Collecting DS from XDH in middle of night

[clpsmum]

Not sure if I've been unreasonable or not.

8yoDS went for an unplanned sleepover at his dads tonight. I get a phone call from him at 12:40 saying he wants to come home. I tell him to go cuddle his dad and I'll get him in the morning.

1:30 another phone call DS obviously anxious or scared, crying saying his dad is asleep and he is scared and wants to come home. I try to reassure him and tell him I'll get him first thing in the morning but this makes him more upset. Try to call XDH but he doesn't answer. DS calls back I tell him to try and wake his dad which he eventually does. Instead of reassuring him and cuddling him he starts telling him off. Anyway to cut a long story short I went to collect him. XDH absolutely furious with me and with DS. Have i been unreasonable? Should I have just left him to sleepover and collected him tomorrow? DS usually has sleepovers at his dads with his brothers not on his own so not sure if this is what spooked him

And actually on balance leaving two young children alone in the house at night to go and get him would be considered a far greater safeguarding concern than telling a child to go back to bed when crying in the night. And if the ex were so inclined he could easily use that in a residency dispute and it would be taken into account.

Thanks everyone for your responses.accept I probably was unreasonable but it was the middle of the night and I clearly wasn't thinking straight! Was just upset at the thought of my DS being upset.

I have text XDH this morning big and apologised and tried calling. No response yet.

Don't think DS was trying to play us off against each other think he was just genuinely scared. He doesn't normally sleep there alone he's normally with his brothers.

I don't know if my DS did actually did hear any strange noises I suspect he was feeling alone because he was awake and his dad wasn't and they were just everyday "house" noises.

Will have a talk with DS today and I think in future he's better going only when his brothers are with him

I think that’s a really sensible approach going forward!

I'm shocked how many people wouldn't comfort an upset child at night , sure if it happens all the time then you need to sort it, but it doesn't sound like it was the case here. Obviously, situations like knitted's are different.

The OP didn't rush in and she tried to defer to her ex, only he couldn't be bothered... If he would've said to her that he'll handle it then she wouldn't have had to come and pick her DS up.

I think you did fine OP.

You didn’t go rushing in on a first impulse. You reassured and advised DS. You wanted to calm the situation.

I don’t think you need to apologise to your XH, but I think (would hope) he learns a lesson from this.

So many posters ready to tell you what you did was wrong. You responded to a situation. His dad didn’t (at least, not well). He needs to be learning from this so your son doesn’t feel the need to call you in.

He shouldn’t need his brothers to be there to reassure him, he has his father there.

(My DD will only go to her dads when her sister goes, because he can’t be arsed so it falls to DD1 to do his job. She doesn’t go very often at all because she doesn’t see the point and frankly I don’t blame her).

In my experience kids use "told off" for anything from gentle words to screaming and shouting. Most parents are not happy when woken up and gently telling them not to worry about the sounds and go back to sleep is a fair thing to say.

If it was a sleepover with a friend then absolutely fine to pick them up after the first call (but also fine to encourage them to stay too) I think the rule is different when they are with the other parent and I can see why ex is pissed off with you turning up.

Is this his first sleepover at Dad's or do you think he was already anxious because it was unplanned?

Don't think he was anxious because it was unplanned because it was his idea! Think he was just a bit scared and maybe I over reacted.

Spoke to XDH and he is ok says he understands why I went. I've said just take all of them in future rather than just individuals.

Apparently XDH had left DS to his own devices in bedroom and dh has been on Xbox until very very late.

XDH has form for being a bit shouty. I can u sweat and him being annoyed but just not the approach I would take but then again think I'm too soft.

Boys supposed to go their dads on set day each week and sleepover and this has all changed through December due to his nights out etc. Think being out of routine DS just wanted a bit of time with his dad

This is a very divisive thread. I think it's hard to say what I would do in this situation.

I'd not want to go and pick up my child. I'd want them to wake their father and be comforted. I would try to get them to do that and would try to call the parent. I would try to soothe my child on the phone.

But the OP tried all that and still was being rung by the child - who was clearly getting more distressed and got no comfort from the Dad.

@Summergems um I am a single parent and would have collected him, and wanted him collected in the reverse case.

There is zero projection by me as I used OP’s own words. Other than “coma” which was (quite obviously I thought) ironic.

It may be cultural; I am not in the UK and parenting norms on this seem different to say the least.

And when I did an unscheduled pick up of my nephew at a similarly ungodly time I took my son with me, who says you have to leave kids behind

OP, you were not UR at all, glad it has all been resolved

Fwiw.. single parent here too, and I would have gone and collected ds. Bit of a back story in my case (ex has been known to combine type 1 diabetes with too much to drink, so unwakeable could actually mean unconscious) but ultimately my child is my priority over my ex.
If ds was phoning someone in tears multiple times in the middle of the night and couldn’t wake me, then I wouldn’t be surprised if they turned up at my door either.

Thanks everybody! I don't feel as unreasonable now thankfully. I've had a chat with DS and he seems fine today. I just couldn't have left him

I think some of these posts have been deliberately goady, telling ppl that that have no idea and very judgemental.

OP you did the right thing,and you edh could see why you did,which is bloody brilliant and many levels above what some awful avoidant making types on here have said.

No-one wants to get out of bed to go rushing off anywhere in the middle of the night,but your 8 yr old is crying, scared, alone,can't rouse father then gets told off by father as heard over the phone.

It's actually a proven psychological bonus for developing DC to feel understood and heard by their nearest and dearest and makes for a well rounded and resilient individual.

Nasty talk from some on here.

And this is why children grow up lacking resilience
Am all for teaching to be resilient and I fully agree that over protection doesnt do them any favours but there are limits to it.

I was a child who experienced awful dreams and fears at night as a kid. When I was 8yo, I heard about a child murder in the news and my anxiety went overdrive. I was convinced a man would come to our house and kidnap me and I was totally distressed.

I desperately wanted to tell my mum but the one time I mentioned it, she just said I was being silly. I waslso under clear instruction not to wake her up under any circumstances be zusexzhe was a very poor sleeper. So instead for many months, I waited for her to go to sleep around 11pm, got up and put some paper in the door lock because somehow believed that this meant the kidnapper wouldn't be able to get in and I would then wake up before her to take it out. I ended up with lack of sleep until I told my dad who told my mum who thankfully at this point realise that my fears were not just me being dramatic or manipulative.

I promised myself that I would never undermine any fears my kids might experience at night. I'm thought with them but if I feel any intense fear from them, I am there with them right away.

Unless there’s a huge back story, then Yabu. How would you have liked had the situation been reversed and your dc called your ex to collect him from you?

But your ex could have reacted much better to being woken...

swingofthings

ChristmasSprite well said, I agree.

Yes, teaching an 8 year old that if he is scared tough shit is called resilience. Bollocks is it. He's EIGHT ffs. No wonder our kids are growing up so fast nowadays, they're expected to be able to handle everything like a grown up.

Hmm. Tricky. For me the crux of it is that your ex woke before you went to get ds. Had he still been unresponsive, there would be no doubt in my mind that fetching him was the appropriate thing to do. However, he was already awake and was dealing with the situation. Whether you would have dealt with it in a different way isn't the issue really- no one parenting technique is necessarily superior to the others. By swooping in you have shown your ex that you think he can't be trusted to handle things appropriately and may have caused some damage to your co-parenting relationship, as well as teaching your son that mum has more authority than dad. As it was the early hours of the morning, you may not have reacted as rationally as you usually would. I would explain as much to your ex and tell your ds that, while he was right to call when he couldn't wake dad, dad is the one who is in charge when ds is in dad's house.

@ChristmasSprite it was a long process and the only way contact could be stopped was if the kids did it. He threatened to beat them badly etc. We got police reports. I went to court. The kids asked to see the judge. They were awarded a court appointed lawyer. They saw the judge with the lawyer one by one.

They went twice eventually and he lost his parental rights. We are in France and it is extremely rare for this to happen. I played the long game but it was really hard. Getting good support for the kids was probably the most challenging part. My lawyer was also kick arse and could make my ex foam at the mouth in front of the judge.

Oh @wollywobbles ! What an awful thing to have to go through for all of you,but I bet the rewards are vast and amazing!!

As regards OP, clearly the co-parenting is not harmed as clearly there remains an open communication between the parties and the edh is a decent ex DH and understood exactly why OP would come.

A good plan is now in place which will benefit all. Well done OP

Thank you Qwerty

Wally - I'm so sorry you and your children had to go through that how awful.

Thanks Christmas what a lovely thing to say. Hopefully there will be no repeat performances and thankfully XDH was very understanding

It’s a tough call. I don’t think either of you are unreasonable it’s just a hard situation. I think in an ideal world his dad would have reacted better and calmed him obviously. OK so perhaps this may be making future situations worse but not necessarily if you both have a talk now as parents and decide what the future protocol for this situation is.

I feel for you as my DH is the same. He has temper issues and he shouts at the kids for waking up scared or for wetting the bed etc. Now the kids come and wake me up quietly and don’t wake daddy. But obviously that isn’t something you can do when they are under a different roof.

I think I would have tried to speak to x when he shouted and try to get him to settle son. 8 is young but it's not a baby. Unless x was drunk he could have woken him and said he's scared