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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dating a man who is long term separated but not seeking a divorce

308 replies

Eulalia2 · 31/12/2018 17:09

I am a widow of 3 years and started a relationship with a man 9 months ago. It’s quite serious and we see each other almost every day and we spend the night together 2 nights a week. He’s been separated for 8 years. I asked him why he’d never divorced and he said at the time of the break up he felt it was less traumatic for his kids, older two were in the their twenties and youngest was 14. I’ve hinted that I feel that he’s not really free for me and he’s said he would do something about it in the future. Whenever it comes up he’s always very vague or just doesn’t speak. I know there is nothing between them as she’s living with somone else although their relationship isn’t that great. He finished with a rather causal but long term relationship almost a year ago. I think he feels its too soon to talk about our future but when is the right time? I’ve been quite ill mentally and only just started feeling better recently and he even said I might not want to stay with him. However I love him to bits and he’s said the same to me. I suppose what bothers me is that regardless of how he feels it works out with us he doesn’t have the incentive to actually take that step and divorce her. Is it just a man thing that men won’t do that unless pushed to? Should I back off or should I talk more?

OP posts:
pollyname · 01/01/2019 11:19

Please don't ignore the fact that almost every single post in here is concerned about the house. I'm concerned he has done a charm offensive on you and in 6 months you will be left with significantly less for you and your children. The fact he hasn't made himself available but still being married should be a huge red flag to you about your lack of importance to him.

Try and focus on activities you enjoy, join groups, meet new people. They might change your perspective on what is acceptable and what isn't.

AnoukSpirit · 01/01/2019 11:21

I think it's really sad that you're taking your entire sense of self worth from this man and how he treats you. You should be able to value yourself and feel valuable regardless of your relationship status or how others treat you.

In the nicest way possible, it is not a healthy basis for a relationship or the huge decisions you're discussing here. It's clouding your judgement, and I don't believe that you would consider it appropriate to give someone a house because you feel you "owe" them if you had an independent sense of self worth. I don't think you'd even have that sense of "owing" him if you had your own self worth.

Your reasoning for staying in a relationship should never be that you'd feel worthless if it ended. It's unhealthy, but more importantly makes you even more vulnerable than you already sound.

KataraJean · 01/01/2019 11:26

Needsasock nothing so altruistic- he is in Scotland and has a financial separation - his wife will have no legal benefits, his being married is a legal fiction which the law allows. It has no practical meaning.

Original poster
Eulalia2 · 01/01/2019 11:42

Thanks. Am now not sure about the house. We had a bit of an argument last night. I think I went over the top - he’s done a lot for me, completely redecorated my flat and he buys me things like clothes etc. Anyway said again wasn’t happy about him being married and that I just felt like his “bit on the side” - he got up to storm out of the door saying he’d never been so insulted in his life. Saw it as me throwing everything back in his face. After a bit calmed down and said it was far too early in our relationship to be making long term plans.

So, what do you think? Options are:

  1. Stick to my guns, say I dont want to date a married man and leave him.
  1. Accept it is too soon and leave things for just now and not mention it again
  1. Ask him if we can review things after a specified period of time. Advice on how long - when we’ve been together a year, 18 months etc.

Thank you.

OP posts:
rhopotomac · 01/01/2019 11:45

1

Magenta46 · 01/01/2019 11:47

Have you been to his house??

Motoko · 01/01/2019 11:50

It's up to you, I would not want to invest any more in a relationship that's going nowhere. It will be harder for you to end things in a year, if nothing's changed.

BUT, whatever you decide, DO NOT go ahead with the house thing. Please go and get proper LEGAL advice about this, and see an independent financial advisor to find out what financing options are open to you, and get some contractors round to give you quotes, and also speak to an estate agent about how much the houses would be worth, roughly, with the work done. It might be better financially, to see it as it is, and then use the money to buy somewhere else that you can live in.

Motoko · 01/01/2019 11:52

*sell it, not see it. And I would choose option 1, if I didn't make that clear.

DointItForTheKids · 01/01/2019 11:52

However having divided everything up legally in terms of finances according to those Scottish laws, he can't quite bring it upon himself to take the step to actually divorce her. The only 'investment' he has in the relationship with OP is the potential financial benefit from investing in doing the work to the house and getting a free house out of it.

He's got NO intention of marrying you OP - ever. He never, ever will. You are just wasting your time and wasting your life.

Several posters have said that it looks very much like you need to understand, acknowledge and accept that the MH issues you thought you'd come through are still affecting you tremendously and they are making you EXTREMELY VULNERABLE to this utter con artist.

Keep seeing him for a few more months and see if he changes his mind? No. I bet you if you said to him well mate, that's it, it's over, he'd then start pretending that he would marry you - until he finally took control of your house that is - and then you wouldn't see him for dust or the offer of marriage would be revoked so quick you wouldn't even feel it.

However by then you'd have given away half of the inheritance your children should actually receive, to someone who never wanted or intended to marry you, and to his children.

Sadly though I don't think you've absorbed a single thing on this thread judging by your last post where you intend to continue a relationship for many months more in the vain hope that he will suddenly see the error of his ways and say my god OP let's get married!

So I think all I can do is wish you good luck because I can tell you, that's literally the only thing that will save you from this because you certainly refuse to understand that you are with a manipulative chancer who is after your money/property, but is most assuredly not after YOU. He has more interest (fake or otherwise) in his 'previous' wife than he ever will have in you - harsh but true. Believe it or don't, act on all the support you've had or don't - inevitably what you do or don't do is up to you but I hope for your and your children's sakes that you kick him to the kerb, but have a horrible feeling that's not what you're going to do.

DointItForTheKids · 01/01/2019 11:53

Option 1 OP.

Almahart · 01/01/2019 11:53

I think 1. But if you are not ready to do that then I would put a halt to the renovation plan. Separate that out completely from the relationship. Then see

DointItForTheKids · 01/01/2019 11:54

See, as soon as you dared to state your case, he got angry and turned it back on you. Not a single thought about you - it's all about him!

And you're dancing and dodging around to fit in with what he wants all the time - what you want is not what he wants, that means this relationship is already doomed if you're not on the same page at all - and you aren't, not even slightly.

You need to end it.

Original poster
Eulalia2 · 01/01/2019 12:00

I don’t want to marry him, or at least not for a long time if it comes to it. I just don’t want him being married to someone else right up to the very moment if/when we got married. That seems to me his thinking. That he wants to remain married until I am serious enough and therefore it seems that she is more important to him than I am. Does that make sense?

OP posts:
Magenta46 · 01/01/2019 12:02

I think he is a player and you are making every excuse in the book to stay with him.

Almahart · 01/01/2019 12:06

He’s really manipulating you OP. Is there anyone in RL you can talk this through with?

DointItForTheKids · 01/01/2019 12:12

"Does that make sense?"

No.

Batteriesallgone · 01/01/2019 12:14

I agree you are being manipulated. Leave him.

crimsonlake · 01/01/2019 12:16

Firstly you have not been widowed all that long but are already in a 9 month relationship and seeing him most nights. Where are your children in all this? How do they feel? You are likely still grieving and perhaps rushed in to this. My advice would have been do not get involved with a separated man as he is not single but still legally married. Talking of marriage is too soon, either end it or pull back and see him on a more casual basis and see how it goes. Never mix business with pleasure and do not give him half your house.

Ellie56 · 01/01/2019 12:22

Option 1 and work on your mental health issues so you are stronger and more able to deal with important decisions for yourself.

I think he is stringing you along OP. It suits him to remain married as he has no intention of ever marrying you. And I wouldn't have him touch the house with a bargepole. Either put it on the market as it is or as PP advised, get advice from estate agents/financiers and quotes from reputable contractors.

Seriously OP -walk away now or at least tell him you've changed your mind about the house and decided you're not going to give him half after all (as it would be depriving your children of their inheritance) and are looking at alternative ways to finance the renovations.It would be interesting to know what his reaction is.

Original poster
Eulalia2 · 01/01/2019 12:32

just spoke to a RL friend who knows him.. She said just play it cool for a bit and see how things are in a few months. My kids like him BTW.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eulalia2 · 01/01/2019 12:34

I don’t think he has no intentions of remarrying, its just not an issue that has come up till now and he feels 9 months is way too soon to be making major life changes.

OP posts:
DointItForTheKids · 01/01/2019 12:37

Crack on them OP.

I'm out!

DointItForTheKids · 01/01/2019 12:38

*then

The4thSandersonSister · 01/01/2019 12:40

Good Luck OP your going to need it. I'm out.

KataraJean · 01/01/2019 12:40

Hmm. He has said he still likes the idea of being ‘family’, hence not having divorced. If he has a separation agreement in place, filing for divorce is not a big deal in Scotland. It is only a big deal if matters cannot be agreed, in which case it can drag on for years (which means people can find t very hard to get divorced).

I think you are in a no win situation here. You cannot force him to get divorced, that should be of his own volition. But equally, you should not feel indebted to him because he has done work on your flat - whereas it seems he wants to hold that over you.

Why has he done that if he is not serious and thinks your mental health needs more attention that your relationship with him? Would he have done it if you did not have a property you were planning to give him? Thing is, if you ask him, he will go off on one saying he is insulted that you are even questioning this.

Do not let him do any more renovations or unpaid work for you. Pay a tradesperson and keep any future relationship light and about having fun. It all seems far too involved for nine months in.