To wish my friends just lied?

[Outwards]

About childbirth.

Honestly, as soon as I mention I'm TTC I'm instantly given the labour horror story of the year.

A close friend was so traumatised she swears never again. Another friend then tried to 'trump' her story. So many details.

Is labour always destined to be bloody awful, and why do you insist on scaring the shit out of your friends?! Please, for my sake, lie!

Haha @mumsastudent I'm a runner and that's EXACTLY what I viewed labour as being like! Great to start with, some tough bits, but crossing that finish line is pure elation!

Tell them to fuck the fuck off.
And dont worry.
4 births in my family, all traumatic, none of us have ever discussed or told people how bad it was because it pales in comparison to the end result - a baby.
I know a few women who are pregnant now who ive told my birth story to in a matter of fact way rather than 'oh my it was such a horror', but im always positive. Because id do it again.

Yes it's hurts like hell yes you split and bleed. You can't sit, piss or shower properly for a week but you know what I'd do it a million times over for that feeling you get when you first hold them and they first look up at you even though they are still covered in gunk it's absolutely amazing they look up at you and hold your finger so tightly that feeling makes all the shitty bits go away in a flash.

I am a midwife and all labours are different, I have delivered many babies and no two experiences are the same. I have also had 3 children of my own that were very different from each other as well.
What I tell my mums to be is that think of it as the hardest days work you will ever do but with the biggest reward at the end.
Trust in your own body and think of the beautiful end result, you will be amazed what your body can do.

I never told anyone we were ttc

@Holidayshopping we've been trying for quite awhile and I've needed to reach out for a bit of emotional support through the rollercoaster so that's why friends/family know.

It also stopped the barrage of 'so when are you guys having kids? Arent you pregnant yet!?' as it was getting harder to brush aside each time.

It varies. For me with DD if death had been an option I'd of taken it. And I still stand by that 20 years afterwards. I had an abusive husband though, which makes a massive difference. Get your support right & be open to trying anything & you'll be fine.

I was asked about how the birth went and was told they wanted to hear everything. I got half way through telling her and was told to stop as it was awful. That made me feel like shit...

Everyone should be able to tell their birth story honestly, and most women are smart enough to work out that not all are awful but shit can happen.

Oysterbabe

My 2 popped out in a few hours no bother.

Best story ever. Thank you.

I don’t think it’s fair to ask women to deny their experiences.

It really can be bad, it can equally be straightforward.

Some people like to share, just tell them to stop if it bothers you - but I would suggest this is a good opportunity to harden your emotional boundaries!
Unsolicited opinions will come thick and fast soon!

Ah it's a tricky one. I was in the position of thinking I was prepared as I'd done NCT but actually i wasn't. I was under the illusion I wouldn't tear as I'd done perennial massage when the reality is almost 90pc of first time births tear. I wish I'd known as it was a big shock. If you've asked people to spare you the gory details though it's rude of people to keep talking about it.

One other thing to mention is that a lot of people are actually genuinely traumatised by their birth especially if it didn't go how they thought or it was a difficult one, and talking about it can actually be one way of coming to terms with it and getting over it.

Well if you must broadcast it, then don't be surprised at the responses you get...

I hope you don't encounter any problems on the way because you may come to regret being so candid.

I am sure you will have just as snippy a comeback to these people that you had to me.

If it helps my first labour was a breeze! Less than 2 hours active labour, very short pushing stage and I honestly wouldn’t say it was painful, more intense. I could have given birth multiple times that week. My sons birth wasn’t bad but not as easy as my first. Every labour is different. I recommend hypnobirthing.

I think this has a lot to do with how amazed you end up being of yourself afterwards.
Mine wasn't straightforward but I'm not ashamed to admit (on MN), that I felt a bit heroic after it. I never expected myself or my body to be able to do what it did. So when people like your friends tell their stories, it's probably because it makes them feel good about themselves and what they overcome/achieved.

It's not a pleasant experience, don't get me wrong, but people wouldn't do it again and again if it was THAT bad.

Just keep your eyes on the prize!

I wish people had been more honest about the negatives of childbirth. I was unable to give informed consent to various procedures because I didn't know or understand the consequences of what I was agreeing to (I thought the rosy NCT version was the version...).

Having an unrealistic expectation of what my birth would be like meant I was unprepared and shocked. It badly, very badly, affected my mental health.

I hope you have a good birth, a straight forward one but it really is a roll of the dice.

My mother terrified me with birth horror stories when l was a teenager. So much that l chose not to have children (l have two grown up stepsons).
However... l found out later that l was actually born in the bed during visiting time, she never actually made it to a labour ward. My dad went to fetch a nurse, and they said "oh, she'll go ages yet!" - when he came back l was half out, so it must have been pretty quick.
People deal with things in different ways, they have different perceptions, and pain thresholds. You'll be in good hands. My MIL was a midwife before she retired and l'd have trusted her to get me through it, if l'd been younger. Good luck, and enjoy your baby x

I am the mother of 4 children.My first labour was fine at first, then scary, then terrifying as the pain kicked in and I wasn't sure if I could do it. But seriously, there was no choice, and my baby boy arrived, glaring at me for his rude expulsion Second boy, I knew what was coming, I knew how to time it, I knew what pain relief was needed. Third pregnancy, first daughter, oh so quick and although painful, over and done with within seconds. Fourth child, second daughter - a bit of cramp, a feeling of 'oh fuck that hurts and now it's gonna get worse' but then she was suddenly here, looking at me quizzically.

I had absolutely no fear of childbirth because I hadn't heard horror stories and all I ever thought about was that women having been giving birth for thousands of years and any sort of medical intervention is a very recent thing (in terms of childbirth). I literally never considered that anything would go wrong (other than a persistent fear of a still birth) I was induced and ignored my midwifes advice to stop hitting the epidural button an hour before I pushed so I could feel enough to push.

End result? No stitches, no instruments used etc. I pushed for 20 minutes and birthed a 8lb 12 oz child. The only thing I focused on was pushing like I was trying to poo as I had read online that is how you need to push.

Everything went swimmingly and the midwives said I was built for childbirth etc.

Funnily enough, now that I've heard how many things can go wrong, I'm terrified to do it again just in case shit goes sideways the 2nd time around.

So my advice would be to ignore everything and just remember that women have been doing this for a long time. Focus on yourself and don't let fear ruin it for you. Ignorance is bliss I suppose but I'm a firm believer in it when it comes to this sort of thing.

Those that tell you about bad experiences are probably still a bit traumatised. Those that had an okay experience are probably not so vocal about it. But if you have had a hard time, you're also probably of the view that you wished you'd known in advance so you wouldn't feel so bad that it didn't go exactly how you wished.

I'm sure there are tons of women for whom it goes brilliantly. I've certainly heard their stories. If it bothers you that much, just tell people you only want to hear positive stories.

But if it does go well for you, it's fortunate and not because you tried harder or believed more.

@ThursdayLastWeek I don’t think it’s fair to ask women to deny their experiences.

This.

My first one was pretty tough, my second was 4 hrs on only half a shot of pethidine (9lb baby), once I had the first I said “I’m not doing that again”, I’d forgotten that within a month. The female body is designed to give birth and then forget it was hard.
Having children is the best thing I’ve ever done, and is my life’s triumph and purpose. First one took 28 hours, second 4, it’s not that long really, to give you the most amazing gift!
Do it, you’ll never regret it...

I have 3, and 2 normal 1 C Section.
The C Section was lovely, calm and dignified. But I felt someone just handed me a baby, I didn't 'give birth'.
The two normal births were different. One 50 min labour, almost a constant contraction. One 10 hour back to back, less intense but bloody annoying and painful. Both times the pain was bad, but manageable. Just as you think it can't get worse and you can't cope, it goes away again.
And when the baby comes the pain is forgotten and is totally worth the undignified pushing and grunting. It's amazing. And you will find it as such.
If it were awful nobody would have more than one. x

@Outwards Read OzzieGirl's post. Read it over and over. It's pretty much all you need to know.

My two births were different. Painful? Sure, you betcha (no meds either time), hurt like hell. But both experiences were absolutely, 1000% amazing. I felt like Superwoman. Hell, I was fucking Superwoman!!!

Even 36 and 29 years on, I can still feel the determination, then the euphoria I felt then. Greatest two days of my life.

Good luck in TTC. And tell those with horror stories to STFU.

@Touchmybum there's no need for that, you might be taking things a bit personally there

How is reaching out for support when I'm experiencing fertility issues 'broadcasting' it?

It also depends on your attitude going in. If you expect it to be awful, then more likely than not, it will be. Go in with a positive thoughts and it is likely to be more positive. I think the horrific births are mainly ones that are induced (makes it more painful) and have interventions.

I didn’t particularly enjoy labour, it was the most pain I’d ever experienced, but it was a very straightforward birth with no interventions, opiate drugs or epidural. I just had gas and air, walked about to begin with and bounced on a ball towards the end and used breathing techniques I got from yoga and mindfulness/hypnobirthing to focus and distract mysely from the pain. Little one arrived just over 6 hours after I went into labour. So mine was a quite positive birth in that respect.
My sister, however, had an awful birth first birth and nearly died during her second. Both times she was induced and had interventions. She also had opiate drugs and an epidural. She said she was off her face and lost 3 hours on the opiate drugs (think it was something beginning with a p) and said she’d never have that again. So after hearing her birth stories I decided to do the opposite of what she did and also kept active and tried pregnancy yoga and hypnobirthing (sis just ate cake, and didn’t make a birth plan and basically just “winged it”. I personally like to be more in control).

It's tricky, because in my experience of friends etc (not me directly as I had an elcs, but I know a lot of birth accounts from friends), something almost always complicates birth, even if it's minor. There's a chance it'll be like shelling peas, but that doesn't seem to reflect most women's experiences.

If I'd had a difficult birth, I'd like to think I'd keep quiet until asked, but I think that can be difficult for some women, and for everyone who wishes they knew less, there are others who wish they'd been told more.

Even in this thread, do we avoid saying what it's like, or why some women feel the need to talk about it, and nod silently that most births?

Most people I know had some difficulties. Some had none, some were truly awful. But they all survived with surviving babies, and do not regret having a baby. Because to be frank, they are worth it a thousand times over. Many have gone on to have more children.

If you really don't want to know, then just tell friends this as soon as they start.