Dating a man who is long term separated but not seeking a divorce

[Eulalia2]

I am a widow of 3 years and started a relationship with a man 9 months ago. It’s quite serious and we see each other almost every day and we spend the night together 2 nights a week. He’s been separated for 8 years. I asked him why he’d never divorced and he said at the time of the break up he felt it was less traumatic for his kids, older two were in the their twenties and youngest was 14. I’ve hinted that I feel that he’s not really free for me and he’s said he would do something about it in the future. Whenever it comes up he’s always very vague or just doesn’t speak. I know there is nothing between them as she’s living with somone else although their relationship isn’t that great. He finished with a rather causal but long term relationship almost a year ago. I think he feels its too soon to talk about our future but when is the right time? I’ve been quite ill mentally and only just started feeling better recently and he even said I might not want to stay with him. However I love him to bits and he’s said the same to me. I suppose what bothers me is that regardless of how he feels it works out with us he doesn’t have the incentive to actually take that step and divorce her. Is it just a man thing that men won’t do that unless pushed to? Should I back off or should I talk more?

The other issue is that he is going to renovate my house and split it into two. For all the work I will give him one of the houses.

DON"T DO IT. Seriously, do not do that. You have no formal relationship with him - he does have a formal relationship with his estranged wife. Never mind him dying, if you give him a house while he's still married to his wife it would be taken into consideration if they got around to divorcing.

If he's not willing to get a divorce or even tell you his financial situation with his wife, he's not committed to you. Frankly, it sounds like he's stringing you along. Sorry if that sounds harsh. He may not be doing it with any malice or underhand intent but it's still a refusal to move on and be prepared to make a new commitment. It's also a bit odd that his estranged wife isn't asking for a divorce.

Bin him. Get some self respect and walk away. He is on the take, and you have a family to look after.

You dont need him to make you happy. You can do that yourself. X

do not sign over a house to this person. My god. If you want to renovate or whatever, get a proper arms length loan from an institution and hire proper arms length workers. If it is a good financial decision to renovate then you should be able to get finance. If it's not a good financial decision, don't bloody do it at all.

You have dependant children. You need to be careful of who you trust and how enmeshed you allow people to be in your lives. Especially when it comes to major financial assets.

Do not shit where you eat by entering into a convoluted enterprise with a man you have been dating for 9 months.

No not broken up. But am thinking of asking him for a date (in a year?) where we can review things and if we are still going strong then would he consider getting divorced then. Does that sound fair?

OP, regardless of whether he's obtained a Separation Agreement or not, DO NOT proceed with your house idea without impartial, professional advice.
I understand needing to repay labour and renovation materials costs, but it's a financial project in its own right, and it's utterly crazy to go at this from the POV that he's"given" a house afterwards.

Apart from anything, how does the gifting work from a legal POV? If you're splitting one house into two you need the conveyancing legalities properly dealt with, and there are tax implications that you need to consider (it's not my area but I know you need to check into this, you don't want to end up in a murkey tax situation because he's "renovated" a property as an ameteur and neither of you understand the implications). Which raises the other point - if it's done with a loan by a property company, you'll have timelines, quality criteria... A formal contract in place if (when!) Issues crop up. Doing some dodgey deal with a boyfriend doesn't offer you any protection - would his work be guaranteed, insured etc?

God there are so many financial and legal red flags here, do NOT just focus on the weird divorce bit now (that's bonkers enough on its own though).

Life - spoken to my sister but otherwise no-one and yes I do feel vulnerable.

Run like the wind. Find an unmarried boyfriend. If your house needs work take out a loan to do it and sign a contract with a reputable builder for the project.

This is not that complicated.

I have been separated for ten years. No plans to divorce. Have a new partner. Have kids under 16. Won't divorce until they're older; might marry my partner but frankly don't really want to get married again. My advice to you would be: DO NOT GIVE THIS MAN A HOUSE.
Everything else is negotiable. See a solicitor before you proceed any further on the house.

OP if you and your children are all struggling with MH issues i don't think you are in a good position to be selecting a partner.

You would be healthier in the long run to be single and concentrate on being you.

Just don’t do the house thing. That would be absolutely mad. So self destructive.

And he has no intention of getting divorced. He likes things exactly as they are. He’d happily snatch a fucking house off you - but he won’t get divorced.

Protect yourself.

So, get him to invoice you for the work, sell the house, pay him out of the proceeds, keep the difference. Much safer and cleaner. Especially as he is married to someone else.

Don’t know enough about divorce in Scotland to comment on the legal aspect...
...but giving him a sodding house?!?!

Op in the kindest way possible- you’re nuts if you do that.

Is your house the biggest asset you own? What if he does a shite job? Flogs the house you gave him? Doesn’t want to get divorced but is happy to take a house- Christ almighty.

Don’t do it. The divorce thing would piss me off and raise a huge red flag but please, please don’t give this man a house.

My kids (who are growing like weeds) have pairs of socks older than your relationship.

Don’t do it. Just get rid- or put the brakes on and see what he behaves like.

A widow has been in a relationship with a male realtive of mine. He has been separated from his wife for 20 years and never divorced. When they separated he promised his young children that he would never divorce their mother and that they would remain a family. He has no intention of breaking that promise because he wants to preserve his children's 'inheritance' - and does not want the widow's adult children to have a call on his assets (a house, a business, investments and savings). Perhaps your man feels the same?

It is unwise to let you heart rule your head when it comes to financial matters. You owe it to yourself to protect your assets and seek legal advice about the proposed property project. You are vulnerable and at risk of being swindled in this relationship, while your man takes no risks and a big prize at the end.

Good grief. Don't give this man your house!

Another thing worth looking into is whether you could sell house as it is and buy something smaller for your family in better condition. Depending obviously on how much your house is worth.

It maybe worth talking to a bank but would only take a loan if you can afford the repayments otherwise bank can repossess and they will sell at any price that covers their debt not at its value. If you haven't got savings would imagine you would find repayments tricky.

What's to stop him doing the Reno and getting part of the house and buggering off? He doesn't have to even bugger off back to his wife. Then he's selling his house for profit, tips his cap and says "thanks for the memories", and suddenly your half an investment down. He's making long term investment money out of you, and your paying him for privilege. He's getting his, belly, wallet, libido satisfied while you get half a house and not even a promise of future. He's not even bothered to future-fake you.

You need to think about protecting your children’s financial interests, not be obsessing over whether some bloke you’ve been having a relationship with for less than a year ever intends to divorce.

You are in grave danger of being completely ripped off.

Speaking as a widow with property....

He's playing you like a fucking Stradivarius. He has really seen you coming.

I'm part of a widow's group, a couple of whom have gone on OLD. The advice is: never date a divorced man, they always think they can do better.

This one's not even doing that.He's getting it all for fuck all.

"Getting it all" .

A lot of people, especially mature ones, don't see the point in divorce. To be honest, if my husband and I split, neither of us would bother.

The relationship you describe is quite charming, it's lovely that you enjoy each other's company so much. You get a lot out of it, it's good for you both.

Why change something that works so well? Enjoy what you have.

He doesn't want to get divorced because he doesn't want to get married again. He's not as into you as you are into him. What he is into is getting a house.
Whose idea was this that you would give him one of the houses in return for the work done - yours or his? Don't do it OP. Protect your assets and your kids' inheritance.

eulalia, please don't give this man half your house

The cost of labour and renovation does not equal the cost of a house. There are other ways of raising money, eg remortgaging, or just leave as it is for a few years. Speak to an ifa and get independent advice, this would be a very harmful thing to do for you and your children.

Apart from it being a terrible financial idea, if you did split up you may have him living next door.

Please protect your children and yourself.

You've said yourself, this relationship has run its course. He would rather stay married to his ex then start a proper future with you.

What supportive, loving person says you have to "sort out" your mental health and kids before they consider marrying you?

He's a dangerous person to be with, please cut him loose and start 2019 in a more positive way

He's playing you like a fucking Stradivarius

^this

He's still married to his wife, has made no commitment to you and still you want to give him your house??

Out of interest, do you know the wife? Do you know she really lives with someone else?

This smells like a giant con to me. It wouldn't surprise me if he takes the house and then decides to give his marriage "another try"

Dump him. Do not let him do the work on your house.

Yes, I'd be interested in knowing whose idea him getting a house was, too - your idea, or his?

I wouldn't be wasting my time on asking him if he would be prepared to rethink his position on the divorce in a year or so, either.

I'd call it a day, explain why, and if he's really into the relationship, he'll take the step of sorting out the divorce, but I doubt that will happen.

Someone upthread said end it, and concentrate on being you - I completely agree with this. He sounds out for what he can get, you sound vulnerable and quite naive.

He's going to gain a house, you're going to lose half a house - it's insane.

On an aside - how come you get to be living in a council house when you have your own property? have you just been left it in a will?

Oh, and even if he wants to sort the divorce out, I wouldn't be going ahead with the renovation plan.

It would be very easy for him to bullshit you, saying he'll sort it out, just so you agree to the renovation, but not actually go through with it.

I'd want nothing at all to do with this guy. You deserve to be happy, either on your own, or with someone else.