Would you find this irritating?

[Calvinsmam]

Totally happy to be told I’m being unreasonable but this is something that’s been irritating me for a while and I want to gauge if I’m overreacting.

My dh is a prolific reader. He set himself a challenge to read a hundred books in 2018 and he more than hit his target, he finished the year reading Infinite Jest in two weeks and because he wanted it finished before 2018 ended he has spent a large portion of the holidays reading.

Last night we had a friend over and she was asking me recommendations for books and my dh started going on about how he doesn’t know any ‘readers’ and that everyone he’s close to is just glued to their phones all the time and he wishes he knew people who were more on his level.

I found this really hurtful as I DO consider myself a reader, I don’t keep track but according to my kindle I’ve read 29 books this year and I also read normal books on top of that and I listen to audible pretty much constantly.

I just don’t make a big songs and dance about it.

Not to drip feed but I’m also dyslexic, so I get on with audiobooks a lot better than written books.

I totally understand that he reads way more than me but he reads way more than any normal human being ever. I also don’t mind him saying he’d like to make friends with people with similar interests as him, quite frankly I’d like him to too.
But it’s just the way he picks at me for ‘always being on my phone’ and ‘You wouldn’t understand because you’re not into books’, he’s just very superior and quite frankly makes me feel like he thinks I’m thick.
He also picks apart people’s grammer all the time, so last night his mam posted a picture of herself on the family chat and a post about how she was ready but not looking forward to going out because she’s worried about a family member that’s in hospital and Dh just replied with ‘*they’re’.
It just really annoys me!
Aibu or would this irritate you too?

Calvinsmum, I'm glad you've talked and he has made the appropriate response. I really hope your feelings have been taken on board. Wishing you and everyone else well for 2019.

The grammar correcting of other adults is rude and twatty.

If you really can't let SPAG mistakes go by then fgs write a nice response (in this instance empathising with his mam or the ill person) which models correct usage ... analogous to quietly swapping the coat hanger.

we get on really well when he’s not being a twat

The thing is, it sounds like he spends most of the time being a twat. All that time reading when he could be interacting with you, keeping his own house tidy etc, for instance. All that time putting you down because he reckons he has such a superior intellect.

And making a massive song and dance about tidying so you end up doing it sounds like classic evasion tactics.

You're allowing your dyslexia and dyspraxia to make you feel inferior, when you so obviously aren't. A little bit of dust really isn't the end of the world. It really is much more important to have a home that you can live in comfortably than one where you spend your life cleaning obsessively and worrying whether you are using the right coat hangers.

to take his cocky swagger away tell him ive 1 uped him

from 1st jan to 31st dec ive read 297 books(i record them on good reads)

2017-2018 i did 285

my kids dont sleep so im up all night with them so i read all my ebooks on my phone in bed,on car journeys, in the bath(got a old phone just for that)

today i set a new goal of 300 for this year

my oh hasn't picked up a book in the 20 years we have been together

no way do i think im better than him in any way

I’m always surprised by these things

Our family is huge and made up of all sorts or waifs and strays

Step kids half brothers and sisters adopted you name it

All considered family and important to their parents etc

None are treated differently

My uncle has 3 kids - first two belong to his partner and they have one together - never married - all grown up with their own kids

They split -

They are still my cousins makes no difference to the parents relationship

What’s wrong with some people?

I think you could try the following phrase on your husband:

It's better to be kind than to be right

Then shove a coat hanger up his arse.

I’ve spoken to him about it all and he seems shocked that I’ve been feeling this way. He seems genuinely sorry and has said he will try to be better and I’m to call him out on it in future.

That's refreshing & heartening & I hope it gets results. Fair dos to you as well for keeping a level head--I wish everyone could see that not everyone who sometimes behaves like an arsehole is an arsehole and that not even all arseholes are abusive, controlling, bullying, etc etc etc.

I feel a bit bad because obviously I’ve just said the worst bits of him here, the vast majority of the time he’s lovely.
He does contribute to the house he does all the life admin bits like ordering cat flea treatment and changing energy suppliers etc, he also is very generous and is actively encouraging to me to hang out with my friends and pursue hobbies etc.

I think he is just a bit self absorbed and has never learnt how to communicate effectively, he was an only child to very indulgent but cold parents and isn’t the most patient person. (Code for he is spoilt)
He is however very open to learning to be nicer, he’s not happy with the way he is and understands the value of growth.

When we first met he was very depressed and did a lot of work on himself to get better and I’m very proud of him for that. But I think the workhe did was very focused on how to make life better just for him and now it’s time to expand that out.

I’m going to go through the ‘should I leave or should I go book’ and do the exercises and he wants to do the exercises for the men too.

He does contribute to the house he does all the life admin bits like ordering cat flea treatment and changing energy suppliers etc,

And how often does that need doing?

Are you doing the every day stuff of thinking about what to have for dinner, doing the shopping etc.

So often get posters on here praising their husbands for contributing to the household by mowing the lawn (once a fortnight for half the year) and doing DIY (changing light bulbs every now and again). Hardly equates with all the housework, childcare, shopping and preparing 2 - 3 meals a day all year, plus mental load of planning for everyone's life.

Perhaps you spend time on your phone so that you don't have to spend time listening to an insufferable arsehole..... just a thought

Sounds to me like he enjoys putting you down OP, and he has ideas above his station

YANBU and he is a twat

Yeah I get what you’re saying but I think it’s slightly different in our situation because I only work about 25/30 hours a week, so it makes sense for me to do more at home or I’d have way more leisure time than him.
I also earn less than him and he’s never ever complained or asked me to work more. I run my own business so can pick what I do and it’s always been that I can pick to do what makes me happy rather than what makes the most money and dh has always supported that choice.
I don’t mind doing the housework, I actually enjoy doing it, my problem is that I just need him to be able to communicate with me better.
If we both worked full time there’s no way I’d be doing all the housework.

I don't have a problem with a 'less hours' partner doing more of the house work. BUT, the 'more hours' partner should be appreciative of the fact and not criticize!

My DH is, by nature, 'neater' than I am but we both understand that the rule is 'if you don't like the way I do XXX, either shut up or do it yourself'. It works both ways. He does the lion's share of 'outside' as we have property and it's a lot of very heavy work, so I do the lion's share of 'inside'. But I trim the camellias & roses because I don't like how he does it. He does his own laundry & a few other things because he doesn't like how I do them. It works for us.

So, he's said he'll try to be more mindful. Good. But these things don't change on their own. He needs counseling to 're-learn' his responses to the things that 'bother' him. If he won't go, he isn't really interested in changing.

fuckinh hell. I made it all the way to 44 without realising or giving a shit that there are rightand wrong clothes hangers.