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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you really feel about your step children?

162 replies

Unhappybear · 29/12/2018 16:16

I’ve just had a bit of a hard week with DP’s DD who has been staying with us over xmas. I find it hard to not speak up sometimes and voice my opinion when she is acting like a brat (which is a lot of the time) she gets away with a lot and is very rarely told off, I think DP feels guilty for not being around as often as he’d like, so not to create drama he lets her do what she wants. He told me today he was afraid to upset her incase she goes back to her mum and say she doesn’t want to visit us again as she’s had a bad time. I think it’s very manipulative and I cannot believe my DP isn’t firmer with her. He is currently driving her back to her mums and I’m laying here thinking..... I don’t want her to ever visit again.... that’s awful isn’t it? I’m also wondering if DP and I have DC together would we disagree on parenting? I think I’d be strict, I believe children should have firm boundaries. Can anyone please offer advice or words or reassurance if you’ve been in a similar boat?

OP posts:
ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 29/12/2018 17:25

I have to say though OP, on the bed thing I’d be more pissed off with him than her.

She’s a kid pushing boundaries in a new situation. It’s how parents respond to those situations that determines the outcome. He’s a pushover and is prepared to chuck you out of your own bed to avoid a row.

I’d be really angry with him about that. How long are you to be ousted from your own bed? Has he even thought of that? Weeks? Months? Years?

Original poster
Unhappybear · 29/12/2018 17:26

I’m tempted to make him sleep in there for the next three nights, see how he likes it. Yes I’m not happy with him at all and I did mention it this morning but again, he said that he was afraid that the little girl would go home to her mum and say she’s had a terrible time with daddy and doesn’t want to visit again

OP posts:
Highginx · 29/12/2018 17:26

This is the first time she’s stayed with you in 5 months? And prior to that, you weren’t living there? I think she’ll be struggling, hugely with that. Give her a grace period.

Merryoldgoat · 29/12/2018 17:28

This is the first time she’s stayed? I’m guessing you know her quite well though?

How long has your DP been separated from her DM and how long have you been together?

I’m not trying to find out if you were OW - just how long it’s been since the dynamics changed.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 29/12/2018 17:28

UnhappyBear I would!

He can’t be held to ransom, not at the cost of your sanity and her development. Has she even said that or is he projecting?

DSD said that once, when we’d removed the iPhone we’d bought her for the 3rd instance of cyber bullying (first two resulted in losing it for a set period). The same DSD who is on my sofa, 5 years later!

swingofthings · 29/12/2018 17:29

Wait a minute, you've lived together in your home for 5 months and thus was her first time there? Why?

Have you considered that she is a bit confused and trying to fing her space in her new surroundings and her talking about what she has at home is her way of expressing her confusion?

Yet you think that she should be told of and punished? Oh dear, this is not going to go well...

Original poster
Unhappybear · 29/12/2018 17:29

She’s visited but never stayed the night. We’ve met 5-6 times prior. As mentioned she doesn’t live nearby so they don’t see each other frequently. The mum holds a lot of power unfortunately, he really only sees her on mums terms but that’s another story!

OP posts:
Original poster
Unhappybear · 29/12/2018 17:30

Sorry for not fully explaining, I felt like I could go on forever if I described the ins and outs..... yes I’d say she knows me well enough to be comfortable around me. Well she’s comfortable enough to go into my bathroom and use my toiletries!

OP posts:
Original poster
Unhappybear · 29/12/2018 17:32

But IMO I don’t think it matters if it’s the first or tenth time she’d met me, I would still expect DP to lay boundaries. She’s a child.

OP posts:
colditz · 29/12/2018 17:33

I love them

I was charmed by them when I met them 10 years ago - I'm still charmed by them now.

They're the same age as my children, and in many ways quite different, but they are really nice kids.

QueenOfIce · 29/12/2018 17:35

My dh hasn't really ever disciplined my dsd it's taken a lot of coaxing but he's much better than he was. I had my boundaries set from day one and dsd now 15 knows where she stands with me and if she wants to do something even though she knows I'm far stricter than her dad she will ask me first which is lovely of her. It's been tough and it's not always plain sailing but I'm very protective of her.

I'm glad I didn't have my own dc because I see from how I am with dsd what a nightmare parent I would be! I worry about her more than dh and I wouldn't give her as much freedom as he does but I will and have stepped in when she was being bullied where dh wouldn't.

She is a huge lovable pain in the arse! Smile

OopsInamechangedagain · 29/12/2018 17:39

It's the age-old "you have a DP problem."

I'm a step parent and our relationship wouldn't have survived if DH hadn't knocked his Disney Dad tendencies on the head.

Maelstrop · 29/12/2018 17:39

I would absolutely have said no to her being pin your bed and you in the single. That's absolutely disgraceful. He's not parenting, he's just letting her away with murder. OK, it's her first time staying with you, she needs to get used to things being different at daddy's house.

Original poster
Unhappybear · 29/12/2018 17:40

Really? That’s reassuring, perhaps that’s what I need to do! De-disney-fy him!

OP posts:
speakout · 29/12/2018 17:41

I wouldn't have step chlldren- sorry

Original poster
Unhappybear · 29/12/2018 17:42

I agree, I don’t think that just because it’s the first time she has stayed, the rules should be bent as she will expect that every time now. I will be making it clear that when she stays again, she’s in Her bed or I’m out. I’m not giving up my bed and my time with my DP.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unhappybear · 29/12/2018 17:44

Speakout - I never thought I would but I fell in love with a wonderful man and I wasn’t prepared to give up because he had a child. If anything, the way he spoke about her made me love him even more.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 29/12/2018 17:46

Did she sleep in her Dad's dbl bed on prior visits.
Take a deep breath and hopefully next time will be better, be open minded.
My own DD is just 9, she is definitely pushing boundaries more, she is getting pimples and lots of hormone rage, I would put it down to that.
I don't think it is fair she knew you were fed up, and her Dad stressed. I think maybe you ladies were both put out and moody.

EmeraldShamrock · 29/12/2018 17:47

I’m not giving up my bed and my time with my DP.
As I thought.

Original poster
Unhappybear · 29/12/2018 17:48

It’s actually my house and DP moved in with me

OP posts:
SpikyHedgehogg · 29/12/2018 17:48

Can you clarify how long you've been going out, how long she's been aware of you and whether he's moved in with you or the other way round?

speakout · 29/12/2018 17:49

THing is though OP, it's actually a normal and fun thing to do for an 8 year old to have a bound on the bed with parent(s).

To disallow that is mean.

THe fact that you don't like it is your problem.

Original poster
Unhappybear · 29/12/2018 17:50

I have to disagree, I think children should sleep in their own bedrooms when they get to a certain age.

OP posts:
speakout · 29/12/2018 17:51

Unhappybear

How many children of your own do you have?

Merryoldgoat · 29/12/2018 17:52

Words are cheap. It’s easy to say the right stuff.

Visits at his ex’s whim? Has he been to court to get a formal arrangement in place? How long has he been away from her home? Did they have a strong relationship beforehand?

This is a tricky situation. Ideally she’d be used to staying with him long before you moved in and he should absolutely set boundaries. It’s not acceptable to boot you out of your bed but he doesn’t want the hard work.

Why does the ex name it difficult? Is she difficult? Of is your partner’s reliability relatively new?

I don’t disbelieve you, but every woman (bar one) I’ve ever known who’s ‘difficult’ about access is trying to keep her child from being hurt again.