Found DS (15) Weed/Cannabis huge stash

[CallMeRachel]

I've researched topics on this here but not many replies on teenagers or addictions sections so posting here for broader advice and opinions.

I have been aware for a while that my 15 year old son occasionally smokes weed with his friends. I have always told him that I don't approve and that I believe it can be triggering to mental health issues and to never bring it into our home.

Recently he's been smelling strongly of weed on a daily basis.

He got a fairly large amount of money for Christmas this year from us as well other family members.
This money was given as he asked for money to buy clothes in the sales.
He doesn't have any income from a part time job or anything.

I've gone into his room tonight while he's out and sitting on his bedside unit in full view is a Kilner jar 3/4 full of weed.

I feel completely out of my depth with this and how I should deal with it. It seems that cannabis is so widely used/accepted now that I'm unsure how big a deal this actually is.
I've never been a cannabis smoker and disapprove of it as I do believe it can be harmful to mental health as well as be a gateway drug.

Honestly, wibu to take the whole jar and hide or dispose of it?

Should I ask the police or school for help? Will they help or will they be only interested in getting a case against him?
I don't want my house searched and my child arrested and future prospects ruined for what could be a stupid phase.

The amount that's there is making me worried he's started dealing, there's no way that's just personal use?

Can anyone tell me what that amount of weed would cost?

He's out overnight at a friends just now and I can't sleep for worrying how I should approach this. It's all very well saying report him to the police, get him arrested etc but that's not going to help either him or us in the long run.

I need to handle this carefully but don't want to be a passive parent, nor a OTT one that goes overboard and makes matters worse.

AIBU in being absolutely clueless on how to deal with this and to be asking on here for help and advice?

Ypu do know the only reason it was illegal was because tobacco companies felt they would lose money from it! Ypu are the one deluded! Yes it can make people paranoid but it's not gunna put ypu in a mental institution!! Fs people are clearly weed Virgins!

He’s 15. Is he in year11? GCSES coming up soon? This could be a stress thing- a way to cope with exam pressure. Some students go down this path and weed is not a drug that goes hand in hand with excellent revision and good exam results. Aside from the arguments about health and effects on mental health, I’d be concerned he is about to screw up an important school year.
I would discuss his with him and ascertain how long he expects that jar to last for. I would share my concerns. I would involve school. This is not the time for him to be getting high every day.

Megan the stuff kids are smoking today is a world away from what people were smoking when it was first criminalised.

Thanks for the more recent, sensible posters, in particular @Helmetbymidnight who seems to have the measure of things.

It certainly wasn't helpful to reach out during a worrying time and be attacked by vile troll hunters like Lovebenedorm.

I don't see why it's hard to believe that I'm talking about a 15 year old. This is my problem at the moment and for me, it's terrifying. I suffer with anxiety and naturally fear the worst.

To pp who mentioned stress, ds suffers with anxiety, anger problems and has adhd symptoms throughout his life. I believe he is self medicating to cope.

I know many people think this is a minor thing as it's a harmless drug but my concern is the bigger picture. Lack of boundaries, self discipline, lack of motivation to do anything, no studying, potentially failing at school, unable to hold down a job, mixing with others on a downhill slope and ending up in the gutter. No one wants this for their kids.

I'm glad the overall advice is not to go to the police. I woke have done so anonymously for advice and shown them the photo but given how things are now I wouldn't risk it. I don't believe police/prosecutors 'help' people who've made mistakes in committing crime/taking drugs.

The law is very black and white in these matters and like @HeronLanyon says, the line between personal use and holding/sharing for others/supply is rather fine.

I'd like to be able to access support via the school who I'd expect should work in partnership with other agencies, but I don't want to kick off something that goes the wrong way and backfires for ds.

I know schools are duty bound to report certain things and may be obligated to inform the police etc. If anyone here has knowledge from this particular side of things I'd be grateful for your input.

I don’t think school would be interested in reporting anything if it’s not on school grounds- however I’m not100%

If the school have got good pastoral care, I would try and access their support. You’re not alone- there are loads of parents in this position.

15 is a really tricky age, and it’s good you’ve already recognised the anxiety, anger issues- is he getting help for those? Try and be both firm - drugs in the home is an absolute no - but also calm, loving and open about feelings/stress/coping methods.

It’s bloody difficult!

I have similar issues with my adhd son, he is 14. I rang Frank, they gave me the name of a local agency to go to. I haven’t called them yet. My son says he uses weed to calm down. Camhs are aware. However it seems to be getting out of hand. Like you I am not sure if the next steps. Just trying to keep communication lines open at the moment. I can’t ban it; I don’t want him not telling me about it. It’s very worrying though.

This may be missing the point a little but you posted a 2.28am saying you'd found the jar while your son was out...? Was he still out when you posted?

It's a while since I was 15 but holidays or not surely 15 is far too young to be out at that time? Genuinely asking as I've seen posts recently about 14/15 year olds staying out till all hours. Unless he was staying overnight at friends?

Anyway OP I'd remove jar, see what happens. And have a plan in place to deal with it (reduced privileges/curfews etc) If he doesn't bring it up you need to.

Weed is a huge deal when smoking regularly when the brain is still developing

Ask anyone who works in mh with young adults it is causing far far more problems than alcohol and it’s not all skunk related

And then there is the strength that is the concern that the op has no idea of

It’s very tricky situation as at the moment his peers will be more influential than you and plus it’s something that he enjoys

Agree with maybe approaching the school pastoral care team or get in contact with local surf support groups for advice

I would suggest seeing what help is available in your area, such as
www.catch-22.org.uk/

failing that, a self-referral to social services.

Have you searched his room yet?

If you think he is vulnerable, look up Cuckooing.

I recognise your anxiety op.

My dd14 has dabbled in weed. I've found it in her room and I've seen texts on her phone from a dealer. I know she's bought some when 'going in to town'. At a recent party she held at our house, there was weed, nitrous oxide canisters and ecstasy. She took them all. (I too was disbelieved by many until I posted a photo).

Since it's all come out in the open, it's easier to monitor and at present I have no concerns she's dealing.

The main issue was her anger that I had found it! Even tho it wasn't that well hidden, she went ballistic about the fact I had 'snooped' in her room. No recognition of what I had found, or remorse tbh.

If I were you, I would definitely remove it and expect anger. I would not involve the police and I'm not sure school would do much, seeing as it's not in school premises. It would be good if he would agree to drug counselling (my dd scoffed at this!) but try and remain calm, no shouting etc.

Good luck!

The 'bigger picture ' worries me too op. DD is adamant that 'everybody does it', 'it's not a big deal' etc and if I knew it was going to remain a low level thing, I wouldn't worry so much.

But she hates school and won't engage with any help and already at 14 has taken more drugs than I've done in my life! I catastrophise with visions of her as a dead beat druggie with no qualifications which is clearly extremely unhelpful! But....I wish I had a crystal ball to the future.

I’m shocked at some of the laid back replies here.

I have a 15 year old dd. If I found a jar full of weed in her bedroom I’d go absolutely batshit!

The jar would be going in the bin. She’d be grounded indefinitely and certainly not allowed to go out with the same weed smoking friends. I’d speak to the school about it and I would also change the wifi password and not give it to her until I was convinced she had stopped smoking - both normal cigarettes and weed. Absolutely disgusting habit and damaging to long term health, both things. 15 is still young enough to say nope, you’re not doing that.

But then we are a teetotal, rural living outdoorsy type family. Dd never goes out in the evening as there just isn’t the local transport to do so, all her friends are the same. Any friend meet ups are parental drop off ones where they go for a costa in the town and a wander round Superdrug and are then picked up again. All very wholesome and they are all very anti drugs / anti smoking / anti drink. So I guess it’s just a totally different atmosphere- and very different from the one I grew up in myself in a rough part of south London!

But @Fairylea, much as I’d like to imprison my son and ban all drugs indefinitely, if I did what you said he would start doing it all outside my knowledge. He has already told me there is nothing I can do. He is much bigger than me physically, and is an angry and irritable boy. Everyone I have referred to about this says that the only way is to keep them on side. For my DS I know he is highly anxious; I don’t want him to deal with the anxiety this way, however I know he will find a way - without money it’s more dangerous as they start doing favours to get their hands on the weed. It is such a dilemma

Interestingly My DD is quite the opposite; anti drugs, anti drink, very conscientious.

Squeegle I can understand that. I do have sympathy. I just can’t imagine ever being as calm about it. For me I would just literally lose my shit over it. I’ve seen too many people lose their lives (not literally, just in every aspect) to smoking themselves silly.

Fairy, for my part I have had to adapt and try to calm down. I have been having CBT to help me. Have realised that being angry and going mental does not help. In fact quite the reverse. Your teen just thinks it’s evidence that you are barking and there is even less reason to listen to you.

In answer to question about my ds being at 2:28 am when I originally posted; yes he was given permission to stay overnight at a friends house nearby.
We know who he is with and where he is. We can track him for reassurance. He is 15 but close to 16.

We want to keep communications open with ds, we know teens will do things regardless of parents wishes/advice.
I have searched his room a bit and found a drawstring bag he's been using to store items in. It contains cigarette papers, lighters and a grinder. I also found a school jotter cut all over on the back cover, presumably to make filters?

The links to help/support are really helpful, also I wasn't aware we could self refer to SW. I will consider this depending on the outcome of today's discussions when we sit down with him and 'the jar'.

I was originally going to post the photo of the jar and contents on here but decided not to after the vitriol and personal attacks.

I remember on a parking thread one poster was outed by some obsessed MNetter using GPS coordinates of the photo she posted  I would be happy to share the photo privately with a member of MNHQ if they have any doubt over the validity of my post.

@Fairylea I had the same type of upbringing as yourself and this is where I'm struggling. Unfortunately, as @Squeegle says, it's not black and white. There's so many issues wrapped around this, particularly in children who are struggling within themselves already.

Hi all,

There's an awful lot of troll hunting here.

We've no reason to be concerned about the OP - but we're taking the thread down now, as by the time we remove all the posts that break TGs, there won't be a thread left.

If you ever have doubts, please just get in touch with us so that we can have a look, rather than derailing.

Thanks

@SophieLMumsnet so I lose any support and advice given here due to @Lovingbenidorm ??

Why not ban her?

That’s a shame. Last night there were a lot of very odd threads and a few thought this was one too. Overall though there’s been a lot of valuablenhelpful advice.

@sophielmumsnet Please don’t take the thread down; it is useful for us all to share experiences.

It’s good that he was out when you found it- you’ve had time to process it.
Losing your shit with them doesn’t usually work (speaking from experience ) - you end up hating yourself and feeling sorry for them.
For me, finding the drugs was a wake up call as I realised he was inmore difficulty than I’d known. It might be different for your ds and just experimental/having fun/parties, but if not, and if it’s a deeper problem, do contact all the agencies you can - and if pos, spend money on private counselling- I think that was the thing that helped usmost(unfortunately£)

You are taking it down because lovingbenidorm posted shitty comments about ten times?

That hardly seems fair.

Possibly the school nurse would be a good start... they might have a different level of confidentiality than the school and you may find you can speak more liberally with them (check first though as that is the case in Australia)

Why take the thread down?! It’s a really interesting discussion.