Dating a man who is long term separated but not seeking a divorce

[Eulalia2]

I am a widow of 3 years and started a relationship with a man 9 months ago. It’s quite serious and we see each other almost every day and we spend the night together 2 nights a week. He’s been separated for 8 years. I asked him why he’d never divorced and he said at the time of the break up he felt it was less traumatic for his kids, older two were in the their twenties and youngest was 14. I’ve hinted that I feel that he’s not really free for me and he’s said he would do something about it in the future. Whenever it comes up he’s always very vague or just doesn’t speak. I know there is nothing between them as she’s living with somone else although their relationship isn’t that great. He finished with a rather causal but long term relationship almost a year ago. I think he feels its too soon to talk about our future but when is the right time? I’ve been quite ill mentally and only just started feeling better recently and he even said I might not want to stay with him. However I love him to bits and he’s said the same to me. I suppose what bothers me is that regardless of how he feels it works out with us he doesn’t have the incentive to actually take that step and divorce her. Is it just a man thing that men won’t do that unless pushed to? Should I back off or should I talk more?

I don’t know, it has been good to hear from posters who are still married on this thread. It doesn’t have to be the end of relationship but it might signify you are incompatible with your life views.

I would say you are NUTS for letting him have the house whether he was married or not...you have only been together 9months. That is an insane decision. The marriage just further complicates that.

You have two realistic choices:

1. end the financial side of this relationship and enjoy it for what it is. No time limits and just accept that marriage is not important to this man or he feels 9months is far too soon to be talking about it.

2. End the financial side but also the relationship. Accept that him being divorced is very important to you and that if you force this issue you will always feel you forced it rather than he actually wanted too.

You're still not listening are you I'm out.

He clearly does believe in marriage but he doesn't want to be married to you, and he's been clear about that, Eulalia2 if you take the time to read and digest what other posters are trying to say.

I don't know if he's playing you or not wrt your house but I don't think this is about him, it's about you not fully listening to what he's saying and not respecting what he wants (or doesn't, in this case); which even though very different from your wishes, is not in itself wrong, IMO.

As being married is legally quite different from being not married, I wouldn't have anything other than a very casual relationship with a man who was still married to someone else. I would not be combining assets or finances and certainly wouldn't give such a partner a fucking house. Dick and company, that's all it would be.

Op a few things here.

1. Whatever you decide to do re the relationship moving forward, do not enter renovations with him. Many others here have given sound advice on that, follow it.
2. His comments regarding you needing to ‘sort out your mental health issues’ sound deeply uncaring and unkind. Who says that to someone they love?
3. You are very lucky in so much that it appears he is being very honest (to the point of being too blunt) with you. He has made it crystal clear to you that his priority remains his kids and family and He has no plans to divorce, listen to him.

OP, ultimately this is your life and you need to decide what you are ok with. If you are prepared to ignore your needs and your unhappiness to stay with him, do so. I doubt that this relationship will fulfill you however. I do get it though, it’s hard, once you’ve met someone and have invested time, energy and emotion into them (and love them), the thought of being alone becomes overwhelming. Suddenly compromise seems ok and the better option. I do understand. It’s hard, he’s making out that you are over reacting and (it seems) minimising your reaction. Which on top of the ‘sort yourself out’ comments doesn’t make me warm to him.

But you already know deep down that this compromise won’t make you happy, because if you were ok with it, you wouldn’t be here asking for guidance from us.

You say you see him every day. Is there a halfway house here. Can you see him less? Fill your time with other people, and gradually start to lessen the emotional connection? If ending it feels too extreme, can you summon someone in your support network to help create distance?

Please though OP, whatever you do, do not ‘gift’ him this house. Get proper advice and quotes.

Strange feeling about the situation and as a woman you need security in knowing where you stand in the relationship. Whilst it is in limbo do not make any long term plans with this man or give him half your house. He is still married and that has so many complications which later may come back to bite you.😐

Oh and OP I would add, not a chance in hell I would date anyone long term separated who has not divorced.
My view is that the process of divorce is in itself a severing emotionally and certainly for me and most people I know, it was brutal. I wouldn’t wish the emotional heartbreak in anyone. And I’m the one who was the petitioner in mine.
Until someone has been through that journey themselves, sorted finances and child arrangements, I wouldn’t get involved.

And I say that based on the fact that an uber lovely, handsome chap asked me out a few times before Christmas, just dinner he said. Amicable separation, separated 3 years. Not even started the divorce process. I kindly but bluntly outright refused even dinner and was clear with him why.

He and I have a lot in common, would probably have a great time, kids of similar ages who would get along. He’s my type so I also find him attractive. Still not dating him.

A widow has been in a relationship with a male realtive of mine. He has been separated from his wife for 20 years and never divorced. When they separated he promised his young children that he would never divorce their mother and that they would remain a family. He has no intention of breaking that promise because he wants to preserve his children's 'inheritance' - and does not want the widow's adult children to have a call on his assets (a house, a business, investments and savings). Perhaps your man feels the same?

If his priority is leaving his assets to his children PamAyres, why is he still staying married? He could divorce and then not remarry: merely divorcing in itself wouldn't give an unmarried partner or her children any claim on his assets. But as things stand, if for example his will were invalidated for some reason, the intestacy provisions would kick in, and they favour a spouse over children. Estranged or not.

This is England and Wales I'm talking about though, perhaps you're elsewhere?

He will do up the house, finish with you and then move his wife and kids in so that you have to live next door to his happy family. Then you will find out that he put all the nice stuff in his house and yours has been done on the cheap. And he won’t come round to fix the leaky plumbing.

Date the guy if you must, but do not give him your house!!

I fail to see how this thread is real. You are not answering questions about the house situation and you must realise how incredibly stupid it sounds to just give your house away to someone after 9 months, married or not.

Sell the big house as it stands and buy somewhere smaller that doesn't need fixing up. It really is that simple.
You could even buy your council house if that's permitted.

Well those are the worst case scenarios. If there was a valid will in the new partner's favour leaving the house and business to her, and the pension nomination was in her favour, she could've got them. But of course when you're not married, you have to trust that this has been done and been done properly. If you're married, then even if it hasn't, you get more protection. There's also inheritance tax to consider in some cases.

But yeah, this is part of the reason why I wouldn't have a serious relationship and certainly wouldn't combine finances or assets with someone who was still married to someone else. Ultimately, marriage is a contract. It potentially gives two people quite substantial rights in respect of each other, whether still in a functioning relationship or not. I wouldn't accept that in a partner.

Not a single poster has agreed that paying your boyfriend for his work with half your house is a good Idea. I hope you are paying attention to that. More fool you if you go ahead with it.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like this man cares that much about you. And I can see that, divorce aside, you are trying to paint him in a good light.

Hope your mental health improves. My guess is that it would if you were to cease have a relationship with someone who is eroding your self esteem.

He doesn't have the incentive to get a divorce but he does have the incentive to draw up plans to divide a house into two properties and carry out the renovations himself??
I'd be very surprised if your lovely builder man hasn't got form for this kind of thing.

I agree don’t give this man the time of day! You will regret it.

This has CON running through it like Blackpool rock. I got into a similar situation - he was separated 8 years, didn't want to upset the children etc etc . Two years in and after he had plundered my finances he moves back in with his wife ' for the children' and thinks we can just carry on the relationship.
It's taken me nearly 7 years to recover financially and I'm still not there.
Never ever trust a man who asks you for money.

Could his previous GF have had the same misgivings as you and that's why it ended?

An old work colleague seperated 20 years ago but never "got around to" divorce, and sadly passed away unexpectedly. The seperated wife and children (not the GF of 5 years) inherit everything and she is having to move out of their (his) home because, despite promises to her to the contrary, he'd never updated any legal paperwork - his will, pension etc. Enormous shock for her at such a difficult time.

Dont give him and his wife a house!!!
If you die your kids will lose out. If he dies his wife will get his estate.
Stay well out of this - it sounds like a long term scam.

If you are still seeing someone for your mental health might be worth running this by them because it might be partly what is making you vulnerable and also if they think you need protecting they can help put safeguarding measures in place. As you are a widow - missed that bit at first - quite possible its a scam.

Whose idea was it for him to do renovations and get given a house in exchange? Like how did that conversation even come about?

OP, I think the mental health issues you mention are very serious here and are clouding your judgment. This man has no intention of divorcing (probably because of the financial loss to himself), but asking him to 'review' things in a year sounds like you're begging him. Did he suggest the house transfer or did you?

IF you decide to stay with him, and IF you decide (after valuations and legal advice) to go ahead with the house renovation, why not draw up a rent contract with a peppercorn rent for a period which would add up to the cost of the renovations done by a builder. He gets financially compensated for his investment and labour and you and your children keep the house.
Having said all that, he doesn't sound committed... you can't find salvation in someone else.

She is the mother of his children, perhaps he actually wishes her to have the legal benefits that being his wife also affords.

OP I don't think you should go ahead with the house renovation.

He's also been quite clear that he's not considering getting a divorce. He's been clear you need to sort out your mental health and your children. I don't think he's that into you.

I would cool things and step away a little. Look after yourself and your children first. Stop dissecting what he may mean and listen to what he's actually said.