Dating a man who is long term separated but not seeking a divorce

[Eulalia2]

I am a widow of 3 years and started a relationship with a man 9 months ago. It’s quite serious and we see each other almost every day and we spend the night together 2 nights a week. He’s been separated for 8 years. I asked him why he’d never divorced and he said at the time of the break up he felt it was less traumatic for his kids, older two were in the their twenties and youngest was 14. I’ve hinted that I feel that he’s not really free for me and he’s said he would do something about it in the future. Whenever it comes up he’s always very vague or just doesn’t speak. I know there is nothing between them as she’s living with somone else although their relationship isn’t that great. He finished with a rather causal but long term relationship almost a year ago. I think he feels its too soon to talk about our future but when is the right time? I’ve been quite ill mentally and only just started feeling better recently and he even said I might not want to stay with him. However I love him to bits and he’s said the same to me. I suppose what bothers me is that regardless of how he feels it works out with us he doesn’t have the incentive to actually take that step and divorce her. Is it just a man thing that men won’t do that unless pushed to? Should I back off or should I talk more?

Op take a step back on the property. It is only worth spending money on something you want to sell if you can be sure that the money (plus factoring in the time delay in getting your money) represents a good investment. I would get an estate agent to give you two valuations for the property, firstly in the state it is in now and secondly in the completed state you envisage. You would only want to do the work if you are going to get substantially more for the refurbished one than unfurnished plus costs of work. Bear in mind you are likely to need planning to split a property up and my local authority (not Scotland) won’t grant this. You may find that it isn’t worth the candle.

System’s fucked up if you can get a council flat and tax credits at the same as having enough savings to pay for splitting a house in two AND owning said house in the first place

@ellisandra. I thought that

The house is unhabitable and I don’t have the savings, he is funding it. He doesn’t have her in his will why would he, he had to fork out a fortune to split from her, he’s hardly going to give her any more money. I think we’ve exhausted this topic now.

So he's funding your house renovation ... really? You said time and again he wasn't. I am confused by you. I can't imagine how he manages with you

I'm confused too.
Originally you said he was funding it, that's why you were giving him the smaller house.
Then after everybody advised against it, and suggested other ways to fund it, you said you did actually have the funds, so would use that.
Now you're saying he's funding it again.

You said you had the money to do it yourself.
As to it being uninhabitable... it’s not your fault if the system allows you to play it, but I am shocked that you can be allocated social housing when you own a saleable property.
That’s ridiculous.
There should be an order for sale if you’re allocated council housing, in my opinion.

Hi all,
Just to respond to a few reports - fwiw we don't have any reason to think that Eulalia2 is a troll. She has been on MN since it began, pretty much, so it would be great if everyone could post with that in mind (or not post, if the subject doesn't interest them). That's not to say that everyone has to agree, of course. but we will take a dim view of trollhunting, just as we usually do.