No, it's definitely cheeky and no, you're not being unfair to say no.

Your ex sounds fab, too bad he's taken

Of course it's not fair for MIL to expect lifts.

She has told you to detach yourself from her and her family- as a previous poster said, that isn't your wifework anymore.

She needs to start making arrangements with your ex. Every time she tries to land the wifework on you, you could respond with something about her needing to make plans directly with Ex as it wouldn't be right for you to override his arrangements with his own family. Just keep deflecting back to Ex and let him handle things- sounds like he's pretty on the ball anyway.

@Consolidateyourloins I shall let you know if they split up! He is fab.....kind, trustworthy, loyal, funny, intelligent, solvent, good looking, great dad. Perfect husband material........for someone that isn't me!

We just don't fancy each other any more. Sad but true. Felt like kissing a brother towards the end. The relief when we admitted that to each other was immense

@eggsandwich thank you. That is such a lovely message.

@Inertia that is a good plan. I shall do that. He is pretty on the ball now. It did take 15 years of training though

But it’s not confusing. They have been happy to attend things you have been present at and they have attended. If you think it is in the best interest of your dd then invite them to things and they can come or not. I suspect they will as they have in the past. I wouldn’t bother inviting them to your families birthday celebrations other than your dds but that’s up to you.
And it’s up to them who they invite to things. I would only complain if they were leaving your dd out. She doesn’t need accompanying everywhere by her mother when she has her dad there.
You’re over complicating stuff imo.

MIL/SIL are probably completely confused over the situation and perhaps they're trying to draw some - what many people would see as - "normal" boundaries. However, they are displaying double standards and you must admit the waters are very muddy!

I too think your attitude and that of your ex and your respective DPs is very refreshing and I hope it continues to work for you all.

If it were me, I would:

1. Between you and ex, let your MIL have a calendar of school events that she's likely to want to attend. She can make her own arrangements to go with your ex - including getting there. Make it clear that if you want to and can be there, you will be there.

2. By all means invite her for DD's birthday, say. (And you and ex should make it clear that, even it's ex's day, you will be there.) But I think you all need to draw the line at Christmas.

3. Accept that you will not be invited to MIL's family events any more, in the same way she needs to accept she won't be invited to yours.

What sort of other "events for DD" are there likely to be? And, sorry if I've missed it, but how old is DD?

(It's by the by, but I must say I do also wonder if the new DPs are as happy with the arrangements as you and ex.)

I think there’s double standards all round. The op has also spoken of things that she hasn’t invited the ils to. She is complaining that they kick up a fuss when uninvited but she clearly also isn’t happy when she’s not invited to things.
The simple thing to do is just invite who you want to invite to things and let others do the same.
I think the fact that the op seems to want her and her ex to accompany their dd everywhere is a bit much tbh. My dh is happy to take kids to events on his own as am I and we’re still together! It’s not normal to do absolutely everything as an extended family and it just seems like trying to overcompensate for the break up by keeping up appearances of everything being fine - and the ils are being inconvenient by not playing along.

It's just really really unhealthy and naturally I don't think will continue and sorry this isn't normal either.

Well OP - things do change when you get divorced - of course they do. There are compromises and breaks from the past. Most people when they divorce lose the close relationship they had with the in-laws to a large degree - the kids usually go to each set of grandparents with the respective parent. Otherwise with new partners and their kids and grandparents you'd end up at family things all the time!

You will not be as close with the in-laws. Thats fine. I'm sure they probably feel pretty awkward about that so don't take it as hurtful and unkind. They might be very sorry you've broken up and a bit overwhelmed by all these new partners waltzing in. But do let your DP invite them to school things - if he wont be there then they can come with you surely? How does that hurt you?

I don't see it as hypocritical - the common thread is their closeness with their son and their love for their grandchild. There's no text book for how divorce should work. But be clear - it means big changes. You'd do better to accept that now and not take it personally. No doubt some friendships will be lost too. That is what divorce is like. The end of something - and the beginning of something new.