Collecting DS from XDH in middle of night

[clpsmum]

Not sure if I've been unreasonable or not.

8yoDS went for an unplanned sleepover at his dads tonight. I get a phone call from him at 12:40 saying he wants to come home. I tell him to go cuddle his dad and I'll get him in the morning.

1:30 another phone call DS obviously anxious or scared, crying saying his dad is asleep and he is scared and wants to come home. I try to reassure him and tell him I'll get him first thing in the morning but this makes him more upset. Try to call XDH but he doesn't answer. DS calls back I tell him to try and wake his dad which he eventually does. Instead of reassuring him and cuddling him he starts telling him off. Anyway to cut a long story short I went to collect him. XDH absolutely furious with me and with DS. Have i been unreasonable? Should I have just left him to sleepover and collected him tomorrow? DS usually has sleepovers at his dads with his brothers not on his own so not sure if this is what spooked him

How would you feel the other way around? I would be livid!
You should not have picked him up in the middle of the night.
What would your son have done had you not answered the phone at that time?

He's 8- a simple, there's nothing to be scared about go to sleep, is what should happen. Dad could have reacted better, but unless there are other concerns, I think a lot of parents have been guilty of handling a situation with their kids badly - half asleep or not!!

@Megs4x3
Not really relevant tho is it.

I'm always shocked by the amount of PlayStation time my stepson has at mums during the week (in his room upstairs on his own)
But it's not up to DH what he does does when with Mum. Same goes vice versa

@wheneverythinggoestitsup I think it is if it feeds into the situation later as it appeared to here.

It’s only ‘vice versa’ if the child is not at risk. I know it’s not the same as here, but you can only take that argument so far. Otherwise my children would have continued to be assaulted by their father and I’d have stood back on the basis of ‘his house his rules’. What was happening in his household became my business and 30 years later I’m still dealing with the fallout. Not the same, I know, but we don’t have all the details here. My point that neglect and abuse is a slippery slope and parents need to be forever vigilant remains. The op knows her son and reached a conclusion she and her ex are happy with. That’s all that matters here.

@swingofthings oh I can imagine that poor child you were all those years ago just frantic and locked into such a silent prison of terror and panic - horrid stuff!

This type of experience doesn’t build resilience, it’s just endured and got through somehow in the moment. Teaching a child that there is no one to help when their fears come to life in the night time isn’t teaching any kind of coping technique, it’s just teaching silence and not sharing with others.

I wouldn’t want to teach my 8yr old this, however I do agree it’s a balance of course.

Currently struggling with DS’s fear of being by himself and my need to have some alone time in the evenings... it’s a tough one to work out and I’m still in the middle of navigating this. Trouble is that he has a basis for his fears and it’s not him being manipulative or a horror just ‘wanting attention’. I can’t make it better for him in that the reasons will always be there, but I can help him gain in confidence and security and I hope one day (oh please let it be soon argh!), he will feel brave enough to be on his own in his room for more than a few minutes at a time.

I’d love to tell him to just GO AWAY and GO TO SLEEP, then tell myself I was helping him learn resilience, by ‘tough love’ or using ‘other kinds of parenting techniques’... but in reality I know he’s be terrified and the next night would be even worse for him (& me probably too ahem!).

I need to start with helping him learn some real techniques (rather than the slightly dubious ones some posters have assumed kids hit upon by themselves if left long enough without anyone to turn to!). Put in places the coping mechanisms, then help him test them out, in low stress situations where he can get some ‘wins’ under his belt quickly to build his confidence and pride in himself. Then maybe it will start to happen by himself almost... oh boy that sounds like the long way round when I am ruddy knackered and fraying at the edges myself. Waaaah! But short cuts will end up as very long cuts I think.

Ah well. Anyway, OP, I’m glad you sorted it out well under the circumstances, today and last night. Well done.

Thanks WellThisIsShit. I'm horrified by some posters, seeming to believe that the emotions of a grown man who won't wake up upon his child's distress is more important than the feeling of that petrified child.

I really don't get this belief that the child was manipulative. A child awake at night for hours, not just once is a child who is either enjoying being up, in this case would be watching TV or plaung games and certsiy not making calls to people or a child who is scared.

If my ex had turned up in the night because my child was scared and hadn't been able to wake me up, it's with myself I'd have been angry not him. I'd have been mortified.

Why should OP care about her ex's feelings over that of her child. She owes protection to her child not her ex.

I'm nowhere near overprotective to my kids. They were making a 1/2 journey on the train alone from the age of 10, but they were happy to do so and had no fear.

Experiencing panic alone as an adult is horrendous but as a child is 10 times worse. What horrid parent would go back to sleep knowing their kid is destressed just so that their ex didn't feel undermined?

Thanks everyone. He wasn't being manipulative or attention seeking he was genuinely scared. It was a situation that he wasn't used to being in and he had a bit of a wobble. I maybe was a bit unreasonable but I couldn't have sat at home or gone back to sleep knowing that he was scared and upset. Luckily XDH understood why I did it and was fine with it the next day

@swingofthings If my ex had turned up in the night because my child was scared and hadn't been able to wake me up, it's with myself I'd have been angry not him. I'd have been mortified.

This is what you're missing - at no point did the OP say her son couldn't wake her ex up - he didn't try - he phoned her first - then he did wake him up when she told him to.

OP I think you've handled it well now and its good that you can both just move past it.

The first OP said that after the first call, she told him to go and cuddke with his dad. He calls 40 mns later and says, he's asleep. OP trys to call and he still doesn't wake up. So either he was to scared to wake him up, in which case why, or he couldn't be woken up. Either way I would feel bad if my kid was too worried to wake me up but I couldn't woken up despite attempts.

Why so many making this into a manipulative DC issue, or that the parent wouldn't understand why OP would act in the best interests of DS??

It's very worrying the so many see something horrible in a straightforward situation.

If any of mine reached out to anyone in the night I would expect someone to respond, and in fact I am aware of a situation where police were called to the door where DPs could not be roused and all ended safely, and ppl realise it's done with the best of intentions for the DC, and lets hope ppl will always look out for DC this way..

Shook that this thread is still running after OP said all this already

Some of the comments here ! Apparently because he was safe from physical harm, we should just ignore his emotional and mental health

Haudyourweesht - best user name ever!