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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you find this irritating?

165 replies

Calvinsmam · 01/01/2019 09:47

Totally happy to be told I’m being unreasonable but this is something that’s been irritating me for a while and I want to gauge if I’m overreacting.

My dh is a prolific reader. He set himself a challenge to read a hundred books in 2018 and he more than hit his target, he finished the year reading Infinite Jest in two weeks and because he wanted it finished before 2018 ended he has spent a large portion of the holidays reading.

Last night we had a friend over and she was asking me recommendations for books and my dh started going on about how he doesn’t know any ‘readers’ and that everyone he’s close to is just glued to their phones all the time and he wishes he knew people who were more on his level.

I found this really hurtful as I DO consider myself a reader, I don’t keep track but according to my kindle I’ve read 29 books this year and I also read normal books on top of that and I listen to audible pretty much constantly.

I just don’t make a big songs and dance about it.

Not to drip feed but I’m also dyslexic, so I get on with audiobooks a lot better than written books.

I totally understand that he reads way more than me but he reads way more than any normal human being ever. I also don’t mind him saying he’d like to make friends with people with similar interests as him, quite frankly I’d like him to too.
But it’s just the way he picks at me for ‘always being on my phone’ and ‘You wouldn’t understand because you’re not into books’, he’s just very superior and quite frankly makes me feel like he thinks I’m thick.
He also picks apart people’s grammer all the time, so last night his mam posted a picture of herself on the family chat and a post about how she was ready but not looking forward to going out because she’s worried about a family member that’s in hospital and Dh just replied with ‘*they’re’.
It just really annoys me!
Aibu or would this irritate you too?

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 01/01/2019 10:51

I think he’s on the spectrum a bit
the twat spectrum?

This. A twat is a twat, the spectrum has nothing to do with it. He is belittling you and others around him by inflating himself in a fairly unpleasant way.

I'm a voracious reader, I wouldn't consider 100 books a year exceptional. If I spent half the holiday not lifting a finger but reading just to boast about a target and sniff at those "not on my level" then I would be a twat who reads for bragging rights rather than content.

ChesterGreySideboard · 01/01/2019 10:52

The thing is op that you know he is being a twat, and you know you want out of this relationship, you just want MN to confirm it.

Please don’t have children with him.

PookieDo · 01/01/2019 10:52

I want to post something more constructive than ‘what a horrible little man’
I think he’s probably only semi aware how pompous he is - afterall, he must be right as you do as he instructs!
This is a form of control. He’s controlling his environment THROUGH you. By making you the ‘messy one’ he always has someone nearby to blame for everything.
I can probably guess that you are actually a very nice kind person and he sees this as a weakness he can exert control over to mold into exactly what he wants. Except he doesn’t really know what he wants, he just WANTS...

ushuaiamonamour · 01/01/2019 10:52

What a jerk. In general because he's unwilling to feel sympathyfor mother & her relative, for your dyslexiaand specifically for thinking he's a Very Special Reader. Like a lot of people I read more than 100 books a year, like most of them I don't consider that in any way an achievement, and like many of them I don't live amongst people who share my literary tastes. So what? He regards books simply as potential marks on a scorecard, which isn't far from resolving to collect packets of sugar from 100 cafes in a year.

I'd have such fun deflating him at every possible opportunity. I'd also take into consideration the nature of those books: I know you mentioned the Wallace (which I'd bet he read because it's fat & gets a lot of internet praise), but are a lot of those books mass-market stuff? If so & if he enjoyed them, fair play, but nothing remotely superior about that. If he claims to have got through 99 volumes of 19th-century German philosophy in a year though, he was just taking in words & not meaning. Ooh I want to hop on a ferry and call on ye so I can have a go at him.

If you possibly can, don't allow yourself to take this personally. It's a product of his own insecurity, not of your supposed shortcomings.

C8H10N4O2 · 01/01/2019 10:54

I think when I’ve not put something away properly he sees it as me not respecting his boundaries

Bully for him. How about he respect some of your boundaries?

But I feel that I do everything he asks but then he moves the goalposts

If your sister or best friend were to say this to you about their relationship what advice would you give them?

DeepanKrispanEven · 01/01/2019 10:54

We could all read 100 books a year if we never lift a finger to keep the house immaculately tidy.

When he bangs on about people being glued to their phones, have you tried the tinkly laugh and a "Goodness me, didn't you realise people download books onto their phones these days?"

What did you say to him about the coat hanger episode? If my DH tried that one on me I'd tell him to stop being a twat, which is probably why he doesn't do it.

gamerwidow · 01/01/2019 10:54

But I feel that I do everything he asks but then he moves the goalposts
That rings massive alarm bells I’m afraid. The issue isn’t you not reading enough or not cleaning enough. The problem is he is constantly looking for ways to belittle you and make you question your relative worth.
I would take what the counsellor said with a pinch of salt it sounds like you went in there and only talked about your different expectations about mess so that’s what they advised you on. If you had told them about him putting you down and having ridiculous expectations of you the advice you would have got from them would be very different. He is just using these sessions as another stick to beat you with which isn’t the point of them.

Original poster
Calvinsmam · 01/01/2019 10:55

Another thing he does (it’s all coming out now) is he gets really annoyed if people don’t remember details about his life.
So say he’s not gone to work because he has an appointment and I ask him why he’s not at work instead of being like ‘I’ve got an appointment today’, he’ll be like ‘think about it! I’ve already told you.’
And he’s like that with his parents too, he expects everyone to remember what he’s reading, what’s exactly going on for him at work, who he’s meeting, all the time.
It’s exhausting.

OP posts:
ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt · 01/01/2019 10:57

OK, so he has read all these books. What could he actually tell you about any of them?

gamerwidow · 01/01/2019 10:57

Oops I’ve seen that only he went to counselling in which case I would definitely pay no heed to what his telling you!

Shesellsseashellsontheseashore · 01/01/2019 10:57

I love reading but I've hardly read any books this year as I just don't have time and feel like I snatch chapters here and there. I'm also a teacher and can spot grammar mistakes very easily but I choose not to be a twat and correct people(family or strangers) when I can fully understand what they mean (children in my class not included 😁)

You may believe your husband might be on the spectrum somewhere but that doesn't mean you can't challenge him/pick him up on his behaviour. 'Reading 100+ books in a year does not make you superior to everyone and other people are perfectly capable of holding a conversation with you'.
'Your response to your Mum was incredibly rude, she was not asking you to correct her grammar. People who correct grammar like that come across as smug, superior and a right twat to be honest. Maybe add a book about that to your reading list'.

Twillow · 01/01/2019 10:58

The book thing is a quite irritating but the hanger thing is awful.
Redeeming features?

gamerwidow · 01/01/2019 10:58

he expects everyone to remember what he’s reading, what’s exactly going on for him at work, who he’s meeting, all the time.
It’s exhausting.
And in return what level of interest does he show in your life?

Santaisfastasleepatlast · 01/01/2019 10:59

Take up the challenge yourself this year. Let him see how much time it consumes. Leave the mess for him as you wil be too busy this year. Like he was last year.
Sounds like he wants a bloody sticker for every book he has read tbh!!

CountessOfNowhere · 01/01/2019 10:59

He sounds like an insufferable cock-waffle, but the commenting on his mum's post about being worried for an ill relative pushes him into complete unfeeling bastard territory.

PookieDo · 01/01/2019 11:00

@Calvinsmam

Oh dear. The more you post the more it’s obvious he’s very self centred and worse still, has no self awareness. People like this never change because they have no self awareness

Littleraindrop15 · 01/01/2019 11:01

Oh my god I don't say ltb very often but this guy sounds like he is taking the piss and on top of it killing you off in the process. Find someone who actually appreciates you and doesn't act like your father. New year new man sounds like the way to go.

DeepanKrispanEven · 01/01/2019 11:02

Did you see the counsellor, or was that just him on his own? Because if the counsellor was any good, I'd be prepared to bet that your partner cherry-picked what the counsellor said - a good counsellor would have got him to think about the standards of tidiness he expects, whether they're reasonable, whether you need to compromise a bit in a relationship, and how much he contributes to tidying and cleaning himself. If the counsellor really only validated his feelings of superiority, they're a crap counsellor.

DeepanKrispanEven · 01/01/2019 11:03

Does this relationship give you anything that's worth all the exhaustion, feeling inferior, discomfort and all the rest of it, OP?

Original poster
Calvinsmam · 01/01/2019 11:04

I think they were a crap councillor because they also told him that he’s the woman in the relationship and I’m the man, so he’s very needy and I’m more stand offish and need space.

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 01/01/2019 11:06

He is abusive and controlling OP. Calling you upstairs to point out your 'error' with the clothes hanger is a huge red flag. This way oversteps the mark from wanting a clean and tidy house.

Did you ever see the film Sleeping With The Enemy with Julia Roberts where she's given a beating by her husband because the tins weren't facing front in the kitchen cupboard and the hand towel wasn't hanging properly?

This is no way to live your life.

Shimy · 01/01/2019 11:06

He corrected his DM’s grammar on family chat? on a serious post where she was worried about someone? He’s an utter disgrace. He humiliated his mother just to be ‘correct’, hopefully other family members can now see him for what he is.

No wonder his unstable appetite to fill his head with books, he knows it’s empty. Unfortunately what he’s looking for is wisdom and it’s obviously not in any of the books he’s been reading.

RosaAbsolute · 01/01/2019 11:06

i do everything he asks

Why?

Shimy · 01/01/2019 11:09

‘’Insatiable “

ChodeofChodeHall · 01/01/2019 11:09

think they were a crap councillor because they also told him that he’s the woman in the relationship and I’m the man,

Of course they did.

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