Collecting DS from XDH in middle of night

[clpsmum]

Not sure if I've been unreasonable or not.

8yoDS went for an unplanned sleepover at his dads tonight. I get a phone call from him at 12:40 saying he wants to come home. I tell him to go cuddle his dad and I'll get him in the morning.

1:30 another phone call DS obviously anxious or scared, crying saying his dad is asleep and he is scared and wants to come home. I try to reassure him and tell him I'll get him first thing in the morning but this makes him more upset. Try to call XDH but he doesn't answer. DS calls back I tell him to try and wake his dad which he eventually does. Instead of reassuring him and cuddling him he starts telling him off. Anyway to cut a long story short I went to collect him. XDH absolutely furious with me and with DS. Have i been unreasonable? Should I have just left him to sleepover and collected him tomorrow? DS usually has sleepovers at his dads with his brothers not on his own so not sure if this is what spooked him

Your son was with his father. He was attention seeking. Now, anytime he doesn't want to do something or do what his father tells him he can boo hoo and get you to jump. He have been told to go back to bed once you established there wasn't a clear and present danger. His father was upset because the child was creating a lot of upset needlessly. He needs to learn how to deal with situations and not get his way with a whiny phone call. Keep this up and you will raise a Klingon child

YANBU, I have done the same and have no regrets. Children come first and if they are distressed and anxious, they must be consoled. The father wasn’t able to console your child, your child rang you for help. You didn’t immediately run to him, you did the right thing by seeing if he could wake his father. But hearing your child being told off (this happened in my situation too) is awful.

It may well make everything worse, my DD will no longer stay overnight at her Dad’s house. But she feels safe, no longer gets anxious and it has strengthened our bond. It’s not easy, for you

You did nothing wrong.

Wow. I read your OP and the next couple of replies, so genuinely I have no idea of any further updates. But You were so out of order. Your child was with his other parent. It is up to that parent to parent how they see fit. It may not be how you would do it but that doesnt matter. Just to be very clear I loathe my ex - I think he is actually a poor parent but I would not overrule him on this type of issue. I think a family court would take a very dim view of your behaviour. Hopefully you have resolved things now but please dont do that again.

Such a difficult situation .
Though I do have an 8 year old grandchild who rules her parents house with her emotional cosh, and is determined to have one or other of her parents share her bed from bedtime at 8.30 til 10 and then again from around 11 pm til the next morning . She's not interested in the least in sharing her parents bed - just demanding whichever parent she decides she wants attention from to share hers. And it has always been thus from birth .
We co-slept in OUR bed with our youngest from around midnight til the morning from his age of 3-5 which was no bother at all for either of us as we arranged our intimate life around that .
I do believe some youngsters can be emotionally manipulative for their own ends and need to be be responded to in a kind yet firm way which takes into account the needs of all their fami!y members .

I find it really sad that an 8 year old is being called attention seeking for being scared. Pretty sure OP can tell when her children are taking the piss. It's a sad state of affairs when a child gets scared & instead of receiving reassurance gets yelled at because a parent doesn't want their sleep interrupted.

My 9 year old wouldn’t have the means to contact me in the middle of the night from her dad’s house. Does the OP’s DS have his own phone? In fact anyone calling me during the night would not get an answer as my mobile phone is on silent. People have my landline for an emergency which would wake me.

We have a strict rule in our house that once at one parent’s house there is no calling the other to come and collect unless it’s pre arranged or an emergency. My children would not be coming home to me in the night due to being scared. They do, however, have a dad who would comfort them and take them into his bed to co sleep if needed. Same would happen at mine. They don’t, however, ‘sleepover’ at dad’s. That’s their home just as my house is their home. Having a sleepover suggests they are a guest in the house.

I am prepared to be proved that my views are wrong though once my children have their own phones and can independently contact us.

I wouldnt have collected my child from their father at midnight. Thyre safe. Theyre with a parent

I agree with ChristmasSprite and think the OP has her head screwed on. I don't think she said how old the other children were so not sure how people can judge her for leaving them, they could be teenagers. Glad it's all sorted now, think I'd have done the same if it was a one off, I'm sure you'd have dealt with it differently had it happened in the past.

As a kid who grew up in a amongst warring parents & a now newly separated single mummy I'd have been there like a shot if my son was distressed in the night and couldn't wake his dad. Nobody else should be angry or has the right to assume rank, he's 8, his welfare comes first. Deal with the rest afterwards x

#postChristmasBlues I too (since being an adult) have been diagnosed with PTSD, resulting in acute anxiety. I had night terrors and nowhere to go. It’s the worst feeling. You did the right thing OP. Just have a reasonable conversation with your ex and if he can’t be reasonable then fuck him. Your son’s mental health has to come first. Resilience my arse!

Child at 8 needed to be told by mum straight away "No, I'm not coming to get you, you're with daddy tonight, if you have scary thoughts then wake daddy and tell him and have a cuddle"
Father was probably pissed off because son had been having these conversations with mother whilst he was asleep and had escalated the situation.
The child has 2 parents - if he has issues during the night then it is the job of the parent on duty to deal with it.
Unless dad had been drinking which o never stated then there is no reason that he couldn't be woken - child just hadn't tried.
Sorry op but YABU

You did exactly what I would have done, you tried to calm him but it didn’t work and he wanted his mum. I also would have waited to see if he went to sleep and not rushed to collect him at the first call - I can’t understand why someone is asking that

I’m sure dad will be fine in the morning

Completely wrong and totally unfair on his Dad. A beautiful example of controlling / ownership behaviour on your part. You'd be horrified if the same was done to you.

Greenlanes, you think a family court would take a dim view of the mother’s behaviour? Are you familiar with Safeguarding? I am going to assume not.

I am actually really concerned by the number of people who think OP is wrong. I suggest you take a look at the Children Act, the child is 8 years old for goodness sake.

You don’t ever stop being a mother just because your child is with another parent, and I firmly believe a mother’s intuition is to be respected.

Signs of anxiety in a child must never be ignored, it can quickly consume them and can lead to significant mental health problems in later life.

Children come first when it comes to their emotional wellbeing and safety. It would be considered neglect if their emotional needs are ignored. OP, I reiterate again that I think you were right to do what you did

Have a conversation with XDH about how he can reassure DS next time. You did nothing wrong, you love your son and mothers instinct is everything. It wasn’t 1pm in the afternoon it was in the middle of the night and you were trying to resolve the situation fast as it was the middle of the night. Don’t question yourself, you were right in a tricky situation. What needs to be done is a friendly non accusatory convo with XDH about why you went and what can be done differently next time (both of you). At the end of the day the child comes first. He’s too young to be able to rationalise the situation. Your XDH and you should be able to amicably do so & find an ongoing resolution.

It is undermining the other parent though. I would have said to rest and if he still wanted to be picked up in the morning then we would talk then.

Imo undermining the other parent is acceptable in some circumstances. A child behaving like a brat, not okay. A child sleeping over alone for the first time, awake & scared...then yelled at for needing comfort? Damn right i'd undermine his dad.

No i really dont think undermining the other parent when child is safe and with a parent is ok, unless you are suspecting abuse. Other parent being asleep at 1.30 and not waking up gleefully to comfort is also not a reason.
Of course we all want to comfort our children but fgs, let them build some resilience. Its their dad

Knowing that nobody is going to reassure you as a child is not building resilience. As evidenced by several posters on here. But each to their own I guess. I would undermine anybody who felt it okay to leave my CHILD in tears because they are scared. And I would expect other significang adults in her life to do the same if I ever was a dick when she needed reassurance

This is where mobile phones are a nuisance.
If your son hadn’t had the phone he would have gone and spoken to his dad. Dad would have dealt with it and there wouldn’t be a drama.
His dad didn’t answer his phone because he was asleep. Your son is 8 and presumably capable of walking to wake dad in the other room.
By jumping in and ‘rescuing’ your son before dad eleven knew of an issue you badly undermined dad’s ability to parent and he is justified in being annoyed with you. He is also probably annoyed, hurt and humiliated that his son would rather call you than wake him up for comfort. You have done both of them a disservice.

Children know how to manipulate parents. My youngest will get into our bed during the night on daddies side because she knows I will put her back in her own bed and daddy will let her stay.

Yabvu. I’d be furious if my ex did this.

@clpsmum, you seem way too reasonable a poster for this site. Are you sure AIBU is the right place for you?

From the last update it seems as though the OP was sensible in the circumstances and has reached a reasonable solution with EXH.

Interesting though that no-one seems to have picked up on Dad leaving 8-year-old to play computer games ‘until very, very late.’ No wonder the child was over-tired and reacted as he did.

Messing about with his son’s routine to accommodate his social calendar, not seeing that the youngster was settled to sleep and then getting angry because he was awake and crying isn’t exactly exemplary parenting, is it?

Seems to me that the conclusion described by the OP is the best possible option.

@JustMe70 very familiar with Safeguarding, the Childrens Act 1989 and Family Court. Please assume all you want and continue to show your ignorance.

The child in question is with their father and no information has been provided to indicate that the father is not an adequate parent. If the mother continues to interfere with the father's parenting, and it goes to Family Court, the court would not be best pleased.

At the present time the UK family courts are very pro-fathers rights. Above and beyond concern about children or the lowest ranking, mothers. There is no transparency and no real right to review and appeal poor decisions. But please continue to encourage separated parents to undermine each other.