To ask how you really feel about your step children?

[Unhappybear]

I’ve just had a bit of a hard week with DP’s DD who has been staying with us over xmas. I find it hard to not speak up sometimes and voice my opinion when she is acting like a brat (which is a lot of the time) she gets away with a lot and is very rarely told off, I think DP feels guilty for not being around as often as he’d like, so not to create drama he lets her do what she wants. He told me today he was afraid to upset her incase she goes back to her mum and say she doesn’t want to visit us again as she’s had a bad time. I think it’s very manipulative and I cannot believe my DP isn’t firmer with her. He is currently driving her back to her mums and I’m laying here thinking..... I don’t want her to ever visit again.... that’s awful isn’t it? I’m also wondering if DP and I have DC together would we disagree on parenting? I think I’d be strict, I believe children should have firm boundaries. Can anyone please offer advice or words or reassurance if you’ve been in a similar boat?

*i don’t doubt he’d do the same

There is a lot going on here. You have met five times which is not enough time to get get comfortable. I can't imagine spending a week with someone I've only met 5 times. This was also first time in the new house. Also, expecting kids to be grateful for things that are available in their home (which your house would be) is a bit much.

Then there is the problem on your husband being a Disney dad. He is afraid she won't visit anymore. Why not get an agreement in writing? Is he in good terms with the mom? If she is looking for an excuse to make sure they won't visit then she can use it, but if she is generally fine then she will realise it is just a temper tantrum.

I think he just doesn't have a grasp on parenting and he feel guilty. Is the mom also a Disney mom or does the child just take advantage of your husband? Kids are smart, they can smell the weak. How often they meet? This was the first sleepover in 5 months so I'm guessing not too often.

I think you're the naive one

My DSDs do my head in a lot but I love them and they have been in my life for 10 years now.

I find it easier to accept a few things; When they are here they are (rightly) the priority to my DH, to take a back seat with the discipline (they aren’t my kids at the end of the day), to always see the humour in a situation (this always gets them back on side) and most importantly - I chose this, they did not.

@Unhappybear

Can I ask why this is the first time he has stayed with her in 5mths?

I knew someone who coached her young DD to drive a wedge between the dad and his new partner. E.g.before a long car journey to visit his parents she said 'tell Daddy you have to sit in the front seat or you'll be sick'. But her intention was to consign the new woman to the back. The OP mentioned that the mum calls the shots with access, so maybe that's a factor.

Even if the child is feeling insecure, the OP shouldn't have to give up her own bed. The dad could have read his DD a story and stayed till she fell asleep.

OP, I hope your DP takes a rational approach from now.

Of course the child may be anxious and unsettled, but that still doesn't excuse the dad turig op out of her own bed. He should have slept on the floor of his dd's room. I'm sure cushions and blankets could have been found. It would have given dd a much better lesson.

He is the problem. She's just being an 8yo child sleeping at dad's girlfriend's house for the first time.

That's not what OP thinks though is it, she thinks the 8 year old is a manipulative brat and she doesn't want her staying again, taking her time with her DP away from him. Her anger is directed at the child.

I’ve known my now 17yo DSD since she was 10. We clicked from the moment we met- she’s an amazing girl. We shared care 50/50 with her father, who is an abusive shithead (good ol’ CAFCASS...). Last year DSD came to live with us, and a huge amount of emotional abuse came to light, from him, his wife, her older sister, who is with him full time, and her step siblings. We weathered it through 18 horrid but also wonderful months, GCSE’s, safeguarding, suicide attempt, etc, becoming stronger all the while. Last year, her Father’s Day card didn’t have the customary ‘step’ prefix. This year, not only was it another pure Father’s Day card, but I also had a small cushion with ‘Congratulations! You’ve won a me!’ hand written on it. In September she changed her surname by deed poll to mine. I feel the same about her as I do my biological children, the same love, the same pain, the same heartache, the same pride. The heartbreak when she took the overdose was sheer raw physical pain. I rode my motorbike 70 miles home from work to be there with her. She’s my daughter, my friend, my fellow conspirator in undermining her mother, everything a father/daughter relationship could be.

Lovely post Binky.

@MadMum101 I can't tell you how hard I tried and she has been nasty and vindictive at every turn. She is 22 and still tries to split me and her Dad up. I can't help it, I hate her. If that makes me vile then so be it. It's really easy to judge when you don't live with the consequences of how her behaviour constantly devastates her dad. I don't mind what people think about me, this is how I feel.

Binkytheslug

❤️