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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family inviting themselves on hoildays

270 replies

gh73 · 30/12/2018 12:10

I recently booked a trip to Thailand with my husband for some much needed alone time and found out the other day that without even asking a faimly member has booked flights same dates and times. I am so annoyed as they never asked us and they are also travelling with toddlers for the 14 hour flight 😬😬 This is our first hoilday like this and a trip of a life time for us, I wanted a romantic get away for myself and my husband and I am so annoyed that without even asking just bunked in on the trip. I absolutely love the kids but this our first trip without our children aa they are older and it changes the whole dynamic especially on a trip like this. Now it's really awkward, they are asking us where we are staying, dates ect so it's either offend them by telling them we want to do our own thing or spend the trip with them?? Help 🤯

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 30/12/2018 17:24

OP, have a proper honest conversation with your DH first. If he's been giving her information, let him know you have no intention of interacting with her during the holiday. If SIL is the kind of person no one likes upsetting because she tantrums, make sure your DH understands you can drop a bigger tantrum if you don't get your holiday for 2.....

He needs to be aware of consequences. Make sure he has some.

bigKiteFlying · 30/12/2018 17:34

My husband didn't seem to bothered so it's already causing argument s with us as it's his sister.

DH answered some pefectly normal questions from MIL about our family holiday next thing they were coming as well booked same resort at same time.

I think he was taken back but it was all set up before we could object and I think he hadn't realised how much they would impact, fell for the whole oh we'll baby sit so you can go out which didn't happen and didn't want to rock the boat with them.

Happened again few times as assumption was we were fine with it. It quiet a lot to get our one holiday by oursleves - they went on many others each year

I'd look into moving dates - see if it's possible if not be very unfront you don't want to meet on holiday.

Ellie56 · 30/12/2018 17:40

I agree this is being done to engineer holiday baby sitting services. Who on earth takes two toddlers on a 14 hour flight? It was bad enough taking our three on a 2 hour flight, especially when DS2 decided he wanted to get off after half an hour!

If your DH is being such a wimp, you will have to sort it out so you get the holiday you want.

Start by ringing up the airline to change the flight. If the toddlers know you are on the same plane as them, they will want to see /be with Auntie and Uncle gh73 even if you have seats at the other end of the aircraft!

If you've already booked your hotel, change it for an adults only one. And don't give any details out as it is all "a surprise for DH" as this is a special holiday just for the two of you.

I can't believe how many Mumsnetters seem to have such cheeky relatives! Shock

Handprints2018 · 30/12/2018 17:45

You should tell your dh he will be baby sitting on his own then! He's not betwwen a rock and hard place, he's being spectacularly wet over this. Or hes happy to be encroached on and the babysitting will fall to you.

IrmaFayLear · 30/12/2018 17:46

I can imagine how it cropped up. Dh: "Oh, we're off to Thailand in February -" Sil: "Oh, yes? Oh, we'd love to go there - we could join you!" Dh: "Erm, yes, er, ahem, that would be nice..."

All these suggestions to tell the sil straight... that's not how it works in real life. Some people have a bit of a thick skin and then can be terribly offended, causing a big family rift. I think it's best to try to be creative, telling them you've booked a tour etc.

Diplomacy exists for a reason. Excuses are not for wimps, but to smooth relations with people that are going to last for longer than a holiday.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 30/12/2018 18:15

I would be rude say I didnt realise you were coming with us ...when was this decided? Its not what I want then change the whole lot depending on their answer...try the maldives instead and for the love of god tell them nothing ....

HavelockVetinari · 30/12/2018 18:17

You have my sympathy! Why don't you ring the airline, tell them exactly what's happened, and see if they'll move your flights as a favour? If it's Emirates or similar they're usually really nice.

lalalalyra · 30/12/2018 18:25

My husband didn't seem to bothered so it's already causing argument s with us as it's his sister.

Are you sure that in not sounding too bothered he didn't actually say it was fine?

My BIL did this once. His mate loved his holiday plans and joked about him, his wife and their DD going at the same time. BIL said "you should!" He didn't think before answering.

So they did, and it was ages before BIL's then GF realised they weren't absolute CF'ers, but that her boyfriend had said it was ok... For ages BIL tried to play the "it's awkward" card before he had to admit to her that he'd said it was ok.

AutumnCrow · 30/12/2018 18:26

The DH sounds like an idiot. The SIL sounds like an idiot. Her own DP must be an idiot to go along with this abject nonsense.

I wouldn't go. No way.

AutumnCrow · 30/12/2018 18:30

I think @lalalalyra has it. OP's husband has in some way sanctioned this.

FuckingYuleLog · 30/12/2018 18:38

How would sil know the dates and times to book flights for if your dh hasn’t invited her to join you? Flight times aren’t exactly something you’d drop into the conversation if you were just telling someone about your planned holiday.
Though later you say is she now asking you about dates. Had she actually booked or not?
I’d tell her that the hotel you are staying in is adults only (whether it is or not). Very unfair of your dh if he has invited her though as she might not want to go alone and will have forked out a fair bit on flights that I doubt she’ll be able to get back.

Confusedbeetle · 30/12/2018 18:40

Offend them now and be quick

delboysskinandblister · 30/12/2018 18:46

offend them now and be quick

Yes. Yes! Do this immediately! If not sooner.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 30/12/2018 18:53

If it's a multi-destination trip, then dates are relevant.

DeepanKrispanEven · 30/12/2018 18:56

I think you need to get in first with the "being offended" game: it's one of the most effective ways to head off someone else taking offence. Make it clear that you are really offended that they think it's OK to muscle in on your second honeymoon and you expect them to backtrack ASAP.

cuppycakey · 30/12/2018 19:02

I agree - Dh will have said "what a fabulous idea - here's our full itinerary"

In which case you probably have to kill him OP Grin

LokiBear · 30/12/2018 19:03

My mil did this. Booked her hol, found out where we had booked, cancelled and rebooked next door to us. Pretended the whole thing was accidental. It was a horrible holiday and one I wouldnt ever repeat.

cstaff · 30/12/2018 19:07

Tell your husband "I hope you have a great holiday with your sis and bil. Not sure where I will be but it won't be bloody Thailand ". See how he reacts to that.

CoraPirbright · 30/12/2018 19:07

I would def winkle it out of dh - did he sanction this either by not wishing to be rude, accident or actively inviting them.

Then - how good an actress are you OP? Could you make a really good good stab at incredulity?:
OP: DH tells me that you have booked to go to Thailand also but I said that no way would you do that! Two toddlers on a 14 hour flight is utter madness!!
Interloper: oh yes I have booked those flights!
OP: OMG WHY?? (V important - stay silent after this question)
Interloper: well I thought it would be lovely to have a family holiday
OP: OH.....(long, uncomfortable pause)...well I have to be honest with you SIL. We have saved up for this for ages - its a trip of a lifetime, a second honeymoon, if you will. We never imagined we would be joined by anyone. We were SO looking forward to it just being the two of us (Paddington bear stare).

Then bloody change your flights. Your SIL is RUDE (unless your wet weekend of a DH was unable to say no to her).

Lookatmeeee · 30/12/2018 19:40

My sil does this, in fact has booked up on the last 4 holidays with us and my other sil. Have told dh in no uncertain terms if it happens again, I won't be going on the holiday. Bloody rude and I've said to her we wanted it just us, family holiday , all ignored with were family too. Hide of a rhino.

SynchroSwimmer · 30/12/2018 23:15

“We are having a couples break, we have some issues that the two of us need to talk through - but maybe we could meet up with you for lunch one day”?

(If you can find a babysitter?)

Eilaianne · 30/12/2018 23:23

No idea why people are suggesting placating or lying or misleading here - this is a case of being black and white about it.
Say what's in your OP, tell them it's a romantic break for the two of you, not wider family, and you don't understand why they've booked.

And if it's not cancelled by them, cancel it yourself. Life is too short to spend £££s on someone else's dream Holiday.

Handprints2018 · 30/12/2018 23:34

I agree with being honest though i think this part of the pp text We are having a couples break, we have some issues that the two of us need to talk through will be very true if they are on the same flight. The issue will just be the sister and family! Grin

Weenurse · 30/12/2018 23:45

We booked a holiday to Fiji when DD1 was 1 year old. DH discussed this at work, next thing I know work colleagues had booked to come too!
Luckily I had excuse of naps etc. to get away from them.

Leeds2 · 30/12/2018 23:52

As others have said, I think you need to clarify with DH whether or not he has encouraged his sister in any way at all with her plans. I suspect he has!
Adults only hotel is a great idea. I would book it, and not tell DH beforehand. If he wants to leave the complex to be with his sister, or babysit her children, let him. You don't have to.
I would actually want to switch my booking to an entirely different country, but I couldn't do that without letting DH know and I wouldn't trust your DH not to tell his sister so that she could change her booking too.
I hope you get it sorted.

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