To not know what to do about DS18 being vile to DD15

[Railwaychildren]

DS 18 and DD 15 have never been close, I don’t know why, we’ve brought them up the same, tried to treat the both of them equally etc but DS just will not tolerate DD at all.
I can’t really remember when this started, DS was ok when he was little and she came along, being a boy and a girl they’ve always had separate interests and toys but they used to play together occasionally etc.
The last few years DS has become considerably worse towards DD. He will hardly look at her, won’t speak to her apart from maybe one word and will treat her with total disdain. He’s actually become like it to DH and I over the last year or so too.
He’s an intelligent, nice lad and he’s not been any trouble. He’s always felt he was the ‘top dog’ academically of the pair of them but he’s had a shock this last year as after flying his GCSEs he absolutely bombed his AS levels as he simply didn’t put any work in. He became disdainful of DH and I and wouldn’t listen, telling us we didn’t know what we were talking about etc. Well the proof was in the pudding when he failed last August. As we knew he wasn’t putting the work in and preferring to spend all his time online gaming we insisted he got a PT job to keep his car running (that we bought, paid for lessons and helped insure). This PT job then became the reason he failed his AS levels of course, it was our fault.
Luckily he was offered a brilliant apprenticeship in the summer and we more or less insisted he took it rather than waste time resitting his AS levels and bumming around - he had absolutely no plans to go to university so we felt that this was the best option for him. It’s a fantastic opportunity with a huge global company with brilliant prospects. He goes every day but won’t tell us what he’s doing and share anything abou it at all. He just grunts at us, spends time in his room gaming when he’s not in work or out in his car. It feels like he’s punishing us for something (probably as we got firm over the AS levels) but he has everything! A lovely home, stable family etc. He’s 18 and wants to be treated like an adult but he barely acts like one.

So, back to DD, she gets a bit upset that he’s so dismissive but however hard she tries to be kind to him he will not engage. Today, things have come to a head - we live semi rurally and DS has gone out in his car. DD is here and is bored so asked if she could go on his Xbox to be able to game with her friend. He text almost immediately to me to demand that she gets off it. I explained that she would be careful and that she wasn’t hurting, I asked him to be kind and allow her to play as we are a little cut off - it’s how he mostly talks to his friends! So surely he’d understand? No, she’s to get off it and he’s putting a PIN on it when he gets home.

I feel so sad that he’s like this. I am so close to my siblings I can’t imagine being so vile just for the sake of it. There’ll be world war 3 now when he gets home and no doubt the silent treatment of me for days for allowing her on it. How to handle this? I’m at a loss.

It was not your place to allow dd a go on ds xbox. It belongs to him. Unless it is a family xbox.
Is this a reverse? You sounds very unreasonable.

You allowed your DD to use your DS's Xbox, that's not on!

With siblings not getting on there's ususlly a bigger reason than personalities. You say they've never been close - do you think your DS sees your DD as getting preferencal treatment?

I think you've been unreasonable and sound a bit controlling, he's likely reacting to that.

But it wasn't hers.

You don't seem to like him much.

No, it’s not a reverse. I am the mum, ok, I do see that it’s his Xbox but they are brother and sister, I haven’t brought them up to be like this to one another. She is very careful and if the shoe was on the other foot she’d allow DS a go in a heartbeat.
I feel so upset to think I have to facilitate his behaviour towards her.

There are 3 years between me and my brother. Up until I was about 18 he would literally kick the shit out of me for walking into his room or talking to him. We hated eachother.
I'm 22 now and we have been almost bestfriends for years. I think since I was about 18 we really started to get along.

I think it's a matter of growing up.. and my mum throwing his Xbox out of his bedroom window because he punched me in the boob when I was 15. That was a great day..

Wow! I'm really shocked at the responses so far. It's an Xbox - not like it is going to run out of juice or something - and he wasn't using it. I'd be changing the WiFi password if all hell breaks loose when he gets home.

But it doesn't matter if they're brother and sister. It's his property. It seems OP like you're trying to force a relationship between the two.

To say I don’t like him much is ridiculous, he’s very much loved and we’ve never treated him any differently to DD.

I haven’t brought them up to be like this to one another

Clearly, you have.

Tbf my brother and I fought like cat and dog. Physically and verbally. I wasn't allowed in his room or to touch his stuff. No one could rile me like he could. When he moved out at about 20 we started to get on fine. We did mutual eye rolling about our dad and bonded over it. Now we choose to spend time with each other and our families. It sounds like he's mad at himself over his exams and taking it out on everyone else because he's a teenager who can't manage his emotions well. The x box is the electronic equivalent of his private space and you maybe need to get one for DD as well.

Agree with SneakyGremlins.

He does need a kick up the arse about his general attitude, but you're focusing on the wrong thing.

If it belongs to your son then it’s his property.

If you want your dd to have an Xbox to play on then you’ll have to buy one for the family.

Seriously? How can anyone condone his behaviour. The games console is one tiny incident in a grander scheme of things - he's being a dick. I'd change the wifi code and let him stew. He needs set rules about behaviour and respect while he continues to live at home. If he's not willing to respect his sister and you and Dh then let him off to rent somewhere and see how he gets on fending for himself.

Xboxes to older teens are personal. It’s how they chat to their friends, message each other etc. It’s a big no no for anyone else to use it without their own permission.

You can’t force a relationship between them. It’s sad but I actually don’t think there’s much you can do. My dh has 3 siblings and never speaks to any of them, there’s so much rivalry and anger between them all.

Don't understand the previous comments. Your sons acting like a prize tosser, not allowing her to share his xbox is just mean. Allowing him to treat her like shit while under your roof is far worse though, it won't be doing her self esteem any good at all.

I agree you shouldn't have allowed her to use his Xbox. It's an invasion of his privacy because he can download apps, message people, and even browse the internet too I believe. It's like allowing her to use his personal iPad if he had one.

As for the rest of his behaviour I sadly have no advice as I've no experience with teenagers. Yet.

Unfortunately they don't always grow out of this.
My DB and I don't speak at all now. we see each other at family events and he will pop round to my mum's when she is babysitting DS, he always sends presents and cards etc but we simply don't ever speak. I don't like him and vice versa.
In my eyes, he always had it better than me, he was smarter, better with money, always sensible etc whereas I made poor choices, always had no money, but I had loads of friends and was really outgoing. He has a permanent chip on his shoulder because he blames our parents for our differences which is ridiculous. My parents help me out loads, and would help him if he ever asked!

Ultimately things may never change. Just encourage your DD to always be nice but don't try and force a relationship. It's sad but it makes life easier

Agree that some of the previous comments have been overly harsh towards you, OP.

YANBU.

I cannot BELIEVE the responses here. He sounds like an entitled little hit to be quite honest.
I think you need to start making his life a lot less pleasant and easy. I'd be cutting off the wifi for him for a start. Is he paying rent??

Well Troubled, if you can tell me where I’ve gone wrong then I’d be really grateful. Hand on heart the kids have been treated exactly the same. The only thing I can think of that we’ve done differently is that as DD is a girl we’ve tended to go shopping etc together whilst DH has always had season tickets to the football so DS has gone every other week for many years with DH (which they love). Maybe I’ve not spent time equally with them.

I'm a bit at "it's his XBox" too! OP, I don't think you sound unreasonable, controlling or as if you dislike your son! I'm wondering at the negative responses.
No proper advice as my kids are very small but growing up I despised (although looking back I didn't at all) my next brother - I'm 6 years older. I was also very possessive over my things and it used to drive me insane when my parents let him use them - whether I bought them or not! So I get your DS' fury but still think he was being unfair.
I think their relationship will improve as they get older they just have nothing in common right now. I wouldn't say my brother is my best friend as we still have little in common but we do get on, quite well actually, and this is probably something my parents thought they'd never see!

Sounds like 2of mine, however now they're not under the same roof all the time they tend to get on a lot better and he's a very good hands on uncle to her boys

Where is the Xbox? Is it in a communal area or his room? Who paid for the TV it’s connected to? Does he contribute to the bills (electricity and WiFi in particular)? Who paid for the sofa/chair he sits in while he plays? If he wants to get possessive and petty I would do the same to him.

My mother had took this approach if my brothers or I ever got a bit possessive. She did in a Micky taking sort of way. We realised very early on that we had more if we shared as a trio than we did as individuals.

I think your son needs a reality check on how boring and miserable life would be if he wasn’t living at home.

His attitude is disrespectful towards all of you at the moment, no idea how you deal with it... encourage him to move out until he grows up?

My DB and I were like this. It took us both moving out of my very toxic parents’ house for the relationship to improve. Mum is a narc and liked to play us off in various ways.