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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you really feel about your step children?

162 replies

Unhappybear · 29/12/2018 16:16

I’ve just had a bit of a hard week with DP’s DD who has been staying with us over xmas. I find it hard to not speak up sometimes and voice my opinion when she is acting like a brat (which is a lot of the time) she gets away with a lot and is very rarely told off, I think DP feels guilty for not being around as often as he’d like, so not to create drama he lets her do what she wants. He told me today he was afraid to upset her incase she goes back to her mum and say she doesn’t want to visit us again as she’s had a bad time. I think it’s very manipulative and I cannot believe my DP isn’t firmer with her. He is currently driving her back to her mums and I’m laying here thinking..... I don’t want her to ever visit again.... that’s awful isn’t it? I’m also wondering if DP and I have DC together would we disagree on parenting? I think I’d be strict, I believe children should have firm boundaries. Can anyone please offer advice or words or reassurance if you’ve been in a similar boat?

OP posts:
swingofthings · 29/12/2018 19:09

Letting situations like the bed thing happen is a classic example. He turfed you out of your own bed to appease a child’s tantrum
Or maybe he picked up that the child was anchois staying overnight in a new place and wanted to comfort her and thought OP would be sympathetic as a one off.

Brazenhussy0 · 29/12/2018 19:10

DP said she could have our bed and sleep with him so guess who’s been sleeping in the spare room for the last three nights

I realise the thread has moved on a bit now, but I’m still outraged by this. I would be absolutely fucking livid if my DP had tried to pull this kind of shit early on in our relationship (or at any other time).

Like your situation, my DP also moved in with me into my (previously child-free) house. He and the DSDs suddenly moving into my space was a huge adjustment for me, and fortunately my DP recognised that and made the transition as easy for everyone as he possibly could.
Had he suggested turfing me out my own fucking bed I would have told him to stick the entire relationship up his arse, to be frank.

The DSDs did cry a few times and get upset/stroppy about new routines, rules and ways of living that were different to at their Mum’s, but we all made an effort with it and got there in the end.
It all hinges on how the parent deals with their children and how they keep the balance between the children and the step-parent. If they don’t make that serious effort to keep all parties as happy as possible, then the whole thing falls apart.

And as for this little gem of wisdom Hmm :

It is a mistake to think you know how to parent when you don't have kids.

What? Does a manual come shooting out your vag at the same time as the baby does or something?

Bluelady · 29/12/2018 19:10

My stepchildren have been in my life for more than 20 years. I'd be lying if I said it's always been easy and it was particularly difficult at the beginning. I had to keep reminding myself they were 5 and 7, their world had been torn apart and I was a stranger. I left the parenting to him because it was obvious I was always going to be the wicked stepmother otherwise. I didn't always agree but they got consistency and that was crucial.

Now we're close, they know I love their dad and I love them. It takes time, patience and quite a bit of tongue biting but it's worth it. Early days, OP, give it time and try not to resent her too much - or judge her by adult standards.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 29/12/2018 19:15

It is a mistake to think you know how to parent when you don't have kids

Not always, and not definitely either.

PooleySpooley · 29/12/2018 19:17

It is a mistake to think you know how to parent when you don't have kids

Many family workers and social workers I work with don’t so this is a ridiculous thing to say.

Bluelady · 29/12/2018 19:22

Parenting and professional involvement with families are in no way comparable.

Needadoughnut · 29/12/2018 19:23

Having SC is hard .... My DD is a brat half the time (thanks to my exHs mum). My DPs are an odd lot. We all get along but today (and yesterday) they decided that they'd rather stay with their mum even though they had a lovely day on Thursday. I find it very puzzling indeed.

Purplejay · 29/12/2018 19:24

Great response from Gahwhatever (p4).

I really feel for this little girl. She is only 8 and has a lot to process. Please cut her some slack.

You should not be put out of your bed though. Your DH handled that badly. Your issue is with him though and not with her. Welcome her, let her choose things for her room. Let her borrow your stuff. Give her space with her dad. It will come right.

PooleySpooley · 29/12/2018 19:25

parenting and professional involvement with families are in no way comparable

Professionals without children give families parenting advice and not all are trained.

NorthernSpirit · 29/12/2018 19:26

@Brazenhussy0 - you are my hero

Bluelady · 29/12/2018 19:29

Professionals without children can give theoretical advice. You have no conception of what parenting is actually like until you do it.

70sbaubles · 29/12/2018 19:37

Id go mental at someone else's kid in my bed, its your home too. He sounds like he's trying though. But I wouldn't have let her kick me out of her bedroom. She has her own, she has a space.
How do I feel about D(S)S? I couldn't love him any more if if have fathered him myself
Whilst this is lovely to hear I don't believe it, when it comes to it you'd pick your own over someone else's child.
I wouldn't date anyone with young kids though, as I'd be crap. I want a partner where I come first. So would be an awful SM.

Faithless12 · 29/12/2018 19:37

No @Brazenhussy0 but it is very different having a child some of the time to having them all the time. Even grandparents don’t get things right with their grandchildren as they don’t have the day to day knowledge of them.
I also think we make idealised statements prior to having children and then when we have them do the opposite. I always said DS would not be allowed to sleep in my bed fast forward and he comes in most nights. He is truely terrified of being abandoned and the dark I couldn’t tell him to stay in his own bed or put him back. I need to sleep as well and because in the long term he needs that comfort right now. If I had a partner who insisted DS wasn’t allowed in my bed there wouldn’t be a relationship, DS is my priority. If his dad chose to have a relationship with someone who insisted that he should stay in his own room no matter what I wouldn’t be happy sending DS there for overnights and I would do anything I could do to stop them from happening.

Bluelady · 29/12/2018 19:46

Actually it really is possible to love someone else's child as much as you love your own. My stepdaughter is the only daughter I'll ever have. I couldn't love her more.

70sbaubles · 29/12/2018 19:49

Perhaps blue but if you had a dd you might feel differently?

Bluelady · 29/12/2018 19:53

I'll never know. I'm just grateful for the one I've got.

Meredith501 · 29/12/2018 20:08

Christ, have some compassion OP, she is 8!

Did it occur to you that her comment about the double bed wasn't "bratty behaviour" but an attempt to divert from the fact she was scared to sleep in a strange bed in a strange room in a strange house and was away from her mum for the first time in a long time?

I had lots of boundaries for my children before I actually had any but when your child is upset and all they want is a cuddle and a bit of security, bringing them into bed with you is really not that much of a sacrifice.

Your comment about the effort made in rearranging the room is telling. She was coming to her home; because that's what your house is now - one of her homes. Providing a bed for the children in the house is fairly standard, I've never known a child to show gratitude for a bed.

Your DP has a child so it is a fact that you are going to have to give up some of your time with him. It can't be all couple time. Think about that little girl and how confused her world is now and you are part of her life and life is not all rules and discipline and boundaries. She needs fun and love and cuddles and happiness too.

Maybe83 · 29/12/2018 20:08

I have to laugh really. Yes I am a step parent. As is my dh both our older children have step parents and siblings in their other homes. With a child together.

I think actually no you don't have a right to discipline a child or make such sweeping judgements of her having met her 5-6 times.

And I think your dp is pretty irresponsible moving in with some one who his child has met 5-6 times.

If he was a single mother moving a man in and posted that her new partner wanted her kids to stay with their dad and he though she was a brat she would have her arse handed to her.

If you want to have a successful blended family I d suggest your dp increase his access and get a court order if needed and when that's fully established you both should consider the type of behaviour and family life you both would like.

Maybe83 · 29/12/2018 20:10

I love my step son as much as my children. My dh loves my dd as much he is closed to her than her own dad.

RagingWhoreBag · 29/12/2018 20:30

I had lots of boundaries for my children before I actually had any but when your child is upset and all they want is a cuddle and a bit of security, bringing them into bed with you is really not that much of a sacrifice

No, not a sacrifice at all for her dad, bringing her into bed with him for a cuddle.

However for the OP being turfed out of her own fucking bed it’s a sacrifice!

I get where you’re coming from UnhappyBear - my DP’s DD shared a bed with him when we met up until fairly recently (6 years later) so if ever I wanted to stay at his house I had to listen to her complain that it was her bed (she did have her own bed too but never used it) and she didn’t want me to stay. Needless to say I didn’t stay very often!

And he wonders why I don’t go round there much after 6 years together, when I don’t even have a bed to sleep in. He would bring her into my bed when they stayed here, then he’d roll over and go back to sleep, while I ended up having to chat to her, when I really wanted to be the one sleeping! In the end I said no more, if he wanted to snuggle with her in the mornings, take a pillow downstairs, no need for anyone else in my bed.

I find it really weird and uncomfortable sharing a bed with someone else’s children - even my own don’t sleep in my bed and haven’t since they were breastfed. No need for it. But some people obviously don’t see their bed as a private place and think it’s ok.

Your bed, your house, you’re allowed a say in what happens there.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 29/12/2018 20:38

I’m not giving up my bed fine, you shouldn't have to, he needs to purchase a double bed for her room so he can stay there with her when required. But and my time with my DP. this is just wrong. It is he girls time with her father. You have plenty of time with him. She already has such little time with her dad and you want to take more away. I notice you automatically put the blame on the 8 year old girl rather than your adult boyfriend though. You need to remember she is a child and it is his responsibility to parent her.

If you want to have a successful blended family I d suggest your dp increase his access and get a court order if needed This. Unless there is abuse it is very very very unlikely your boyfriend wouldn't be granted contact. The fact he hasn't already done this would make me question his commitment as a father. It doesn't need to cost much either. He can blame his ex til the cows come home but unless he does something about it he is equally to blame for the poor amount of contact.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 29/12/2018 20:42

Id let any of my children in my bed and quite happily turf out dh. But they are my children. The op has been in dsd's life for a short time. Im sure if she tried to.have an opinion on upbringing everyone would go mad!

Take your bed back! Talk to disney dad. Dsd will adapt.

Rachelle3211 · 29/12/2018 20:52

I agree with the above. Get a double bed or trundle bed so he can sleep in there with her. I also would take her shopping and let her pick out some bedding and bedroom stuff. Give her some control in all of this. She is so young and you are a stranger she is now living with. Honestly her df should never have moved in with you so quickly.

Meredith501 · 29/12/2018 21:01

[b] my DP’s DD shared a bed with him when we met up until fairly recently (6 years later) so if ever I wanted to stay at his house I had to listen to her complain that it was her bed (she did have her own bed too but never used it) and she didn’t want me to stay. [b]

But it was her bed! You expected her to get out of it when you stayed over which is what the OP's stepdaughter expected of her and you think the OP is right to be annoyed Smile

70sbaubles · 29/12/2018 21:09

I think op has right to be annoyed, its not her kid, why should she give her bed up for a kid who isnt poorly?
But then this is MN where its totally normal for your 17 yr olds to get in on a weekend with their mum and dad, and where nudity is 'normal' and they all walk round naked and nobody shuts the bathroom door when they have a crap
Some on here have zero boundaries as thats what they are comfortable with
If I were you Id be pissed off. I actually think Id give up on the relationship as you've got years of this to come and it will only get worse. Your dp has set the scene for a little madam to get what she wants. You will not have a home whenever shes around as he will let her rule it.