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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish my friends just lied?

276 replies

Outwards · 30/12/2018 19:37

About childbirth.

Honestly, as soon as I mention I'm TTC I'm instantly given the labour horror story of the year.

A close friend was so traumatised she swears never again. Another friend then tried to 'trump' her story. So many details.

Is labour always destined to be bloody awful, and why do you insist on scaring the shit out of your friends?! Please, for my sake, lie!

OP posts:
Touchmybum · 31/12/2018 17:41

@Outwards, seems weird to me to tell so many people, seeing how you are hearing so many gruesome birth stories. And then to post on MN so you can hear a load more? I guess I never felt the need to tell anyone I'd chucked the contraception and was having lots of sex, and I've been pregnant 5 times.

Anyway the birth is nothing compared to the next 18 years!!

Hailthelime · 31/12/2018 17:42

I wish I’d known the truth! Or maybe just that it can take bloody hours (I mean days)! I might have been more prepared! But mainly how everyone’s experience is so totally different!

Easilyflattered · 31/12/2018 17:45

OP I'm going to tell you labour wasn't as bad as expected, it really wasn't. My second was a drug free labour and bloody hurt but I got over it. And I only needed one stitch for both babies so not too bad. It's not always horrendous.

I did find the early weeks with a newborn hard though, I wish I'd accepted more offers of help.

MarvellousMonsters · 31/12/2018 17:46

Neither of my labours were horrific, I broke my toe and that hurt more than childbirth. Read, learn, educate yourself; Sheila Kitzinger, Michel Odent, Ina May Gaskin, read everything you can by them, and then ‘Childbirth Without Fear’ by Grantly Dick-Read.

Mummyten · 31/12/2018 17:46

Everyone is different - I was worried and ended up having an induction and epidural amd it was only half way through when the epidural wore off that it was painful - it was the most amazing instinctive experiences of my life and what ever happens it will become part of “your story” and I wish you very best and enjoy every second x

AmoAngelus · 31/12/2018 17:52

My pregnancy and labour was a complete horror story from start to finish with complication after complication which meant my child and I almost didn't didn't survive. I would never get pregnant again even though I desperately want another child...fortunately, the decision was made for me as if I do get pregnant again there is only a very small chance I will survive. I've been told not to. I didn't know such things could still happen with today's modern medicine. So yes, I tell people about it because I was not prepared and I really struggled afterwards.

My two best friends gave birth in under ten minutes!!! One has had two very large babies! Like "Wow this baby is so large we are seriously trying to talk you into a C-section because WOW!" and with her second, I was at her house! I left her house and I hadn't got to the end of her garden when she decided she was going to call her husband to take her to the hospital. I headed to the Gym for spin class, got out of spin class and I have about three photos of this newborn baby on my phone!!! Seriously! I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't literally JUST been at her house!!!

Not all labour stories are horrific, but sometimes....sometimes they can be and if you head in there thinking those things are a thing of the past you are completely unprepared for the midwife going completely white and shouting that you need a C-section or we're going to loose the baby, and rushing you down the hallway with people literally jumping on the cart trying to prep you for surgery before you arrive at theatre. Your husband is completely unprepared for "We have your baby, but your wife isn't doing so well. We've got specialists coming in. We're doing all we can. I'm sorry" And you're just sat there thinking "It's 2016. It's childbirth. How is this happening?"

VickyEadie · 31/12/2018 17:53

People do it for other 'medical' issues, too. A friend recently had a knee replacement and she got sick to death of people telling her stories of how badly it went for people they knew. And they're still doing it to her!

Chickoletta · 31/12/2018 17:56

I had a tricky time with DS1 for unusual reasons but there's no way I'd inflict the story on an expectant friend! I really enjoyed DD's birth 3 years later though. It hurt but was totally straightforward and amazing. I used to run competitively and seriously found half marathons more tiring and painful than giving birth and I did them for fun! I'd love a third child but we've decided against and I actually feel disappointed that I won't give birth again. Don't listen and good luck!

Nighttimenope · 31/12/2018 18:03

I’d say you’re not unreasonable to want them to lie, but you’re unreasonable to expect them to. There’s no reason your desire for naivety should trump their desire to express their lived reality. Difficult labours and birth cause genuine trauma and women don’t need to pretend it doesn’t for the sake of people’s happy thoughts! Silence and ignorance is so damaging to women’s health.

toomuchtooold · 31/12/2018 18:04

I think the reason people share their horror stories is that talking about it helps process the trauma. And I've read that traumatic experiences tend to have a less negative effect on people who had some measure of control over what was happening to them, so I wonder if telling novices about it makes people feel more in control of their own experiences.

I wouldn't know - nobody ever wanted to hear my birth story. I'm guessing it was because I had twins. Every time I've found myself in a circle of women swapping birth stories, somehow, the subject seems to change before it gets to my turn. It wasn't even that bad! I mean it wasn't fun, but I had an epidural and a spinal block, and the kids survived with no I'll effects, so there's a limit to how bad it could be...

SalomesDance · 31/12/2018 18:06

I've given birth 3 times and they were all really quick. Not so much painful, more like the feeling you get when you clench your fist as hard as you can - that sort of feeling. Very intense.

kmckenna477 · 31/12/2018 18:17

Have a C section. By the time you experience any pain you have your gorgeous baby and nothing else matters.

Aspergallus · 31/12/2018 18:21

Outwards I have had 3 babies, 3 very different births, but after each one I felt amazing. The sense of achievement and the love you feel for your baby makes it all worth it and each time I knew I wanted to do it all over again.

What I would say is don’t leave things to chance. A huge part of how birth goes is down to the position of the baby. In the past women worked in jobs that had them on their feet all day -this actually made for babies adopting the best position for a quick vaginal delivery. Nowadays we spend time on sofas and driving which tends to make for a back to back presentation (their spine toward yours instead of towards the front) especially in first time mums when the space is tight. That’s why there are so many more sections and forceps deliveries now. It’s back to back babies that tend to give first time Mums the horror birth stories. If you do any exercise in pregnancy make sure the focus is optimal foetal postioning, look at spinningbabies.com and download their videos.

user1472151176 · 31/12/2018 18:23

My first labour was amazing! It ended not so great but for the majority it hurt, yes but the excitement to finally meet my precious little bundle was incredible. An odd feeling- almost like being on a long car journey to go on holiday. The journey sucks and everyone's had enough of being stuck in the car but the thrill about final destination makes the journey bearable.
Don't listen to the stories - we all have birth stories some are good and some are bad. Good luck and best wishes for your arrival. Smile

twinklenicci · 31/12/2018 18:27

People wouldn't keep having children if it was SOOOO bad!
I have 3 kids 19 , 18 and 5 and had 2 miscarriages in between , one was at 17 weeks and was quite traumatic , but it didn't stop me from having another try lol ..... Honestly everyone's birth is different my 3 were all born by c-section , but the miscarriage at 17 weeks i had to deliver .
I found carrying them in the last few weeks worse than the birth if i'm honest :) ( Ds 10lb1, DD1 9lb6 , DD2 8lb 3 - 3 weeks early)
Please so not worry !!! I don't understand why people have to glorify it to sound like some sort of horror movie.

abcriskringle · 31/12/2018 18:29

I had a traumatic first birth and honestly I was fucking livid that I didn't know it could be so bad. I tell people (who ask) because I think it a lot of the trauma stemmed from not realising how bad it can be.

Fwiw, I'm not ttc number 2. I will absolutely be getting a c-section next time though!

Dillydallyalltheway · 31/12/2018 18:31

As others have said, yes it hurts like hell BUT the second your holding your baby the pain honestly is forgotten. People like to tell horror stories and I wish they didn’t but forgetting the pain is true

Triskaidekaphilia · 31/12/2018 18:33

Are they trying to make you feel better because you're struggling to concieve? I know some well meaning but misguided people who would do that sort of thing Hmm

zeeboo · 31/12/2018 18:42

I am honest but I'm lucky to have had incredibly quick labours, two causing me to be treated for shock, and I love labour and birth.
But reading on forums it's not the done thing to be honest about quick labours as it's 'bragging' so you can't win really.

chickaletta2020 · 31/12/2018 18:43

Every labour and birth is completely different, no one has any idea what's going to happen so you really can't compare to any other. Look into hypnobirthing!

I had one birth in a birthing pool in hospital and then another at home in our own birth pool, both amazing, painful yes but utterly worth it

MycatiscalkedElvis · 31/12/2018 18:45

Yes it’s painful ( think period pain x 100 ) but fook me it’s so wonderful and worth it! Otherwise everyone would stop at one child. Don’t stress, enjoy your pregnancy and look forward to meeting your bubba x

Havana7 · 31/12/2018 18:46

I was induced, 2 days mild pain and 1 day worse pain....it was manageable and totally worth it but I was so surprised everyone talked about how awful labour was and no one mentioned the aftermath! For me that was worse.

chickaletta2020 · 31/12/2018 18:48

Also I think people like to get a bit smug like they're in some kind of 'I've given birth cult' it then goes into a 'I've experienced the terrible 2's cult' the 'wait until teenage years' cult is the worse.......

lily2403 · 31/12/2018 18:51

3 straightforward, hurts but so worth it. Just put your fingers in your ears and sing la la la la la until they stop or go away

Deadbudgie · 31/12/2018 18:53

Amoangelus sorry you went through that. Sounds v similar to what I went through. On the positive side it’s amazing just how quick they can get the baby out. But there seems a conspiracy of science over just how dangerous childbirth can still be in the 21st century