Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you really feel about your step children?

162 replies

Unhappybear · 29/12/2018 16:16

I’ve just had a bit of a hard week with DP’s DD who has been staying with us over xmas. I find it hard to not speak up sometimes and voice my opinion when she is acting like a brat (which is a lot of the time) she gets away with a lot and is very rarely told off, I think DP feels guilty for not being around as often as he’d like, so not to create drama he lets her do what she wants. He told me today he was afraid to upset her incase she goes back to her mum and say she doesn’t want to visit us again as she’s had a bad time. I think it’s very manipulative and I cannot believe my DP isn’t firmer with her. He is currently driving her back to her mums and I’m laying here thinking..... I don’t want her to ever visit again.... that’s awful isn’t it? I’m also wondering if DP and I have DC together would we disagree on parenting? I think I’d be strict, I believe children should have firm boundaries. Can anyone please offer advice or words or reassurance if you’ve been in a similar boat?

OP posts:
ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 29/12/2018 16:18

We had a rough few years with DSDs 1&2 (more 1). All good now though, BUT we were a united front from day 1 and DP never Disney dads.

He needs to tell her when she’s out of line, because not doing it does her no favours in the long run, and allowing kids to play parents off each other is really unhealthy for their development too. It teaches them nothing constructive.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 29/12/2018 16:18

Also, Flowers, Cake and Brew for you. It’s rough going sometimes.

Original poster
Unhappybear · 29/12/2018 16:25

I agree completely, I know she will go back to her mum and say she’s had a bad time if she doesn’t get her own way so my DP is almost afraid of upsetting her in any way - I just can’t get my head around that! Do you think I have a right to make suggestions to my DP on how he should parent her?

OP posts:
Original poster
Unhappybear · 29/12/2018 16:26

She is 8 by the way so hardly too young to understand what is right and wrong!! She is very smart!

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 29/12/2018 16:30

We let DSD get away with a bit but once she crosses the line into rude or spoilt we tend to be firm; that’s taken some gentle encouragement from me to DH though and encouraging him to see that she’s not a baby. After he saw that she still loved him and would come back for a cuddle after a bit of a tantrum he was more comfortable with it.
I was worried what he’d be like when we had our own DD but he’s actual probably firmer than me and sees that if we aren’t consistent then it has a big effect

Original poster
Unhappybear · 29/12/2018 16:33

I understand it must be hard for him as his time with her is so precious and he just wants her to be happy but this is having an effect on me now and I worry of how she will be as she becomes older. Glad to hear that you have no problem agreeing when it comes to your dd as that is a bit of a worry for me.

OP posts:
agnurse · 29/12/2018 16:39

I love my DSD (15). She's a lovely girl.

agnurse · 29/12/2018 16:39

Sorry, mistyped. She's 14, not 15.

SimplySteve · 29/12/2018 16:44

How do I feel about D(S)S? I couldn't love him any more if if have fathered him myself.

umpteennamechanges · 29/12/2018 16:47

You would definitely need to tackle this with DH before having your own DC as it may end up being that DH does Disney parenting with DSD and is stricter with the DC that is with him full time.

This is what happened in my own childhood and it took me years to understand why I was treated so 'badly' compared to my half-sibling. It was a bit emotionally damaging as a child.

Tiredeyes21 · 29/12/2018 16:49

I do remember 8 being a difficult age with DSS (he’s 16 now!) and he’s blooming ace and I see him as one of my own. But I do remember a really bratty stage at 8 which I think from memory is really common amongst kids (split families or not split).
It does get better, ride it out with the storm.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 29/12/2018 17:02

Do you think I have a right to make suggestions to my DP on how he should parent her?

Yes, especially if it is impacting on your home. I would discipline DSDs in the same way I would my own kids and vice versa (DS1 is DP DSS).

Otherwise the potential for playing off against each other was too big.

Genuinely as well, I really believe that Disney parenting does children no favours in the long term. Short term it might benefit them, but long term it’s really harmful.

swingofthings · 29/12/2018 17:02

Maybe he is a bit too lenient, maybe your views on discipline are too harsh. I definitely planned on being much stricter than I turned to be with my kids because you suddenly have a human being in front of you with emotions that you care to look after.

What part of her behaviour made her a brat? How long have you been living together?

TheDarkPassenger · 29/12/2018 17:08

I was shocked by how little my partner disciplined his son when I first met him. I had a son myself so when we all moved in together I started parenting him my way, no messing about if he was under my roof he lived by my rules, same as my child. People thought I was a bit harsh at first but it’s shaped him now into a gorgeous young man who is kind and polite and sensible. He needed that routine and discipline.

When I say discipline here I mean regular old consequences for actions btw, not some brutal evil stepmother shit 😂

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 29/12/2018 17:12

When I say discipline here I mean regular old consequences for actions btw, not some brutal evil stepmother shit

To clarify, I meant that too Grin

According to DSD1 (currently curled up on the sofa) I’m the best stepmum she’s ever had Grin (I’m the only stepmum she’s ever had, but I’ll take it Grin)

Embracethechaos · 29/12/2018 17:13

I just googled Disney patenting and got nowhere... what's Disney patenting?

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 29/12/2018 17:14

Disney parenting is basically saying yes to whatever they want, never mentioning negative behaviour and basically just not parenting at all beyond saying yes.

Original poster
Unhappybear · 29/12/2018 17:17

I’ve lived with DP For 5 months and this is the first time she has stayed with us since, DP spent ages building her a lovely single bed for our spare room and bought cute girly bedding for it for her to say ‘I can’t sleep in a single bed I have a double bed at home’ that’s an example of her bratty behaviour. I wanted to say to her, no choice you are staying in that bed however DP said she could have our bed and sleep with him so guess who’s been sleeping in the spare room for the last three nights 🙄

Thanks for yours words of assurance, I think I’ll have a chat with DP when he’s back tonight

OP posts:
Original poster
Unhappybear · 29/12/2018 17:19

I don’t want to come off as evil witch however I think the little girl may have clocked on today as I’ve been distant... probably knackered from sleeping in a child’s bed for three nights 🙈

OP posts:
ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 29/12/2018 17:20

He put you out of your own bed? Er no, I’d be clamping down on that sharpish.

ElfridaEtAl · 29/12/2018 17:21

It's been a rollercoaster at times. SDs behaviour when me & OH were first together was appalling, and he did nothing to fix it, for the same reason as yours OP, theres nothing formal in place for visitation so if she went back and told her mum she didnt want to come, there's nothing OH could have done. Mum would never do that though, not because she's understanding and nice but because she will dump SS & SD on her ILs when they're not with us, they're rarely at home, she doesn't make much time for them.
SD is much better now, SS has always been pretty much okay but I went through a horrible period of resentment when I was pregnant and for a few months after I had DS which eventually went away, that was a really horrible time and things were strained between me and OH as I was nit picking with them when they weren't really doing anything wrong.
Now, I genuinely wish we could have them all the time. They are a great big brother and sister and I really do love them.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 29/12/2018 17:21

Oh Jesus Christ - that’s pathetic of him not to say “tough that’s your bed!” You had to sleep in the spare room?? Ffs. No wonder you’re annoyed.

HildaZelda · 29/12/2018 17:22

I went out with a guy years ago that had 3 'princesses'. After that I swore never again.

Original poster
Unhappybear · 29/12/2018 17:22

Yes I just wanted to say to her ‘do you realise how much effort has gone into rearranging this room so we could get you a lovely bed!’ I even said to her she could put a film on my laptop to fall asleep to but no. Dp should have ordered her to sleep in there not given her the option.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unhappybear · 29/12/2018 17:24

I wondered if maybe in her eyes I’m still the ‘new girlfriend’ so I wasn’t sure if it was too soon for me to get involved hence why I’ve been going along with it. I’m hoping it’ll get easier as we form more of a bond and she grows up.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread