To be upset no-one came?

[anoelbthuthdy]

It's my birthday today, a big one. I don't live in the UK anymore but decided to throw a party back home to celebrate this milestone, with drinks, food and entertainment laid on. I invited people months in advance (with occasional reminders in between), and organised it on Sat just gone as that was the day most people could make. So we travel 500km, kids in tow, the evening comes and... 3 people turn up. 3. A few people did message that they/their kids were ill, but plenty of others simply didn't show. It was, quite frankly, humiliating.

AIBU to be gutted that no-one bothered to come? For context, I have thrown a couple of birthday parties over the years that were also poorly attended but those were on NYE itself, so I purposely avoided that this time. And this was a milestone birthday.

January birthday here, nobody wants to celebrate then either. Fortunately that also includes me.

I had similar with our Christmas party this year - it's been the same date for the last 20 years and in previous years I've had friends drop in for a quick drink before heading on elsewhere, no problem with that and it's great to see them and I appreciate them making the effort. I always send out invites and had replies this year from about 40 confirming they would be there so I catered accordingly and bought in plenty of booze as well. 5 couples even contacted me on the day to double check what time it was all kicking off.

Fast forward to the evening and 12 turned up 🙁 and none of them were the ones who had contacted me earlier in the day.

As a result my confidence is at rock bottom (supposed to be going out tonight but am just wanting to curl up in a corner) - i struggle with social situations at the best of times (Aspergers) and this has completely floored me.

Huge hugs op and Happy Birthday

You say you struggle with social situations and yet you have had parties every year for 20 years inviting in excess of 40 people?

I don't struggle socially at all but I wouldn't dream of putting myself through that.

I’m so sorry, OP
I had a big milestone birthday recently and my brother offered to organise and pay for a really special and expensive party. I couldn’t bear the thought of having to get x amount of people there and declined (in tears) although I’d have loved it.
Though strangely, I had a big party for my 40th and everyone who was invited, came.

I went to my cousin’s 50th a couple of years ago and his wife was telling me that lots of people hadn’t turned up or had cancelled at the last minute. They had hired a big venue and there was tons of food. I always try to go to family parties and take my DC, even though this was a fair distance and I had to drive.
I was the last one on the dancefloor, dancing by myself

Happy birthday op. I would be gutted too. I've experienced similar and it sucks. Have a landmark birthday myself this year and don't know what to do. Not sure I could cope with another mass rejection. for you

That happened to me a couple of times along the way. I just don't have parties any more.

That's shit OP, I'm sorry. My birthday is August bank holiday and I had a similar experience on my 18th. I swore no big parties after that. I'd rather have an intimate affair with people I trust not to let me down. Sometimes people are utterly crap.
Happy birthday to you xxx

The people we invite are friends we have had since college and their partners, neighbours from our very small village and several business associates who again we have known for years and count as friends - my social anxiety is at its worst with people I don't know so well but my dh is the ultimate social butterfly and can talk to anyone! I usually spend the evening making sure everyone has a drink and that there is enough food - I'm absolutely fine when I have something to do! So yes 40 people in the house under those circumstances is fine for me.

The problem I have now is that my mind is running wild wondering what I have done or said to upset folks that they didn't want to come to us that evening

Sorry that was in reply to Kirsty's question.

Sorry to hear that OP. It’s a terrible thing to confirm yes and then drop out of an arrangement/event at the last minute (with a feeble excuse etc). I did it once to a friend years ago (wedding) and feel terribly guilty now.

I think as a society people are becoming more fickle. Social circles seem enhanced with 100s/1000s of “pseudo-friends” on social media. Real deep friendships sometimes get left by the wayside, as people seek a higher standing and posturing online for the benefit of randoms.

It isn’t a reflection on you. As others have said above, try to focus your time and energy on those individuals who’ve made an effort to celebrate with you and re-label the other friendships who may no longer be as deep and meaningful for you going forward.

Happy birthday OP

Do t take it too personally even thought it's crappy of them

For my 40th party about 25% never bothered to reply or show, 25% turned up, 25% rsvp' d no and 25% flaked at the last minute for various illnesses etc.

I can't understand it as I love going to parties but I guess all our friends are middle aged now

Did you speak to the folk you attended ( by phone/text/personalmessage) or was the inviting done by a Facebook event invite ?

That's really crap OP. They're not worth it.

My DS's birthday is between Christmas and new year. I tried to do a party for him one year but no-one would commit as they didn't know what their plans were in advance. I've given up now and take to Center Parcs instead. It's extortionate but we love it (and go with friends) and he has ana amazing birthday to remember.

Could you do something similar?

Very sorry OP, that's totally shit. This is why I routinely decline 99% of the party invites I get nowadays (not that I receive that many!) - I hate the thought of letting people down. Although a party always sounds good in theory, I know that when the evening actually arrives I'll be too tired to go. I have 2 small DC and very little energy in the evening. I hate sending last minute cancellations so I prefer to apologise and decline up front.

This year I attended 2 parties in total and in both cases it was because they were very local to me (walking distance home). I do like parties but I'm too exhausted to enjoy them right now so I'll rejoin the world of socialising and fun when the DC are older.

Interestingly, I posted much the same about my 5Oth 6 years ago, early Dec. We hosted at home; luckily inviting from 2 different groups. Invited about 30.

My work friends almost to a person pulled out, a couple very obviously got 'a better offer', complete with 'Sorry, little Mia's ill' (but here's a photo of us out with other people despite confirming you a week ago). The last two 'sorrys' came in an hour before we kicked off. Two were still hungover. In their 50's!

Luckily, the other group practically all turned up, so there were 15 of us...

But the big difference was, on here, I was pretty much told to not be so unreasonable as to expect people who'd confirmed their attendance to actually attend, because people are busy you know... 🤔

I've not bothered again.

If people didn’t attend in the past why would you put yourself through that by throwing another one?

No one came to my 21st birthday party. It sucked so much. So I stopped putting myself in that situation

Happy Birthday op. I am sorry that not many people came to your party.

Those people were very rude. So sorry op. :(

You say you struggle with social situations and yet you have had parties every year for 20 years inviting in excess of 40 people?
I don't struggle socially at all but I wouldn't dream of putting myself through that

Me neither! Relying on other people is much too stressful!

What fucks me off is every time I discuss some sort of get together with friends and they all sound enthusiastic but come to the actual event they all flake bar one so I get stuck doing the original plans for one fucking person instead of being able to at least sack it off.

This is so sad and your friends are crap.
It remains me of a 21st I went to a few years back 8 of us turned up, 8! The girl who's party it was had never been overly popular but I think thanks to social media she thought she was. Always out having photos with lots of 'friends'

We used to have some brilliant, always full parties but the ones we have had In the past few years haven't been as full. I just don't think people go out as much anymore.

Crikeys, what is wrong with people? A friend had a wedding last year and numerous guests didn’t bother to RSVP, meaning they had no idea of final numbers until the day!

I’m really sorry that this has happened to you OP, I’m not making excuses for your ‘friends’ but it was probably the time of year, rather than a snub to you, but, even so, they are incredibly rude and I would find it hard to forgive.
💐🍷Happy Birthday anyway!!

I do get that people have more complicated lives, loved ones are often long distance and more people seem to work weekends or jobs with irregular hours but a lot of it has to be rudeness. Maybe it's a FOMO thing, people scared to commit and have to turn down a "better" offer

It's my 40th in 2 days time, I decided not to do a party as I did one for my 30th 10 years ago and it was super stressful 😣

Having to organise lunch in a restaurant for 40 odd people hasn't exactly been a picnic either and I've still got anxiety about the whole thing and am wishing I hadn't started it all 😂

Love and solidarity to all of us poor winter babies! ❤️✊🏼

I feel you. Good will was under-appreciated and good food was wasted. It happened to me once and I decided to stop throwing parties for that reason. If you look at the positives it tells you what your true friends are. Good manners cost nothing.