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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you find this irritating?

165 replies

Calvinsmam · 01/01/2019 09:47

Totally happy to be told I’m being unreasonable but this is something that’s been irritating me for a while and I want to gauge if I’m overreacting.

My dh is a prolific reader. He set himself a challenge to read a hundred books in 2018 and he more than hit his target, he finished the year reading Infinite Jest in two weeks and because he wanted it finished before 2018 ended he has spent a large portion of the holidays reading.

Last night we had a friend over and she was asking me recommendations for books and my dh started going on about how he doesn’t know any ‘readers’ and that everyone he’s close to is just glued to their phones all the time and he wishes he knew people who were more on his level.

I found this really hurtful as I DO consider myself a reader, I don’t keep track but according to my kindle I’ve read 29 books this year and I also read normal books on top of that and I listen to audible pretty much constantly.

I just don’t make a big songs and dance about it.

Not to drip feed but I’m also dyslexic, so I get on with audiobooks a lot better than written books.

I totally understand that he reads way more than me but he reads way more than any normal human being ever. I also don’t mind him saying he’d like to make friends with people with similar interests as him, quite frankly I’d like him to too.
But it’s just the way he picks at me for ‘always being on my phone’ and ‘You wouldn’t understand because you’re not into books’, he’s just very superior and quite frankly makes me feel like he thinks I’m thick.
He also picks apart people’s grammer all the time, so last night his mam posted a picture of herself on the family chat and a post about how she was ready but not looking forward to going out because she’s worried about a family member that’s in hospital and Dh just replied with ‘*they’re’.
It just really annoys me!
Aibu or would this irritate you too?

OP posts:
Mousetolioness · 01/01/2019 12:42

The non-twattish thing would be to discretely hang your jumper on the approved type hanger and then say nothing! That would then be a little act of love and caring, not a stick to beat you with (or rather, for the benefit of people like him, 'a stick with which to beat you').

Original poster
Calvinsmam · 01/01/2019 12:43

When he cleans the house himself he makes such a song and dance about it, it takes him forever so we can’t do anything fun because he’s cleaning the house.

OP posts:
Juells · 01/01/2019 12:45

To be fair I do laugh in his face a lot.

I tried that with my ex, it didn't have any effect. He wanted me to feel like shit, it wasn't him-just-being-him, so jokily pointing out that he was being ridiculous didn't work. He'd just change tactics to something else.

Original poster
Calvinsmam · 01/01/2019 12:45

I had a thread about the cleaning in the past and loads of posters said it sounded like he was on the spectrum and that I needed to cut him some slack and work with what he COULD do.

OP posts:
MadameButterface · 01/01/2019 12:52

Life’s too short to put up with cunts like this sorry

OyOy · 01/01/2019 12:53

I think he’s on the spectrum a bit.

OP, I'm sorry you're unhappy - but please don't do this...

Original poster
Calvinsmam · 01/01/2019 12:54

Thanks everyone, this thread has really made me think.

I feel like a fool because I’m not a stupid person and I would be the first person to be saying LTB if it was someone else.

It’s so fucking difficult to know when something saveable

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 01/01/2019 12:54

...it takes him forever so we can’t do anything fun because he’s cleaning the house.

Then go do something fun without him.

RandomMess · 01/01/2019 12:54

Any comments about the cleanliness or tidiness I would have a stock answer "It's perfectly fine, if it's not to your standards that is your issue feel free to improve on it"

You are male allowances for him possibly being autistic what allowances is he making for your dyspraxia and dyslexia that make all this stuff much harder for you?

mogtheexcellent · 01/01/2019 12:54

Please tell me he is hung like a horse - cant see how you have not already strangled him otherwise.

Laylajaney · 01/01/2019 12:57

You need to have a very long talk about the way his towards you .

RoseBromley · 01/01/2019 13:07

This reply has been deleted

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DaphneBlake101 · 01/01/2019 13:08

100 books a year is literally nothing to write home about and certainly doesn't make you superior to anyone. I work full time, study for a degree and still average 20 books a month - it just means I have to spend more money on books than my husband who reads one book every couple of months. If you enjoy reading, it doesn't matter if you only read one book every decade. Your husband sounds like a tool!

Stardustinmyeyes · 01/01/2019 13:09

I agree that the best comment is the twat spectrum
This is emotional abuse and could be the start of a very unhappy life for you
You said weirdly he adores me, he doesn't, he just wants you to think he does.
This is how it starts as a pp said no one is abusive all the time.
He will get worse and worse until you're on your knees begging him not to treat you like shit
Get out now while you still can. Don't go to counselling with him because it will end up being all your fault
Run op run

OneFootintheRave · 01/01/2019 13:14

I think he’s on the spectrum a bit
the twat spectrum?
GrinGrin

subspace · 01/01/2019 13:29

To the other person who mentioned me mentioning Marie Kondo (sorry, I've lost your comment) ... I'm not recommending she reads it to improve her tidying, it sounds like she keeps a perfectly fine house! I mentioned to draw the parallel between home tidying and her man, whom I think home-tidying guru Marie would be the first to kick out!

it takes him forever so we can’t do anything fun because he’s cleaning the house

You've heard of men deliberately being useless as housework as a manipulation tool to get you to just do it, yes? He's managing to do that AND pull the "I'm so superior" over you. Swanky. Go out and get your nails done or a nice massage (or to a coffee shop with a good book) while he's twatting about so he can't play you like this.

TwitterQueen1 · 01/01/2019 14:07

@Mousetolioness
The non-twattish thing would be to discretely hang your jumper on the approved type hanger and then say nothing! That would then be a little act of love and caring

So you're not only condoning, but actively encouraging submission to abusive behaviour? Wow. Little wifey must absolutely be held to account when she does something DH perceives to be 'wrong' and correct her behaviour? Seriously? You need help more than the OP does.

Zeb81 · 01/01/2019 14:21

Please reread she is saying the non twattish thing for the (D)H to do would be that IF he was actually doing it out of caring for the OP and her clothes

TwitterQueen1 · 01/01/2019 14:30

Oh phew! Thank goodness! Your post was not clear mouse.

ChesterGreySideboard · 01/01/2019 16:14

It’s so fucking difficult to know when something saveable

But why would you want to save it? What would you gain by saving this relationship, op?
He won’t change. He’s not going to suddenly become a different person any more than you are. He is sure he is right, why should he change.

Mousetolioness · 01/01/2019 18:08

Ooh... agree it could have been written more clearly. I'm sorry for causing a misunderstanding. Obviously I meant the non-twattish thing would have been for HIM to sort out the hanger, quietly - no need for the chuffing righteous lecture.

Every time I am subjected to a lecture on my failings in my own home from he who 'can do no wrong', my regard and respect for him is diminished.
It's all cumulative - and the resentment on my part builds up.

So... for the avoidance of any doubt, there's not a cat in hell's chance I would ever condone or suggest anyone submit to abusive behaviour!

TwitterQueen1 · 01/01/2019 18:11

Sorry I ever doubted you mouse Xmas Blush

Original poster
Calvinsmam · 01/01/2019 18:11

^Every time I am subjected to a lecture on my failings in my own home from he who 'can do no wrong', my regard and respect for him is diminished.
It's all cumulative - and the resentment on my part builds up.^

Yup.

I’ve spoken to him about it all and he seems shocked that I’ve been feeling this way.
He seems genuinely sorry and has said he will try to be better and I’m to call him out on it in future.

We’ll see.

OP posts:
Mousetolioness · 01/01/2019 18:55

Twitter, I can see how my post managed to read the exact opposite of what I meant, so really I must apologise, not you! Smile

Pachyderm1 · 01/01/2019 18:57

He sounds absolutely tedious, YANBU!

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