Ex In Laws and how to be fair to DD

[MsLucyLastic]

My Ex and I recently divorced. We are still best of friends, see each other and our DD as family, and our new partners are on board with this too. So far so good.

My family still view ExH as family and we all had Xmas together, along with my ex MIL who accepted the invitation post our divorce.

It is exMILs birthday on Friday. I am not invited. As I am not "family" any more. They have said they only want to see DD with my ex.

Which is fine. I cannot demand an invitation and, just because ex and I have said we would love to be treated as a family still, for DDs benefit so she doesn't have to choose who to be with, doesn't mean that others have to respect our stance on this.

However, my in Laws do expect to be invited to anything my DD is involved with, regardless of whether DD is with me or ex on that day. I don't see how this can work re inviting them to.school things for DD in the week. Obviously I will be there. Apparently they still expect me to invite them.

AIBU to feel confused as to.what they expect and not know what the fair thing to do is anymore?

@FuckingYuleLog I can see why you think there are double standards all round but there really haven't been.

My parents booked some things for the family and included exH. They didn't invite In laws as it was specific to our family.

In laws were cross they weren't invited as they are "still family". When I explained the situation to them they realised that it was something specific to my family and so accepted that.

However, In laws made it clear that they expected invitations to my family's things in future.

Such demands tend to suggest that they would reciprocate when they had family events. But they haven't invited my family to two of their events.

Don't get me wrong....neither I not my family would normally have expected an invitation. They are ex in laws. It just seems a bit rich that they have essentially demanded an invitation to all my family's events (not DD specific ones), as they are "still family" and yet have no intention of extending invitations the other way.

They have been invited to several things by my family, since they were annoyed at not being invited to an event specific to my family. They have attended. We seemed to have reached an inclusive agreement on how to proceed. Now it is something for their family, they haven't reciprocated. That is double standards. Those double standards have led me to be confused about what they actually want from me and my family. Whether you find it confusing or not is by the by. I have done. And have explained why repeatedly.

I am well aware that my DD doesn't need me there when she is with her dad. And I am more than happy NOT to attend in law family stuff. I was only miffed because the in laws made a huge fuss to my parents and me about us all being one big family, and demanded invites to non-DD specific things. Fine, since then my family have invited them and they have attended non-DD specific family parties etc. But then haven't reciprocated when they have had family events. That is plainly double standards.

@Purplelila2 - I don't think ex and I getting on, and our partners accepting it, is "unhealthy" for DD. Could you please elaborate how us NOT getting on would be healthier for DD?

@DontCallMeCharlotte - DD is 8. Why do you think that my DP and ex's DP are unhappy that we all get on? They are relieved that there is no drama between the four of us. Neither of the DPs are insecure. What do you think would make them happier? For me and ex to dislike each other?

@Bouledeneige I absolutely would love ex in laws to come to all DD's events. I have said throughout the thread that I will.invite them and always have, as that is what is best for DD. I am unclear as to why you think I would be hurt by that?

I was just perplexed by how they have said they only want to see DD with ex, but they would obviously have to see me at school events, her birthday etc. So I was a) worried they wouldn't come and b) wondered if I should miss some.events to give them a chance to see DD without me, if they didn't want me there.

I have explained all this repeatedly throughout the thread.

Again, I have no problem with things changing, I just object to one rule for them and one rule for us.

But surely MILs birthday was also specific to their side of the family and not particularly related to dd so why would you expect an invitation?
Hauling in laws, exes and new partners around to everything is just odd and I imagine pretty confusing for your dd. Is she even aware that you and her dad are divorced?
You’re not one of those people who have a family day out at the walk in centre are you 😂
Of course you’re not going to miss your dds plays etc on the off chance that the ils won’t share a room with you. That is a ridiculous suggestion. I’m sure given the choice your dd would prefer you there.
Invite them to what you are happy to and they can attend or not. Equally they will invite you to whatever they are happy for you to attend and you can attend or not. Couldn’t be simpler.

as you've asked me to elaborate I will.
It's unhealthy mentally to continue as though you're married you aren't you're divorced.

Doesn't mean be at each other's throats it means move on . How can you move on when you want to live in your exs pocket.

This situation will come to an end at one point or another.

Your responses sound like you're trying to convince yourself.

I would just use this for the future - this is the boundaries they’ve established now with you not being invited to things specific to their family when DD is there.

You can do the same and point to this example.

Purplelila sounds to me like they’re behaving like good friends which they are. Doesn’t sound like a problem to me.

@FuckingYuleLog - As the in laws have demanded invitations to things which are non DD related, and have subsequently been invited to such things and accepted the invitation because "we are all still family", it seems weird for them to not reciprocate invitations for their non-DD related events.

If they aren't going to reciprocate invitations, how do they have the nerve to demand them from.my side, for stuff that has nothing to do with DD? Do you see? Sorry, I can't think of another way of explaining it.

I don't actually care about the birthday thing personally, but I am hurt on my parents behalf, as it is they that have borne the brunt of in laws demands and have issued invitations which have been accepted.

It is fine for them to not view me or my parents as family any more, but why demand invitations to things from my parents as "we are all.still.family"?

@Purplelila2 how exactly do ex and I live in each other's pockets? I am intrigued to know, and no doubt it will be news to him too.

We see each other on a Friday when he collects DD and on a Sunday when he drops her back off. Over Xmas, I saw him on Xmas day, Boxing day and NYD.

We aren't continuing as if we are married. That's a bit weird and "eww" to be honest. We both have new partners. What am I trying to convince myself of? Considering that I instigated our split and completed the divorce papers, I am as sure as I can be that I REALLY don't want to be married to him anymore. We love each other like we are siblings.

My career history is in psychiatry. I can assure you that if we were acting in a mentally healthy way, my old workmates would tell me. Actually, they are impressed with how healthy me, ex and our new DPs are in regard to all this. What specifically is unhealthy about us getting on well? Is it healthier to not do so?

@ChasedByBees thank you I am going to use this as an example going forward. I will accept no more anger from his family towards mine for not inviting them to non-DD related things. My parents also refuse to issue more invitations to these events, now they know that ex in laws will accept them but not reciprocate.

Well they can demand all they want it doesn’t mean you have to follow demands. Nor do they have to invite you.
The ‘non dd related event’ you mentioned was Christmas. I can see why it might be quite nice for your dd to have her extended family around her at Christmas whereas it isn’t necessary for you to be there when she’s with her dad celebrating his mother’s birthday.

And if you genuinely were putting your dd first you would invite them to all the things your dd would want them to be invited to regardless of what tit for tat invitations you get in return.

I think I can pretty much see why the double standards from you in laws. From their perspective you split up a functioning family because you didn’t fancy their son anymore. From their perspective they will have just seen a family who got on well. They were fully involved in the GD life and got on well with your family.

In their eyes and prob of their generation you didn’t split up families because you didn’t fancy your DH anymore, potentially you had a discreet affair) but the rest of the extended family carried on as normal.

In their eyes you have split the family and thus limited their time and inclusion in DDs life and potentially caused much upset to their DS over what they probably see as a trifling matter. They blame you.

Therefore they don’t see why their time should be limited by your decision but they don’t really want you around unnecessarily either.

Not saying it’s right but can see where they are coming from.

What do you think would make them happier? For me and ex to dislike each other?

Don't be daft. I'm on your side here. But as much as you've clearly struck gold with your respective new partners and the relationships between all parties, given your own professional background, wouldn't you be surprised if no one ever had any twinges of doubt?

I don't know why your bothering with them, they're ex in-laws! I would be glad to cut contact with them they sound petty and entitled..... If they can't except your wishes and not just your wishes their sons wishes too then just be glad you don't owe them anything! Don't let people be in a place where they are steering your ship, your life, your rules

FuckingYuleLog - Erm no, it hasn't only been Xmas I am referring to. My mum's retirement meal, and a trip to Xmas markets are other things prior to Xmas that in laws ended up being invited to.

Also FuckingYuleLog, have you missed the numerous times when I said I have invited in laws to everything related to DD and will continue to do so.

I am getting a bit annoyed now. It feels like you are being wilfully obtuse.

@Deadbudgie - the in laws know that exH hasn't fancied me for at least two years as he told them that. And then I started feeling the same way and then we finished. It wouldn't be very fair to blame me alone.

So, long story short: they are part of your family but you’re not part of theirs?

I would make sure your ex DH contacts the school to ensure dates of things are sent to him, then he can inform/invite his family to whatever he wants.

@DontCallMeCharlotte hmmm maybe. But we can't not get on, just in case one day our partners do a total about turn and decide they dont like it. Both knew the score right from the very start. So they didn't have to progress relationships with either of us if they felt uncomfortable.

My DP loves it because he had a rough divorce from his ex and it made life so much harder for them all, so he thinks we are dealing with the split really well. DP and ex go down the pub together etc and take the piss out of my driving together. Neither sees the other as a threat.

I know ex's DP from university. She knows the score totally and it has made it so much easier that we get on.

I am not sure what other stance we are meant to take.

I am bowing out of the thread now. Thanks to everyone that has contributed.

I am giving my in laws no more headspace. "Petty and entitled", as a PP said, just about sums them up.

I will continue to invite them to all DD's stuff, but I really cannot be bothered now to engage with them much beyond that. They have upset me, my family, my exH, our friends.....and I am now very glad they don't see me as family. It means I, and my parents, have no obligation to invite them to anything.

Thanks for all the responses.

I am not sure what other stance we are meant to take.

None. It's working.

If you’re only thinking of what your dd would prefer then reciprocation shouldn’t come into it. Your dd isn’t going to think I don’t want to see my gps at this meal because they didn’t invite my mum last time. That’s a totally adult way of looking at it.
And I don’t think anyone on here is suggesting you shouldn’t remain friends with your dds father. More that involving both sides of the extended family in everything and expecting everyone to remain the best of friends after you have divorced is odd and unrealistic.

And your tune has changed from the start of the thread where you said you had loved your ils for 15yrs and that hasn’t changed. Not a lot of love for them now 😂

FuckingYuleLog - I have loved them for 15 years. Their behavior has always been.challenging but I have loved them regardless. However, they are being petty and entitled and have upset so.many other people I love that I am now backing away.

You clearly aren't used to being able.to love people whilst not liking all they do. If them not seeing me as family saves people I love and me from further upset, then yes, I now have to be glad for small mercies.

If you’re only thinking of what your dd would prefer then reciprocation shouldn’t come into it. Your dd isn’t going to think I don’t want to see my gps at this meal because they didn’t invite my mum last time. That’s a totally adult way of looking at it

Er yes, I know. Which is why I have said I always have and always will invite them to all DD's things. I am.not sure what part of that you arent getting, but I have repeatedly explained.

I have been quite clear that I am.talking about reciprocation to non DD.specific things.

I don't see how I.can explain it in any other way than I already have, so I am no longer going to try.

And if you think me having to.back.away from my ex in laws for my own sanity is funny, that says lots more about you than it.does about me.

Thanks for you contributions but I don't really see the point in replying to.any further comments from you @FuckingYuleLog. I am afraid I cannot explain to you in any simpler way than I already have.

I wouldn’t describe people I love in the way you have no. But nor do I feel the need to traipse my extended family with me everywhere as a public show of togetherness. So I guess we both have very different ideas about healthy family relationships.