To ask how you really feel about your step children?

[Unhappybear]

I’ve just had a bit of a hard week with DP’s DD who has been staying with us over xmas. I find it hard to not speak up sometimes and voice my opinion when she is acting like a brat (which is a lot of the time) she gets away with a lot and is very rarely told off, I think DP feels guilty for not being around as often as he’d like, so not to create drama he lets her do what she wants. He told me today he was afraid to upset her incase she goes back to her mum and say she doesn’t want to visit us again as she’s had a bad time. I think it’s very manipulative and I cannot believe my DP isn’t firmer with her. He is currently driving her back to her mums and I’m laying here thinking..... I don’t want her to ever visit again.... that’s awful isn’t it? I’m also wondering if DP and I have DC together would we disagree on parenting? I think I’d be strict, I believe children should have firm boundaries. Can anyone please offer advice or words or reassurance if you’ve been in a similar boat?

I guess she’s just testing your boundaries. As others have said, it’s a DP problem really.
Though I think it’s a little sad she doesn’t have her own room. Even if when she’s not there it’s used as the spare room

Step parent, parent to DC's who stay with their dad and his wife and teacher here, can't believe you are getting a hard time OP.

NO WAY would I expect to give up my bed for a child. ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS, I am astonished anyone thinks otherwise. I wouldn't expect my DC's to be so disrespectful to expect this at their dad's house either.

I think you made every effort to make a special space for this child. She needs boundaries if she is to settle into your home. It sounds like you have done all of the right things by building up time with her overtime. If she really isn't ready to sleep in her own bed at yours, then she needs to be at home with a longer 'getting to know you'.

You had to leave your OWN bed in your OWN room in your OWN house???!!!!!!!

I hope that's the last time anything like that happens. That really is a step too far. DH has shown her that she can kick you out simply by making enough of a fuss, and he'll just capitulate. No. That has to stop.

I have to disagree, I think children should sleep in their own bedrooms when they get to a certain age
So it's going to be a case of my house my rules is it? And your oh will have to pit up with your rules even if he doesn't agree with them or he'll be shown the door?

Yep, he is treading on egg shells because it sounds like he hadn't been there much for her. Not having her overnight once in 5 months whilst getting cosy with you in your new home. Pathetic!

I feel your pain OP. I had this. Put up with it for a while, and then put my foot down.

Was the bad guy as far as everyone was concerned for wanting to sleep in my own bed (DH and kids moved in to my place).

The minute I did - suddenly the Ex announced that the kids needed to sleep in their own beds at her place.

The Disney parenting is a nightmare, and isn't good for anyone. I did, however, make sure the kids chose their quilts and stuff so they were in charge of what their rooms looked like

By fuck there is some ridiculous projection on the go on this thread.

I'm not giving up my bed or my time with my DP
Poor kid - her first stay in 5 months?! Wow - just imagine she might want some time alone with her Dad? Sorry but she lost her Dad and you are put out about not sharing for a few nights.

She used your hairbrush to brush her hair and some of your bath salts and this has upset you?
I think you need to unclench a bit.

I honestly had some sympathy, until the comment about not giving up your time with dp. It makes you sound like a complete asshole. It sounds like she gets precious little time with him, he's not your possession and you aren't entitled to have ownership of his time.

He messed up on the bed thing, but it sounds like he has a lot of work to do regarding their relationship.

You must be new op otherwise you would know that it’s a cardinal sin to come on to MN and say anything negative about being a step parent

It sounds like your DP had a difficult time, to have to balance who he was going to please and who he would disappoint.
It seems both of you are disappointed with him.
I am sure he feels great on the drive back, just get the talk out of the way and move on. Keep in mind you are the adult in this situation, love me love my kids

Op the bed thing is mental - anyone who says otherwise is insame. That's a flat no.
I'm in your situation , it my home they moved into and it takes adjustment.
I'd sit down and say this is my lines in the sand eg the bed or answering back or meals together or a film night or whatever. Agree with dp and enforce as a unit.
Some stuff should slide though. 8 is a nightmare age two of our dsc passed through it recently and were vile but it passed.
Breathe have some wine and focus on the positives

Long term step mother here.

As always, it is the DP or DH who is the problem, not the child.

It’s very unfortunate because the Disney parent creates a dynamic that fosters resentment and then acts like the innocent party when it goes wrong.

Letting situations like the bed thing happen is a classic example. He turfed you out of your own bed to appease a child’s tantrum. How is that ever going to create harmony in the family dynamic? But you will be the one who’s villified as an evil witch who ‘should have known what you were getting into’.

Tell your DP to pull his parenting shit together or you’re out of there. And mean it. Do not stay with a man who won’t make you a priority. You don’t have to be THE priority, but you should still be a priority for him. Too many Disney parents find a new partner and just expect them to suck up any old shitty treatment in their own home because the step child comes first. If it’s set up like that from the outset then the relationship between you and the child will never be able to flourish because he’s unwittingly made it a competition for top dog.

It always makes me laugh when peoople think children should be grateful for the badics...foid, shoes a bed

I love my DSSs they are early 30s now and we met when they were 14.
Not the easiest time at first but I stuck with it, wasnt a twat and accepted that they were children who push limits sometimes.

Tell your DP to pull his parenting shit together or you’re out of there. And mean it. Do not stay with a man who won’t make you a priority. You don’t have to be THE priority, but you should still be a priority for him.

This this this. Absolutely!!

Sounds like you don't like the child, OP.

You sound quite cold, tbh.

If this is causing you problems, I would suggest getting yourself out of this situation. It will get probably get a fair bit harder than this.

Mumsnet is weird. I'm a stepmother and on the similar threads I usually find myself reading on here, you'd have been ripped to shreds by now. Not by me but nonetheless.

All the best.

The bed thing is just about the DSD trying to get some control in this situation, obviously, but it's worked and has taught her that this tactic works and to continue to push the boundaries in other ways too. I feel sorry for her because she is in a difficult situation but Disney parenting never does any child any good ever.

I'm a SM too OP so I do empathise with what you are feeling, but, and I say this kindly, you are the adult here: she's an 8 year old child.
She was staying in a strange house with her Dadand a strage woman whom she's only met a few times and she was bound to be clingy to him.
You'll save yourself some heartache if you consider them a package. When she is visiting it is her house too, as it is her Dad's. So stuff in the bathroom is fair game, fruit in the bowl is fair game, cheese strings (or whatever in the fridge are fair game. If it's her second home she shouldn't need to ask. And it should be her second home. Once she's visited enough that she relaxes into it then set clear boundaries: in the interim remove stuff you don't want her to have. She can't be relied upon to be 'polite' with you when the rest of the time she if being told to treat it like home.
Even at 8 she'll be trying to save face in a difficult situation: she didn't want to sleep alone so made a comment about the bed. I'd encourage more frequent stay-overs and make the room her own: a little Disney will help you here, as a short term measure.
Do not allow your DH to put you out again: if they want to sleep together they can have her bed or an airbed on the floor.
Speak to him calmly (not tonight) and come up with a plan for next time so she doesn't blindside you, and remember, just because a small child cries out for attention doesn't mean she doesn't need or deserve it in the short term. Pick your boundaries.
Welcome to wonderful world of blended families. Not easy, but totally worth it!

I’m very fond of my dsc, and after 9 years we are close.
I’m lucky because my dsc is very likeable, well behaved, kind, funny, and just has an all round lovely personality. I can imagine it’s very difficult to love a child that isn’t your own if they are badly behaved, nasty, selfish etc...

Haven’t read all the responses....

I’m a DSM to 2 (10 & 13). The 10 year old boy has been a breeze. The 13 YO DSD has been much tougher - she’s very influenced by her DM (who had a very acrimonious divorce with my now OH).

My OH does the diciine. But.. if i’m In my own with the kids I do it. You must be on the same page and you must back each other up. Absolutely no undermining.

We BOTH expect certain levels of behaviour (exactly the same as i’d expect from any kid). No rudeness. Respect. Manners. Table manners. Sorry... just because they are step kids doesn’t mean they can bypass basic life skills.

Some people say 'bratty' behaviour some say 'emotionally damaged child dealing with her split up parents and new step parent'. Her dad is not her dad in the same way if she is not living there so no, it'll never be the same relationship, of course not. He can expect manners, etc. but really, it's more like staying with an uncle or something unless she is there a lot. Maybe she does test what she can get away with (as all kids do with their parents, but you know, she's maybe gonna test a lot more as he has a lot more to prove since he's not in her life on a day-to-day basis - left her once, may leave her again scenario). I can't believe it when I hear people saying that they should just get on with it. She's 8. She cannot understand why her parents don't live together as adult relationships are not understood by 8 year olds. She probably feels crappy that she has to split time and emotions and learn how to behave in one house and then in the other as well. She has to 'get on with' her step mother, who she neither chose or may not like but must treat nicely and obey....I could go on.....but really....give the poor girl a break and try and understand it from her point of view. Kids of divorce rarely 'get over it' and certainly not easily, even if they look like they do.

There's a lot of talk about boundaries, and not a lot of talk about trust (her to you). I think you need to earn the right to be involved in setting boundaries. It is such early days... It doesn't seem like you have a bond with her. It seems like she is distrustful of you. And, she may be right to be. She is the vulnerable child in this situation - the one that might be affected most. Sure, have a word with her father. But go easy on her. Build a bond with her. Always a bit when I see the word boundaries too often...

Personally I’d bend over backwards to make the child feel happy and at home. If you can strike up a good relationship with her it will be easy to ask her to follow some simple rules in a non upsetting way. If you don’t strike up a good, fun and eventually loving relationship with her you can never have the sort of relationship where you can input your own rules without upset and petulance. It’s much easier to get people to behave how you like when you’re friends - enemy’s rarely comply!

On the bed point, you do have a DP problem, but why exactly did you go along with it? You're sleeping in the kiddy bed while DSD is in yours because you consented to it. They didn't manhandle you.

I have some sympathy. Toiletries, hair brush, jewellery (not expensive jewellery) I wouldn’t mind in the slightest, if it’s expensive stuff or you don’t want it touched I would put it up out of the way while she is there.

The bed situation I would of lost my shit at my partner, never would I be kicked out of my own bed because the child expects a big double.
He should have been upfront with her and told her that’s her bed.

I hope it gets easier for you, trying to create a bond can be difficult and take time. I’m sure it will get better