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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grammar schools - which dc to prioritise?

226 replies

sylviavana · 30/12/2018 21:57

We have a dd aged 9 in Year 5 and a ds aged 8 in Year 4.

Dd is extremely clever, and has always been top of her class. Ds is a lovely, kind boy but he’s never been a high achiever at school, even though he tries very hard.

We currently live in a grammar school area. As things stand, dd will be sitting the 11+ next year and is pretty much guaranteed to get into a great girls’ grammar school where I know she’ll thrive. She often gets frustrated at school when the teacher has to slow down to help other children - I think a selective environment would suit her perfectly, and I think she’d love being at a girls’ school, as she frequently gets annoyed by the boys in her class who mess around.

However, ds will almost certainly not get into the local boys’ grammar school, and the non-grammar options in our catchment area are not good. They have a reputation for very bad behaviour and low attendance, don’t get good results, and all have pretty crap facilities and buildings compared to the girls’ grammar that dd will be going to.

I’m so worried that this will cause ds to resent dd - that she has so much better a school experience. I’m also worried that it will crush him to see some of his friends joining dd at the girls’ school or going to the boys’ grammar school, when he has next to no chance of getting in no matter how hard he works.

All this is leading Dh and I to wonder if we need to bite the bullet and move as quickly as possible to a comprehensive area, to be ready to apply for secondary schools for dd this time next year. On the one hand it would be lovely for dd and ds to go to the same school and have a shared school experience, and for ds not to feel ‘less than’ but I worry that I would be robbing dd of an amazing grammar school experience. She has never quite fitted in at primary school, and I think she’d do well in an environment where being clever wasn’t seen as ‘uncool’. On the other hand, I’ve heard that comprehensive schools stream in almost all subjects now, so maybe her classes wouldn’t be that different to a grammar school?

Sorry for rambling! Can I ask what you would do in this situation? Which dc’s education would you prioritise?

OP posts:
Greenandcabbagelooking · 30/12/2018 22:00

Could you move somewhere with good comps for DS, but within reach of the grammar for DD?

formerbabe · 30/12/2018 22:00

I'd 100% try to get your dd into the grammar school.

Cath2907 · 30/12/2018 22:02

Your son is 8!!!! Perhaps you are underestimating what he might achieve in a few years time?

formerbabe · 30/12/2018 22:02

The thing is anyone with more than one child who puts their eldest forward to do the eleven plus, has no guarantee whether any subsequent child will pass or not.

Whataboutbobbo · 30/12/2018 22:03

I would allow your dd to go to the best school she can get into and by the sounds of it, that sounds like the grammar school. Is private and option for ds?

Mudmonster · 30/12/2018 22:04

High school applications close at the end of October not January so if you’re going to do it needs to be sooner than you think.

AloneLonelyLoner · 30/12/2018 22:07

You need to send your dd to the grammar, but you really need to make sure that your son does get a place at a better school than the local comp (by the sounds of things). Plus, he’s 8 and he’s male. It’s very probable he’ll do better later. Boys are wired differently and mature at different rates to girls. Judging by his environment and genetics it’s very doubtful that he’s not capable of doing well. He will be. He just needs longer.

Original poster
sylviavana · 30/12/2018 22:08

Could you move somewhere with good comps for DS, but within reach of the grammar for DD?

There unfortunately aren’t any good comps near enough that dd could still attend the grammar school.

OP posts:
londonmummy1966 · 30/12/2018 22:08

So you want to sacrifice your daughter's chance of a good education because her less academic younger brother might be "upset"? Jesus wept!

FFS concentrate on getting your dd into the best school for her and then look at what the best option would be for your ds which doesn't have a detrimental impact on your daughter who - let's face it- still has a lot of odds against her due to her sex.

I came from a family background where a girl's education was seen as a low priority (family trust paid to educate boys privately but not girls) but I really thought that attitude had died out with my late but unlamented antediluvian great uncle.

NotAnotherJaffaCake · 30/12/2018 22:08

How close are you to decent comps? Can you get dd into a grammar and then move somewhere from which you can access both comps and the girls grammar?

Otherwise, I would be looking to move to a decent comp area. Your daughter sounds like she’ll be okay wherever, but your son could potentially lose out far more.

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 30/12/2018 22:09

Sorry but I think you need to prioritise DD in this situation - for no other reason than you’d be actively disadvantaging her by moving!

Imagine the conversation in 10 years time

DS- It wasn’t fair my school was awful!
You- It was a shame you didn’t get into the grammar school but X comprehensive was the other option around here!

Or

DD- It wasn’t fair! You moved house so that X could go to a middling school and stuck me there too! I could have done so much better! You literally went out of your way to screw me over!
You- .... 😬

If you move house to knowingly disadvantage your DD then it’s really rather unfair. As it stands DS has the opportunity to get into grammar - if he doesn’t then there’s a reason

Beamur · 30/12/2018 22:09

Maybe you also need to think about how you talk to the kids about the schools too. My DD sat the 11+ plus but we framed it not as pass/fail but as a way to find out which school would suit her better. Do you know anyone with kids at the local comp? Our non grammar is a perfectly good school and we wouldn't have minded DD going there.

Lovemylife01 · 30/12/2018 22:09

I think you should give dd a chance to go to grammar school and not give up on ds as you never know he could be motivated by dd by the time his to sit his 11+

Mousetrap3 · 30/12/2018 22:10

My dd was expected to pass her 11+ top of the class etc... she didn’t pass. Could you move somewhere midway between both schools?

NotAnotherJaffaCake · 30/12/2018 22:10

Sorry, just seen your post that you can’t get close to comps and grammar.

What a crappy choice. It’s not about doing your daughter down, it’s about ensuring both of your children get a chance to thrive. Any private options for DS if he doesn’t pass 11+? Agree with pp that he may just be getting started.

Original poster
sylviavana · 30/12/2018 22:13

We can’t afford private school - even moving house will be a stretch.

The only other option we can see (besides moving and sending both dd and ds to a comp) is:

  1. Getting dd into the grammar school next year.
  2. Selling the house, buy somewhere with good comps (would probably be 1-2 hours a way)
  3. Dh and dd to move in with his parents who live in the same town, so she can attend the grammar school.
  4. Ds and I to live in new house and get him into a good comp.

Dd and ds would travel to be with us at weekends.

Would you split your family during the week so that both dc could attend the best school for them? Or is that too drastic?

OP posts:
TeddybearBaby · 30/12/2018 22:14

We got my son into a grammar and we are moving now so my daughter has an option of grammar and good comps which she doesn’t have atm. It’s very hard to get these things ‘right’. That could be an option for you.

Do you mind saying where you are?

errorofjudgement · 30/12/2018 22:15

In this situation we looked to move to a comprehensive that would suit both DC. It was the right choice, at 11, DS2 probably wouldn’t have passed the 11+ as his literacy skills would’ve held him back.
As it was they were both in the best sets for their skills and both left school with A*s and As in their A levels.
Though to be fair, I really, really dislike selective education and was lucky to be in an area where most DC would be going to a non-selective school anyway, but the primary was strongly pushing us to put DS1 through the 11+

paddyclampitt · 30/12/2018 22:17

Let your DD go to the grammar school!

Your DS still might make it, don't write him off yet. But even if he doesn't, you can't screw up your DD's education just to make your DS feel better. The comp may not be as bad as you think, he may thrive there.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 30/12/2018 22:19

Where are you? I bet it’s possible for dd to go to the grammar and ds to go to a good comp.

I wouldn’t split the family over this no.

DillyDilly · 30/12/2018 22:19

I think you’re being ridiculous. In effect, you’re suggesting splitting up your family/not giving your daughter the best educational experience that suits her needs all because you clearly favour your son.

Are the local comps all that bad or is it grammar school parents telling you that.

cantkeepawayforever · 30/12/2018 22:20

The problem is that you don't have any comprehensives nearby - you have grammars and secondary moderns (renamed as a comprehensive but not comprehensive in intake) - and are therefore experiencing as a family the key issue with the selective system.

Where in the country do you need to be for jobs etc? There are some areas - either partially-selective counties, or the borders between selective and non-selective counties - where good 'near comprehensives' and grammars co-exist in a fragile balance, and if you have one of those cose enough to work for DH amnd yourself, it could be a solution.

JacquesHammer · 30/12/2018 22:22

As things stand, dd will be sitting the 11+ next year and is pretty much guaranteed to get into a great girls’ grammar school where I know she’ll thrive

Be very careful with assumptions. I know someone who thought her daughter was guaranteed to pass, telling everyone so. Daughter didn’t get in.

OwlBeThere · 30/12/2018 22:24

If your daughter is as bright as you say she will do well anywhere, your son however needs a school where he will be supported to achieve his best. His needs outweigh hers in this. For full disclosure purposes I hate the grammar school system with a passion and I wouldn’t send any child of mine to one.

Loopytiles · 30/12/2018 22:25

Do you live in one of the few areas with grammars taking the top 20/25%? If so, are you sure DS wouldn’t stand a chance with help / tuition?

If DD would be competing to enter a “superselective” then presumably if you later moved she would be one of many pupils with long commutes.