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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you find this irritating?

165 replies

Calvinsmam · 01/01/2019 09:47

Totally happy to be told I’m being unreasonable but this is something that’s been irritating me for a while and I want to gauge if I’m overreacting.

My dh is a prolific reader. He set himself a challenge to read a hundred books in 2018 and he more than hit his target, he finished the year reading Infinite Jest in two weeks and because he wanted it finished before 2018 ended he has spent a large portion of the holidays reading.

Last night we had a friend over and she was asking me recommendations for books and my dh started going on about how he doesn’t know any ‘readers’ and that everyone he’s close to is just glued to their phones all the time and he wishes he knew people who were more on his level.

I found this really hurtful as I DO consider myself a reader, I don’t keep track but according to my kindle I’ve read 29 books this year and I also read normal books on top of that and I listen to audible pretty much constantly.

I just don’t make a big songs and dance about it.

Not to drip feed but I’m also dyslexic, so I get on with audiobooks a lot better than written books.

I totally understand that he reads way more than me but he reads way more than any normal human being ever. I also don’t mind him saying he’d like to make friends with people with similar interests as him, quite frankly I’d like him to too.
But it’s just the way he picks at me for ‘always being on my phone’ and ‘You wouldn’t understand because you’re not into books’, he’s just very superior and quite frankly makes me feel like he thinks I’m thick.
He also picks apart people’s grammer all the time, so last night his mam posted a picture of herself on the family chat and a post about how she was ready but not looking forward to going out because she’s worried about a family member that’s in hospital and Dh just replied with ‘*they’re’.
It just really annoys me!
Aibu or would this irritate you too?

OP posts:
OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 01/01/2019 11:36

You "waited for him to calm down?" You mean he was angry?! About a hanger for one of your jumpers? Bizarre.
Whether or not reading 100 books is an achievement surely depends upon how long the books are. 100 Rainbow Fairy books wouldn't quite cut it, after all. Or maybe he's a slow reader?
Either way, perhaps you might have read a few more books if you hadn't been taking on quite so much of his share of cleaning duties.

maras2 · 01/01/2019 11:41

This is the kind of eejit that gives voracious readers a bad name Angry.
Oh and that counsellor sounds rubbish, 'You're the man' Hmm My Arse!

Juells · 01/01/2019 11:45

He called me upstairs the other day to point out that I had used the wrong hanger for one of my jumpers and told me I had ‘no respect for my clothes’ and it made me want to leave the house and never come back.

WTF!!!! Why didn't you? That's absolutely abusive and bullying.

...and the winning post on this thread is:
humblesims
I think he’s on the spectrum a bit
the twat spectrum?

🤣

LanaorAna2 · 01/01/2019 11:46

Give DP Middlemarch by George Eliot. Grin

Sexnotgender · 01/01/2019 11:47

The books thing is a bit of a red herring. The guy’s just a pompous self important, self indulgent arsehole.

He thinks he’s better than you.

Hornets · 01/01/2019 11:51

my mother is a hoarder so I never really learnt how to have a normal home, I’ve had to really really work on being an organised tidy person

My home was like this I know where you are coming from.

Set yourself a challenge this year to read 1 book and that book is Spark Joy (the Japanese Art of Tidying) by Marie Kondo (as someone mentioned upthread). It not only shows you how to tidy efficiently, it teaches you how to think about being tidy.

I'd still LTB though.

Original poster
Calvinsmam · 01/01/2019 11:52

hornets

I love that book, my house is totally Marie kondo’d, changed my life.

OP posts:
PatchworkDoll · 01/01/2019 11:57

Hi, I can’t believe I’ve just registered to comment on this thread but this lady’s husband has me seething in rage.
I, too, am dyslexic, and have spent my lifetime battling other people and family members’ negative and belittling opinions about my abilities to do anything. OP, your husband is the same, he thinks he is superior than you. The fact he criticises how you put your clothes on a hanger and your cleaning skills speak volumes about his character. Next time, tell him to shove it and do it himself and hand him your clothes to put away. I can assure you he won’t like you sticking up for yourself, the sooner you start the better for your own sake and self-esteem.

ChesterGreySideboard · 01/01/2019 11:59

He’s funny, we get on really well when he’s not being a twat, weirdly I also think he adores me he just is very insecure.
He’s generous and affectionate and we share values. He’s also stable and we have a lovely quiet home together. He’s just sometimes a massive twat.

Just read that back.
You honestly couldn’t think of anything nice to say about him.
Ask most people to describe what they love about their partners and it would be very different to that.

As for the thing about him being the woman in the relationship, I’m staggered that any counsellor would say that.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 01/01/2019 12:01

Holy shit.

I read a lot, my husband doesn’t at all. It’s fine!!!!

People like that do my head in, it’s like are you actually reading and understanding what you read or are you just trying to tick off another book on the list?

ohtheholidays · 01/01/2019 12:06

He is a Narcissist OP!

This is nothing to do with being a bit on the spectrum!

He expects everyone to remember all details about him,that is called Narcissism!

He sounds like he's Gaslighting you alot as well,you should really think about getting out of this relationship OP,no one deserves to be treated this way.

brizzledrizzle · 01/01/2019 12:09

He does sound a challenge to live with, I love reading but I do it when I wouldn't be doing anything else that needs doing - in the bath or in bed.

peridito · 01/01/2019 12:11

Oh come on
^He’s funny, we get on really well when he’s not being a twat, weirdly I also think he adores me he just is very insecure.
He’s generous and affectionate and we share values. He’s also stable and we have a lovely quiet home together. He’s just sometimes a massive twat^

those are very good things to say about someone.

It's easy for us all to be shocked by his behaviour but we're not there are we .It does sound as though there is good in the relationship and that the OP recognises his behaviour is not acceptab;e .

I think ,especially as he has opted for counselling before that couples counselling might help .

startingafresh1 · 01/01/2019 12:13

That sounds so annoying.

I've never understood why people think it's ok to correct others' spelling or grammar. Some people struggle with these things- why point them out and make an issue of them. It's just rude IMO.

It's like saying "oi you who is poor at spelling, let me rub your nose in it because it's something that I'm good at".

ginghamstarfish · 01/01/2019 12:21

Tell him to go on Goodreads - they have a thing where you can set a yearly reading challenge - he can do that next year and see what other avid readers do - and maybe stop bragging as there are many who read more than him!

fireworksscarethedogs · 01/01/2019 12:22

My ten year old reads more than him.

He sounds like an obnoxious bully.

Belindabauer · 01/01/2019 12:28

I also think the book thing is a red herring.
I can't believe he kicked off over a cost hanger, seriously.
It's like a scene from the Julia Roberts film, I can't remember the name, where she cakes her own death to escape a controller by bastard.
Even he didn't kick off over a cost hanger.

I agree with the poster up thread. I would start by challenging him every time he critisises you. So if he says the bath is not clean. You then say come on then show me how to do it properly and wait until he does it. Do this every time.
Alternatively ltb as life is just too short to be spending it with such a knob.

Lemoneeza · 01/01/2019 12:30

I used to have business dealings with a man who prided himself on reading a book a day. He even had it on all his bios. He was a massive bell end.

SummerStrong · 01/01/2019 12:30

What a knob

diddl · 01/01/2019 12:30

He's a nasty, nasty man isn't he?

Told you off about how you hang your own clothes up?

No respect for clothes?

How do you not laugh in his face?

Original poster
Calvinsmam · 01/01/2019 12:32

To be fair I do laugh in his face a lot.

OP posts:
ChesterGreySideboard · 01/01/2019 12:36

What are either of you getting out of this relationship other than having someone to split the bills with?

mumsastudent · 01/01/2019 12:36

its not how much you read - its how much you either get from it or whether you understand: what the aim of the author was, the methods they used & the quality of the book & whether (most important) you enjoyed it - & not ticking the box for having read a number of books (says someone who used to read far more books a week (helps being an insomniac - you have extra uninterrupted time :) ) he is arrogant - has he been having problems at work?

percypeppers · 01/01/2019 12:37

Next time he has a go about being on your phone or being untidy, agree with him, and tell him you are moving out as he will clearly be happier on his own reading books and doing his own cleaning. Then do it.

He sounds like a complete and utter bore. I couldn't be doing with it and you sound like you deserve more.

LannieDuck · 01/01/2019 12:41

When he says how unclean the house is, how would he react to being told to go clean it himself?

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