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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you really feel about your step children?

162 replies

Unhappybear · 29/12/2018 16:16

I’ve just had a bit of a hard week with DP’s DD who has been staying with us over xmas. I find it hard to not speak up sometimes and voice my opinion when she is acting like a brat (which is a lot of the time) she gets away with a lot and is very rarely told off, I think DP feels guilty for not being around as often as he’d like, so not to create drama he lets her do what she wants. He told me today he was afraid to upset her incase she goes back to her mum and say she doesn’t want to visit us again as she’s had a bad time. I think it’s very manipulative and I cannot believe my DP isn’t firmer with her. He is currently driving her back to her mums and I’m laying here thinking..... I don’t want her to ever visit again.... that’s awful isn’t it? I’m also wondering if DP and I have DC together would we disagree on parenting? I think I’d be strict, I believe children should have firm boundaries. Can anyone please offer advice or words or reassurance if you’ve been in a similar boat?

OP posts:
Rachelle3211 · 29/12/2018 17:52

So this is your house and she hasn't slept over in the 5 months you've lived together? And you've only met her 5 or 6 times prior. Do you have any compassion for how awkward and uncomfortable she probably is with all of this?

Merryoldgoat · 29/12/2018 17:54

YOUR house? What was access like before he moved in?

Moonstoned · 29/12/2018 17:54

I think you’re underestimating the extent to which this was a stressful big deal to a young child — sleeping over in a strange place, and her father living with someone she’s only met five or six times — and to your DP.

You say the way he spoke about her made you love him more. Well, this is what that love looks like in practice. It may not always manifest itself in ways you approve of, or that are comfortable for you.

Koutouloufari · 29/12/2018 17:54

Poor kid. That’s a huge adjustment for her, she hardly knows you and you said yourself she could sense you weren’t happy.

Also it’s not the spare room is it? It’s her room, surely?

speakout · 29/12/2018 17:55

I think children should sleep in their own bedrooms when they get to a certain age.

It is a mistake to think you know how to parent when you don't have kids.

speakout · 29/12/2018 17:55

You say the way he spoke about her made you love him more. Well, this is what that love looks like in practice. It may not always manifest itself in ways you approve of, or that are comfortable for you.

Exactly!!

nuttyknitter · 29/12/2018 17:57

That's an awful lot of adjustments for a child who's only 8. She's only met you a handful of times and now she's sleeping over in your house - you need to cut her (and you DP) some slack.

Merryoldgoat · 29/12/2018 17:58

I think children should sleep in their own bedrooms when they get to a certain age

Let’s hope you don’t have one like mine!

I agree he shouldn’t have made you sleep in her bed but blanket statements like that lack any insight into the nuances of raising children.

safetyfreak · 29/12/2018 17:58

She is only 8 years old, she is a product of her upbringing. If her dad is not telling her off then that is on her DAD.

I have a 6 year old DD, she gets on great with her dad girlfriend but my DD dad does lay down the law and I have no problems with that!

If your partner a Disney dad, that is on him.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 29/12/2018 17:59

Actually though, by disneying, he’s not setting boundaries and security that she needs! If she felt worried about sleeping in her new room by herself, that’s understandable. Fuck all stopping him sleeping on the floor beside her!

Kids need boundaries, it creates security and means they know what’s what. I’m not talking about draconian and unnecessary rules, I mean basic boundaries of what is and isn’t ok.

OP is getting a shit time for no reason as far as I can see.

I’d be horrified if DS1s SM was ousted from her bed, and I’d tell XH that too!

DisplayPurposesOnly · 29/12/2018 17:59

THing is though OP, it's actually a normal and fun thing to do for an 8 year old to have a bound on the bed with parent(s).

Yes, that is normal. However it is not what the OP has described, which is unacceptable.

I can understand an 8 yo being unsettled at staying for the first time in a new place in a new 'domestic' arrangement but I don't think that was the right way to handle it.

Original poster
Unhappybear · 29/12/2018 17:59

I understand where you are coming from but where is the line between giving them some leniency in what is perhaps an awkward situation and walking all over her DP because she knows she can get away with it? I don’t think she’s uncomfortable here as she has been happily walking around going into any room she wants using anything she wants..... I told her, she can borrow anything she likes of mine if she asks (fancy bath bombs, hairbrush, jewellery).... but she isn’t asking she is simply walking into my room/dressing room/bathroom and using whatever she likes. Dp shouldn’t be encouraging that imo but I’m not sure if I have a right to say something.

OP posts:
Travisandthemonkey · 29/12/2018 18:00

Did she not get a choice in her bedroom?
And you call it the spare room, but really if you want her to feel welcome and happy and safe then you can’t really go about it that way.
And she’s not stayed over in 5 months, maybe she wanted to feel close and safe with her dad.
I think you’ve got to give her some slack.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 29/12/2018 18:00

I think you have every right to say something. I wouldn’t swallow that, from my own kids or my step kids.

Original poster
Unhappybear · 29/12/2018 18:00

Sorry walking over her dad .... I’m tired!!

OP posts:
Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 29/12/2018 18:01

What has she actually done that is so bad that you don’t want her to visit again?

Ok the bed thing could have been handled better but remember she is 8, staying in a strange place for the first time with an adult she has met for a short duration 5 or 6 times. It ipwont even feel like a home to her if her dad moved in with you.

So what are the things she needs telling off for?

Travisandthemonkey · 29/12/2018 18:01

If you say to an 8 year old they can borrow anything and then they do, not really sure what you expect. She’s not yet an adult and she’s taken you at your word.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 29/12/2018 18:01

I can’t remember if you said, is she staying tonight? I’d be going back into my own bed, no negotiation.

Original poster
Unhappybear · 29/12/2018 18:02

I won’t bring up the ‘borrowing’ of things because I think that’s a little petty... although I’m secretly disappointed she used my new bath salts.

OP posts:
ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 29/12/2018 18:02

Travisandthemonkey “if she asks” was what OP said.

PikaPikaTink · 29/12/2018 18:02

I'm not a parent and i feel the same way about dps children as I do nieces. I love them and spoil them, I don't try to parent them and don't let them get away with being rude to me, which thankfully rarely happens.

They are secure happy children as dp and his ex parent well together and are a united front to the children so they have no need to act up and don't feel threatened by my presence. I think it would have been much more difficult if I didn't have good relationship with them.

Travisandthemonkey · 29/12/2018 18:03

@ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn
Sorry I missed that bit!

Original poster
Unhappybear · 29/12/2018 18:03

Yes I’d expect her to say.... xxxx do you mind if I borrow your hair brush’ of course I’d never say no! But surely that’s just manners?

OP posts:
Original poster
Unhappybear · 29/12/2018 18:05

Thanks for everyone’s comments, I need to sign off and relax with a bath.... perhaps I’m being dramatic perhaps not but appreciate that I’ve been able to vent my feelings and I’ve got some pondering to do on how I’ll approach this with DP. Xx

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 29/12/2018 18:05

I told her, she can borrow anything she likes of mine if she asks (fancy bath bombs, hairbrush, jewellery)

Of course she’s not asking - you told her she COULD.

She’s 8 fgs - she doesn’t understand adult dynamics.

DDS - I’m happy for you to use these things I’ve laid out here on the cabinet. If you’d like to use anything else ask me and I’ll let you know.