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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you find this irritating?

165 replies

Calvinsmam · 01/01/2019 09:47

Totally happy to be told I’m being unreasonable but this is something that’s been irritating me for a while and I want to gauge if I’m overreacting.

My dh is a prolific reader. He set himself a challenge to read a hundred books in 2018 and he more than hit his target, he finished the year reading Infinite Jest in two weeks and because he wanted it finished before 2018 ended he has spent a large portion of the holidays reading.

Last night we had a friend over and she was asking me recommendations for books and my dh started going on about how he doesn’t know any ‘readers’ and that everyone he’s close to is just glued to their phones all the time and he wishes he knew people who were more on his level.

I found this really hurtful as I DO consider myself a reader, I don’t keep track but according to my kindle I’ve read 29 books this year and I also read normal books on top of that and I listen to audible pretty much constantly.

I just don’t make a big songs and dance about it.

Not to drip feed but I’m also dyslexic, so I get on with audiobooks a lot better than written books.

I totally understand that he reads way more than me but he reads way more than any normal human being ever. I also don’t mind him saying he’d like to make friends with people with similar interests as him, quite frankly I’d like him to too.
But it’s just the way he picks at me for ‘always being on my phone’ and ‘You wouldn’t understand because you’re not into books’, he’s just very superior and quite frankly makes me feel like he thinks I’m thick.
He also picks apart people’s grammer all the time, so last night his mam posted a picture of herself on the family chat and a post about how she was ready but not looking forward to going out because she’s worried about a family member that’s in hospital and Dh just replied with ‘*they’re’.
It just really annoys me!
Aibu or would this irritate you too?

OP posts:
PositiveVibez · 01/01/2019 10:27

Urgh. What an absolute turn off. Sounds like a pompous, self righteous knob.

What endears you to him?

MeOldChina · 01/01/2019 10:27

YANBU, reading 100 books a year is pretty exceptional and, I would argue just as anti social as being on your phone. I was chuffed to get through 15 this year!

Wrt to the cleaning, my response would be to do it himself if I am so shit, but it wouldn't be the basis for a good relationship

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 01/01/2019 10:28

100 books really isn’t loads at all if you have time to sit around reading. I wouldn’t be proud of how much I read any more than I’d boast about finishing a Netflix series or spending 8 hours in the shops. It’s just a leisure activity. If you enjoy it great but don’t expect other people to be interested or impressed.

RandomMess · 01/01/2019 10:31

I'd stop cleaning and tell him that as your standard isn't good enough you're not going it anymore...

ErrolTheDragon · 01/01/2019 10:32

Blimey.

Well, other than seriously considering whether you want to be with him for much longer, if be tempted to cut down on the housework and ostentatiously spend as much time as he does reading. If he complains about the mess, tell him you're following his example re priorities.

I'm sure you can get some book recommendations on MN ...

icelollycraving · 01/01/2019 10:32

The reading and grammar are twattish. What are his redeeming qualities? Don’t have kids with him, can you imagine the pressure for a child living up to his standards?

Strongmummy · 01/01/2019 10:33

He sounds like a prick.

happymum12345 · 01/01/2019 10:33

He certainly sounds like he could be on the spectrum-aren’t we all?! You need to let him know, very clearly, how he is upsetting you as he may not realise. As a teacher, I can just imagine the sort of child he was!

cantfindname · 01/01/2019 10:34

100 books does not make a prolific reader.. so go pee on his bonfire with that! He is an average reader at best. He also has an over-inflated ego and opinion of himself and sounds to be an unpleasant man to live with.

Kick him into reality and get him off his backside.

ErrolTheDragon · 01/01/2019 10:34

I don’t like doing the cleaning and being told off.

He is not treating you as an equal.

travailtotravel · 01/01/2019 10:34

To answer your question, yes. Yes I found find it irritating. To the point where if I wasn't seeing some shift in attitude, I'd have to question why I am with him. The coat hanger thing is bizarre. What is he hoping to achieve with all these comments?

Huntawaymama · 01/01/2019 10:34

While I think it would be better if people spent less time on their phones and more time reading when you spend all your time reading you're being just as unsociable and rude. Your first post about books and superiority is something that would be super annoying but the next one about cleaning I would not put up with. He's belittling you and being a general twat

GreenTulips · 01/01/2019 10:35

totally happy to be told I’m being unreasonable

How’s that going?

ErrolTheDragon · 01/01/2019 10:37

How’s that going?

I'd imagine it's going quite well as about the only way in which the way most of us think the OP is being unreasonable is by putting up with this behaviour.

DelightfulCunt · 01/01/2019 10:38

Agh that post made my teeth itch, he sounds awful!!
I adore reading, books, audio books etc but ffs and was actually rather embarrassed at my Audible count for the year as it was so high (and my house so messy!) but it doesn’t define me, most of my best friends wouldn’t be big readers.

As for the comment under his mums post, vomit inducing!

Billben · 01/01/2019 10:40

Christ, he would drive me up the wall with behaviour like that.

Hidingtonothing · 01/01/2019 10:41

Next time he criticises someone else's grammar, reading habits or your household skills ask him 'is your self esteem really so low you have to put others down to boost it?' And then walk away and let him ponder on that one.......arsehole.

HumphreyCobblers · 01/01/2019 10:41

He has SUCH a sense of his superiority doesn't he? Based on very little by the sound of it. Reading 100 books in a year just sounds like he enjoys reading to be honest, I probably get through about that without making an effort or a song and dance about it.

The cleaning thing sounds horrendous, how DARE he criticize you when he does nothing?

maddiemookins16mum · 01/01/2019 10:42

His number of books read is the least of your problems. Twanker.

ChodeofChodeHall · 01/01/2019 10:44

I think he’s on the spectrum a bit

No. My husband is 'on the spectrum a bit' and manages the housework just fine. He also treats me with respect. Sorry but your DH is just a cockend. Please don't tar ASD folk with the arsehole brush.

HolyMountain · 01/01/2019 10:45

The superior book and grammar thing is bad enough but your further updates about how he treats you are really awful.

Original poster
Calvinsmam · 01/01/2019 10:47

I’m actually surprised by these comments, I thought it would be split into people telling me that I hadn’t read much and to get over myself.

He went to councilling earlier on in our relationship and the councillor told him that she sees couples a lot where one is less tidy than the other and it makes the one that’s more tidy distressed and since then I think when I’ve not put something away properly he sees it as me not respecting his boundaries.

But I feel that I do everything he asks but then he moves the goalposts.

OP posts:
Alpacanorange · 01/01/2019 10:47

Yabu
For putting up with his egotistical nonsense.
So he almost reads 2 books a week, big deal, that is time he could be interacting with actual real live people ... and cleaning.
Does he do this often ?

pictish · 01/01/2019 10:49

As an avid reader I think 100 is loads. But so what? What does a he want...a chocolate fucking medal in the shape of a book?

Coloursthatweremyjoy · 01/01/2019 10:50

You need to push back. My DH used to be like this about the cleaning but I started calling him on the fact that I did it all and telling him how unreasonable he was being. He stopped. Basically if anyone in this house complains about the dust they get handed a duster. Don't tolerate it, stick up for yourself.

Oh and an aside...we are not all on the spectrum....people who have Autism are on the spectrum....it being a spectrum of Autism.

That winds me right up.

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