Would you find this irritating?

[Calvinsmam]

Totally happy to be told I’m being unreasonable but this is something that’s been irritating me for a while and I want to gauge if I’m overreacting.

My dh is a prolific reader. He set himself a challenge to read a hundred books in 2018 and he more than hit his target, he finished the year reading Infinite Jest in two weeks and because he wanted it finished before 2018 ended he has spent a large portion of the holidays reading.

Last night we had a friend over and she was asking me recommendations for books and my dh started going on about how he doesn’t know any ‘readers’ and that everyone he’s close to is just glued to their phones all the time and he wishes he knew people who were more on his level.

I found this really hurtful as I DO consider myself a reader, I don’t keep track but according to my kindle I’ve read 29 books this year and I also read normal books on top of that and I listen to audible pretty much constantly.

I just don’t make a big songs and dance about it.

Not to drip feed but I’m also dyslexic, so I get on with audiobooks a lot better than written books.

I totally understand that he reads way more than me but he reads way more than any normal human being ever. I also don’t mind him saying he’d like to make friends with people with similar interests as him, quite frankly I’d like him to too.
But it’s just the way he picks at me for ‘always being on my phone’ and ‘You wouldn’t understand because you’re not into books’, he’s just very superior and quite frankly makes me feel like he thinks I’m thick.
He also picks apart people’s grammer all the time, so last night his mam posted a picture of herself on the family chat and a post about how she was ready but not looking forward to going out because she’s worried about a family member that’s in hospital and Dh just replied with ‘*they’re’.
It just really annoys me!
Aibu or would this irritate you too?

I live with my ex from whom I'm separated. He had an affair for six months which I discovered by accident. His affair was with a girlfriend that he new when he was 21-he was 69 when he took up with her again .
We are surrounded by our children and Grandchildren . Our Grandson lives closeby and we help with childcare. He is 12 next June so Im thinking of selling the house .We live in house together but separately within the house. It has a separate living room upstairs that was a bedroom .When Grandson is 12/13 I would like to sell up so I can really lead my own life as I feel I'm not completely independent .I now know post separation and my ex's reactions to any discussions including about an anonymous letter I received about his behaviour -that may or may not be true ,that Ive been married to someone who has a very different take on the rights and wrongs of what makes a relationship work. I still want to have him as acompanion /friend but I'm finding it difficult to make this arrangement work.

That is annoying. I would be tempted to come out with ‘yeah I know how you feel mr literary. Everybody has such crap social skills these days, they are constantly being insufferably rude and annoying. I really wish I could find my people.’ But I am currently having full on PMS so don’t take that as advice. You have my sympathy.

Setting a goal to read x nr of books in y amount of time is ridiculous and turns it into a chore. Who wants that.

Read because you want to. Look at your phone if you want to. Doesn’t reading people’s stories and comments on MN count as reading? I’ve learned a whole heap of things just by doing that.

I love reading and I love that DD does too, but I get really annoyed by people who use it as a superiority tool to beat others with. We’re all supposed to say we love to read but it’s fine to say “I’m crap at maths” and nobody worries about that.

I wouldn’t believe a word he tells you about the counsellor. You only get out of a counsellor what you put in so if he is selectively telling them only stuff you do that upsets him and then cherry picking only the answers that make him look good it’s worthless. My DSIS last two partners were very controlling. Both went to counselling as a sop to stop her leaving. Both ended up saying my counsellor says it’s your fault I get angry because you trigger me. It’s nonsense for these type of men to go to counselling because they don’t want to reflect on their behaviour.

Laylajayney - wrong thread?

Sorry about that -I started a new thread .

“Find his people” what absolute wank. I read a lot, so does my best friend and we talk about reading loads.... have never made a song and dance about it.

Agree with the counselling. There are so many different things people get out of counselling - the 2nd time I went i spent the whole sessions really hating myself and blaming myself for everything that wasn’t even my fault and the counsellor wasn’t helping me to get out of that mindset at all, which was not very productive.

^i do everything he asks

Why?^

Because I AM naturally untidy, I have dislexia and dispraxia so I have to be very careful of my surroundings or they become untidy very quickly. I know that this is not fair if I live with someone who naturally likes things neat so I am happy to be shown how to live a more organised existence. I’ve posted about this in the past but my mother is a hoarder so I never really learnt how to have a normal home, I’ve had to really really work on being an organised tidy person.

Things I like about him.

He’s funny, we get on really well when he’s not being a twat, weirdly I also think he adores me he just is very insecure.
He’s generous and affectionate and we share values. He’s also stable and we have a lovely quiet home together. He’s just sometimes a massive twat.

His family feel the same about him.

What a stressful way to live OP
Problem is, he'll never change
He is abusive you know?
I am going to have to give you my first LTB of 2019

He showed you that your jumper was on the wrong sort of hanger?! Controlling and shaming you are not positive attributes. Why are you with him?

Set him on the "clean, cook and tidy your own bloody house" challenge

He sounds like a self-important insufferable git. I would not find a man who has to boost his own ego by putting down others attractive. I would not find a man with his nose in a book rather than doing his share of housework, or actually spending time talking with me and being present in our relationship, attractive. I'd certainly not want to share a bed or a building with a man who mocks his own mother, or only lifts his nose out of a paperback to call me upstairs to criticise me about a pissing clothes hanger

Perhaps this is the year to seriously consider upping your cleaning and tidying game and sweeping this twat out of your life for good in the words of that famous author Marie Kondo, "keep only that which sparks Joy in your heart"

He sounds awful. Does he have any redeeming qualities, sorry if i missed it.

Have you called him out over it? if so what happened? If not, are you going to now?

I can tell you exactly where that hanger would be if my dh has said that to me!

Your husband is incredibly rude and arrogant! I love reading and am a grammar pedant but I would never insult, belittle or criticise anyone else about these things.
You will never live up to your DH's standards so don't bother trying, just leave him and find someone who will love and appreciate you for all your lovely qualities.

He sounds pretentious and exhausting

He also picks apart people’s grammer all the time, so last night his mam posted a picture of herself on the family chat and a post about how she was ready but not looking forward to going out because she’s worried about a family member that’s in hospital and Dh just replied with ‘they’re’*

Possibly you are not quoting accurately but the correct correction is his mother was worried about a family member "who is in hospital" or similar- not "they're"

"I'm really worried about Aunt Jean, who is in hospital at the moment " or I'm really worried about Aunt Jean because she is in hospital" or I'm really worried about Aunt Jean. She is in hospital"

Unless Aunt Jean has identified her pronouns are "they" his correction is wrong.

I’m actually surprised by these comments, I thought it would be split into people telling me that I hadn’t read much and to get over myself

Really?

Come on lass, it's time to push back. If I was summoned to the bedroom to get a telling off over a hanger I'd dump the jumper on the floor and tell him to fuck off. Stand up for yourself, tell him if the cleaning isn't to his standard then he can do it from now on. Why are you putting up with it?

OP he sounds really hard work. Cut your self some slack and ignore his bitter comments. If you intend to stay with him you need to either get him to change, which he won't, or just completely do your own thing and dont give a shit about what he says. Get on with pleasing yourself and dont dance to him tune anymore.

Yeah I call him out on it all the time.

I usually vary between using humour to diffuse it and waiting until he’s calm and asking him if he thinks his behaviour is acceptable.

He usually sees straight away what he did wrong and says he’s sorry and then is good for a bit.

When the coat hanger thing happened I waited for him to calm down and pointed out that it’s classic abuse so much so that one of the most famous scenes of domestic abuse in cinematic history is because someone uses wire coat hangers. (I might not have read as many books but I have seen many more films than him lol).

'Why don't you show me how it should be done, then?' is what you say after the next moan.

But I feel that I do everything he asks but then he moves the goalposts.

I can see your reference to abuse in your last post, but do you understand everything you've described here is classic coercive control?

And no coercive controller is a nasty git 100% of the time - that's part of it. Nobody would get sucked into abuse if the person didn't have better moments.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? Because the only way in which he will change will be to become worse. As evidenced by him using counselling to tighten his control of you and trot out "professionally accredited" justifications for his vile behaviour.

He's taken advantage of your uncertainty about what is a normal level of tidiness as a way to normalise what is deliberately abusive behaviour on his part.

There's no such thing as a little bit of abuse, or an acceptable level of abuse, no matter how hard you try to forget about the endless soul destroying times when things are calm.

If you're not sure where I'm coming from: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You will literally never be able to do anything to his standards, even if you dedicated the rest of your life to the task, because his sense of power over you is dependent on finding ways to put you down and correct you.

It's that sense of power that he thrives on.

All that reading yet so little wisdom

Oh I'd be dropping that into the conversation. A lot.

I agree with gamer chick, plus, having made my point, I'd stomp off, find a book and make a point of reading it to the ostentatious neglect of all domestic matters. Including cooking. If asked about the next mealtime, I would meekly reply that, as I can't reach his exacting standards, I feel it's futile to try, and I'm waiting for the demonstration of how to do it to perfection.....
I would make it clear that I only expect constructive criticism, e.g. "That glass is slightly smeared, shall I give it another polish?"
As for the grammar correction; it was my job when I was a teacher to pick up on grammar and spelling, and I would emphasise the value of clarity when putting thoughts across, but it's the thought which matters; missing the whole point of the posting was not only rude, but heartless; his Mum's worried, for goodness sake.
If he expects people to remember every detail of his life, have you tried quizzing him on the minutiae of other people's lives?
He needs a mirror turned on him.