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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dating a man who is long term separated but not seeking a divorce

308 replies

Eulalia2 · 31/12/2018 17:09

I am a widow of 3 years and started a relationship with a man 9 months ago. It’s quite serious and we see each other almost every day and we spend the night together 2 nights a week. He’s been separated for 8 years. I asked him why he’d never divorced and he said at the time of the break up he felt it was less traumatic for his kids, older two were in the their twenties and youngest was 14. I’ve hinted that I feel that he’s not really free for me and he’s said he would do something about it in the future. Whenever it comes up he’s always very vague or just doesn’t speak. I know there is nothing between them as she’s living with somone else although their relationship isn’t that great. He finished with a rather causal but long term relationship almost a year ago. I think he feels its too soon to talk about our future but when is the right time? I’ve been quite ill mentally and only just started feeling better recently and he even said I might not want to stay with him. However I love him to bits and he’s said the same to me. I suppose what bothers me is that regardless of how he feels it works out with us he doesn’t have the incentive to actually take that step and divorce her. Is it just a man thing that men won’t do that unless pushed to? Should I back off or should I talk more?

OP posts:
Tryingbutfailingmiserably · 31/12/2018 17:11

Could it be to do with finances?

Hazlenutpie · 31/12/2018 17:11

I have to say this feels a bit weird to me. Definitely talk to him some more, you need to know where you stand.

Whataboutbobbo · 31/12/2018 17:14

Perhaps he does not want to get married again so sees divorce as pointless?

EverythingsDozy · 31/12/2018 17:14

Could very well be due to finances. I've been separated 5 years (today actually! Hooray!) and just can't afford a divorce. You can do it online on the gov.uk website for court fees which is around £550 I think. Might be worth suggesting gently?

WhoWants2Know · 31/12/2018 17:15

I've known quite a few people in that situation, where the situation was amicable enough that there was no urgency about divorce

SignOnTheWindow · 31/12/2018 17:19

I was in your position once (also a widow)

We talked about it and it he was dragging his feet because of the thought of the admin. There was also, I think, a bit of fear about the finality of it. Not because he wanted to go back to his ex, but more a feeling that he'd 'failed'. He sorted it out and the divorce went through amicably. We eventually broke up for different reasons...

Talk to him, don't hint. I know it's difficult, but it will clarify things for both of you.

Original poster
Eulalia2 · 31/12/2018 17:22

He could afford it. He’s not said he doesn’t want to get married again. Hope to talk about it this evening although it pisses me off that I have to be the one to initiate it. He says it’s just a formality but must realise that it still represents something.

OP posts:
Skang · 31/12/2018 17:23

I think it's reasonable to ask for a proper explanation in your position. You don't want to waste either of your time. There's no point in anyone playing games with backing off or refusing to answer.

Balibabe1 · 31/12/2018 17:26

I don’t mean to be rude but at 9 months into a relationship I would back off a bit, and certainly not bring it up tonight.

I would enjoy your time together and see how things progress. In 6 months time maybe revisit it.

KanielOutis · 31/12/2018 17:30

Maybe he doesn't want to commit to a new relationship. He can't progress your relationship to marriage if he hasn't ended his first marriage. I'd walk away and find someone who is free to commit.

Travisandthemonkey · 31/12/2018 17:30

My dad did this
When he was about 2 years into his new relationship he finally got a divorce
I think it just hadn’t been that important up to then

Trudstrundr2 · 31/12/2018 17:42

But "it's not important" is Bullshit.

As his wife, if he's ill or in an accident, she's next of kin to visit in wards or make medical decisions while incapacitated.

She's due any widow payment from the government even if you're arranging the funeral.

She's the assumed beneficiary if he has spouse benefits on his pension.

Inheritance tax makes their joint estate tax advantageous, NOT anything you build and leave for each other in a will.

Joint finances when it comes to credit reporting or debts - won't even begin to mention the horror stories common in that area, I'm sure some are obvious.

OP, I'd be out like a shot and tell him why - it IS important that he legally reflects the marriage breakdown, not least to protect other people he does supposedly care about.

And I'm only looking at this from a financial/basic legal POV.. I'll let others point out any moral, religious etc issues (as I think practicalities are universal, the other stuff is more down to our personal outlook).

Aquamarine1029 · 31/12/2018 17:44

Sorry, but this would be a massive red flag for me and a total deal breaker.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 31/12/2018 17:45

I'd been seeing my DP for 3.5 years and we were in the process of looking at places together and he was still officially married.

She was also pregnant with her new fella and DP still wouldn't discuss divorce as she was 'too delicate'.

I broke up with him shortly afterwards (and surprise surprise he got the divorce and finances sorted in about 5 months, it was my deal breaker for us getting back together - we are no closer to talking about marriage but at least I am reassured he's moved on!)

Original poster
Eulalia2 · 31/12/2018 18:11

In some ways you are right Balibabe it is quite soon but at my age - 53 I feel I haven’t got the time to spend on relationships that are going nowhere. I don’t know about the financial side of it, he said he had paid her half of a pension he had when they split up. I assume the terms of the separation meant she has no financial hold over him now but I don’t know enough about the legalities of it. He’s left all his money in his will to his kids but could she make a claim on it? I see what you mean about him being in hospital, I’d hate to think I’d not be able to see him.

OP posts:
Christmasisforadults2 · 31/12/2018 18:11

I'm still married to my exh, after 10 years separate. To begin with I couldn't be bothered, then he tried but didn't take responsibility for the break up which I wouldn't of minded if he hadn't of blamed me.
Then we both forgot and just did our own things.
I have recently applied but got the forms back as there was a mistake ( 3 months ago) and haven't had time.
It doesn't bother us at the moment. Both have new partners, it's more of finding time than trying to stay married or connected.

ConcreteUnderpants · 31/12/2018 18:25

OP i would be concerned that he does not want to talk about the future.
After 9 months together, I think you deserve to know if this relationship has legs.

JamieOliversChickenNugget · 31/12/2018 18:30

My male friend was separated 12 years before divorce. He didn't want another wife. He had the one daughter and no intention of more (vasectomy). Eventually he divorced but from what he said he didn't need to remarry, wasn't going to have more kids. The daughter was grown up when they divorced.

Doobigetta · 31/12/2018 18:31

Don’t do it. I have a friend who has been kept dangling like this for a good three years, maybe longer. I won’t go into detail because it’s pretty outing, but she has become more and more entwined and vulnerable, and it seems to me he is less and less likely to actually get the divorce- because he’s getting everything he wants without it, so why bother?

apostropheuse · 31/12/2018 18:42

You've only known him for 9 months, not long at all, so I would drop it for now. He might just not be ready to move things forward with you.

It alsi may be that he has no intention of ever marrying anyone again, so doesn't feel the need for divorce.

Original poster
Eulalia2 · 31/12/2018 18:45

The other issue is that he is going to renovate my house and split it into two. For all the work I will give him one of the houses. If he dies then it looks like his wife could make a claim on his estate here in Scotland. She doesn’t even need to be named in the will but can still legally get one third of his estate although not sue I think she can discharge her rights but doubt if she has. So this means that I would get nothing if he dies and lose my house. OK I know it would be his house by then but still seems unfair for her to get it!

OP posts:
JamieOliversChickenNugget · 31/12/2018 18:52

WHAT?????????????
Don't do that. Why are you giving him a house?

ConcreteUnderpants · 31/12/2018 18:53

what???!!!!
Stop OP. Just stop.
Why on earth are you giving him half of your house?!

Oh my goodness, still married, refuses to talk about your future and getting half your property. Please stop and think.

NotUsedBySomeoneElse · 31/12/2018 18:55

I think it’s fair to ask him to explain his reasons better. A lot of people aren’t comfortable dating someone who is legally married, even if there is no attachment, so you’d need to know that divorce was a long term plan even if neither of you intended to marry again. Or at least that there’s a good reason not to divorce.

I do know one person who won’t divorce because they’re both Catholic, and although they see other people they don’t believe that divorce is right for them. I know another person who has kids with his new partner but has never divorced his ex wife because he can’t really afford it. She was being very awkward about finances and he couldn’t aford to fight at the time. It’s his partner I’m friends with though, and I know it upsets her that it isn’t a priority for him.

apostropheuse · 31/12/2018 18:56

Good grief, are you completely mad? Why on earth would you think that's a sensible idea?