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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex In Laws and how to be fair to DD

140 replies

MsLucyLastic · 01/01/2019 19:25

My Ex and I recently divorced. We are still best of friends, see each other and our DD as family, and our new partners are on board with this too. So far so good.

My family still view ExH as family and we all had Xmas together, along with my ex MIL who accepted the invitation post our divorce.

It is exMILs birthday on Friday. I am not invited. As I am not "family" any more. They have said they only want to see DD with my ex.

Which is fine. I cannot demand an invitation and, just because ex and I have said we would love to be treated as a family still, for DDs benefit so she doesn't have to choose who to be with, doesn't mean that others have to respect our stance on this.

However, my in Laws do expect to be invited to anything my DD is involved with, regardless of whether DD is with me or ex on that day. I don't see how this can work re inviting them to.school things for DD in the week. Obviously I will be there. Apparently they still expect me to invite them.

AIBU to feel confused as to.what they expect and not know what the fair thing to do is anymore?

OP posts:
Original poster
MsLucyLastic · 01/01/2019 20:26

Okey dokey. Have read and taken all comments on board.

No way do I want to punish them for their stance at my DDs expense! DD comes first. And to be honest, I don't want to punish the In laws any way. I have loved them for 15 years, that hasn't changed just because ex and I aren't sleeping together.

It was literally confusion over logistics re did it sound as though they are expecting not to attend DDs stuff if I am there? Which I found beyond weird and petty.

I have so far invited my in.laws to all DDs things, because it is the right thing to do.

The only thing I personally feel hurt by is my MIL taking up my family's invitation for Xmas, and their goodwill, whilst she knew what her stance towards my family.is.

I think in laws heads may explode when they find out that ex and I, DD and our new partners are all off on holiday later in the year.

Whichever PP asked whether ex's new DP would be invited to my family events, yes they will be. And kids. Why not if we all get on?

OP posts:
Original poster
MsLucyLastic · 01/01/2019 20:38

So does it sound fair if I invite everyone to DD's things (which I always have and will do)? And if they have a problem with seeing me there, would it be kind to not go to some things to cater to them? That I am confused about! I obviously want to see my DDs stuff, but should I sometimes dip out if they don't want me there?

I totally get that stuff for other family members is different. It is a sad but normal part of moving on. It is just them accepting my sides invitations whilst having no intention of reciprocating that I found really strange. Ex is furious about that TBH. I just feel a bit hurt as though my family have been taken advantage of a bit. But then no-one forced them to invite the in laws.

OP posts:
Gizlotsmum · 01/01/2019 20:45

No you shouldn’t duck out. If they have a problem that is their issue but I don’t think it sounds like they do

Consolidateyourloins · 01/01/2019 20:46

So you're not invited to in laws events but they expect to be invited to Christmas at your mother's because your dd will be there?

Hell no! Fuck that!

DrCoconut · 01/01/2019 20:48

If it's anything like round here you will be unable to invite grandparents to school events anyway, unless only one will come. Tickets (not paid for though) are limited.

MumW · 01/01/2019 20:48

You absolutely, must not miss any of DDs events. If exPIL find it awkward with you there, then that's their problem not yours.

SummerGems · 01/01/2019 20:49

How long have you been separated?

Ultimately the ILs are your dd’s family, and the ability to maintain a positive relationship with you as well is an added bonus but not necessarily an expectation.

I love my ILs and they are always welcome in my house and in my parents’ house as it happens, and they visit fairly regularly as DS no longer stays at his dad’s so this is a good way for them to still see DS. B
But we exchange christmas presents and cards and birthday presents etc as well.

However, my eXH has moved on and has his own partner now and more children of his own as well as DSC, and there’s no way I would expect to be invited to family events such as MIL’s birthday etc because those are family events where I would expect eXH’s new partner etc to be seen as part of the family. If your parents feel comfortable with inviting your ex to family events then that is up to them, but just because they do doesn’t make it an expectation iyswim.

Gth1234 · 01/01/2019 20:51

fwiw, I just can't believe you and your ex, and new partners are all going on holiday together.

SassitudeandSparkle · 01/01/2019 20:52

I don't see the confusion tbh. They expect their GD to visit them when she is with her father - that's not the same as when she is at school. The in-laws have not refused to see you. MIL was there at Christmas, you know she is not refusing to see you.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 01/01/2019 20:53

I do think though that Christmas is slightly different because no one 'owns' Christmas but everyone wants to see dd. Maybe your exh could host next year and invite your side too in order to even it out. I think for things where either dd is the focus or neutral then it is great that you get along so well but I can see that there are some events on their side or your side which you might not both go to - a cousin's wedding for example you would take your new partner as your plus one. If your ex really wants you there then that is for him to raise with his mother. You might also consider that maybe your MIL wants to create the environment for his new partner to get to know the family which could be harder if you are there.

FuckingYuleLog · 01/01/2019 20:53

Of course you should go to your own dds events. Have the ils suggested in any way you shouldn’t? They spent Christmas with you so clearly can bear to be in your presence!
It seems like you’re set on this ‘conscious uncoupling’ where everyone has to stay best friends with everyone. Great for the people who want to be part of that.
But there’s clearly not a lot of love lost between you and the ils who you describe as hypocritical. They were happy to get together for a family Christmas for your dd but mils wishes were the focus for her b’day as they should be. Your ils aren’t obliged to be best friends with you and they clearly only want a r’ship with their gd which is fine.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 01/01/2019 20:56

Oh but absolutely not absenting yourself from school events because they might be there. Anything on neutral territory is fair game!

picklemebaubles · 01/01/2019 20:58

It's a bit different, they were offered the chance to share DD's Christmas with her, at your mum's house. That isn't the same as sharing DD's grandma's birthday with her, do you see?

Again, for DD's birthday they should be invited if you can cope with it.

I don't think it means they find seeing you awkward. They are working out how to handle this as well, remember.

Maelstrop · 01/01/2019 21:09

They can see your dd when your ex has her. This is surely more feasible logistically.

MsVestibule · 01/01/2019 21:13

TBH OP, you do sound more than a little disingenuous. There is no confusion:

  • Your ex-ILs presumably accepted an invitation from your parents at Christmas so they could see their granddaughter, i.e. their family.
  • They don't consider you family anymore so haven't invited you to your ex-MILs birthday party.
  • They want to watch their GD at school events so have asked you to invite them. At what point did they suggest/imply that you should not attend any of these events? That comes from you completely.

You say earlier 'because ex and I aren't sleeping together anymore'. What a bizarre way of putting it. Your sex life is nothing to do with this - you're divorced, not just sleeping in separate beds!!

Dieu · 01/01/2019 21:31

While I think it's admirable that things are so amicable, I think clearer boundaries might less confusing for your daughter in the long run.

YABU. You are no longer a family.

Dieu · 01/01/2019 21:31

be less confusing

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 01/01/2019 21:36

I think it’s all ok.

Events that are important to your family e.g. a grandparent’s birthday, you and DD go to

Events that are important to ex’s family, ex and DD go to

Events that are important to everyone e.g. DD’s birthday, Christmas, school events everyone goes to, subject to tickets blah blah

I don’t think you need to read anything into not being invited to ex MIL’s birthday. And under no circumstances should you not go to DD’s school events. That would be madness.

Consolidateyourloins · 01/01/2019 21:42

TBH OP, you do sound more than a little disingenuous. There is no confusion:
-Your ex-ILs presumably accepted an invitation from your parents at Christmas so they could see their granddaughter, i.e. their family.

How does OP sound disingenuous? Her mum could have invited MIL at OP's instigation.

LivininaBox · 01/01/2019 21:42

You are over thinking things, your ex ILs have not said they don't want to see you. They are just moving on with their lives. Do you seriously expect to be invited to every event your DD attends with your exes family? You sound a bit too keen to see everyone being " best friends".

Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 01/01/2019 21:47

Op, 🙏 if you have already said this but I wonder if your ex has actually asked for this?
Is there any way of getting the truth from him? If he, your ex husband has requested his dp don't invite you, 100 fair enough... Perhaps he wants to create his own space.

However if he's fine with it and it's just Mil... It's a damaging and extremely horrid thing to do. So many families divorce and are at war... To have a situation like this is a gift.. To that gift and turn it into something sour... Awful

Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 01/01/2019 21:51

Op I know people are thrown together when people get married and have dc but it's really sad if you felt you all got on and now suddenly your not wanted.

Perhaps they never liked you? After all it's very common for families to keep in touch with 1st spouses esp out of respect fir them being the parent of their grandchild... Even when the partner has moved on.

FuckingYuleLog · 01/01/2019 21:52

The op sounds disingenuous claiming that the gps will no longer be able to go to school events or she won’t be as they don’t want to see her. When she also says they have asked to be invited to school events (knowing she will be there) and has spent Christmas with them. I’m sure they can manage to sit in the same school hall for an hour or so every few months!
It seems to me like she wants support to ban the gps from school events because she wasn’t invited to mils birthday celebration and by implying she won’t be able to go to things if ex ils are there when this obviously isn’t the case. Or she wants people to say that the ils are unreasonable for refusing to be best friends with her like their son is.

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 01/01/2019 21:54

I know this is probably really hard to hear but what they are suggesting (you invite them to DD stuff but they only invite DD and her dad and his gf to their stuff) sounds completely normal to me x

Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 01/01/2019 21:56

The op sounds disengenious?

I think she sounds like a really fair nice person making the best of the one of the most awful things for any parents who have brought a child into the world together to do... Split up. She and her ex sound mature and kind as do her parents.

I don't feel she should suffer or feel awkward for one second due to her pils frosty behaviour. She has been kind and open as have her family, they... Are shutting that door in her face.