To be upset no-one came?

[anoelbthuthdy]

It's my birthday today, a big one. I don't live in the UK anymore but decided to throw a party back home to celebrate this milestone, with drinks, food and entertainment laid on. I invited people months in advance (with occasional reminders in between), and organised it on Sat just gone as that was the day most people could make. So we travel 500km, kids in tow, the evening comes and... 3 people turn up. 3. A few people did message that they/their kids were ill, but plenty of others simply didn't show. It was, quite frankly, humiliating.

AIBU to be gutted that no-one bothered to come? For context, I have thrown a couple of birthday parties over the years that were also poorly attended but those were on NYE itself, so I purposely avoided that this time. And this was a milestone birthday.

@Dangerousplan it's hardly 'amazing and generous' when it's a party for her, is it?

Oh no-had the 20/30 RSVPd saying they would definitely come?

I would never have a party for this reason-I would worry people wouldn’t show. Am happy to have big groups of friends over frequently to mine though, but I know they’ll all turn up!

It’s not a brilliant time of year for many people (like me) to go to a party tbh. It’s a much-needed holiday and rest that we’ve all been desperate for and I don’t want to go anywhere for a party-we’ve just been lounging around and sleeping lots here, all idly wondering what day it was!!

I'm glad you had fun anyway, next year celebrate with those 3 friends. Sod the rest. Go for a meal and have some drinks.Happy Birthday!

Such bad manners to rsvp and not then show, without genuine reason.

I do think people have terrible social manners in this sense nowadays though - what a PP said about waiting to see if something ‘better’ comes along rings true. People will also wait to see if they feel like going on the day itself as can’t bear to feel slightly put out by anything so won’t commit in advance - infuriating. Then also less people in general actually host now so don’t seem to have an idea of the cost, effort, etc.

All that said I wouldn’t necessarily say the non shows don’t care about you - simply that they behave (badly) like a lot of people now do around this type of thing as it has somehow become acceptable to do so.

Tricky then to decide to cut them out entirely but I do think being non aggressively upfront about what happened and how it made you feel is fine.

Happy birthday

This is a bad time of year for illness though, I had to cancel two events before Xmas due to a nasty virus.

That, coupled with people going away/visiting relatives around the country, meant it was a bad time.

I don't think posting to make people feel guilty will work at all and the best thing to do now is to forget it and make the people who did come feel appreciated.

It's silly to condemn everyone who wanted to come though, but were away/ill which is probably the majority of those who said yes and then didn't.

Is it likely you have 73 crap and awful friends who hate you, or that you picked a bad time of year?

That's awful.

So two days ago?

Well I would have loved a party then-or even tonight tbh.

Can't think of much nicer than attending a friend's bday party on NYE tbh.

Happy Birthday!

Was it a case of people saying, "that's lovely, thank you" but not feeling that they'd committed to attending?

Happy birthday OP. I'm so sorry you had such a disappointing party. The last time I tried to have a milestone party the story was similar, so I was a bit wary but really wanted to celebrate so I set something up for another one a few weeks ago. I thought I'd tackled all the difficulties from last time; made it closer to where I grew up, made it earlier in the day, invited friends who all know each other well and who I know well, let them know they were welcome to bring family members. One friend turned up with her husband for a couple of hours before going on to an existing dinner date. I was grateful that she tried to cram both in so as not to let me down, and embarrassed that they were the only non-family members there.

I'm considering it a learning experience. That will be my last party. I am slightly relieved to hear so many other people say it has happened to them and know that I am not the only one it has happened to.

Don’t take it personally. People can be crap I have learned to massively lower my expectations. I think it’s because you don’t live there any more they feel less social debt to you and no showing will have minimal consequences for them so if it’s dark and they can’t be bothered they didn’t. If it was someone they saw regularly and felt more obligation to more likely they would go even if they didn’t really want to. Not saying any of this is right it’s shit am personally a turner upper but trying to explain

A few years back I arranged DH 30th who is a Dec 27th birthday. I messaged people a year in advance to get it in their calendars and no excuses (but said nicer than that!) He always had the shit birthday of no-one being around or arsed to come out. Thankfully we had a good turn out, after the stress of organising that for a handful of guests I'd have been out for blood!

Especially if it's a big birthday, yes people are knackered from Christmas but getting dressed and showing up to a local place for free food and drink is not a Herculean effort. Unless it's a genuine reason then pleading illness (when you can't be arsed) or not even bothering to rsvp - rude rude rude.

Glad you had a nice time with the people who came though, happy birthday

I know this is rubbish for you - but I honestly think most people don’t like parties.

Most people on MN maybe. I love a good party personally.

Me too Tatiana! All this “at home with tv bliss” BORING you can do that any nighters in your old people’s home. Dh and I went by train to London (1.5hrs) especially for a party before Christmas was great fun.

Oh that's really rude and shit.
It's also the reason why I've always hated organising parties for my children, in case nobody turns up.
Hope you have a lovely day

That is so poor
Each person thinks they are too insignificant to make a big impact on your night
Then the cumulative effect is so sad-making
Happy birthday

Do the people you invited have kids? And were kids invited to the party? If not that might account for some of the absences, if it was hard for parents to go.

Not saying that excuses everyone, they should have made more of an effort or at least told you if they couldn't make it.

I'm really sorry OP it's a real eye-opener when you're are suddenly confronted with the fact relationships we thought were quite close have, in fact moved into the casual acquaintance zone.

I think you may have been the victim of a party "Perfect Storm"
You had left to live overseas thus being mostly out of sight out of mind, relationships maintained primarily over Facebook, a particularly tricky time of year for health, a time of year that a lot of people want to wind down after the lead-up to Christmas, social relationships increasingly loose relating to RSVP and attendance, people increasingly choosing to socialise via technology than in RL in the comfort of their own home.

None of this was your fault, but people are generally pretty bad at putting themselves out for other people unless they are their "nearest & dearest".

Hoping your next birthday is all you could wish for presents 🎁

Happy birthday for today

FWIW only two friends got in contact to say Merry Christmas this year. We've moved away, and it seems people are forgetting us.

That is so rude. People should let you know if they cant make it. It really isn't acceptable. Saying that, its probably money for some people. Although drinks maybe free, they would still have to buy you a gift and pay for a taxi. Its hard when you have just shelled out for xmas time. It is shit though.

Have you put anything on Facebook OP? "Was really looking forward to catching up with everyone at my big birthday bash. Thanks to X, Y and Z for coming and making it special for me. Shame so many guests had had better offers on the night"

I should have said Happy Birthday OP!

I am sorry OP, and like others have said I would now focus on those who did turn up.

I know it's little consolation, but I do think a lot of people nowadays are quite rude about invitations to places. I have heard so many people I know airily dismiss an invitation to somewhere (including big birthdays etc) citing that they can't be arsed or that they'd "rather stay at home and watch TV". I get that you can't be up for everything all the time, but I think people don't always appreciate that others a) genuinely want to host b) like to see other people c) like spending time with people who they consider important, and, therefore, to flake is quite hurtful.

That's horrid for you - so sorry. I firmly believe that once you accept an invitation to anything really, you honour that (short of genuine illness, car broken down, burst pipes etc etc) regardless of 'better' offers or 'can't be arsed-ness' on the day. For me, it's about treating other people how you'd like to be treated yourself.

I don't really enjoy parties myself, and appreciate that at this time of the year people can feel all partied out, and/or exhausted from travelling about the country to see family …. but if you fall into one of these categories you just politely decline when first asked. It's not just personally hurtful and rude (and of course can make even the most self confident person question how much they mean to others ) but it's also the disregard for any expense you've incurred making arrangements … which could have been adjusted as appropriate for a smaller group had you known up front.

Sadly, I think many people are simply bloody selfish and don't think beyond what they want in that moment - no consideration towards the knock on effects of their actions at all.

Xmas is a very bad time to host. People are shattered.

Try not take it personally xx

That's horrible for you and is also the reason I shy from throwing a party. Lack of confidence in people and their word.
Remember those that came, forget the others unless they had a damn good reason.
Go forward into the new year and forget them.

This happened to me on my 40th birthday. DH arranged a surprise party, invited loads and loads of people, spent a shed load of money and... Hardly anyone turned up. I was so humiliated on the night that there was so few people attended what was clearly intended to be a big bash. Felt awful for my DH too who was really upset on my behalf. One of the worse things for me was that nobody from work turned up and I'd said, quite by chance a few weeks previously, that one of my worst fears was holding a party and nobody turning up. So they knew and still didn't bother coming, even though the majority of them had nothing better to do. Bastards. It's my 50th next year and I've told DH I just want to celebrate very quietly with him and immediate family, can't take the embarrassment again. So I've no advice, only to say I totally feel your pain and humiliation, and agree that some people are proper arseholes! Enjoy your birthday honey x