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Original poster

Collecting DS from XDH in middle of night

161 replies

clpsmum · 31/12/2018 02:16

Not sure if I've been unreasonable or not.

8yoDS went for an unplanned sleepover at his dads tonight. I get a phone call from him at 12:40 saying he wants to come home. I tell him to go cuddle his dad and I'll get him in the morning.

1:30 another phone call DS obviously anxious or scared, crying saying his dad is asleep and he is scared and wants to come home. I try to reassure him and tell him I'll get him first thing in the morning but this makes him more upset. Try to call XDH but he doesn't answer. DS calls back I tell him to try and wake his dad which he eventually does. Instead of reassuring him and cuddling him he starts telling him off. Anyway to cut a long story short I went to collect him. XDH absolutely furious with me and with DS. Have i been unreasonable? Should I have just left him to sleepover and collected him tomorrow? DS usually has sleepovers at his dads with his brothers not on his own so not sure if this is what spooked him

OP posts:
ChristmasSprite · 31/12/2018 05:33

If I've heard any of mine crying or being scared I don't get shitty with them, how awful to do so.

Yeah, tonight I was woken by noisy kitchen very late, and I was a bit grumpy about it, but not telling off, and that was very different to what OP describes. When a young child is already in tears you tell them off???!!

I would definitely go get.

thewinkingprawn · 31/12/2018 05:39

Unless there is a back story you are not telling is then I think you were unreasonable and have created a really unnecessary situation. Presuming your XH is a good parent usually since you have not told us otherwise i’d have been pretty furious if you turned up in the middle of the night. Since you only had your sons version of events and he’d worked himself up you have no idea if he’d been playing up all night and your XH was stern to get him to go back to sleep (sometimes I have to be firm with mine in the middle of the night or no one gets sleep!!). I’d phone an apologise in the morning unless as I say, there is a back story you haven’t yet mentioned —dripfed—

ChristmasSprite · 31/12/2018 05:44

I am not understanding why DS would actively want to leave in the night.

He was scared and couldn't be calmed, and couldn't rouse his df, so alone?

FortunesFave · 31/12/2018 05:50

Sprite Some children are adept at playing parents off against one another...whether those parents are married and living together or not.

Different parenting styles can cause issues even with couples who've parted.

My guess is that the ex isn't as hands-on or as nurturing as the OP is. The DS was upset that he knew he couldn;t go to his Dad in the middle of the night and so called his Mum.

Not really on.

Unless he was unwell of course.

My children know that unless they're vomiting or have had a terrible nightmare then they're NOT to disturb me in the night.

If a nightmare happens, then they know they're allowed to just get in bed with us.

ChristmasSprite · 31/12/2018 05:59

You think you're different then?

Given OP I would do same because of DC distress.

Didnt really sound like OP enjoyed the experience for it to be happening regularly.

No-one wants to have to come out in the middle of the night, but yes, if scared DC alone and couldn't rouse responsible adult, absolutely I would go.

Interested to know though what was the matter, as it seems quite key to the event.

ChristmasSprite · 31/12/2018 06:01

FortunesFave Sprite Some children are adept at playing parents off against one another...whether those parents are married and living together or not.

Did you think you were telling me something new there?

rwalker · 31/12/2018 06:02

Sorry but you have made a bad situation worse .Take the fact you are separated out of it .I don't think there isn't a parent who hasn't told a kid off for being up in the middle of the night .So now your ds knows he can play you and your xdh off against each other and get his own way. You have completley underminded him. Should of left him to settle him , what happens next time he goes and he has to do as he's told he will just ring you to come home .

adaline · 31/12/2018 06:04

OP - would you be happy if your son called his dad at 3am and your ex turned up on your doorstep to collect him in the middle of the night?

I suspect not!

ChristmasSprite · 31/12/2018 06:05

Rwalker don't you have to ask why this DC wouldn't want to be there, or would want to be playing this such fun game in the night?

He was clearly distressed and alone, why does it have to be some game plan?

He heard noises that scared him, so you leave him to lie there all night scared knowing he will be ignored by his DM as well as df then?

Tiredeyes21 · 31/12/2018 06:07

I agree that it’s made it worse and your ex isn’t a bad parent for being annoyed by ds as he is just enabling him so are you.
Sometimes a firm go back to sleep is needed, there is nothing to be scared of. But firm. Role reversal what if your Ex turned up at yours in the middle of night?

ChristmasSprite · 31/12/2018 06:09

Why are you saying that as its not the same is it...he's gone away frim home for the night, but yes, if mine were scares and couldn't rouse me I would want to hear from someone, but DC either run into my bed or shout loud. It surprises me that he couldn't be roused, bit the other way around I would expect to be roused by someone else.

I don't get what the DC has to gain by calling his DM when he's away from home and scared by strange noises. He's a child, but I see, you leave him scared. OK. Nice.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 31/12/2018 06:10

I'd have collected my Ds also, irregardless of ex feelings, arrangements is for the benefit of the child not his feelings, the child was distressed and his feelings overcome that of anyone's.

QwertyLou · 31/12/2018 06:14

I didn’t say OP should have gone “immediately.” I said I would have gone sooner myself - at the 1.30am call I’d say.

OP is only asking whether collecting her distressed child at 2.00am was UR. Of course it wasn’t UR.

My father was pretty strict and stern, not a cuddler. But if I ever needed him at night (usually when mom was in hospital with a new baby) he woke up and dealt with it appropriately (omg)!

To “tell a child off” when they are crying, distressed and seeking comfort in the middle of the night Shock

FortunesFave · 31/12/2018 06:15

Sprite What "noises"? Op doesn't mention her son hearing noises. Just that he was anxious and scared.

adaline · 31/12/2018 06:15

Everyone saying they'd collect their child would presumably be happy with their ex doing the same thing and turning up on the doorstep at 3am?

ChristmasSprite · 31/12/2018 06:16

Why do people assume DC just trying to be deceitful or twist them?

On balance surely its best to give them the benefit of the doubt?...whatever, DS wanted to come home.

I don't know any dp with DC staying over at mine that wouldn't have been wanting to collect (whatever time of night) if their DC wanted home. I've never heard anyone talk like these pps here about their own DC.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 31/12/2018 06:33

I am not surprised your DH is furious. Your DS has you right where he wants you doesn’t he? He’s playing you off against each other and you have rewarded him for doing so. Do you want him to become even more manipulative? His father is an equal parent, although I now predict a massive drip feed from the OP.

FortunesFave · 31/12/2018 06:36

Sprite Nobody said the word deceitful.

The child was with his own father. Which is in effect another home isn't it. It's home from home.

I would not be happy if my ex turned up in the middle of the night to collect my child when it was my time with them!

QwertyLou · 31/12/2018 06:41

He (Dad) has a lot of previous for being a complete arse

  • OP’s words.

Have people missed that?

Peope painting the child as a manipulative little schemer, with poor old long Dad (the adult ffs) as the injured party. Yuk.

FortunesFave · 31/12/2018 06:43

Qwerty Well if OP is comfortable to SEND her DS there in the first place, we have to assume the OPs ex is "a complete arse" to her and not her son and that he's not abusive....or...why would she send her son there at ALL!??

ChristmasSprite · 31/12/2018 06:49

I think he just proved himself to be a complete arse again.

I was trying to put words to what you were making out OPs DC to be fortunes or DC generally, and it is, I believe,what you are saying, that they are seeking to deceive one parent to get one over on the other.

I think its a horrible supposition, poor DC.

Jimjamjong · 31/12/2018 06:50

YANBU and yes, if I was separated and my son called his dad in the night several times while crying and scared, I would expect his dad to come if he couldn't contact me. That's basic parenting.

iamthere123 · 31/12/2018 06:50

Geez some of you are really mean about a frightened 8 yo. I’m 33 and a couple of weeks ago I was woken by a bang coming from downstairs and I rang my dad and made him stay on the phone with me while i investigated and do you know he even offered to pop round and take a look with me/for me because it was obvious I was feeling really scared. I’m 33 not a petrified 8 yo who hasn’t got the wherewithal to calm themselves down and just needs a cuddle. I’m glad that I am secure in the knowledge I can call my parents day or night and they will support me not shout at me!

adaline · 31/12/2018 06:50

If the dad's behaviour is so bad, why is going there in the first place?

He's either a capable parent or he isn't. Personally I would be extremely angry if my ex turned up at my home in the middle of the night (unannounced) to collect my child so I would afford them the same respect.

FortunesFave · 31/12/2018 06:51

If the dad's behaviour is so bad, why is going there in the first place?

This.

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