Dating a man who is long term separated but not seeking a divorce

[Eulalia2]

I am a widow of 3 years and started a relationship with a man 9 months ago. It’s quite serious and we see each other almost every day and we spend the night together 2 nights a week. He’s been separated for 8 years. I asked him why he’d never divorced and he said at the time of the break up he felt it was less traumatic for his kids, older two were in the their twenties and youngest was 14. I’ve hinted that I feel that he’s not really free for me and he’s said he would do something about it in the future. Whenever it comes up he’s always very vague or just doesn’t speak. I know there is nothing between them as she’s living with somone else although their relationship isn’t that great. He finished with a rather causal but long term relationship almost a year ago. I think he feels its too soon to talk about our future but when is the right time? I’ve been quite ill mentally and only just started feeling better recently and he even said I might not want to stay with him. However I love him to bits and he’s said the same to me. I suppose what bothers me is that regardless of how he feels it works out with us he doesn’t have the incentive to actually take that step and divorce her. Is it just a man thing that men won’t do that unless pushed to? Should I back off or should I talk more?

This is all going very fast OP. I appreciate you have seen each other every day but I thought it had been pretty much proven that hormones change after 28 months and it takes that long to really know someone. That's half that time and you have taken lifelong financial decisions together. I'm happily married and didn't move in together for over a year and bought a house after another year. No matter how much you love someone you still need to be realistic and protect yourself. Please slow down. Very few couples have talked about marriage after 9 months. And make wills together. What do you want to happen to his house if you die?

I understood it as he's renovating all of a large house and turning it into 2 properties and getting the smaller one after renovating both. But yes would be very worried about this. Unless smaller one would say only be worth £30k as is and he's doing £30k of renovations on what will be larger house. Even so needs proper professional advice.

I was going to say if you were looking for a future with a man, then don;t look for it with one who is still married and has no intention of divorcing.

And then I read your massive dripfeed update.

Just NO! FFS NO!

*18 months

If you are in Scotland, the financial arrangements are based on the date of separation. So what matters is if they have a Minute of Agreement in place, which has the financial details of the separation. This would normally include that the parties can no longer inherit from each other. As you say he gave her half his pension, it sounds like there was a separation agreement drawn up and registered.

The financial matters have to be sorted before a divorce can be granted, ditto child arrangements. If the children are over 16, the latter point does not matter.

If there is a Minute of Agreement, filing for divorce is a formality. Lots of people do not get around to doing it because matters are to all extents and purposes sorted and it is an additional cost.

If there is no separation agreement, then it is all a lot more complicated as you cannot get divorced until finances are agreed. The key date is date of separation though, so his wife would have no claim on anything of yours.

All that said, if you are planning to gift property to this man, I would say you need independent legal advice of your own.

OP, listen, at your age, have you learned and seen nothing of life?
You would be a very foolish woman to pay for reno's by signing over half a house. Get a contractor in for an estimste....then get a loan for that amount and pay him that way. His work will not cost the price of the house.
His kids get his house, your should get yours.

Indications that there is much more awry with your relationship and with you OP (and I mean not that you're not a nice person or anything like that - but your thinking and rationalisation of what's going on here) than the situation your post explains:
I’ve hinted... you want to give him a house and you can't even speak openly about stuff to him?!
I’ve been quite ill mentally and only just started feeling better recently... (this is a MAJOR red flag that you need to see OP - for YOU) - it's affecting you but you don't realise it
It is a few years down the line before I’d sign it over to him but don’t like the idea of losing it completely if anything happened to him... you will lose it completely, you're going to lose it to him!

Examples that show he's actually a total knobhead:
Whenever it comes up he’s always very vague or just doesn’t speak... he won't be honest and open because if he did he would have to tell you how he's deliberately love bombed you (I suspect) and that his intentions are to rip you off - that's why he can't talk to you normally - this is NOT the basis for a relationship let alone a scenario in which to give someone a house
He even said I might not want to stay with him - he's messing with your head because he knows that you're vulnerable and he's also red flagging himself (although you can't see it) he's ready to play even more perverse mind games which will load all responsibility onto you for if the relationship ends, as a way of controlling you so that you'll say 'don't be daft, I'll never leave you, I love you, I can deal with your shit and make you a better person' which is exactly the mindset he wants to get you into so you'll never call time on this.

Thanks for the replies. Just been to his and had a long talk, wanted to clear the air before the year ends. Said I didnt feel comfortable being with someone who is married and he said he felt completely floored as it had never been an issue before. However this is the first serious relationship he’s had since his marriage broke up. Says he doesn’t want to get divorced and upset the family ?? His kids I suppose although they are grown up. Something about being proud of the fact that they are still a family I think although can’t rem exact words. I think I’ve been a bit pushy. He said he’d get divorced “if I want to marry someone” but looks like he’d not consider it beforehand so we’ve reached a stalemate. I just have to put up with the fact he’s married or leave him if I feel it’s too uncomfortable for me. The house thing is in early stages. He did get some sort of financial separation. thing he told me tonight so she has no claim on him in that sense. So what do you think, if he’s still saying he doesn’t want to get divorced in a years time should I stick around or not?

Hmm. I think the issue is that he still sees his marital family as ‘family’, rather than himself as separate and father to DC (which is a different sort of family). He does not really want to be divorced, which is telling. He might reflect on what you say and come back with a different answer - but basically at the moment, you have said you are not happy that he is still married, he has said he is not going to change that ‘unless he wants to marry someone’ (not you?), so tough cookies. Is that a good basis for a partnership?

I would keep him out of any renovation plans.

He's talking bollocks. He's trying to tell you he's done some kind of financial clean break without actually getting a divorce? Rubbish. They are still married and therefore entitled to everything married couples are entitled to and still next of kin. God knows what yarn he's spinning his wife to explain where he is when he's with you. You are being well and truly played and are too vulnerable to see it.
If his kids were actually children then most people would understand him not wanting to upset them but he's separated so what difference does it make whether or not it's legal if he truly is separated? None. So he's lying. Sorry OP. Please wake up and get rid of this player.

No, if he is in Scotland, he can have a separation agreement without being divorced. This is how it works. You cannot get divorced without financial matters being sorted. But having a separation agreement is not a divorce.

My comment on reflection is that for all his talk of family, he has made sure his financial responsibilities are absolved and he is free to have a girlfriend. But yet retains the marriage tie for his esteem.

Perverse - confused, he’s not living with his wife? She has another partner and they live together.

Katara - he didnt say he wanted to marry me but would not really expect that after 9 months (having said that my husband told me he wanted to marry me after a few weeks). He said I need to get my mental health sorted out and my kids too, they are all teenagers and struggling.

Good god woman. Stop any further renovation. Seek legal advice and ensure you protect your assets.

Fucking hell. In the kindest possible way, you need a good slap! No one your age can be that naive surely?

Part of me wants to issue an ultimatum - get divorced or we finish. But suspect he’ll just let me go which just makes me feel worthless.

I would work on basis he doesn't want to marry you (not getting divorced, talks of marrying "someone" rather than you). It could be in time he will change his mind but I wouldn't bank on this, would say more chance he won't.

He could also be sticking around to make money out of you re house so you need either not to do this arrangement or get professional advice so you are not taken advantage of. Though even then if you split how comfortable would it be having houses next to each other.

I have been separated for 3 years, but not divorced and at this moment no plans to, I have and hopefully will date. I don’t see one as affecting the other.

I suspect as the finances are separated he may have a “judicial separation” as I do, it’s basically a legal contract to separate finances and lives without going through the pain of a list of unreasonable behaviour, which if you can split amicably is a shit thing to be forced to do.

I’m at a stage where processing the paperwork of a divorce could potentially upset the applecart so to speak. The results not worth the trauma at the moment.

Anyway just thought I would give you an alternative perspective!

Oh and if someone said my paperwork was upsetting their mental health I’d send them off to sort themselves out too, that’s not his issue!

He should know by now if he'd like to marry you, but I note he said "someone", so he's no intention of marrying YOU. Also, he and his wife are not still a family, what a strange thing to say.

You must stop the house renovation deal. Have you even sought legal advice about this arrangement? I guess not, because it's a really stupid idea.

Get legal advice before deciding anything. You say your MH has been bad, so you're very vulnerable. You need to protect yourself, because no-one else is going to be able to.

Happy New Year. Just feel so confused. Seems to me that he’d rather let me go than take the step of getting divorced. Totally crazy. It’s finished anyway. Am not asking him to do it right now, maybe in a year but when I asked him about next year he just said he didn’t know how he would feel then. Which isn’t exactly an answer. So he’s willing to let go of a perfectly good relationship rather than end something thats ended anyway, seems like cutting off his nose to spite his face.

My mum and dad have only just got divorced, 14 years after they separated. No real reason. They were separated, dijx the family home split stuff etc. Just didn't see the need. Got round to it eventually!

Unless you want to marry him, does it make a difference?

The house renovation sounds like a completely terrible idea. Just please get independent advice before you do that.

Cross posted. Have you broken up with him?

Why on earth would his adult children be upset by a divorce after all these years?

The house deal is rat poison squared for you.

Op, I am concerned about the house renovation..you are very fortunate to have a property and perhaps because this is a project you feel he is helping you with...from the outside he is big winner.

You don't have to share numbers but please ensure you have validated his efforts by getting outside comparisons. Go on the property board here and ask questions re costs. I have done a number of renovations so know likely costs and there are lots of people with experience.

Many women would not date a married man and it's a very valid reason to finish.I would not be with a man who stayed married when supposedly in a serious relationship.

You seen vulnerable, do you have family or friends who you can talk your concerns over with?